Central Snark


Dear Crummy Neighbor (Part II) by crummyjoel
Tuesday, 30 October 2007, 7:38am
Filed under: crummy letters

Hi, neighbor.  You may recall that the last time I ranted in your direction, it was about the number, frequency, timing, and volume of the fireworks you were shooting off. I now come on bended knee, begging you to bring the fireworks back out of retirement.

But only, of course, if you point them directly at the enormous holidaythemed inflatable thingies that you insist on sticking in your front lawn. Please. Let’s light off a whole ream of bottle rockets right into the center of each and every one of them.

Don’t get me wrong: I love a good holiday. I’ve got a great costume planned for Halloween. I do not, however, feel the need to stick a 25-foot tall inflatable Frankenstein in my front lawn to celebrate the occasion. Have you ever tried to sleep in the shadow of a 25-foot Frankenstein? What am I saying: Of course you have, he’s in your yard. Here’s a better question: HOW THE HELL CAN YOU POSSIBLY GET ANY SLEEP IN THE SHADOW OF A 25-FOOT FRANKENSTEIN?!?

I’m sitting here leafing through my neighborhood by-laws. You realize that I can’t have a permanent basketball hoop attached to my garage because of “aesthetic reasons”? Yet these same bylaws allow you to employ a constant rotation of monstrous vinyl creations filled with more hot air than Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter combined?!? I might not feel the need for this letter if the madness were to end at Frankenstein. But no: he’ll quickly be followed up by a huge inflatable Turkey (or Pilgrim), then a gigantic Santa Claus (or Frosty the Snowman), then Cupid, then an Easter Bunny, then….heck, I don’t know…Queen Victoria or some such insanity. Somehow all that’s OK, but if I wanted to play one-on-one in my driveway I’m committing a violation?!?!

You might have noticed that my other neighbor’s house is up for sale. I saw a car full of real estate agents drive past yesterday pointing and laughing at the poor guy’s place while snapping pictures of Frankenstein. The driver nearly veered off the road, and I’m pretty sure the woman who was riding shotgun wet herself from laughing so hard. Your vinyl fetish has single-handedly demolished the entire real estate market in a 5-block radius. Somehow fresh coats of paint, new laminate hardwood flooring and stainless steel appliances are no matches for a glowing, undead zombie hovering menacingly above the neighborhood. Go figure.

Look, celebrate whatever holidays you want as enthusiastically as you want. Put up lights and banners and flags and streamers and give out candy and put out a landing strip for Santa and host an Easter Egg hunt and plant a tree on Arbor Day…whatever, that’s fine!! But certainly even you can see that something the size of the Goodyear Blimp just might encroach on the goodwill of the neighborhood (not to mention common sense) (and good taste).

If you don’t agree with me, might I suggest something? Perhaps you can put ALL of your hot air inflatables out at the same time, just to really tick me off. Make sure you tie one to each corner. Then tie a couple to your roof, just for good measure. That’ll show me.

Meanwhile I’ll be over here, praying for a stiff wind and some good luck.

CrummyJoel

PS: Humor-blogs.com wanted to point out that the inflatable you have to celebrate Labor Day is very inappropriate. It’s about workforce labor, not child birth.

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15 Comments so far
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A 25 foot Frankestein monster? There’s only one way that could be enjoyable: if some sort of Hindenburg/Wicker Man tragedy occurred tomorrow night.

Comment by Rickey Henderson

I’m familiar with those horrid assualts on good taste because certain people think that attched homes in Queens, NYC are appropriate places to display them as well. I mean, come on, whatever happened to a Jack-O-Lantern? Doesn’t anybody watch Martha Stewart anymore? Get out the bottle rockets, I say.

Although I am sorry to say Joel, that your long suffering battle with being a good neighbor to a bad one gets funnier and funnier.

Comment by Lampsha

I wish the dozen or so cars parked all over the lawns of the two houses west of us were inflatable. They’d look better and would probably be more road-worthy than some of what’s there. Inflatables are the epitome of tackiness, but at least they represent an attempt at meaningfulness by attaching themselves (like big mooshy limpets) to specific occasions. Perhaps a future letter could speculate on the possible meaning of a rusted-out Camino that hasn’t moved in 36 months.

Comment by bruce

The house where Macy’s parades go to die? Cool! I think the problem can be solved with three little words,” Lawn darts… ooops.”

I’ve got lots of other great ideas too… do you have access to dry ice or liquid nitrogen? Oh the fun you could have with those!!!

Oh, and thanks for acknowledging Victoria Day! Canada misses you.

Comment by I Dive At Night

I hate those things. The house across the street from my brother is a little insane for these inflatable demons. Halloween: spider on the roof, witch, pumpkin, ghost. Huuuuuuge inflatable pieces of “hi, I’m so beyond tacky” covering the house.

I walked into work one day and found an inflatable Santa…inside. My aunt is not quite all there.

Comment by littlebluepill

Am I ever glad that most people don’t celebrate Halloween over here…Oh, wait a minute, I’m one of the few who has decorations. Maybe they are thinking I am totally weird…but at least there’s nothing inflatable at my house.

Comment by Theresa

I believe a bb gun would solve your problem. Those things cost about a gazillion dollars too. Ah, the waste of money.

Comment by Nessa

Nessa you gave me a brilliant idea. I could go trick or treating as a cowgirl. Plop on my cowboy hat, steal the bb gun from my mom’s place then when my nephew is done trick or treating at the tackylicious house, I can pop their inflatables! Think I’ll get a prize? Or I could do it more covert with my walther ppk replica pellet gun. I could be James Bond!! Saaahweet!

Comment by littlebluepill

Good ideas, all. I still like my idea of the house floating away quietly (neighbors inside).

Comment by crummyjoel

Fortunately, I don’t have any neighbors with the blow-up doll fetish, but the ones who park in the street not just on their side, but on both sides of the road so that I have not much more than 6 inches of clearance on either side of my truck. Whats worse is when they stand in the middle of the street talking on their cellphones and look at me waiting for them to get out of the street like I’m in their way… they could die… or move… or be immobilized…

Comment by Brandon T. Milan

I don’t know about neighborhood law’s but it DEFINATELY violates the terms of MY CONTRACT!!!!!

Comment by Daisy!

Dude, your neighbors have nothing on the people who bought my wife’s childhood home. They used to make it into the newspaper because of their Halloween decorations. A few years back they staged a HELICOPTER CRASH in their front yard.

Comment by Diesel

As much as I hate inflatables, they are still good for a few laughs. A few years ago, someone drew my attention to what happens when everyone on the street installs inflatables and then the temperatures drop… I saw it with my own eyes in our neighborhood, looks completely like the aftermath of a drive-by shooting. The whole street was filled with dead Santas, snowmen, reindeer… priceless.
Last year, I also spotted a Christmas inflatable that, from a block away, looks exacly like Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo… turned out to be an igloo with a Christmas penguin (?? – whatever)popping out. My personal favorite.

Comment by Goldie

“exactly”. sorry bout the typo. need coffee.

Comment by Goldie

Not to mention the huge snowglobes that require a dirt devil plug-in to keep the fake snow blowing around.

So many times I have resisted the urge to go around town with a bb gun dropping people’s lawn inflatables like it was a duck shooting game at the carnival.

But this is reality so all I have is my imagination. There all of the inflatables have met a horrific death. 🙂

Comment by Chris C




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