Central Snark

Oh Mermma… by Snuppy
Friday, 28 September 2007, 8:40am
Filed under: funny..., Sex, Ed?

HAHAHAHA. Excuse us while we take a moment to laugh at our own punniness — even as we recognize we’re laughing alone.

smart girlsTHIS post is brought to you by the letters T, V, X and Y. Why? because we’ve been waiting for the excuse to write another “informative” Sex, Ed? post, and thanks to TEH PENGUIN’S clever and entertaining “sex related” offering on Wednesday, we can. Actually, we covered the topic we’re about to discuss on another blog, via another server, in another blogosphere long long ago, following a particularly disturbing episode of HOUSE that screamed “discuss amongst your one or two readers before you scare them all away with more mentions of ticks in a vagina”. Last year’s “bizarre” mystery-related plot twist? A lovely nubile teenage supermodel passes out on the runway, in the middle of a fashion show, no less, and is rushed to the hospital where the curmudgeonly medical genius Dr. House, along with his band of jolly House-wannabes, discovers the young “lady” in question is 1) addicted to heroin, 2) sleeping with her daddy, and 3) a guy. At least, sort of.

NOW, we can’t say for sure, but we’re guessing the first few questions that came screaming to the foremost of your own fragile little brains were as follows: The super hot girl was a guy? Really? Wowzer. Do such sexually confusing things happen in real life? Are there other super models out there with a little “more” than meets the eye? Is it normal for me to keep asking myself stuff like this, or should I only get nervous if I start answering myself, too? Also, is my plant dying? ‘Cuz it looks terrible, and I thought I just watered it, yesterday.

BRACE your happy-yet-naive-selves for the answer(s), kids, because, according to the Very Competent Researchers Who Research Such Things (including, but not limited to our veryverysmart sister), they do. Well, maybe not accompanied by the whole drama featuring ailing supermodels with abusive father issues, but that gender assignment “confusion” thing? Oh yeah. In fact, it happens about 1.7 percent of the time. That’s 1.7 babies out of 100. Are you shocked? Do you, like us, wonder what .7 of a baby looks like? Also, is it possible to over water a Boston fern?

OF course, if any of you had bothered to read Skin Flutes and Velvet Gloves, a collection of facts & fancies, legends & oddities about the body’s private parts, you wouldn’t have been surprised in the least. But then, most of you did not read this book, nor did you take any of our sister’s human sexuality courses in college, back when you had the chance. (fortunately, since her classes were among the most popular courses ever, lots of folks actually did) But, back to those of you who didn’t read the book and/or learn about “the facts of life” from a beautiful college professor… what the hell is wrong with you? Don’t you want to be as smart as all the other boys, girls, and/or intersexuals on the playground?

AS most of you do and/or should know (with or without our sister’s help) stick figurea child’s gender is traditionally identified by the person handling the delivery duties at a baby’s birth. Let’s face it, “It’s a boy!” or “It’s a girl!” are the two most anticipated declarations a new parent waits to hear. But, if the baby-delivery-assisting person bothered to look (much) closer, perhaps the announcement might sound more like this:

“Hmm…this child has both testes and ovaries. It’s a herm!”

“Wow… this infant has testes, some female genitalia, but no ovaries. It’s a merm!”

“Ooh… this baby has ovaries, some male genitalia, but no testes. It’s a ferm!”

“Eww… this sprout has long green leaves and cultivars. It’s a fern!”

BOYS, merms, herms, ferms, and girls — those are the real gender distinctions. Ferns are just stupid and annoying plants that die the minute we stick them in the corner of the dining room. But that’s beside the point. The point, which will be easier to replace than than the disgustingly dried up decorative vegetation currently shedding leaves all over the carpet, is that when it comes to “gender identification”, it’s not just about the X‘s and/or the Y‘s, because there are XX boys and XY girls. Of course, in the “real” world, those differentiating details only matter in the Olympics — where a sneaky Y can make the difference between “ladies” and… “cheating sons of bitches”. That said, Dr. House’s assertion (in the aforementioned episode from Season 2) that the he/she model had long lean limbs, soft curves, and perky breasts, along with a peaches ‘n cream complexion because he/she was a he/she, was all too true.

