Central Snark


New Year’s Reso-loser-tions by Harmonica Man
Monday, 31 December 2007, 10:00am
Filed under: Cloudman, holidays

jeffav1.jpgI resolve to not make any stupid resolutions for 2008.

There. Done. Bam!

Ok, this is probably going to come off just a little negative, but I can’t honestly say I’ve ever met anyone who has kept a major new year’s resolution commitment. And you wanna know why? Easy. It’s because most people pick things that are too insanely impossible in the first place.

Oh right…
“I currently chain-smoke 3 packs a day but I’m going to quit smoking cold turkey on Tuesday.”
“I’m going to train all winter and run my first marathon this spring!”
I’M going to eat nothing but organic vegetables grown within 2 miles of my house!”

Shut up. Just shut up. You’ll never last a week and you’ll be more miserable for trying when you fail. So why even bother?

I say if you HAVE to make a resolution – which you don’t – then make it something you can actually follow through on.

For example – stop picking your nose in your car at intersections. Or start leaving money in the basket for the donuts you eat at church on Sunday. Or give up watching SpongeBob SquarePants for the first 4 hours of every Saturday (ok, that one’s not as easy as it sounds). Little things like that. Little things that make you feel good about yourself. Little things that make you say “Hey – I’m not a total loser!”

So that’s my advice to you as this new year rolls on in. Keep it easy, keep it light, and most of all keep it to yourself. Because I really don’t want to have to pretend I’m going to support you in your unrealistic attempt to better yourself when I know you’re not going to last past January 2nd in the first place. But that’s only because years ago I vowed to be the most open and honest person I can be at all times. See, the good resolutions DO stick!

And now on a related note, I’m going to leave you with a little pencil sketch I made when I was touring as a mere youngster on the road – just after I had returned from playing some small islands in the South Pacific with the USO. I guess I was fascinated by the concept of desert islands at the time and the thought of being stranded on one was on my mind. Of course I’ve updated the caption to reference this next year instead.

newyear20081.jpg

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you have a fabulous and resolution-free holiday!

~ Jeff

The ONLY resolution you should make is to stop by Humor-blogs.com!



SATURDAY SPIN by Snuppy
Saturday, 29 December 2007, 9:33am
Filed under: Lampsha Spins

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I really do wish I had the time to devote to a proper year end post.  You know, expertly toss off my TopTen and point out a few faves from this past year right here in our own little corner of the Blogosphere.  But that would require being prepared for class today. 

I will however just jump on NPR’s band-wagon and feature some of their year end best-ofs.  Some music I have featured, some I’ve been meaning to and some that I eventually will.  So let’s roll em: 

 Listeners’ Picks from All Songs Considered:  The People Have Voted

The Year in Review from All Songs Considered:  According to the reviewers at All Songs Considered – a review of music from the past year (not all glowing).

Songs of the Year/2007 Best Music:  Their picks for Best

It is the end of the year and I feel that I should have something profound to wrap up the year, or should I?

CHUCK PROPHET really deserves a proper spin of his own as he is fast becoming one of my faves of 2007.  But since we’re priming up for New Years (which is oh so rockin – not, in the Lampsha Household), I thought something to kick it off would be nice and so here’s Chuck:

Above song is Freckle Song from Chuck’s release Soap and Water.  You can hear a few more tunes over on his MySpace and check out more about him at Chuck Prophet.com

So a year’s gone by in the blink of an eye, and a few spins later here I am wishing you all a Happy New Year.  I hope it brings good health, success and happiness to all.  If those things elude you, meet me here next Saturday.  Happy New Year!

~ DJ LAMPSHA

PS:  Somebody’s balls are dropping at Humor-blogs.com



That’s What She Said… by Snuppy
Friday, 28 December 2007, 10:17am
Filed under: funny..., lists, Sex, Ed?

ma kettleEVERY stinking time we hear (and/or say) that line we totally crack up. Because, let’s face it, one can put a “sexual” spin on just about any phrase. Unfortunately, this post has nothing to do with spins — sexual or otherwise* — for we’re guessing NO one wants to take a ride on the Dirty Sex Express after viewing Waldo’s wrinkled wares, yesterday, but that’s beside the point. The point, which almost made us blind when we saw it dangling between Waldo’s skinny legs, is that women say stupid shit leading things all the time. Naturally and/or (apparently) confusingly, what a woman wants and what comes out of her mouth aren’t always the same thing. (that’s what he said) At least that’s what one of our friends told us — the same friend who insists upon sending us silliness after silliness via e-mail.**. What? You didn’t think we ever bothered to read our Many and Often Annoying Electronic Messages? Well listen up — despite our reticence to answer everyone’s notes, we actually DO check our in-box from time to time, just to make sure it’s still working. (that’s what she said)

What She Says v. What She Means

(a tutorial for Men)

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she’s getting dressed, this means a half an hour. If she’s shopping, it means 3 hours. “Five minutes” is only 5 minutes if you’ve been given time to watch the game before cleaning out the garage and/or doing the dishes.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. “Nothing” means “f*cking huge and/or horrific”. Interestingly, arguments that begin with “nothing” often end in “fine”.

