Watch the news these days, and it can be pretty depressing. There seem to be so many threats to our democratic, capitalistic, excessive American lifestyles. These threats frighten me, because I don’t know about you, but if I have to live in a world with less than one Starbucks per corner, I’d rather not go on living at all.
What’s the biggest of these threats? Is it terrorism? Global warming? Nuclear proliferation? The New York Yankees? No. Not even lead-laced, asbestos-filled toys from China can compare to the #1 threat to the utter dominance that America has reigned down on the Western Hemisphere, and yes, the world for lo these many decades.
That threat is: Canada. If your first response is to laugh, you clearly haven’t heard the news: Last week, the Canadian dollar pulled even and briefly passed the American dollar in terms of global value. For perspective, in the nineties the Canadian dollar dipped down into the 60-cent range (that is, one Canadian dollar was worth 60-some American cents).
Look at this picture, America! Gaze fearfully upon your new master:
Yep: A damn duck. A Damn Flippin’ Duck with a Figurehead Queen on the other side just kicked the $#!t out of your Revolutionary-War-Winning-Firstest-Most-Presidenty-President-Ever and his Arrow-Carrying Eagle. “In God We Trust” just got owned by “Take Off, Eh?“. “E Pluribus Unum” just got pantsed by “Passus E Labbatsus“.
Something called a “loonie” is now worth more than the almighty dollar. If this doesn’t cause you to tremble slightly, then you clearly have no idea what is at stake here. Let’s examine what Canada has done correctly (and what the United States has screwed up) over the last few years in order to make up such a huge differential:
- The Metric System: Which country is more likely to stubbornly base its measurement system on the length of a long-deceased English king’s foot, well after the rest of the civilized world has changed to a more user-friendly system: The United States or Canada? What sounds like a typically Canadian M.O. (inexplicably sucking up to the Commonwealth) has become an American monument to isolationism. Hey, if you all like dividing by 3 and 12 and 8 and 5280 so much, then feel free. Just know that the Canadians kicked American ass last week because up there they just toss zeroes around like snowballs.
- Gross Domestic Product: While the United States has been busy outsourcing every possible job overseas, the Canadians have steadily continued producing and exporting the things they do best. Namely: hockey equipment, beer, and comedians. Some things will always be in demand.
- The National Anthem: This is no war-glorifying song about a flag. This is true patriot love, strong, free, standing on guard, glorious and free. A kick-ass national anthem can go a long ways towards your currency’s international value. Here’s some indication of how proud the Canadians are of their anthem. Just a little frightening, no? Are you telling me these people wouldn’t cross a southern border armed only with snow shovels if called upon? Hmmmm??? Food for thought….
- No Stupid Two Party System: Ever feel that neither the Republicans nor the Democrats accurately represent your political views, but you don’t feel like wasting a vote on a third-party stiff? Join the other 300 million of us. Canada has it right, though. Apparently in Canada, the only thing you need to have your own viable political party is a logo and a funny powdered wig (and even the logo is optional). Hell, they even have an actual political party that speaks a totally different language and whose stated goal is to split the country apart…and that party wins actual seats in the actual government!! How cute is that?!? It’s that kind of forward-thinking openness that endears Canada to the rest of the world and causes its currency to rise in value.
- Being Secretly Communist: If there’s one thing the Cold War taught us, it’s that Communism works for a little while until human nature takes over and the people in charge of redistributing the wealth to the masses become greedy and decide to just redistribute the wealth into their own Cayman Island bank accounts instead. Canada laughs in the face of such conventional wisdom!! National Health Care? Canada’s had it for decades. National television and radio networks? Check. National airlines? Check. National railways? Check. Kid you not: British Columbia (a “province“) is about to essentially legalize prostitution as long as the hookers and johns promise the government it can get involved. Clearly the rest of the world finds this cute little Western attempt at socialism to be endearing, and hence the rise of the Canadian dollar.
- Tim Horton’s Donuts. If you’ve never had them, you wouldn’t understand.
I could also go on about the proliferation of humor-bloggers that are or were Canadian. Yes, that’s correct…the reason I have such an in-depth knowledge of the issues that we’re dealing with here is that I, too, was a Canadian. And America, you’d better step it up or I might have to reconsider my recent vows to the Stars & Stripes. Quite honestly, something like me going back north on a permanent basis could be the thing that pushes Canada over the top once and for all.
That, or losing the &%$#$ beaver and maple leaf as national symbols.
PS: Humor-blogs.com would like to wish lovely NEVA a hugely happy and especially non-crummy birthday. The keeper of the gate-keys to Central Snark, and the sososo very funny person whom I lovelovelove is celebrating what I believe is her 29th birthday today……again!! Have a great one, Neva!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! ; ) –CrummyJoel
LAMPSHA HERE! I was going to sneak in and just title NotCrummyAtAll Joel’s post EVERYBODY LOVELOVELOVES SNUPPY! But then I thought it might catch your eye and I didn’t want you to be tipped off right away that we were going to wish you a Happy 29th (sounds good to me). So, my dearest NBFF, Happy Birthday! Dare I say that without your every day damn funny if not sometimes confusing posts (I’m kidding, I don’t need your posts to confuse me) there’d be no Snark and a fair amount of camaraderie and friendship that exists in our circle and beyond. So what better day to tell you how much your loveloveloved and appreciated than on your birthday? Happy Birthday – may you have every manner of good health and happiness and shiney things in the year ahead. And may we get together for TGSNWM soon to toast! My treat! Have a great day. XOX
Diesel checking in as well to wish my favorite Crazy Aunt a happy birthday. Oh, and Grundir told me to say, “Bah! Tell me when she hits 800!”
Penguin joining the lovefest 2007. I second all the above – isn’t it grand when you come in last?- and I like to add that I think you look particularly marvelous on this fine day. I am not going to make this post any longer than it needs to be, but we hope you kinda get the drift of all of this: You are wonderfully weird, insanely all over the place and ridiculously charming. We loves you!
Who said you came in last??? Last I heard bohemians had yet to go extinct! DIOS MIO! Oh dearest Nevalicious Snuppy de mi corazón here’s wishing you the happiest of happy days! *Sigh* to west coast living’s drawback of lagging three hours behind in the festivities but, alas, better late than never for to show you the amor bohemians must and shall and WILL and, in addition to mucho amor desde el fondo de mi alma, oh so many thank yous for your continued faboo posts and sharp wit and what-some-may-call-confusing-but-what-in-my-tangential-universe-never-fails-to-make-anything-less-than-oh-so-perfect-sense amazing posts you continue to dish out and entertain us with… posts with which you carry the load of some-to-rename-nameless-but-we-all-know-who-they-are-said-the-bohemian-with-all-fingers-pointing-at-her contributor
(s) who are eternally grateful to you, I am sure (ahem, ahem… what would I know? Um, yeah…), and so, since I could go on and ’tis best not for bohemians can be a tad verbose and whatnot, this stops NOW and so off I go to tell some big strapping men to bend over (YOGA people!) leaving y’all with un adios and you my dearest amiga with huge boho kisses flyin’ your way… and with that, BoheMia OUT!
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