Central Snark

Unidentified Flying Post by mattresspolice
Thursday, 1 November 2007, 10:37am
Filed under: funny..., Pop! goes the Diesel

So I get home from taking the kids to their Halloween shindig last night and I see an email from the shapely and brilliant Lady Lampsha asking whether I can do a post for today. And I was like, hey, sure, because it’s not like I have to do a post for my own site or prepare for a meeting with these guys in the morning or anything.

Then I run across this item about how Dennis Kucinich once saw a UFO at Shirley MacLaine’s house, which prompts the question, “What is it with Dennis Kucinich and hot redheads?” I mean, I’m starting to think this guy really does know something the rest of us don’t. I mean, besides how to make a tin foil hat. And yes, Shirley MacLaine was cute once, about six lives ago.

Of course, this is going to make great fodder for talk show hosts and comedians, who are known for their ability to identify every flying object they’ve ever seen. Actually, I think you have to have some kind of mental disorder to claim to never have seen an unidentified flying object. I mean, haven’t you ever felt something whizz past your head and thought, “What the hell was that?” That, my friends, was an unidentified flying object. Or maybe a june bug.

I can’t identify three quarters of the flying stuff I see. I mean, I’m pretty sure that a lot of them are planes, and the quieter planes tend to be birds. And the smaller birds are usually insects. But the odds that I can tell you what kind of airplane or bird or insect it is are usually pretty slim.

In any case, I really did see an actual UFO once, by which I mean something that I’m pretty sure wasn’t a bird, plane, insect or Dennis Kucinich. It was shaped like a profile of the planet Saturn — a circular shape with a ring around it. Except, unlike Saturn, it was orange. At least, I don’t think Saturn is orange. I’ve never been there.

I was nine years old when I saw it. I was letting our cat out. Or maybe in. It’s not really important where the cat was. I opened the door and saw this orange thing in the air, moving around crazily in the sky. It looked like something that was being projected on a screen, except that it was in the sky above our garage, where I’m pretty sure there wasn’t any kind of screen. I’m not very observant, but I’m fairly certain we never had a movie screen above our garage.

Kucinich said that when he saw his UFO, he โ€œfelt a connection in his heart and heard directions in his mind.โ€ When I saw my UFO I felt confused for a while, and then bored — which is, coincidentally, how I feel whenever I hear Dennis Kucinich speak. It zoomed around for a while for no apparent reason (the UFO, not Kucinich), and eventually I got tired of the pointless alien spaceship maneuvers and went inside. I never saw it again.

It’s true that I make up a lot of wacky stuff for these blog posts, but I swear I’m not making this up. I really did see a weird orange thing flying around in the sky. So I ask you, does this mean I’m insane, or unqualified to be president? Of course not. Does it mean I’m sane, or qualified to be president? Probably not.

My point, if I had one, would be that seeing a UFO doesn’t make one insane — although this stuff about Kucinich hearing directions in his mind has me a little scared. I mean, what did they tell him exactly? And why won’t he tell us? Sounds a little fishy to me. Come to think of it, though, somebody must have told him that hot redhead thing.

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Humor-blogs.com!


17 Comments so far
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would you think less of me if i told you i, too, have seen a UFO (3 actually)? well i did, alongside my sister, dad, and other various family members, whilst visiting relatives in Donora, PA (where my step-father grew up). and yes, it was, um, erie (no city of Pennsylvania pun intended).

also thinking this post definitely “qualifies” as a Sex, Ed? offering, what with Kucinich’s hot redheaded wife, and all — or FLILF, as Jason Jones called her in a recent report for the Daily Show. just saying…. she’s pretty damn hot, and then some. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Comment by snuppy

oh, and THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU, kind and wonderful and talented Google-master, Diesel. i know how busy you are these days, so it goes without saying i appreciated the efforts and lengths you went to in order to provide fodder for this blog. fodder, i hasten to add, i “saved” for another day in order to do a Rabbit, rabbit post, but that’s beside the point. the point — which will be beamed aboard the next saucer that flies overhead, is that this post is hilarious and i’m eternally grateful to you for writing it, in the first place. xox

