Central Snark

Dear Crummy… by Snuppy
Tuesday, 13 November 2007, 10:57am
Filed under: funny...

boo hooD’OH! We know you’ve all come here today expecting to find yet, another, in a series of, clever posts from our good and not-in-the-least-bit-crummy CRUMMY JOEL, but guess what? He’s not here. Nope. Not. Here. Apparently he thinks it’s more important to: A) get over his crummy cold, B) ship out his crummy books, C) move into his crummy new house that, as it turns out did NOT burn down, D) all of the above. The answer, of course, is E) spend the rest of the week attempting to buy back all the crummy University of Michigan’s Wolverine memorabilia he sold on eBay during the first 3 weeks of college football season, when it looked like his team had been taken over by a bunch of loser Aliens.

WHATEVER his reasons, the point, for we had a one before it disappeared when our brain exploded, is that Joel, Crummy and/or otherwise, isn’t here. Which means we are. Which means we’ve decided to take this opportunity to do a little crummy ranting of our own. Fasten your seat belts everyone, it’s gonna be a grumpy ride:


car wreckDEAR Crummy Dumbfuck Who Almost Killed Our Son,

GOLLY, has it already been nearly 6 weeks since that accident? Time sure flies when you’re sitting in the Pits of Insurance Hell with a kid sporting a broken back.

FIRST and foremost, thank you so much for calling us up on that fateful morning the 4th of October at 5:30 in order to tell us of your Unfortunate Automobile-related Mishap in Downtown Manhattan. Knowing you and our boy had already been in the Emergency Room for almost 2 hours in no way caused us to be suspicious about our son’s injuries, so your words “he’s fine” really rang true. As did “he was driving” (your mantra for the first 3 days), despite the fact your car has a stick shift, and our son could no more handle one of those than he could avoid getting into the vehicle with you in the first place. But more on that in a minute.

IT was no surprise to find out you’d scored a 1540 on your SATs, for only a genius would decide to drive to NYC late at night, inebriated. So what if you’d already been arrested for a DUI the month before? Laws be damned, what are the cops gonna do to a beautiful 19-year old kid who suffers from a slight case of ADD, eh? What’s that? You say you didn’t think about that until after you’d pulled out from the WRONG direction of a one-way street into a busy intersection, where your brand-new Jetta was t-boned by a speeding cab? Is that the reason you pulled our child, in shock from the impact, out of the car, then tried to drag his limp body across the pavement in order to place him in the driver’s seat? And is that why you then told anyone within earshot he, not you, was driving in the first place? Or why you refused to let anyone look at your own injuries at the hospital until we arrived and forced a doctor to attend to you? Yeah, that seat-belt bruise was a bit of a give-away, what with the fact it went from your left shoulder to your right hip, and all. Still, a smart kid like you is nothing, if not a “good” liar, so we did our best to give you the benefit of the doubt.

THAT said, we almost laughed in your face the day we confronted you with the “truth”, a term you’ve no doubt heard, but rarely practice. “Andy was definitely driving the car. He was the driver. It was definitely not me.” Ri-i-i-ight. That didn’t fly with us anymore than it flew with the insurance companies. Remember them? The ones who will have to dole out close to $100,000 for our son’s injuries when all is said and done?

WE thought your expression when we said we knew you were lying was worth the price of our son’s hospital-issue elevated toilet seat, the one he’ll be using for the next 6 months or so, because he can’t bend down. Still, we knew you were relieved to have everything out in the open, and gave you a point or two for coming “clean”. Of course, it would have been hard to do anything else, since our son had already spilled the beans. Nevertheless, you admitted your culpability, and that was a very good start. Another good move will come when you finally contact the officer who investigated the accident, since his report reflects the Big Lie, which means, as of now, our son, not you, is liable for a lawsuit. Hilarious, no?

LYING Dumbfuck — may we call you that? we’re guessing your dad did when he kicked you out of the house — normally we’re not given to angry rants and/or raves, but in your case, we’re willing to make an exception. Mostly because we’re completely outraged by your incomprehensible behavior. Seriously, if getting tossed out of college after being arrested 4 times for drunkenness and possession in the first semester, a DUI a week after you got home, and an accident involving 5 cars one month later weren’t good enough “clues” that you have a life-threatening problem, the fact you were arrested for Disorderly Conduct 2 weeks ago should have been. All this to say…you need help.