4. Go ahead and/or Do it: Both are dares, NOT words of permission. Do Not, under any circumstances, “go ahead” and/or “do it”.

5. Loud sigh: Not so much a “word” as a non-verbal statement frequently misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you’re an idiot and wonders why she’s wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about “nothing”. [see #3]

6. That’s OK: This phrase is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. “That’s OK” means she wants to think long and hard (heh) before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. Because you will pay for your mistake. Oh yes, you. will. pay.

7. Whatever: This is a woman’s way of saying “fuck you”.

8. Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, which loosely translated means: “Are you deaf, dumb… and blind? Do you want me to break a nail? Mother was right, you are an idiot.” This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response, refer back to #3.

9. I’ll think about it: Not in this lifetime, asshole.

And, finally…

10. Does this make me look fat?: Only a complete moron with a death wish would actually answer this question. Trust us, she doesn’t want to know if “this” makes her look “fat”, she wants to know if you’re still attracted to her. And not in a way that means she’s horny, so forget taking off your pants when you tell her she looks “nice”.

NOW we know what you’re thinking (those of you currently scratching your heads and/or balls, depending upon your “equipment”): is there a reason women process information differently from men? According to the following (completely hilarious) clip, there is:

AS always, we feel obliged to mention who’s behind the material we’re sharing. (that’s what he said) In this case, the sketch is the brainchild of British comedian, HARRY ENFIELD, a man, far as we can tell, who’s utterly hilarious from top to bottom. (that’s what she said)

~snuppy

Yes, you idiot, the girls are funny on HUMOR-BLOGS.COM.

*Speaking of spins (which we were) DJ LAMPSHA will surely come to the rescue with another Award Winning Spin, tomorrow, Shirley.

**Once we finally DID read our e-mail, we found a note from our favorite bloggoddess, MIZ BOHEMIA, who, as it happens, has a new post up for your enjoyment and/or perusal. Ours, too. Oh, and take your time, she’s not known for brevity, but, well worth the time/effort it takes to read her many words and/or watch her in glorious action! 😉

 



Warm Fuzzy Wishes… by Snuppy
Thursday, 27 December 2007, 9:23am
Filed under: funny..., holidays

WISH YOU WERE HERE!!!

Happy Holidays

Family Reunion in the Bahamas: $5,000

Memorable Christmas cards featuring Reunion Photo: $100

Stamps for sending Reunion Photo Christmas Card to everyone: $82

NOT noticing sunbather over Cousin Dodie’s left shoulder:

~PRICELESS~

~snuppy

PS: Since this is a “family(ish)” blog, we elected to spare you all the nuts and/or bolts of this charming (real) holiday greeting. That being said, we naturally wouldn’t want to deny anyone the opportunity to check out Waldo, the wanton sun-worshipper in the privacy of their own office and/or bathroom, if they so desired — which is why we included a link to the full picture, accessible by one click of the mouse (the one next to your computer and/or in your pocket, depending upon your persuasion).

Franks ‘n beans are on the menu at HUMOR-BLOGS.COM.



Holiday Greetings by Snuppy
Wednesday, 26 December 2007, 9:54am
Filed under: funny..., holidays

suicidal snowmanCALL us crazy, but we think this may be the BEST Christmas card, ever. And we’re not just saying that because A) it was sent to us via e-mail by our beloved cane-totin’ son, in lieu of giving us an Actual Card and/or Gift, B) speaking of gifts, we have many (from people who are NOT our son) we need to exchange, and are freaking out at thoughts of attempting to do so on the Busiest Freakin’ Shopping Day of the Whole Freakin’ Year, C) it’s Boxing Day in Canada, which means, uh, something, D) following 38 back-to-back viewings of our Favorite Christmas Movie, we want to shoot our eye out, and D) we ate so much Delicious Holiday Food for dinner last night we almost puked.

