Central Snark

Thursday, 11 October 2007, 8:22am
Filed under: funny...

These are dark days indeed. There seems to be a fierce competition for ruler of The Snarkdom — perhaps even the Blogosphere itself — between forces beyond our control. The first showed up recently at MattressPolice.com and has been doing Diesel’s bidding (referring to him as his Lord and Master), proclaiming that he would even stamp out the evil meme in our time. Read more on his mission HERE. He goes by Grundir the Implacable, and is a Nazgul who until recently was employed by the Dark Lord Sauron on a mission to retrieve a certain magical ring. As if his arrival didn’t leave a growing unease in the air, right on his heels (well if he had heels, it would be right on them) along comes Kalfu’ur, Dauntless One, a Wookie and well, read up on him HERE, who seems to be serving a master of his own a/k/a Joel of Crummy Church Signs.

With the tensions mounting between Grundir and Kalfu’ur, the journalist in me (hey, everyone else is taking different forms) thought that a frank discussion might forge an understanding of one another. With me so far? What follows is a partial transcript from our interview. Judge for yourself the results.

Lampsha: Let’s get started boys – whose weapon is more lethal?

Kalfu’ur: Bowcaster and broadsword cause equal damage. Bowcaster has advantage of being useful from distance. Broadsword has disadvantage of being useless if user is too much of sissy to pick it up and swing it.

Grundir: I find it remarkable that despite the supposed technological superiority of Kalfu’ur’s galaxy, the best he can offer is a “bowcaster.” In a fair fight, I would put my silver on a troll with a boulder. As for me, I use a Morgul blade, which can turn its victim into an undead wraith with one touch. Bowcaster. Bah!

Kalfu’ur: Remind Kalfu’ur again why “undead” preferable to “dead”?

Lampsha: Allright, that broke the ice. Let’s see then – whose morning beauty regimen is quicker?

Kalfu’ur: Not so much beauty as hygiene. Mostly picking fleas out of fur. 10 minutes every morning. Unless Kalfu’ur’s been hanging around or stalking Grundir. In which case flea removal takes 40 minutes

Grundir: I have no corporeal form, and therefore no need for hygiene. Also, beauty is repugnant to me. As are all furry, warm-blooded creatures with their shedding and foul smelling secretions. Bah!

Lampsha: Let’s try for the sensitive side. If you were a tree, what type would you be?

Kalfu’ur: Kalfu’ur would be mile high trees native to home planet Kashyyyk. Planet known as “layered deathtrap” because of trees. “Layered deathtrap” accurately describe Kalfu’ur, also…

Grundir: I would be the tree that slays all other trees with its deadly leaf blade, so that all that remains is a barren wasteland. And me, the Death Tree, standing tall amid the stench of death.

Kalfu’ur: “Leaf blade.” Finally sounds like weapon Grundir can handle.

Grundir: Fierce words from one who spends more time feigning capture than actually fighting. Wookies are like the Frenchmen of the Star Wars universe. No one can understand them, they smell like rotting feet, and they surrender to anything that moves.

Lampsha: Well, that worked well. This one is for Kalfu’ur – I’ve seen the first Star Wars ages ago (that bar scene was classic), what important things have I missed since?

Kalfu’ur: Republic established with Leia in charge of Galaxy. Married Han Solo. All went well for generation after generation until recently small band of tiny Ewok-like creatures brought down entire political infrastructure. Oh…wait….Kalfu’ur sorry…Kalfu’ur getting confused. That last part actually what happened in Grundir’s world.

Grundir: Small, furry creatures are the bane of great evil empires everywhere, it is true.

Lampsha: Hmm, just when I was considering a dog. Let’s move on while we’re in agreement here. Do either of you housesit?

Kalfu’ur: Kalfu’ur sat in houses for hours when stalking one of Kalfu’ur’s bounties. Patience hallmark of good bounty hunter.

Lampsha: You know what they say, “patience is a virtue….

Grundir: I despise your foolish mortal attempts to stave off your fear of impending death by building pathetic structures that you call “homes.” Nazgul spend our nights traversing the highways and byways, looking for innocents to slaughter. Occasionally we also stop at outlet malls.

Lampsha: Grundir, I think you’ll do fine here. Do you get along with domesticated animals?