Comment by snuppy

You’re right, it’s not important where the cat is, only if it’s alive or dead. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Comment by Theresa

pay no attention to the fact that another post that was here is no longer here, or that the post that WAS here — then disappeared — is STILL here. oy. don’t ask, don’t tell. that’s my story, and i’m stickin’ to it. (i made a booboo, then i fixed it — pretty sure that’s all anyone needs to know) ๐Ÿ™„

Comment by snuppy

Hmmm, so you don’t think being exposed to this flying orange ring thing had anything to do with what happened to your brain?

Comment by Jeff

Wah, wah, wah – which G did you come through for first?! That’s right – take that G–g-e.

I think I saw a UFO once or at least my sister kind of talked me into one in the sky. My memory is a bit fuzzy in the details so I’ll defer to you and Kucinich and Snuppy on the matter.

Comment by Lampsha

I think it’s fairly obvious that the hot redheads are aliens helping Kucinich in his world-domination plan.

Comment by the frogster

I once did one of those internet survey thingies where you put in your answers to about 100 various questions about how you feel politically, and then it tells you which political candidate you should support.

Mine said Dennis Kucinich, and I’ve never filled out another internet survey again.

Comment by CrummyJoel

[…] Central Snark dishes on Dennis Kucinich, UFOs and Shirley MacLaine. According to the Comedy Bible, the funniest of three things should be last but I couldn’t decide so I picked out of a hat. […]

Pingback by Get Incensed » Blog Archive » The Friday [3x = 13 + 5]

Snuppy – 3 UFOS? Wow, you are nuts. The cutoff is 2 and a half.

Theresa – I’m still checking with Schrodinger on that.

Jeff – Maybe, but it was probably the LSD that I took 20 minutes earlier.

Lampsha – Did your sister tell you that the UFO said to give her all your Halloween candy? Because then I’d be suspicious.

Frogster – And how’s that going for them?

CrummyJoel – I love those surveys, because even if they were accurate, they are predicated on the notion that you should pick your candidate solely on his/her positions, rather than factors such as whether he/she is an axe-wielding psychopath. Following their logic, my ideal candidate would be… me. I mean, I have no experience and I’m completely emotionally unsuited to the job, but hey, I agree with all of my opinions!

Comment by Diesel

BTW, you can tell I wrote this in a hurry because of the number of times I used the phrase “I mean….” It’s sort of a verbal tic of mine. Usually I edit out ever other one.

Comment by Diesel

I mean, every other one. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Comment by Diesel

He stabbed a ginormous knife into the barely beating heart of his campaign with that bit of silliness.
And my sister once tried to convince me that there was the ghost of a civil war soldier in our closet.
I didn’t believe her…

Comment by Claire

I never trust people with the first name Dennis, your just asking for trouble if you do. I saw a bowl once, and my mind was like ‘yeah’ and my heart was like ‘what’. And I was like ‘cool’.

Comment by Pope Terry

[…] Saturday November 03rd 2007, 7:37am Filed under: Lampsha Spins If anybody happens to see an Unidentified Flying Object, it may very well be my post that seems to have […]

Pingback by SATURDAY SPIN « Central Snark

the directions given, were the shortest distance from present position to next available red-head.I think it is pretty clear…and from the focus on teh red…we definitely know they weren’t Marsians ๐Ÿ™‚

“It doesn’t matter where the cat was”, was hilarious!

Comment by Penguin

I had heard the story about Kucinich and the UFO, but I didn’t know it was at Shirley MacLaine’s house. I have never seen a UFO. It would be cool. I HAVE spoken to Dennis Kucinich, though, during the time he was between jobs and before the hot red head. He was cool. And I am wondering, perhaps the cat wanted out to see the UFO, too?

Comment by Rebecca

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