THAT’S right, we said true. Which means, boys and/or girls, many of the supermodels you admire — and wish to emulate and/or date — are probably not unlike Dr. House’s nubile patient, in that they are of an ambiguous gender — or, if you prefer, intersexual. We know what you’re thinking (mind readers that we’ve become) was Olive Oyl intersexual? Well, gee kids, how the hell should we know? We only put that picture in ‘cuz, if you’re anything like us, your eyes started crossing after the 2nd paragraph of this post, and you’re now in need of a little comic relief. Sue us.

FOR those of you whose eyes have yet to cross, brace yourselves (again) for one or two more genital-related factoids, before we call it a day:

  1. every male has a remnant of a vagina which appears as a tiny tag of skin on the lining of the bladder. It’s called “vagina masculina” — which, we’re sure you’ll agree, makes it sound WAY less girly.
  2. out of every 4000 female babies born each year, approximately 1 is born without a vagina, masculina or otherwise.
  3. 1 in 100,000 males babies is born with a “diphallus” or double penis — which is, needless to say, not just hella masculina, but downright scary.
  4. ferns are stupid plants that shrivel up and die, even if you put them in really good light, and water them frequently.

babyWHEW. We’re tired, and we’re guessing you are, too. We’re also hoping today’s Very Important Information, presented without benefit of YouTube videos, will hold ya until we get around to lifting content out of our sister’s book elevating your understanding about men and/or women, again. When will that be? Gosh, it’s just so darn hard to say, but, thanks to a fresh new season of hot shows, we doubt it’ll be long before something strikes our collective fancy. If we’re lucky, The Office will trigger an inspiration by doing an episode that features merkins. Or Mad Men will toss around a few impressive genital-related terms like automonosexual, or pedomentia. Or, the crack law team on Boston Legal will wind up defending a woman who killed her husband, a man with an unusually small penis, so tiny, in fact, she (correctly) refers to him as “the bugfucker” — a term, by the way, we once ascribed to a certain Chicago television critic. But, as is so often the case when we get excited by thoughts of new episodes of our favorite shows and/or we rile ourselves with thoughts of someone who was sometimes unkind to people we love, we digress. Bottom line(ish) for today: parts is parts, even when they aren’t “technically” visible to the naked eye.

You can’t have a period, Stan, because you are a man… with titties.” ~ God [South Park episode in which Stan tries to “get his period” and accidentally grows breasts]


PS: Too much information? No worries, tomorrow you can sit back and enjoy another winning Saturday Spin, when our dear NBFF, the delightful DJ LAMPSHA, shows up to work more of her musical magic.

Mermma’s don’t let yer babies grow up to be cowbells… and/or frequent readers of Humor-blogs.com.

15 Comments so far
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apologies to those whose eyes did cross whilst reading the above. i didn’t intend to write such a long ass post, but these things happen. (that’s what he said) just be glad i didn’t go into details about which famous actresses and/or models qualify as “herms”. just sayin’… they’re out there. not that there’s ANYTHING wrong with that, mind you, because, to be sure, there’s NOT. πŸ˜‰

Comment by snuppy

You have to stick your ferns UNDER the dining room table to get them to grow. If you can’t figure out where that is, it’s where the boys go when they drop their M&M’s.

Comment by the frogster

Too much information? I think not! Not enough information. I want more! But if I google for it, I’ll get spam. So you google (or steal it from the sister’s book) and post it.

Didcha read Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides? Very good book.

I had a fern. I treated it better than I treated my children. Damn thing died anyway. I think they want to live outside.

Comment by tlp

Frogster: hah! or, in the case of our household, “under the table” is where our dogs go to eat their “cookies” — or lick the spot that used to be their balls. πŸ™„

TLP: i am SO laughing at this, because i read an interesting short story earlier this week called “Scroogled”. as you might imagine, it involved a world in which every single search we’ve ever done comes back to bite us in the ass. scary stuff. ooooh, and i LOVELOVELOVED “Middlesex”. you’re so right, it was excellent. laughing at you caring more for the plant than the kids — our kids accuse us of being way more attentive to our pets. sadly (or not) they’re right. πŸ˜‰

Comment by snuppy

I for one, have read Skin Flutes & Velvet Gloves by the brilliant Dr Terri whose jokes often remind of brilliant Aunt Beatrice who pretty much cracked me up the whole way through with the fern tangents. Hey! I think I’m getting the whole run-on sentence thing. I have so much to learn, I’m sorry it’s only Friday once a week.

Comment by Walela

This is why I’m single. All this sexual confusion! At least I know I’m a girl from bangs to toes. 100%. But the rest of you people…now I’m not so sure about all.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

And why do all ferns wind up in the dining room? My mom had one that lived there for, like, 30 years then she moved it into the kitchen nook where it is quite literally growing up the wall, wrapping around her collection of wood carvings AND the curtain rod. So…if you want your fern to die don’t put it in direct sunlight. I’m also never naming a daughter of mine Fern. She’d just wind up stuck in the dining room corner for 30 odd years. And that would just be bad parenting on my part but the dining room corner is where you keep ferns. Even I, gardening black thumb of death, knows this.

Wow…rambly. Awesome.

Comment by littlebluepill

Those naughty ferns! Hilarious post, not a bit too long. It reminded me of this scene between Queen Elizabeth and her nurse, from Blackadder:

Nursie: You almost were a boy, my little cherry pit.

Queenie: What?

Nursie: Yeah. Out you popped, out of your mummie’s tumkin and everybody shouting : “It’s a boy, it’s a boy!”. And somebody said “but it hasn’t got a winkle!” And then I said “A boy without a winkle? God be praised, it’s a miracle. A boy without a winkle!” And then Sir Thomas More pointed out that a boy without a winkle is a girl, and everyone was really disappointed.

Melchett: Oh yes, well you see, he was a very perceptive man, Sir Thomas More.

Sorry, I just couln’t resist sticking that in, it’s Friday and I’m in a very silly mood. Herms, merms, and ferms, eh? Things are becoming very complicated, indeed.

Comment by Theresa

You lost me at the fern. πŸ˜‰

Have a great weekend all you Snarksters and I’ll be catching up with reading about the flutes and the gloves after I get off.

Snuppy, you’re still nubile in my book.

Comment by Brian

Hee-lair-eee-us!!! Great post Snuppy but inquiring minds do need to know more. TGIF and make sure you get a TGSNWM before the day is out.

Comment by BoBo

Somebody around here is going to get a nasty letter from the American Fern Society … πŸ˜‰

And yes, it is possible to kill a Boston fern by overwatering it. Of course, it was already stressed, trying to figure out how it got from the nice, warm, appropriately moist South America to which it’s native to the nasty weather of the Back Bay. I had one once. I called it “Rabbit”. Because if I’d let it, it would have made 194,542.6 copies of itself and thrown me out of my apartment.

I’m standing up for ferns because, overall, I’ve found them much nicer and neater – not to mention safer – to deal with than all this 1.7% oddity sex stuff. Mind you, humans have no monopoly on weirdness here. Take ants, bees and wasps, for instance, where the women really do do all the work, and the males don’t have a Y chromosome, they have a NO chromosome. And you thought your boyfriend wasn’t all there. Furthermore (trust me on this), you do NOT want to delve into the sexual proclivities of frogs. The truth makes Kermit’s dalliance with Miss Piggy look positively like just another day in the ‘burbs.

Comment by oceallaigh

Uh oh. Did someone eat Snuppy? I can prove where I was all day.

Comment by Walela

Thatw as brilliant. You have such a way with disrupting yoruself, how you get anythign doen is beyond me.