Kalfu’ur: Kalfu’ur had pet ysalamir when small Wookie on Kashyyyk. Very sad day when “Nookums” got hit by speederbike.

Grundir: Yes, if by “domesticated” you mean “eviscerated.” I must add that hitting Nookums was an accident. The first three times. After that, I wanted only to silence the foul creature’s howls.

Lampsha: All of this talk of evisceration brings to mind the thought – what is your favorite food?

Kalfu’ur: Fried Bantha poodoo. Discovered on Tatooine. Must be prepared properly, though, or else just tastes like $#!tt.

Grundir: Your question enrages me! You know that I do not eat! And if I did, I would not eat fried bantha dung. It is much better sautéed in a nice wine sauce.

Lampsha: Let’s talk music then – favorite Beatle? Hint: the singing group, not the insect.

Kalfu’ur: The one with shaggy hair.

Grundir: Ring-o, of course.

Lamspha: Good one.

Kalfu’ur: Of course, Kaalfu’ur much prefer music of Electric Mayhem. Seems Kalfu’ur and band members have something in common, but cannot put paw on it.

Grundir: Get it, Ring-o. Because I like rings.

Lampsha: Right. That’s funny… What is your “situation”? Single? Looking?

Kalfu’ur: Kalfu’ur take it on run, baby. That the way Kalfu’ur want it, baby. Then Kalfu’ur not want them around. Kalfu’ur not believe it. Not for minute. When Kalfu’ur under the gun, Kalfu’ur take it on run.

Lampsha: I see, a commitment phobe.

Grundir: Again with your impudent questions regarding the carnal nature. Can you not see that I am but a dark essence who is doing everything it can just to fill out this cloak? I have not felt the pleasures of a woman for over 900 years! Ask again and taste my steel, wench! As for Kalfu-ur, I’m fairly certain that he is overly fond of Yorkshire terriers.

Lampsha: May I recommend J-Date?

Kalfu’ur: After 900 years, Kalfu’ur certain Grundir would give fistful of magic rings for one touch from warm tongue of Yorkshire Terrier.

Lampsha: fistful of wha…

Grundir: Ah, warm tongue…. Silence, impudent beast! I have no need of such comforts!

Lampsha: Wish we had more time. I’d like to thank you both for agreeing to talk with me. I think this is a lovely start of what will hopefully be an ongoing conversation. And after all, what’s so funny ’bout peace, love and understanding?

Snuppy, we’d like to encourage Andy’s continued recovery with the wishes that he’ll be swinging a leaf blade in no time himself. XOX

Collaboration of: Lampsha, Diesel and not-Crummy-at-all-Joel

PS: Take cover at Humor-blogs.com – another galaxy heard from!


21 Comments so far
Leave a comment

WORDS fail me. (yeah, like that’s anything new). Lampsha/Diesel/Crummy (let’s change that today) Joel, you three have outdone yourselves today. seriously, this post extends well beyond funny! i’d lovelovelove to be more effusive and/or complimentary, but, thanks to those long drives into Manhattan and/or hours standing by my son’s bed my brain has been reduced to mush. and not the “good” mush, but that crappy stuff Oliver was forced to eat at the orphanage. oy.

so, instead of coming up with new terms to tell you guys how much i enjoyed this post (and/or how much i completely appreciate the effort it took to write it) i think i’ll just read this again, in hopes i can convey the least amount of its brilliance to Andy! (fortunately, they made an adjustment in his meds, so he’ll be able to follow what i’m saying a bit easier. new meds also mean he’s no longer hallucinating about “driving a f-ing Atom Bomb to work” and/or “Vampires in the living room”. heh, come to think of it, i may have some decent blog fodder out of this whole stupid experience down the road. unfortunately, were i forced to write something today, it would read like a dyslexic’s guide to bad grammar and/or spelling. and that wouldn’t be good for anyone!)

AWESOME and FUNNY!! can’t think of a more perfect way to start the day, dear friends. *stops to pet dogs, grateful none of ’em are Yorkies* 😉

PS: with luck, maybe i can do a Sex, Ed? something or other for tomorrow… otherwise, perhaps Grundir and/or Kalfu’ur might like to explain how the “birds ‘n bees” work in their neck of the universe and/or Mordor??

