Central Snark


Behind No Eyes by mattresspolice
Monday, 8 October 2007, 8:22am
Filed under: funny...

I know that you all think of me as “affable, fun-loving Grundir the Implacable,” but in truth there are times when I find it difficult to keep my spirits up. Do not misunderstand me; I am very grateful to my lord Diesel for appointing me as the official meme-wraith of the Mattress Police. I am glad to be able to employ my razor sharp wit to dispatch troublesome memes, as well as to occasionally employ my slightly less sharp but equally deadly broadsword to slay the occasional troublesome hobbit. I also rather enjoy living in Diesel’s barn, and helping out with the weeding and what-not.

In spite of these noble and enjoyable pursuits, it is difficult to be a Nazgul in these times. Of course I miss the barren wastelands and choking sulfurous fumes of Mordor. Who would not? But there is more to it than that. Oh, I’ve gotten used to the curse of eternal living death brought on by my enslavement to an accursed magical ring, and I’ve basically adjusted to having no corporeal form. Sometimes at night I wail uncontrollably because of my inability to imbibe a tasty mead or deflower a tasty virgin, but even that I am hopeful I can get over with therapy.

No, what weighs heavily upon me these days is the little things, like the way small children look upon me when I’m at Target. I know, I should not let it trouble me so, but it wears on one, being constantly treated as if I am some sort of monster. Bah! I hear your protests. It is immaterial that I am, in fact, some sort of monster. (Get it, immaterial? I slay me!)

Do I not have feelings? If you stab me, do I not bleed? Ok, bad example. The point is that it is lonely being a foul creature of the night, neither alive nor dead. If only there were some way to express how I feel, perhaps in song.

Bah! Enough of this meaningless sentimentality. I have hobbits to slay.

Before I go, I must remind you that tonight is the deadline for my master Diesel’s caption contest. Also, I must urge you to visit humor-blogs.com or risk tasting my steel.

Finally, best wishes to mistress Snuppy, who is tending to her injured son. I would like to meet this young man, as he sounds as if he might be tough enough to withstand even a Morgul blade.

~ Grundir the Implacable

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9 Comments so far
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i can’t decide what’s more disturbing — imagining Grundir skulking through the isles of Target, being mercilessly teased by small children at the turn of every corner, or watching Fred Durst make out with Halle Berry in that video (didn’t know Limp Bizkit covered that song, by the way)

thank you, oh mightiest of Grundirs, for this tasty post — almost as tasty, i hasten to add, as those virgins you’ll never get your han…er, claws on. i believe my strapping son, the less-than-mighty Andy, would be honored to join you in your quest to slay hobbits and/or yourself (that was pretty damn funny) once he’s able to get around without the aid of 4 nurses, one exhausted mother, leg braces, and a cane. but hey, as soon as he’s back home in Connecticut (trust me, the drive to Manhattan every day is such a bitch) i’ll have him give you a ring. (get it? ring?? hahahaha. see, you’re not the only one who kills around here, big guy.)

you rock, and that’s all there is to that! πŸ™‚

Comment by mistress snuppy

by the way, and speaking of “slaying humor”, tell Master Diesel his “Jupiter” t-shirt is becoming quite the conversation item along the streets of Manhattan and/or on the train. my older son wore one yesterday, and folks stopped us along our way home (on aforementioned streets and/or train) to read/admire the hilarity contained with…on. (uh, you know what i mean, right? not “within”, but “on”, since it’s “on” the shirt, and not “in”…..)

needless to say, it was attention grabbing. perhaps i should set up a stand and sell off a few, in hopes of allaying hospital costs, which promise to be, massive πŸ™„

Comment by mistress snuppy

It’s good that you can share your sensitive side Grundir. Especially if it involves Halle Berry.

Comment by Jeff

Snuppy – Fred Durst making out with Halle Berry is definitely more disturbing. I’m not much of a Limp Bizkit fan (is anyone these days?), but I do love the cover of that song. I tried to get Grundir to post The Who’s version, but what can I say, he’s evil.

Glad to hear the Jupiter shirt is a hit (the rest of you can buy one by going to my site and clicking on the Mattress Police Store link…). Too bad GWB vetoed health care for children, or all of your costs would have been covered and I think you would have gotten a puppy too.

Jeff – That’s what I’m talking about!

Comment by Diesel

I think I dreamed about you the other night. I woke up screaming anyway. Screaming with laughter of course. You were slaying me in my sleep. I think I was laughing. Maybe just screaming.

Comment by tlp

That song brought tears of empathy to my eyes.

Comment by Lisa

I love the cover of that song which happens to be one of my fave Who tunes. Halle is out of Fred’s league, but I did have to fan myself a little nonetheless. Grundir, you’re a little devil aren’t ya?

I bet TLP calls “you killer cause you slay her.”

Comment by Lampsha

Grundir at Target, now that is an interesting thought. But would he really stick out that much? I remember there used to be all kinds of odd-looking people in California. Maybe if he wears a Mattress Police t-shirt, he’ll look a bit more normal. πŸ˜‰

Comment by Theresa

I love that song…I played it three time just to drown in sadness for teh heck of it πŸ™‚

Grundir, you always slay me!

If kids point at you and stuff, get real close…noses and nasal bone almost touching and tell them “I know where you live!” and turn around.
I did it, worked like a lava rock from the pits of Mount Doom on cold skin! πŸ˜‰

Comment by Penguin




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