Central Snark

Dear Crummy Cable News Networks, by crummyjoel
Tuesday, 18 September 2007, 8:14am
Filed under: crummy letters

OK, I fully admit it: This is a pre-emptive crummy letter. You haven’t actually done any of the things in this letter yet, but you most assuredly will do them, so here is my condemnation of said future actions. If by some miracle you manage not to unleash the heinousness contained herein, then my sincerest apologies to you (though I will undoubtedly take most of the credit for helping you avert this disaster.)

As you know, OJ Simpson was arrested this weekend. Personally I don’t know how he made it 13 years without very publicly and without conscience killing a few more people, but apparently he has pulled it off. He’s been in trouble with the law one other time since his last major trial, but nothing this major. The jail time he could earn for these new charges could land him in jail for most of the rest of his life. We all know that he deserves to be there already. But for the love of all things good and holy, if we get another repeat of the media circus that was the first OJ trial, I am going to seriously lose my &$&#.

Don’t you dare dig up Marcia Clark and Chris Darden and have them report on this new trial. Don’t do it. If I see them on my television, I will immediately cancel my cable and throw my television out of my second story window. And then drive over it with my lawnmower. God as my witness, if “Judge” Lance Ito is anywhere to be seen commenting on this new trial, I will take every second of my free time and write to every single one of your commercial sponsors and explain why I have made it my new life mission to encourage every American to never use their products or services again. Judge Reinhold has more credibility in these matters than Judge Ito.

Kato Kaelin? If you attempt to disinter Kato and pass him off as a serious voice in current events I will file a lawsuit against your “news magazine” on behalf of the Jerry Springer Show for copyright infringement. Until SpikeTV starts a show called “Freeloaders Fight To The Death!!!“, I don’t want to see his mug on television again. And Johnny Cochran? I don’t want to see him, his gloves-that-don’t-fit, or…..what’s that? Oh. Never mind. My bad.

And, look, I know that they’ve been through more than any families have a right to go through, but do not give the Browns or Goldmans another microphone and camera to get in front of to decry this ass-hat. It’s unnecessary. The entire world knows he’s a murderer. We don’t need further glimpses of the sad families to be convinced. He might be guilty of this robbery as well. He’s undoubtedly guilty of being a complete and total prick, a douchebag of the highest level. What he is looking for is the attention and fame that have escaped him since his football playing days have ended. When you base your entire 24-hour news rotation on him, as you are undoubtedly planning on doing, you are just playing into his hands. It’s like the terrorism thing…you know how if we stopped shopping after 9/11, then the terrorists “won”? Well, if you start acknowledging him and giving him coverage in the press, then OJ wins. So let’s agree to not even mention him until the trial is over and he’s going to jail for a long, long time.

Or he gets off scott free. Again.



PS: Humor-blogs.com just saw a White Bronco speeding away from Las Vegas. Is that bad?


15 Comments so far
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Dear Crummy (yet-notnotnot) Joel:

THANK YOU for giving voice to a concern I, myself, had regarding OJ Simpson’s latest (b)rush with the law. Please allow me to be first to say I will not only sign any and/or ALL petitions related to the egregious use of persons related to the Simpsonstravangza-gate, but will happily pay for the postage, in order to ensure aforementioned petition(s) find their way to the propers Persons Responsible For Insulting Our Collective Integrity ASAP.

Signed, Your faithful supporter and/or fan,
Crazy Aunt Bea

(good one, your Not-At-All-Crumminess, this made me spew my morning tea out onto the keyboard. which will hopefully explain my piss poor “comments” later in the day!) 😉

Comment by One Hot Puppy

Hey, you used my suggestion! Although when I recommended this for a Snark topic, it was inspired by the Paris/prison ‘Larry King’ hour. This pre-emptive strike is warranted, indeed.

Comment by Emily

I forgot you recommended this topic! The thing about Paris was that it was a little easier to avoid. The first OJ Simpson trial was omnipresent. I can’t and won’t deal with that again.

Comment by crummyjoel

Oy and vay, you couldn’t be more right. But did my eyes deceive me (because I didn’t really pay attention) or are the horses already on the track in the form of the Goldmans?

Is Kato still living in the guest shack?

Comment by Lampsha

I couldn’t even watch the circus the first time around.

Have you seen this, btw?

I wanted to kiss her.

Comment by Grundir the Implacable

Not that Nazgul kiss or anything.

Comment by Grundir the Implacable

Holy crap, Fox News is going insane with this. They have 24/7 coverage with scrolling banner updates at the bottom and “special reports” bursting in on the regular OJ coverage already in progress.

I’m not so sure they didn’t orchestrate this whole deal.

Comment by Jeff

I am so glad that I live in Spain, we only got a brief comment about OJ on the afternoon news. It was really only comic relief between the Spanish politicians throwing stuff at each other (well, they only throw out accusations, but it would be a lot funnier if they threw tomatoes at each other or something).

Comment by Theresa

I am proud to say, PROUD I say, that I never watched or listened to any of the first trial. And it wasn’t easy to avoid.

If I believed in hell, I think I’d wish him there. Creep. To think that he got custody of the children whose mother he killed.

Comment by tlp

TLP: oh, how i wish i could say the same. unfortunately, i worked in the very medium Crummy(not)Joel’s letter is directed at. fortunately, my boss (a veryveryvery insightful man) decided to use the occasion to help folks develop a better understanding of domestic violence. i mean, prior to OJ, most folks wanted to believe only lower income families suffered from such things. we turned out a great 1/2 hour news special which highlighted the various ways in which domestic abuse manifests itself, and managed to snag a few awards, in the process. (not that the awards mattered, mind you, but they do look nice on the mantle.) 😉

Comment by snuppy

Nicely snarked, CJ.

I’ll be right behind you in throwing my TV out the window if any of the lunatics from the first trial show up as “experts.”

Now, if we can extend the moratorium to include Mike Nifong, I can die happy. Or at least less disgruntled.

Comment by Mark Jabo

At one point during the OJ news story they wanted to remind people that he was previously arrested.

The news also reminded us that we landed on the Moon, there was a great depression followed by a huge world war, and the Berlin Wall fell.

Where the hell have I been for the last 80 years. Wow!

Comment by Chris C

OMG, I started reading this post and was one sentence into it when CNN came back from commercials and told me OJ was free on bail. It took less than 3 minutes before they discussed Marsha Clark’s presence in the court room. And I’m watching from Europe… so I can only imagine that you’ve lawnmowered the TV already.

Comment by IDiveAtNight

I heard about Marcia Clark being in the courtroom this morning. Amazing.

Comment by Pamela

[…] Central Snark strikes a blow for O.J.-overloaded cable news watchers everywhere. […]

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