I read Middlesex as well and whole-heartedly agree.

One of these days I would like to sit at the table where you and Dr.Terri have a conversation. I am thinking it would be a riot!

Comment by Penguin

Walela: let’s get over that “diphallus” hump first, shall we? then we can tackle the “difriday” thing… (when i’m tired the dumbest things not only make sense, they’re flat out hilarious.) i thank you (for that lovely compliment) and my sister thanks you, too — you’d be welcome at our table any time. bring a notebook, sometimes it’s the only way to “accurately” follow our tangental trainwrecks of thought (thoughts??). oy. πŸ™‚

LBP: i have plants that have been with us for years and years. sadly, there’s nary a fern amonst ’em. not sure why, but MY own sorry black thumb works over time when it comes to those damn things. laughing now at thoughts of poor Baby Fern being stuck in the dining room corner for 30 or so years of her life. wonder if that was the inspiration for Tennesee William’s The Glass Menagerie? eh, just a thought. πŸ˜‰

Brian: sports fan that you are, i’ll just guess you’re looking forward to a long weekend of watching football games, complete with those “peppy” marching bands (thinking “gloves” and “flutes” here). compared to a 97 year old woman, i AM nubile. (just sayin’…) πŸ˜‰

BoBo: thank goodness you’re my biggest fan! when everyone else is staring at the “crazy” old lady, i know you’ll always be there to gently walk me back to my corner. (of course, a lot of this probably sounds mighty familiar to you, considering all those nights we sat up proof reading Terri’s book, eh?) πŸ™‚

OC: oh yeah, like i need YOU to tell me i don’t want to delve into the “sexual proclivities” of frogs. heh. (okay, i confess, one of our “future” topics actually will lean in the direction of the “birds ‘n bees”… perhaps i should ask you to moderate??) as for that fern?? show off. i’ve spent a small fortune on those things, and have NEVER had one last more than a few months. (altho’ one almost died until i set it outside, these days it looks fantastic) and i am cracking up at that “Fern Society” site — 900 members worldwide? wow. πŸ™„

Walela: didn’t we cover cannibalism on Monday??? πŸ˜‰

Penguin: you are one of the few people i know who manages to follow my tangental conversations beautifully. i wasn’t kidding about my sister’s class being among the University’s most popular (LONG waiting lists every semester) — but one of the (very few) criticisms at the end of each year was the fact that she tended to get “off topic” from time to time. still, her students loveloveloved her — and i have NO DOUBT you will, too! (trust me, she’s WAY more funny than i am. something about having that “doctor” in front of her name, i suspect). Middlesex was a wonderful read, wasn’t it? that said, thanks to you, my two sons have their noses buried in Terry Pratchett novels — meaning i won’t get to read one until someone finishes. d’oh! (boy #2 went out and got his own copy because he didn’t feel like “waiting”). πŸ™‚

Comment by snuppy

I needed to come back and comment because I believe I read this on Friday and then had to rush out to Julian’s school for volunteer recess time and had not been back much since. But I did read this by skimming on Friday and laughed and laughed. THen spent the weekend a) checking out skinny hipless women and wondering and b) feeling better about my own curves (and well extra pound or ten) because at least there’s nothing ambiguous (watch it) about my womanhood. Ah this was funny *and* informative (and maybe I got just a tad quesy because anything at all medical makes me feel so).

Sorry I didn’t get in on Friday…or Saturday or Sunday or Monday, for that matter, but had to just say excellent post!

Comment by Lampsha

There’s a lot, I’m sure, of sexual confusion here in Holland where the girls look like boys and the boys look like girls, but the gender confusion, gender being a topic you didn’t even touch upon, is a far greater, greater even than the 1.7% of people with confusing genitals, issue here, in my opinion, my opinion being decidedly un-trained and non-professional, than even a Diesel Jeans advertisement, which of course are intended to sell clothes to confused ferms and merms and flikkers with ferns.

Comment by I Dive At Night

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