Central Snark

America’s Number One Threat by crummyjoel
Tuesday, 25 September 2007, 6:37am
Filed under: cracks us up, crummy letters

Watch the news these days, and it can be pretty depressing. There seem to be so many threats to our democratic, capitalistic, excessive American lifestyles. These threats frighten me, because I don’t know about you, but if I have to live in a world with less than one Starbucks per corner, I’d rather not go on living at all.

What’s the biggest of these threats? Is it terrorism? Global warming? Nuclear proliferation? The New York Yankees? No. Not even lead-laced, asbestos-filled toys from China can compare to the #1 threat to the utter dominance that America has reigned down on the Western Hemisphere, and yes, the world for lo these many decades.

That threat is: Canada. If your first response is to laugh, you clearly haven’t heard the news: Last week, the Canadian dollar pulled even and briefly passed the American dollar in terms of global value. For perspective, in the nineties the Canadian dollar dipped down into the 60-cent range (that is, one Canadian dollar was worth 60-some American cents).

Look at this picture, America! Gaze fearfully upon your new master:

Yep: A damn duck. A Damn Flippin’ Duck with a Figurehead Queen on the other side just kicked the $#!t out of your Revolutionary-War-Winning-Firstest-Most-Presidenty-President-Ever and his Arrow-Carrying Eagle. “In God We Trust” just got owned by “Take Off, Eh?“. “E Pluribus Unum” just got pantsed by “Passus E Labbatsus“.

Something called a “loonie” is now worth more than the almighty dollar. If this doesn’t cause you to tremble slightly, then you clearly have no idea what is at stake here. Let’s examine what Canada has done correctly (and what the United States has screwed up) over the last few years in order to make up such a huge differential:

  1. The Metric System: Which country is more likely to stubbornly base its measurement system on the length of a long-deceased English king’s foot, well after the rest of the civilized world has changed to a more user-friendly system: The United States or Canada? What sounds like a typically Canadian M.O. (inexplicably sucking up to the Commonwealth) has become an American monument to isolationism. Hey, if you all like dividing by 3 and 12 and 8 and 5280 so much, then feel free. Just know that the Canadians kicked American ass last week because up there they just toss zeroes around like snowballs.
  2. Gross Domestic Product: While the United States has been busy outsourcing every possible job overseas, the Canadians have steadily continued producing and exporting the things they do best. Namely: hockey equipment, beer, and comedians. Some things will always be in demand.
  3. The National Anthem: This is no war-glorifying song about a flag. This is true patriot love, strong, free, standing on guard, glorious and free. A kick-ass national anthem can go a long ways towards your currency’s international value. Here’s some indication of how proud the Canadians are of their anthem. Just a little frightening, no? Are you telling me these people wouldn’t cross a southern border armed only with snow shovels if called upon? Hmmmm??? Food for thought….
  4. No Stupid Two Party System: Ever feel that neither the Republicans nor the Democrats accurately represent your political views, but you don’t feel like wasting a vote on a third-party stiff? Join the other 300 million of us. Canada has it right, though. Apparently in Canada, the only thing you need to have your own viable political party is a logo and a funny powdered wig (and even the logo is optional). Hell, they even have an actual political party that speaks a totally different language and whose stated goal is to split the country apart…and that party wins actual seats in the actual government!! How cute is that?!? It’s that kind of forward-thinking openness that endears Canada to the rest of the world and causes its currency to rise in value.
  5. Being Secretly Communist: If there’s one thing the Cold War taught us, it’s that Communism works for a little while until human nature takes over and the people in charge of redistributing the wealth to the masses become greedy and decide to just redistribute the wealth into their own Cayman Island bank accounts instead. Canada laughs in the face of such conventional wisdom!! National Health Care? Canada’s had it for decades. National television and radio networks? Check. National airlines? Check. National railways? Check. Kid you not: British Columbia (a “province“) is about to essentially legalize prostitution as long as the hookers and johns promise the government it can get involved. Clearly the rest of the world finds this cute little Western attempt at socialism to be endearing, and hence the rise of the Canadian dollar.
  6. Tim Horton’s Donuts. If you’ve never had them, you wouldn’t understand.