NOW, we know you’re excited by the idea of jetting off to Colorado, where you’ll be working as a ski instructor for one of your brother’s wealthy friends, but we’d like to suggest you turn that opportunity down and attend to a few of your issues, instead. We believe you suffer from a condition many young, bored, rich alcoholics have, a little something called a Death Wish. chain gangPerhaps you’re familiar with that term, perhaps not. Either way we have no doubt Death will soon come a’knocking on your door if you don’t get your scrawny irresponsible ass in rehab, ASAP. Otherwise, don’t be surprised to find yourself one day sharing a tiny-yet-filthy prison cell with a murderous gang-banger, who thinks you have a purdy mouth and likes to be called “Daddy”.


Buy a copy of Crummy Joel’s book and/or get drunk on laughter at Humor-blogs.com.


25 Comments so far
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what can i say? apparently i’m still kind of pissed off at this kid. or, should i say, Dumbfuck. not that he’s “bad”, mind you, just arrogant and, yes, stupid. and call me crazy, but is it fair that he gets to go off and become a World Class Ski Bum while our own son struggles to regain the use of his legs? oy. πŸ™„

Comment by snuppy

Gulp & yikes! This rivals the lecture given the snotty nosed high school punk who threw the snowball that hit your car. Well said Snups…today would be a good day for that troll of a UPS guy to make a delivery to our door. You know, the dog hater? One small correction if I may (if I dare)…it’s the University of Michigan Wolverines and the Michigan State Spartans. Rock on babe!

Comment by BoBo

So much better than any crummy letter I could have done this week.

Comment by CrummyJoel

Wow, as in holy crap and stuff like that. Maybe he’ll get drunk on the slopes and end up being a giant snowball that won’t be found until spring – the Shit.

Comment by Nessa

BoBo: guess i’ve been harboring some ill will towards our son’s “friend” after all. and don’t think i didn’t consider going into that whole “my dad chased me with a knife and my mom has cancer so you can’t call them because they’ve disowned me despite the fact i get to go to Colorado next week” because i did. oh, and thanks for the head’s up — i have duly noted/fixed the school name, and am grateful Joel didn’t come along and bitch ME out for making such an egregious mistake! πŸ™„

Crummy(not)Joel: NO WAY, JOSΓ‰L, pretty sure YOUR post would have been a hell of a lot more amusing! get well/have fun with that move/sell lots of books and/or good luck getting back that memorabilia. πŸ˜‰

Nessa: honestly, the kid responsible for our son’s woes seems to be a genuinely nice guy. misdirected and/or delusional, but nice. i hope he DOES get help, because i think he needs it. 😐

Comment by snuppy

What’s the antithessis of crummy? Cromulent?

Comment by Rickey Henderson

SHIT I had no clue! How you controlled the urge to grab a metal rod and beat that piece of shit on the spine, so he can feel it and feeeeel it gooood, is beyond me and just goes to show how amazing you are my dearest amiga! The fact that he even dared move Andy to begin with had me in shock and the rest…

Thank goodness Andy survived it all and is as well as it is because yes, though his injuries are very serious, with a #$%*$^)&Q@$&*$ for a “friend” by his side, running interference, it could have been so much worse.

Back to the subject of beatings now…

Comment by Miz BoheMia

Poor Andy!!!!! I’m speechless!

Comment by cj

Yes, the more I think about this letter, the more amazed I am at the grace you showed through the entire situation.

Holy &^%$ what a tool.

Comment by CrummyJoel

Well said, Snuppy. It’s a good thing I’m not a cop because things like this would make me want to shoot first and ask questions later. I know that’s not a very tolerant or noble thing to say, but I know this about myself and don’t plan to enter law enforcement any time soon.

Glad he’s okay (for a given definition of okay).

Comment by the frogster

Rickey: actually, i think it’s Crumbulent, but i could be wrong. πŸ˜‰

Miz B: sΓ­ sΓ­, amiga, ’twas an ordeal and/or shocker, to be sure. it’s been very interesting to watch how things have unfolded over the past few weeks, even as we attempt to keep the billers at bay whilst sorting through the “mess” we call “insurance claims” (truth be told, BoBo’s the one who shouldered this weighty responsibility so i could attend to my sister. that man is a saint, a saint, i tell ya, a saint! πŸ™‚

CJ: kind of how i was when this first happened. ah well, eventually we’ll get it all worked out. at least that’s what we keep telling ourselves. πŸ™„

Crummy Joel: if and WHEN you have kids, i’ll give you the same advice i gave Diesel: do NOT, under any circumstance, allow them to have friends. because no matter how much you want them to find “good” ones, chances are very good a few will be complete jerks. just sayin’… πŸ™‚