Comment by snup'py

So THAT’s what Grundir was doing yesterday. I was hoping to get that slacker to help out with killing some gophers. I don’t know if this Nazgul minion thing is going to work out.

Comment by Diesel

No joke, Diesel. I was looking for Kalfu’ur all day and he finally turns up in the middle of the night, all drunk and wanting to “talk about things”. Geez.

Comment by crummyjoel

That was brilliant! The idea of Kalfu’ur being overly fond of Yorshire Terriers just had me rolling on the floor. And Grundir’s Ring-o, too funny. I’m with Snuppy, the two of them should get together and explain the birds and the bees (or the hobbits and the ewoks).

Comment by Theresa

Snuppy, trust me, I would have been laughing but these two are rather imposing characters to interview.

Diesel, you’ve set him loose with the memes – there’s no telling where he’ll end up. I’d watch him if I were you.

Joel, ditto. I swear I only provided a bit of liquor to sort of get him to open up. He left after the interview after smashing through my album collection and stealing REO Speedwagon’s Hi Infidelity!

Theresa, I agree too. They could provide a valuable service here.

Comment by Lampsha

I smell an Ultimate Fighting Championship on the horizon!

Comment by Jeff

Sorry for smell Jeff…That was actually Kalfu’ur.

Comment by Kalfu'ur

Those two have quite a bit of cheek, one of them a furry one, the other a hmmmm…zygomatic arch!

I love dthis, well done guys, and interviewer…a lovely end to this rather hazzardous day 🙂

My favourite line is when Grundir mentiones that hitting kalfu’ur’s pet way back, it was purely accidental 🙂

Comment by Penguin

hey…we could have our very own “Battle of the Psychosomatic Cretaures” around these shores. It would be fun seeing Grundir in pink tights and Kalfu’ur bringing his Yorkie to the ring.

Snark-Wrestling federation

*starts practicing her non-existent cheerleading moves*

Comment by Penguin

Penguin, just running through, but wanted to say hi and I believe that was a fave of mine too. I mean three times?

Both of them provided howlingly funny answers I must say. I’d like to see that wrestling scenario that you’ve depicted.

Okay, ciao for now all. I’m off for a birthday celebration for my MIL. Let them eat cake!

Comment by Lampsha

Well done you people!

Comment by claire

We small furry creatures do what we can.
I second the good wishes for Andy.

Comment by Hobbes

Really, really funny stuff.

Comment by Ironic Catholic

Thanks Claire, on behalf of Nazguls and Wookies everywhere.

Hobbes, you do indeed. Are you by any chance warm blooded?

IC: I don’t think the interviewees meant to be funny so I won’t risk their wrath upon you by showing them your comment. But thank you.

Comment by Lampsha

Seems like maybe a nice game of ‘Name That Tune’ might be preferable to a cage match. The Wookie is all over REO Speedwagon, and the Nazgul almost knew who the Beatles were. Oh the Excitement!!

Comment by karen

Karen, I like that idea. We could probably get at least two rounds in before they were both stymied. I’ll forward your suggestion on to them.

Comment by DJ Lampsha

Hello, it is the good doctor here!!

I am here to address the obvious snub of my inclusion in this debate. I question if you are related to my travel agent as she treats me with a similar utter disrespect.

A wookie with a hygiene problem and an ethereal being with an unhealthy obsession for dead hobbits are no match for my rapier-like wit and sagely consultation insight.

Memes? Memes?! Please, I was dispatching these things in my remedial advice classes my freshman year of college. I could send these off while talking in my sleep.

Try taking on the grand-daddy of internet helpfulness, Yahoo Answers. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to answer questions that are simply justifications for behavior and actions?

I didn’t think so.

*drops mic and walks offstage*

Comment by Doctor N.C. Heere

Kalfu’ur watching “Doctor” closely now.

Comment by Kalfu'ur

oh oh I was hoping Doc N didn’t see this blog post but apparently he has. All I can do is cut off his per diem money. The rest of his behavior I have no control over.

Comment by Chris C

[…] number should qualify as the “theme song” for future “parody posts” by Kalfu’ur & Grundir (assuming there are any). Also, is it just us, or wouldn’t “Kalfu’ur and […]

Pingback by S’Trumpet « Central Snark

What in the wide world of Ewoks is going on here? Strange days indeed.

Comment by Lampsha

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: