INSIDE THE EWOK’S STUDIO

INSIDE THE EWOK’S STUDIO by Snuppy

Thursday, 11 October 2007, 8:22am
Filed under: funny...

These are dark days indeed. There seems to be a fierce competition for ruler of The Snarkdom — perhaps even the Blogosphere itself — between forces beyond our control. The first showed up recently at MattressPolice.com and has been doing Diesel’s bidding (referring to him as his Lord and Master), proclaiming that he would even stamp out the evil meme in our time. Read more on his mission HERE. He goes by Grundir the Implacable, and is a Nazgul who until recently was employed by the Dark Lord Sauron on a mission to retrieve a certain magical ring. As if his arrival didn’t leave a growing unease in the air, right on his heels (well if he had heels, it would be right on them) along comes Kalfu’ur, Dauntless One, a Wookie and well, read up on him HERE, who seems to be serving a master of his own a/k/a Joel of Crummy Church Signs.

With the tensions mounting between Grundir and Kalfu’ur, the journalist in me (hey, everyone else is taking different forms) thought that a frank discussion might forge an understanding of one another. With me so far? What follows is a partial transcript from our interview. Judge for yourself the results.

Lampsha: Let’s get started boys – whose weapon is more lethal?

Kalfu’ur: Bowcaster and broadsword cause equal damage. Bowcaster has advantage of being useful from distance. Broadsword has disadvantage of being useless if user is too much of sissy to pick it up and swing it.

Grundir: I find it remarkable that despite the supposed technological superiority of Kalfu’ur’s galaxy, the best he can offer is a “bowcaster.” In a fair fight, I would put my silver on a troll with a boulder. As for me, I use a Morgul blade, which can turn its victim into an undead wraith with one touch. Bowcaster. Bah!

Kalfu’ur: Remind Kalfu’ur again why “undead” preferable to “dead”?

Lampsha: Allright, that broke the ice. Let’s see then – whose morning beauty regimen is quicker?

Kalfu’ur: Not so much beauty as hygiene. Mostly picking fleas out of fur. 10 minutes every morning. Unless Kalfu’ur’s been hanging around or stalking Grundir. In which case flea removal takes 40 minutes

Grundir: I have no corporeal form, and therefore no need for hygiene. Also, beauty is repugnant to me. As are all furry, warm-blooded creatures with their shedding and foul smelling secretions. Bah!

Lampsha: Let’s try for the sensitive side. If you were a tree, what type would you be?

Kalfu’ur: Kalfu’ur would be mile high trees native to home planet Kashyyyk. Planet known as “layered deathtrap” because of trees. “Layered deathtrap” accurately describe Kalfu’ur, also…

Grundir: I would be the tree that slays all other trees with its deadly leaf blade, so that all that remains is a barren wasteland. And me, the Death Tree, standing tall amid the stench of death.

Kalfu’ur: “Leaf blade.” Finally sounds like weapon Grundir can handle.

Grundir: Fierce words from one who spends more time feigning capture than actually fighting. Wookies are like the Frenchmen of the Star Wars universe. No one can understand them, they smell like rotting feet, and they surrender to anything that moves.

Lampsha: Well, that worked well. This one is for Kalfu’ur – I’ve seen the first Star Wars ages ago (that bar scene was classic), what important things have I missed since?

Kalfu’ur: Republic established with Leia in charge of Galaxy. Married Han Solo. All went well for generation after generation until recently small band of tiny Ewok-like creatures brought down entire political infrastructure. Oh…wait….Kalfu’ur sorry…Kalfu’ur getting confused. That last part actually what happened in Grundir’s world.

Grundir: Small, furry creatures are the bane of great evil empires everywhere, it is true.

Lampsha: Hmm, just when I was considering a dog. Let’s move on while we’re in agreement here. Do either of you housesit?

Kalfu’ur: Kalfu’ur sat in houses for hours when stalking one of Kalfu’ur’s bounties. Patience hallmark of good bounty hunter.

Lampsha: You know what they say, “patience is a virtue….

Grundir: I despise your foolish mortal attempts to stave off your fear of impending death by building pathetic structures that you call “homes.” Nazgul spend our nights traversing the highways and byways, looking for innocents to slaughter. Occasionally we also stop at outlet malls.

Lampsha: Grundir, I think you’ll do fine here. Do you get along with domesticated animals?

Kalfu’ur: Kalfu’ur had pet ysalamir when small Wookie on Kashyyyk. Very sad day when “Nookums” got hit by speederbike.

Grundir: Yes, if by “domesticated” you mean “eviscerated.” I must add that hitting Nookums was an accident. The first three times. After that, I wanted only to silence the foul creature’s howls.

Lampsha: All of this talk of evisceration brings to mind the thought – what is your favorite food?

Kalfu’ur: Fried Bantha poodoo. Discovered on Tatooine. Must be prepared properly, though, or else just tastes like $#!tt.

Grundir: Your question enrages me! You know that I do not eat! And if I did, I would not eat fried bantha dung. It is much better sautéed in a nice wine sauce.

Lampsha: Let’s talk music then – favorite Beatle? Hint: the singing group, not the insect.

Kalfu’ur: The one with shaggy hair.

Grundir: Ring-o, of course.

Lamspha: Good one.

Kalfu’ur: Of course, Kaalfu’ur much prefer music of Electric Mayhem. Seems Kalfu’ur and band members have something in common, but cannot put paw on it.

Grundir: Get it, Ring-o. Because I like rings.

Lampsha: Right. That’s funny… What is your “situation”? Single? Looking?

Kalfu’ur: Kalfu’ur take it on run, baby. That the way Kalfu’ur want it, baby. Then Kalfu’ur not want them around. Kalfu’ur not believe it. Not for minute. When Kalfu’ur under the gun, Kalfu’ur take it on run.

Lampsha: I see, a commitment phobe.

Grundir: Again with your impudent questions regarding the carnal nature. Can you not see that I am but a dark essence who is doing everything it can just to fill out this cloak? I have not felt the pleasures of a woman for over 900 years! Ask again and taste my steel, wench! As for Kalfu-ur, I’m fairly certain that he is overly fond of Yorkshire terriers.

Lampsha: May I recommend J-Date?

Kalfu’ur: After 900 years, Kalfu’ur certain Grundir would give fistful of magic rings for one touch from warm tongue of Yorkshire Terrier.

Lampsha: fistful of wha…

Grundir: Ah, warm tongue…. Silence, impudent beast! I have no need of such comforts!

Lampsha: Wish we had more time. I’d like to thank you both for agreeing to talk with me. I think this is a lovely start of what will hopefully be an ongoing conversation. And after all, what’s so funny ’bout peace, love and understanding?

Snuppy, we’d like to encourage Andy’s continued recovery with the wishes that he’ll be swinging a leaf blade in no time himself. XOX

Collaboration of: Lampsha, Diesel and not-Crummy-at-all-Joel

PS: Take cover at Humor-blogs.com – another galaxy heard from!

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