Central Snark


Howling Jungle Monkey Sex by Snuppy
Friday, 21 September 2007, 8:58am
Filed under: funny..., Sex, Ed?

Tarzan and Jane (not howler monkeys)OH, sure, looky there. We do a perfectly good post featuring a group of naked Japanese guys dancing like there’s no tomorrow, and you’re all like, “eww, those boys have fig leaves covering their thingies” — and then head for the hills like Bambi’s mom, pre-Unfortunate Hunting Accident. We get it. Bitch and/or complain about the freaking idiots who make every day a living hell, and you’ll come faster ‘n a cheap date after his second Colt 45. Bemoan the fact that our “studies” make our heads hurt, and you’re all scrambling like hookers on two-4-one night to see who can be first to shove an aspirin down our throats. And don’t get us started on making unfounded contentions about the “virtues” of Family Guy humor, for that one will cause us to barf up faster ‘n, um, the aforementioned 2-bit whore after an especially hot 4-bit date. But, by golly, feature a questionable rerun, and everyone’s singing “Good Night, Irene” in 4 part harmony, like a quartet of barbers puffin’ away on stogies, after participating in a daisy-chain with Sally, the one-legged whore. (ouch) What does any of this mean? Hell if we know — we’re just whining — in a bald-faced attempt to get someone’s attention (does that sound like something a horny guy left standing on the corner on “twofer” night without so much as a dime might say? yeah, we think so, too). But, as so often happens when we go off on a sexual metaphor rampage, we digress.

WHATEVER it is we meant to say, we will tell you there’ll be no “howling jungle monkey sex” today. Although, now that we think about it, that might be pretty damn funny. What happens when those things mate, anyway?

Mrs. Jungle Monkey: “Honey, omigod, what’s that noise?
Mr. Jungle Monkey: “Um, it’s just me letting you know I’m having a good time.”
Mrs. JM: “A good time? Lordamercy, usually you don’t make sounds like that unless we’re being chased by a tribe of Hotentots, you found a flea on junior, or you’ve lost another game of Pictionary to Aunt Bea.
Mr. JM: “You sayin’ you don’t like my love sounds? Fine. Next time I want sex, I’ll just stay on my side of the tree and play with my balls.
Mrs. JM: “And that would be different… how?”

(in our own heads, this is funny, mostly because we suspect jungle monkeys make a lot of weird noises when they have sex — also, they like to play with their balls)

IN all honesty, we just wondered if we could make you “look”, and, well, apparently we could. Fancy that. Now that we have your collective attention, let’s have a little fun with Sex, Ed?, shall we? Or, if you can’t “have fun”, then just “fake it” — not unlike a newlywed 20-something after discovering it was a mouse in her hubby’s pocket, after all. And a small one, at that. Did someone just say “annulment”? heh heh. (sorry, but in lieu of actual readers, we are left trying to crack ourselves up — and succeeding beyond our wildest expectations).

NOW, before we get too close to this ledge we seem to be inching towards, let’s get down to business (that’s what he said). We contemplated doing a really raunchy post for today, but since sunset marks the beginning of Yom Kippur, we figured that might not be a good idea. Not that we’re Jewish, mind you, but why take chances? Enter our passion for bizarre old movietonesque clips coupled with our continued embarrassment over recommending a stupid SciFi novel to Gruntmor the Insatiable Book Pimp, and voile-lΓ‘: The Fashions of Eve, A.D. 2000* (speaking of fig leaves), as predicted by designers back in 1930-something. Short, sweet, and to the point — just like some of you boys on “cheap date” night.

…and candy for cutie.” In no way does that sound gay and/or perverted. And just think, guys, in the future, you can all claim to be hung… up on a phone call, that is. HAHAHA. (there we go, cracking ourselves up… again)

~snuppy

Shooting milk out of your nose is considered fashionable, at Humor-blogs.com.

*We’d like to give a quick shout-out to one of our many acquaintances from our favorite Starbucks, who shocked the living hell out of us yesterday — and, in the process, inspired the last part of this post — when she asked if she could borrow a pair of shoes for a wedding she planned to attend. She went on to say she wouldn’t mind if we had a couple of dresses for her to try on, too. Maybe a cute beaded bag. Mind you, we only recognize this woman when she’s actually standing behind the counter, but apparently that, and the good tips we leave, gave her cause to believe she now had unconditional access to our closet. Yo, Marie, here’s another 2 bucks — do us a favor, “girlfriend”, go out and buy yourself a clue.

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18 Comments so far
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for the record — i absolutely ADORED the posts i mentioned up there — apparently i’m just feeling lonely and/or insecure, after watching yesterday’s stats take a major dive bomb. what’s up with that? and should i take it personally? pretty sure i should not, but ya never know! πŸ˜‰

oh, and “voile-lΓ‘” will be funny to anyone who knows anything about fabric. otherwise it just looks like a stupid typo. oy.

it also seems doubtful some of our good and lovely friends (Pia and G come to mind) will make it over here, today — here’s hoping those following this highest of Jewish Holidays will have an easy fast, and, of course, a year filled with happiness and peace.

Comment by snuppy

Okay so how many TGSNWMs have you had this morning?? That was impressive my dear Snuppy…one of your best rants yet! Liked the video too.

p.s. thank you for all who expressed concern about my “episode,” which remains somewhat undiagnosed so we’ll just stick with food poisoning for now. Not yet 100% but creeping toward wellness I believe.