Frogster: as frustrated and disappointed as i’ve been, of late, i continue to believe in Karma. meaning i know that what “goes around” “comes around” — Andy’s friend may be able to wriggle out of this mess, but i’m quite certain his shit will once day catch up with him. especially if he doesn’t start making some substantial changes in his life rightthisminute. like i said, he may be “smart”, but in my book, that’s another way for saying he’s an “arrogant, over-privileged dumbfuck”. end of discussion. πŸ˜‰

Comment by snuppy

Y’know, Neva, Quilly and I have been marveling at the people out here on the leeward side of O`ahu. The ones who are open and friendly and honest and live on the beach ’cause they work full time at jobs that don’t let them earn half of what the rents are these days. And then we go to Waikiki, where the fancy college students will kick the disabled out of the seats at the front of the bus. When they deign to ride the bus.

I know there are mean ‘n nasty poor kids, and rich ones who are the proverbial salt of the earth.

Prayers for healing, all around.

Comment by oceallaigh

O’C: thanks for those good wishes. as for the propensities of today’s youth? oh, ain’t it the truth — i mean, as you and Quilly have witnessed, some of those “entitled” youngsters are somethin’ else. we adhered to the “spare the rod” philosophy in rearing our kids — that said, there are times when i’m convinced a little smack on the rump would have prevented other problems down the road. too late now, i suppose. altho’, come to think of it, our son’s broken back has slowed him down a hell of a lot more than any “punishment” we might have given him when he was younger. πŸ˜‰

Comment by snuppy

Forget the fact that moving Andy after the accident could have paralyzed him for life, how stupid is this kid to think he could have lied his way out of it? Arrrggg! This pisses me off royally and it didn’t even happen to my kid. And why is going skiing in CO? Shouldn’t he be locked up or something?

Comment by Jeff

this just keeps gettign worse. What an imbecile…and I am sorry, but I feel somebody needs to have a word or two with his parents as well. teenagers are stupid*looks back a few years* granted, but his repetitive insufferable behavior clearly indictes that he’s missed a few slaps and house arrests away.
I feel a trip to the army will sort him out good and nice and if that doesn’t work, I think he shoudl move to Texas!
This is a horrible thing to happen to Andy, that he is as good as he is is somewhat of a miracle…I hope this made Andy realize some things as well!

Comment by Penguin

Jeff: we only get really pissed if we think about it for too long. still… our son was stupid enough to get in the passenger side of that car, so i suppose he deserves some of our anger. altho’ i’d have preferred to toss him out of the house for a couple of days, rather than see him wracked with pain. oh, but i’m happy to report Andy’s “friend” won’t be tripping off to CO right away, it seems his earlier arrest has caught up with his sorry ass — and he has to stick around in order to go to court. gee… i feel so bad. πŸ˜•

Penguin: believe me when i tell you i’m thisclose to calling his mom. honestly, i’m shocked and chagrined to no end by the fact she’s not yet called US. i mean, their boy’s reckless behavior put OUR son in the hospital (and forced him into months and months of rehab) and they can’t pick up the phone in order to see how he’s doing?? what’s up with that? i don’t get it, i really don’t. but maybe that’s just me and my own misguided sense of responsibility, eh? oy. (actually, we’re kind of wondering if they know the full story — i’m not referring to this boy as a “lying dumbfuck” for nothing) πŸ™„

Comment by snuppy

EGAD. And Dumbfuck dragged your son out of the car, when his back was broken…no words for that. He’d bring further harm to your son to save himself from more legal trouble. It’s hard to believe that he hasn’t been ordered to go into rehab, or done any time, yet. He will.
Best vibes to Andy! This is really a big interruption in his life.

Comment by actonbell

The kid’s mom is probably buried in denial with her head so far down the sandy hole that she can’t see how to dial the phone. I’m appalled at the poor choices and wrong thinking of said kid. I mean, really? Who doesn’t know that moving an injured person can KILL someone for crying out loud? WOW. Trying to stay balanced with karma, love and forgiveness, and downright mad rage over your son’s terrible injury must completely roll you out with a steam roller. And those insurance companies… man alive, I’m not even gonna start.

HUGS – and I’m glad you got to rant it out a bit.

Comment by Terry

Yikes, and I got angry over a few lousy bounced paychecks. Well, hell, I say get their attention with a lawsuit. I don’t normally think lawyering-up is a good idea, but if there were ever a case where it would absolutely be the ok thing to do, this is it. No doubt the dumbfuck DID make Andy’s back injury Worse by moving him. Not to mention his DUI history. This little mofo is seriously an alcoholic and he is by no means ‘nice’ nor is his ridiculous denial-ridden family. Grrr x100!