I could also go on about the proliferation of humor-bloggers that are or were Canadian. Yes, that’s correct…the reason I have such an in-depth knowledge of the issues that we’re dealing with here is that I, too, was a Canadian. And America, you’d better step it up or I might have to reconsider my recent vows to the Stars & Stripes. Quite honestly, something like me going back north on a permanent basis could be the thing that pushes Canada over the top once and for all.

That, or losing the &%$#$ beaver and maple leaf as national symbols.


PS: Humor-blogs.com would like to wish lovely NEVA a hugely happy and especially non-crummy birthday. The keeper of the gate-keys to Central Snark, and the sososo very funny person whom I lovelovelove is celebrating what I believe is her 29th birthday today……again!! Have a great one, Neva!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! ; ) –CrummyJoel

LAMPSHA HERE! I was going to sneak in and just title NotCrummyAtAll Joel’s post EVERYBODY LOVELOVELOVES SNUPPY! But then I thought it might catch your eye and I didn’t want you to be tipped off right away that we were going to wish you a Happy 29th (sounds good to me). So, my dearest NBFF, Happy Birthday! Dare I say that without your every day damn funny if not sometimes confusing posts (I’m kidding, I don’t need your posts to confuse me) there’d be no Snark and a fair amount of camaraderie and friendship that exists in our circle and beyond. So what better day to tell you how much your loveloveloved and appreciated than on your birthday? Happy Birthday – may you have every manner of good health and happiness and shiney things in the year ahead. And may we get together for TGSNWM soon to toast! My treat! Have a great day. XOX

Diesel checking in as well to wish my favorite Crazy Aunt a happy birthday.  Oh, and Grundir told me to say, “Bah!  Tell me when she hits 800!”

Penguin joining the lovefest 2007. I second all the above – isn’t it grand when you come in last?- and I like to add that I think you look particularly marvelous on this fine day. I am not going to make this post any longer than it needs to be, but we hope you kinda get the drift of all of this: You are wonderfully weird, insanely all over the place and ridiculously charming. We loves you!

 Who said you came in last???  Last I heard bohemians had yet to go extinct!  DIOS MIO!  Oh dearest Nevalicious Snuppy de mi corazón here’s wishing you the happiest of happy days!  *Sigh* to west coast living’s drawback of lagging three hours behind in the festivities but, alas, better late than never for to show you the amor bohemians must and shall and WILL and, in addition to mucho amor desde el fondo de mi alma, oh so many thank yous for your continued faboo posts and sharp wit and what-some-may-call-confusing-but-what-in-my-tangential-universe-never-fails-to-make-anything-less-than-oh-so-perfect-sense amazing posts you continue to dish out and entertain us with… posts with which you carry the load of some-to-rename-nameless-but-we-all-know-who-they-are-said-the-bohemian-with-all-fingers-pointing-at-her contributor(s) who are eternally grateful to you, I am sure (ahem, ahem… what would I know? Um, yeah…), and so, since I could go on and ’tis best not for bohemians can be a tad verbose and whatnot, this stops NOW and so off I go to tell some big strapping men to bend over (YOGA people!) leaving y’all with un adios and you my dearest amiga with huge boho kisses flyin’ your way… and with that, BoheMia OUT!

30 Comments so far
Leave a comment

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE PUPPY! You’re lookin’ fine!

Great post Joel. I’d brag about bein’ first and all, but sh*t, everybody else is part of the post. So damn, I’m feelin’ left out.

But, wait, I’ve recovered. This is not about me. It’s about Canada. And the snuppy puppy. *tears in my eyes* Long live Canada! Bow to the birthday girl!

Comment by tlp

Happy birthday, Neva.

Comment by Walela

It’s not a duck, it’s a Loon. Thus called the Loonie. (Two dollar coins are Toonies/Twonies)

Happy Birthday Neva!!!

