Central Snark

Guest Poster: Kalfu’ur, Dauntless One by crummyjoel
Tuesday, 9 October 2007, 8:24am
Filed under: cracks us up, crummy letters

* this post is translated from Shyriiwook

<Greetings, users of Inter-net. My name Kalfu’ur, Dauntless One. Though you may address me simply as Kalfu’ur. Kalfu’ur a Wookie, and distant relative of most revered Wookie: Chewbacca, Magnificent One (May His Fur Always Be Ruffled). Can see similarity particularly around jaw line.>

< Wookies historically good bounty hunters. Spend formative years on Kashyyyk, learning bowcaster skills, channeling rage, and mastering fine art of removing limbs from bodies with maximum pain and suffering. Unfortunately, market for bounty hunters not what it was back in days of great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great>

Editor’s note: Wookies have no direct translation for “etc.”, nor do they utilize ellipses, and they tend to be very specific when describing generational relationships. Please envision 3,159 more “great’s” before the next word:

<grandfather Chewbacca, Magnificent One (May His Fur Always Be Ruffled). Kalfu’ur traveled to this galaxy in search employment, and spent little time helping man named Orenthal, Juicy One hunt something called “Real Killers”. But market for bounty hunters still quite small here and now, in galaxy much, much closer. Therefore Kalfu’ur have sought new work.>

<Come to find out, there much need for hired muscle around Inter-net. Much like Force, Inter-net have light side and dark side. Hairless man named Joel, Crummy One hire me to police dark side of Inter-net. Joel, Crummy One think too many people creating alternate personas in order to maximize Inter-net exposure. Joel think alternate personas just flimsy excuse to over-expose primary persona to rest of Inter-net! Though hairlessness sign of weakness on Kashyyyk, Kalfu’ur agree with Joel!! Joel, Crummy One hire Kalfu’ur to destroy all alternate personas everywhere on Inter-net!!>

(Unintelligible Wookie War-Bellow)

<Kalfu’ur stop silly alternate personas! Kalfu’ur not understand them! They not same as when Chewbacca, Magnificent One (May His Fur Always Be Ruffled) pretended to be prisoner in order infiltrate Death Star. Or when He pretended to be prisoner in order infiltrate Jabba’s Palace. (What can Kalfu’ur say? A good plan is a good plan. He “Magnificent One” for a reason!) There no princess in Inter-net! There no carbonite-encased friends! There no handsome bounty for alternate personas!>

(A second unintelligible Wookie War-Bellow)

<So, if anybody see alternate personas running amuck on internet, please tell Kalfu’ur so Kalfu’ur can put end to silliness! Please email kalfuur@gmail.com. Bowcaster trigger finger getting itchy!>

<Looking at post below this one, Kalfu’ur already suspicious.>

(Final, definitive, Wookie War-Bellow)

PS: <Humor-blogs.com say “Imitation sincerest form flattery”>

PPS: <May force be with Snuppy’s son in continued recovery.>


29 Comments so far
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<Kalfu’ur: there be plenty o’ funniness on this Earth, the Middle Earth, this solar system, and, apparently, in galaxies far, far away. who knew? (thinkin’ Not-In-the-Least-Bit-Crummy-Joel did)

<once i regain control of my laughter (and, quite possibly, sphincter) i will be forced (heh) to go back into the city in order to storm the healing fort that holds my son hostage. but please know that i am filled with glee and delight in the knowledge this blog is being protected by such a formidable guardian. please extend my words of gratitude to Joel, the Crummy One, and let him know he, too, has managed to exceed expectations great and small.

<do i smell a battle brewing between Grundir and Kalfu’ur? i’m thinking we could sell tickets to something like that. (maybe help defray our medical expenses, Crummy(SO not)Joel’s therapy sessions and/or Diesel’s building costs. just a thought… ๐Ÿ˜‰

Comment by snup'py

Funnily enough, I was yesterday thinking about gettign myself a second persona, you know the one to saay all the mean things in my head and if someone complains, I can point the fingre and say it wasn’t me!

Now I am a bit scared. We have a walking skeleton and a Chewbacca (may his fur always be ruffled!) look-alike, it takes a bit to come up with a third one that can stand up to those two.

Star Wars done, Lord of the Rings done …means I am stuck with a figure from Harry Potter, doesn’t it?!

Comment by Penguin

Snuppy: This Grundir fellow currently under investigation.

Penguin: Only if you want business end of bowcaster directed at you

Unintelligible Wookie War-Bellow

Comment by Kalfu'ur

Look, when I overexpose my primary persona, you’ll know it. Wait, that came out wrong.