Comment by claire

My God, I am shocked! How could anyone do that? This guy should be in jail right now instead of bumming around the ski slopes -isn’t there any justice in this world? I admire you for handling this in such a civilized way, because I would have gone and tried to beat the shit out of him (and I am normally the most non-violent person you could ever meet).

Comment by Theresa

Actonbell: such is the arrogance of youth — especially a “youth” in possession of such a “big brain”. after the accident i told him it didn’t matter HOW smart he was, for homeless shelters are full of folks capable of scoring well on their SATS. i hold out hope he’ll get his act together before he kills himself or, even worse, someone else. and, yeah, pulling Andy out of the car was an act of supreme idiocy. the good news is that the accident has caused Andy to take stock in his own life — something he needed to do, big time. πŸ˜‰

Terry: his mother is a teacher who immigrated to the states 20 years ago. his father is also an immigrant, who carved out a nice living as a radiologist once he got here. apparently he suffers from serious anger issues, which probably helps to explain his son’s poorly developed sense of self-esteem. still… there’s no justification for allowing his son to continue driving after proving himself to be such a risk. as for the insurance companies? i know you’re familiar with those “joys” — to say it’s been no fun is an understatement (which is why i’m eternally grateful to my sweet husband for shouldering those weighty responsibilities!) i DO believe in karma, and suspect Andy’s friend will get what’s coming one day in the not too distant future. thinking his first taste came when he found out he couldn’t go to Colorado, after all… πŸ˜‰

Claire: we’re not especially litigious — tho’ don’t think we won’t consider it if that kid’s insurance doesn’t come through with his fair share of the expenses (New York is a “no fault” state). we figure the parents threw their son out of the house for the express purposes of dissuading us from taking any legal action — besides, they still have to pay his legal fees for that DUI. now that his court date’s been set, it will be very interesting to see what happens… i’ll keep ya posted. πŸ˜‰

Theresa: like you, i am an extremely non-violent person. besides, at first i was too flabbergasted to be angry, let alone pitch a fit. but the more i think about it, the more disturbing it becomes. still, i think there’s hope for this boy, and it’s my fervent wish that this episode — along with his new legal problems — will be enough to force him to take action that will improve his behavior and, ultimately, his life. otherwise, i WILL hunt him down, and yes, beat his sorry ass to a pulp. (not really, ‘cuz i truly am a bit of a Pollyanna. still, it’s a nice thought!) πŸ˜‰

Comment by snuppy

This was a delightfully cromulent post. Remind me NOT to break the back of anyone in your immediate family. I hope you get everything sorted out with Lying Dumbfuck.

Comment by Diesel

What a cowardly little shit.

Oh sure it was funny on the Simpsons when Homer drove drunk then put a drunk Marge in the driver’s seat but that’s the Simpsons. This Dumbfuck deserves an ass kicking or maybe a broken back too. You don’t do that to your friends or anyone. Cowardly little shit.

And good luck to Andy. Happy healing.

Comment by littlebluepill

Uh, this was an amazing post. While
it’s a totally horrible shitty gross
situation to be in, the post was great

One question: was that 1540 on the old
SATs? Or the new ones? Cos if it was
on the new one he’s as stupid test wise
as he is…..

Comment by pia

Diesel: as of yesterday, i’m happy to report, we seem to be WELL on our way to doing just that. what can i say? the kid’s mom finally stopped by, and she’s truly lovely. and very worried about the direction her son seems to be headed. that said, the Truth, as New Englanders like to say, is in the Pudding, so time will tell. and yeah, you may think your wife can get snippy, but mess with me and you’ll find out what “snippy” really means! πŸ˜‰

LBP: i LOVED that episode! almost as much as the one in which Barney takes Homer’s car on a little “adventure” and leaves it in the middle of NYC! d’oh! as for Andy’s friend… we can chalk up some of his poor behavior to youth — and some to impulsivity. the rest, however, is pure unadulterated shithead. πŸ˜‰

Pia: awwww *blush* that’s high praise coming from a genuinely gifted writer like you! i didn’t realize the SAT scoring had changed, thanks to you and Google, i now do! that said, this boy is actually scary-smart — probably why he keeps getting himself into trouble. tough to channel all that intellectual energy when self-medicating with booze. hopefully he’ll “find” himself, before something puts him in a hospital bed for an extended amount of time, or worse, he lands in jail for more than just one night. πŸ™„

Comment by snuppy

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