Comment by BoBo

BoBo: actually ZERO. that’s right — see the time? almost noon. oh, and what time does our “boy” have to be at work? that’s right, NOON. no early coffee for me, maybe no coffee at all for him. (not-so-little over-sleeping dumbshit.) all this to say i am a bit cranky.

thanks for the kind words, honey. apparently you and i are the only ones “snarkin'” today — so I’LL just tell you how glad I am that you’re feeling better! (still not convinced we won’t be seeing a doctor in the future, but we’ll jump off that bridge when we get there) πŸ™‚

Comment by snuppy

I love this post/rant! It was hilarious. The video is soooooo quaint, and totally gay.

Huh! I never had a barista ask to borrow my shoes. Or my dress. Or my purse. I’m hurt. Could my tennis shoes, jeans, fanny pack be that ugly?

Comment by TLP

Listen, it’s almost noon and I’m in my PJ’s. It’s Friday. Sane people are either just getting up, or else they’re in those awful end-of-the-work-week meetings that go on forever.

Comment by TLP

Snuppy, I am utterly sure you should take nothing like stats personal. Today’s post shows: you are brilliant, funny and resourceful. Not that that is a new discovery, mind you.
The lines you come out with alone are insanely funny. Attribute to anythign, but yourself and I am sure you are on teh right track. You could blame tectonic pates…it’s not like they can answer for themselves πŸ˜‰

The little dress of nothing was a pretty close prediction don’t you think? Don’t show this clip to Britney…show her a selection of icelandic wool jumpers!

The barrister asked you for clothes? How about a cupboard to go with it? Can’t you just tell her you had a Penguin over who kinda minimized your wardrobe already? The nerve of some people! πŸ™‚

Comment by Penguin

That was a hilarious post, youtube and all. I think you just needed a day off. And deserved one.

Comment by Walela

Hilarious indeed! Maybe you should scale back on tips to send Marie a message. I am so cracking up at this because I can just imagine the look on your face. Funny!

Okay, I’m on the run, but did want to stop in to say hi and blast those stats – don’t even look at em because you’re funny and brilliant no matter!

I’ll check back in after we break fast tomorrow night.

XOX

Comment by Lampsha

I’m here to report that I’m now not wearing PJ’s.

Okay, I am wearing clothes, but Marie would not be envious of them.

Comment by tlp

TLP: “gay”, yet perverted, doncha think? which is, i hasten to add, the opposite of you in your jammies. as for the barista? wasn’t that weird? especially when you consider i normally go in there wearing sweats, flip-flops, and a Nike baseball cap. too weird. but then, this is the SAME woman who told me to keep an “eye” out for a good place for her to live. WHAT?? apparently on the planet she comes from, it’s normal to ask strangers for such things. oy. πŸ™„

Penguin: i seriously and HONESTLY do not take the stats seriously! but i DO lovelovelove giving folks shit for no good reason, and that’s a fact! and don’t you worry — Marie won’t get her hands on anything of mine until after you’ve had a chance to say “yea” or “nay”. you may not recall, but you HAVE met this woman, and she is, to say the least, a nutcake. sweet, but as fruity as the day is long. that Marie… πŸ˜‰

Walela: i actually should have written a ‘fresh’ post — truth be told it took as long to write around that old one as it normally takes to do something original. yes… i am just that OCD and/or lame. and thanks for rubbing in the fact that yesterday’s post was a left-over, and one you, yourself, refused to touch. d’oh! :mrgreen:

Lampsha: again, i hope you have an easy fast, dear friend. one of these days you’ll come out here and i’ll introduce you to our new “best friend”. then we’ll let her hit YOU up for clothes. this is a woman, by the way, who wears all kinds of “interesting” jewelry she got from the various Caribbean Islands she vacations on. wha-a-a-a-a?? πŸ˜‰

TLP: phew. for a minute there i was worried the guy in that video got you more excited than you cared to let on. can’t imagine why Marie would be envious of my clothes, either, for i, too, have an ample supply of unattractive-yet-comfy and functional clothing. eh, i must be gettin’ old, cuz being “fashionably stylish” seems like a waste of time so… passΓ©. πŸ™„

Comment by snuppy

PS: i’ve watched this silly video several times thus far, and, along with the clothes (tho’ i kind of like the “gown”) some of the lines continue to crack me up:

“…it’s the sle-e-eves what does it.”

“…the net, uh, probably to catch the males.”

“…ooooh, swish!”

now that’s comedy gold, that’s what that is. πŸ™‚

Comment by snuppy

I demand 100% more raunch.

You can never have too much RAUNCH.

Comment by Lord Likely

I watched it once… once is enough.
I go back to my drawings.

Comment by Santadelic

“He’ll be fitted with a telephone…”

I can only assume they weren’t thinking cordless in those days. So… what the hell were they actually suggesting then?

Comment by Jeff

Oh, I’m late as ever, but I’m here. Every time I try to watch a video on somebody’s blog I either get interrupted by my kids or my husband wondering what I am up to. This, as usual, was another hilarious post, my friend. Is it okay if I snort coffee instead of milk? I loved the bit that goes “…skirts will disappear entirely…” Well, they weren’t too far off the mark there, now skirts have very nearly become belts.

Comment by Theresa

[…] our Best “Musical Opposites” Ever, it’s a damn fine-yet-cheesy complement to the Sex, Ed? post we did last Friday. Oh, and speaking of last Friday, we are eternally grateful to the handful of […]

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Lord Likely: somehow, i knew you would. πŸ˜‰

Santadelic: oooooh, swish! or was that a “click”? πŸ™‚

Theresa: when i was in high school and college, skirts actually were belts. honestly, some were so short they came with matching undies. oy. πŸ™„

Comment by snuppy

hilarious!
http://bachelor-husband.blogspot.com/

Comment by Suzanna




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