Sorry Joel, work calls so I’ll have to read the rest later. (Bow in fear!)

Comment by I Dive At Night

TLP, we could copy and paste you right into the post – say the word.

Happy Birthday Nevala! Enjoy your day!

Joel, excellent post as always. I should have know you were originally Canadian by the ease with which you mentioned the metric system, ay.

Comment by Lampsha

Joel, all very good points…but you guys brought forth Celine something mustard! I think the balance is back! No go stand in the corner and pledge your allegiance back to the right flag!

Comment by Penguin

And let’s not forget Shania Twang — not everything from Canada is so wonderful…

But seriously, one of the funniest posts I have read in a while. I dated a Canadian girl for several years, so I feel a certain fondness for our neighbors (enemies??) to the north.

But come on…a LOONIE???

Comment by Steve Sensenig

Happy, happy, joy, joy, to my dear sweet Snuppy (who in case you haven’t figured out by now and if you haven’t what rock have you been sleeping under, I mean come on)is the love and light of my life. Have a wonderful day sweetie – mexican food by this weekend I promise! I love you.

Comment by BoBo

HAH! first off, allow me to say thanks; whoa; woohoo; you guys; WHO spilled the freaking birthday beans?; I’m flattered/touched/cracking up; yes 29 is just about right, give or take a decade or two(ish); Grundir, I fear I’m closer to that “interesting” age than you suspect; and finally, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

also just so completely laughing at this post. i didn’t have time to “check” it out last night (something i usually do, if only to see if i’m gonna have to pull something out of my, er, birthday butt at the last minute) so i had no idea anyone remembered. well, except for my NBFF (that Lampsha…) that said, trust me when i tell you, having arrived at this particular old-age junction, it’s reallyreallyreallyREALLY not necessary to remember a birthday. really. and … oy.

oh, and Joel, i thought “loonies” were cartoonies. and, no, i’ve NEVER had one of Tim Horton’s donuts, but if they’re anything like Krispy Kremes, i’m guessing we’re all in for a treat up shit creek.

again, thanks to Crummy(we are SO dropping that)Joel for this hilarious post and to ALL for the amazing and fabulous Birthday Greeting! i lovelovelove you ALL!!! and that includes my favorite Pez Pal Gal and Curmudgeon. 😉

(heh — i almost put “wonk” between the colons up there, wonder if, instead of a “wink”, we’d have wound up with Gene Wilder’s silly grin?)

Comment by snuppy

The last time I had a twonie, I wasted half an hour trying to get the foil off to get to the chocolate.

And in spite of this currency thing (which I’m sure will straighten itself out soon enough), Canada really is the land of missed opportunity. They could have had British culture, French cuisine, and American technology, and instead ended up with American culture, British cuisine, and French technology…

Comment by Wes Kenney

ruh-roh — guess we cross commented, BoBo… d’oh! and thank you, m’love, for the amazing flowers (a’yup, he kicked off the “celebration” early with a beautiful bouquet yesterday) and the lovely card. and, not that i’m bitter about your health, or anything, but could you PUH-LEASE tell your tummy to start feeling better so i can have my Traditional Birthday Mexican Dinner some time before NEXT year?? oh, and no worries about all those presents you left on the counter — they’ll still be there when you get home. whether they’ll still be wrapped remains to be seen. 😉

Steve: i landed in Canada for a month or so, back in my “youth” (i was in a band, and we played up in Calgary) — and i loved it AND the people. that said, i did date one guy up there, briefly, who later looked me up when i moved to San Diego, decided to “visit”, and i feared i’d never get rid of him. (think of that Seinfeld episode, when Elaine meets that guy out of state who flies to NYC for the weekend, then won’t go). fortunately, Karma caught up with his arrogant ass in the form of the Worst Sunburn Ever. (seriously, he turned out to be a world class jerk). 🙄

Comment by snuppy

Happy 29th Birthday Snuppy. I swear your avatar gets younger everyday. 🙂

Comment by Brian

Brian: why thank you sir! oh, to be able to “airbrush” out wrinkles in real life… 😉

Comment by snuppy

Happy, happy my dearest amiga… more words (and *groan* that is the SHORT version so forgive me all as I run out the door and cannot shorten it further for a hijacking of a post was NOT my intention!!! so feel free to kick me if you must… the stomach would be great, might help my intestines and I have good core strength so go on, KICK ME!) up above and many kisses there, here and everywhere! Have a beautiful and fabulous and magical day!!!!


Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

Oh crap, that was me, BoheMia…

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

Happy birthday, Neva!

Comment by Al

Canada: Go for the bronze!

And I have no freakin’ idea what that is in French. I’m proud of it, too. Sort of.

Good job, Joel.
I honeymooned on the “cheap” around Banff during that Loonie=60 US cents period. Gorgeous country. But could never figure out the kilometer thing, eh.

Comment by Ironic Catholic

Al: what… no cool sound effects? yeesh — i feel so… cheated. (kidding, i totally kid. that was just my way of saying your reading for Waking Ambrose over the weekend was FANTASTIC!) that said, thank you for your wishes, my friend. 🙂

CYM: ooooooooooh, muchas gracias amiga de mi corazón! i saw your “little” addition and read with much amusement AND joy! (and yes, i think i blushed a couple of times, too!) thank you, lovely BoheMia, for such wonderful words! and kisses & hugs right back at ya! oh, to be taking one of your Yoga classes today… that would be grand! probably difficult — considering my “age” and all — but grand, nonetheless. 😉

Comment by snuppy

Happy Birthday Neva!

Comment by weirsdo

happy birthday Neva–and here’s to 29 for oh 29 more years at least

Joel that was such a great post–and then I began to get so confused. Felt as if i could have written it

Comment by pia

Smarties and ketchup chips FOREVER! You’re on your own with poutine, though, bro- I never got that one. Southern Ontario, represent!

Comment by Emily

Thanks everyone. And Happy Birthday again to our Fearless Leader.

Emily: Holla.

Comment by crummyjoel

Happy birthday to whoever. I still have trouble realizing how Canada can be a threat… Wonder what Evil Santa could do about that… (put C4 in the toys maybe)

Comment by Santadelic

“Happy birthday to whoever.” I couldn’t have said it better myself. Wait, actually I can: “Happy birthday to WHOMEVER.” It’s called a direct object, Santa. Look into it.

Comment by Diesel

Oh Canada….Great post Joel, you just had me rolling on the floor. By the way, the Euro is also stronger than the dollar, not to rub it in or anything…;)

Happy Birthday Snuppy, Neva, Crazy Aunt Bea! Hope you have many, many more and that we can be here to celebrate them with you.

Comment by Theresa

I think the Mexican Peso may be stronger at this point!

Comment by Lampsha

Okay – happy birthday (late here on Snark) Neva, I lovelovelove Mexican food – do you even have anything decent up there?? AND, what on earth does NBFF mean – I’ve been trying to figure it out for months! New Best Foreign Friend? Hmmmm

Comment by tsduff

New Best Friend FOREVER!

Like, OH. MY. GAWD!

🙂 He, he, heeee!

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

This was Can-tastic, Joel! It made me want to sing Oh, Canada while heading over to Tim’s. The threat of Canada is dangerous. Oh so maple syrupy dangerous.

Happy birthday NEVA!!!!! You rock the park!

Comment by littlebluepill

When I worked in the states, getting paid in US dollars, I still had to pay my tuition in Canadian. This is a touchy topic. However, coming back for the Tim Horton’s WAS worth it, in the end.

But our anthem? Not going to lie, I like the American anthem better.

Comment by Lisa

Lisa: Really?!? Wow. I know a ton of good ole’ boy redneck stars-‘n-stripes waving, NASCAR watching Americans down here in Tennessee who will privately admit that “O Canada” is the best national anthem going.

Huh. To each their own, I guess.

Comment by crummyjoel

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