Comment by Diesel

Okay let’s cut to the chase Kalfu’ur – do you do memes?


Comment by Lampsha

Beware, hirsute one! It is dangerous ground you tread. I may suggest to my master that he start a new blog entitled “Crummy Blogs that Basically Do the Same Post Every Day.”

Comment by Grundir the Implacable

Diesel: Keep light saber to self, or face removal of other primary limbs.

Lampsha: Memes? Do they taste good with Ewok?

Grundir: Hm. My investigation currently looks bleak for you. Though I approve of Blog you suggest. Perhaps Blog can include blogs that do caption contest, followed by votes, followed by result, followed by more caption contest.

Comment by Kalfu'ur

O-kay. This post has left me without words, mainly because I am laughing too hard. At least I can still type. I think we need a three-way fight between Diesel, Grundir, and Kalfu’ur. Choose your weapons, uh, men? In the meantime I’m going to look for an altenate persona for myself, since that looks like lots of fun.

Comment by Theresa

Theresa: Not so fun if flailing about limbless.

Wookie War-Bellow

Comment by Kalfu'ur

Actually, the fight should be four-way, since Crummy Joel should stand behind (or in front) of his alternate persona, and that way it would all be much fairer to all involved (and more interesting to all of us spectators).

Comment by Theresa

Steel cage match!

Comment by Lampsha

Theresa: How can Kalfu’ur be alternate persona of Joel, Crummy One if Kalfu’ur’s very mission to defeat alternate personas? Kalfu’ur real Wookie. Evidence further suggests Grundir faker than 3-Dollar Imperial Credit, though.

Lampsha: Who needs cage?

Comment by Kalfu'ur

I think someone is a little grumpy about his dingleberries.

Comment by Diesel

Diesel: On Kashyyyk, we have funny joke about those and ancient alien race called “Klingons”. Probably doesn’t translate well, though.

Comment by Kalfu'ur

Wow, the Snark has morphed (mightily) into the Ultimate Fight Club for wacky alien types posing as alternate personas. This could be fun!
But wait, let’s make sure Snuppy’s surgically rendered man-child is out of pain before thrusting such hilarity his way (could hurt around those stitches!)
Hope all is well on the road of recovery.

Comment by claire

a a a a a a a an an an an an the the the the the

Here are those articles you’ve been missing, you walking carpet.

Comment by Grundir the Implacable

I demand a Grundir vs Kalfu’ur wrestling match!

NOW, dammit!

Comment by Lord Likely

Claire: Only fun if limbs removed painfully.

Grundir: “Walking Carpet”. The only joke in universe older than you. Well done.

Lord Likely. I have eye on you also, so be aware. And Kalfu’ur doesn’t wrestle, Kalfu’ur maims.

Comment by Kalfu'ur

Kalfu**er – Locks of Love called, and they want their reject pile back.

Comment by Grundir the Implacable

So they could burn it?

Comment by Lampsha

Grundir: At least Kalfu’ur not allow entire kingdom be brought down by small horde of Ewoks.

Lampsha: You have made Kalfu’ur’s list. Should Kalfu’ur find out Lampsha not really DJ, Lampsha will wish Kalfu’ur been burned.

Comment by Kalfu'ur

ya know, this post was just fun and/or funny from the top to bottom. can’t wait for the Intergallactic/Middle Earth “cage match”. i know a guy who knows a guy who can make a call to someone who knows someone else with a contact at HBO… want me to get in touch with him? ๐Ÿ˜‰

i also can’t wait for my son to get out of the hospital so he can read this for himself, trust me, my description didn’t nearly do justice to the brilliance of you, Kalfu’ur, OR to Grundir (posts and/or comments). you silly boys. ๐Ÿ™„

Comment by snuppy

Snuppy: Kalfu’ur has reconditioned Medical Droid lying around. Would that help? Kalfu’ur willing to trade for vintage Rebellion-era thermal detonator, if Snuppy interested.

Comment by Kalfu'ur

[…] be right on them) along comes Kalfu’ur, Dauntless One, a Wookie and well, read up on him HERE, who seems to be serving a master of his own a/k/a Joel of Crummy Church […]

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I cannot believe I have been threatened by a walking rug.

Comment by Lord Likely

His pelt would make for a glorious jacket, however.

Comment by Lord Likely

[…] If you’d like to meet my new family member who looks suspiciously like this guy, by all means drop by SimplySaid.ย  And Kalfu’ur – he’s not a Yorkshire Terrior, got […]

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[…] let me get this straight…you started guest blogging over here (just like Diesel did), you created an alternate internet persona (just like Diesel did), and now….you wrote a book (just like Diesel did) […]

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Comment by Tova

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