ALSO, we never quite got around to mailing out any of our Actual Christmas Cards to any of our Actual Friends, of which there are very few. And we’re not talking about the folks who saw fit to send US Actual Christmas Cards, like, say, our Landscape Service People, the Staff at Starbucks, and/or Lenny, the Bug Guy. These people are quite nice and certainly appreciate our business, but we know what a “friend” is, and Lenny? Just because we’ve listened to you ramble about that “girlfriend” you’ve been stalking and/or your “issues” with her need for “time off” (it’s been 2 years Lenny, let it go) don’t think for one minute we consider you a “friend”. You creep us out, Lenny, and we think you know that — or you will the moment you pull off those “if I can get her alone for a few weeks I know I can make her love me” blinders. But, as too often happens when we’re wondering how to get Lenny out of our lives and/or bending over the toilet in order to relieve ourselves of too much figgy pudding, we digress. We were telling you about the cards we didn’t mail, which are currently stacked neatly on the counter, next to all the gifts we plan to list on ebay return, after the first of the year. Ho Ho Woe...

According to our Ungrateful Son, the above festive/charming e-card was found on [adult swim]— home to many fine and/or disturbing programs.

~snuppy

Next year, everyone’s getting a subscription to Humor-blogs.com.



Christ Demands Out of X-Mas by crummyjoel
Tuesday, 25 December 2007, 9:32am
Filed under: crummy letters, holidays, the best in fake news reports

(This article compiled from various wire reports)

HEAVEN (AP): Jesus Christ, longtime namesake of the holiday “Christmas”, has issued a statement through heaven’s lone lawyer, asking that His Name be completely removed from the aforementioned holiday.

Said Christ, “Many of My followers get uptight when people use X-mas to remove my name from the holiday. But quite frankly, I prefer it that way. Seriously…have you even seen what happens leading up to this day?!?”

Christ, known during his time on earth as an advocate for the poor and downtrodden, continued: “Riots in shopping malls? Fistfights over video game systems? Spending exorbitant amounts of money on people who already have everything they could possibly ask for? Does that sound like something I’d like to be involved in? Pick one of those other pretend deities and name this holiday after them. I’m through with it. Besides, I was very likely born in the springtime.”

In His statement, Christ produced graphs and documentation that the Christmas holiday has suffered a sharp downward moral spiral over the past few decades. While gifts to the poor have increased over this time, they have not increased at the same rate as greed, gluttony, self-centeredness, and violent temper tantrums as a result of not getting a Wii that I asked for TWO WHOLE YEARS IN A ROW.

“Look, I’m all for the large amounts of time spent with the family during the holidays,” Christ continued. “That part I can get behind. However, I already created a time when families are supposed to get together and think about Me. It’s called ‘Sunday‘. Perhaps this X-mas time would be less stressful for everyone if you took advantage of the 52 other times during the year when you’re supposed to be together.”

Christ refused to lay all of the blame at the feet of secular commercialism: “My children are the cause of a lot of My consternation…as usual. I mean, have you seen how eager they are to nail me to a cross? These days, you can’t get through an X-mas message without hanging Me out to dry by the end of it. They’re trying to kill me quicker than Herod did when I was born for real the first time! For My sakes, can you not let the Son of Man live His 33 years before killing Him?!? Do they not realize that without those 33 perfect years, that cross didn’t mean diddly-squat?” Such strong language only emphasizes Christ’s seriousness regarding this issue.

When asked for a reaction to Christ’s statement, most of the world’s Christians had their mouths too full of mashed potatoes and/or stuffing to understand what they were saying. At the time of this printing, no other deities had offered to attach their name to the holiday in Christ’s stead.

Christ completed his statement by admitting that the entire idea of Christmas was not entirely unsalvageable. “Look, I’m a forgiving guy. It’s kinda my shtick. Can we just get back to the basics of this holiday? Let’s focus on giving, let’s focus on the most downtrodden, let’s focus on children and widows and the needy. Even crazier, let’s focus on the sinful. In short, let’s focus on the people whom I focused on while I was here on earth. Please?!?”

For the Associated Press, I’m CrummyJoel. Further information on this story can be found at humor-blogs.com



Have a very twisted Christmas! by Harmonica Man
Monday, 24 December 2007, 9:42am
Filed under: Cloudman, holidays

jeffav1.jpgThe other night I was innocently flipping through the channels and landed on a rerun of Jay Leno, just before he was about to introduce the musical guest for the night.

Since I didn’t know who he had booked, I stayed tuned, eager to enjoy another quality musical guest. But imagine my surprise when camera panned over to the stage and instead found…

THIS GUY!

dee2.jpg

GAH!I thought these guys were long dead. I guess that explains why Dee Snider looks like he’s been exhumed.

twisted.jpgLast year Twisted Sister celebrated their 30th anniversary as a band, and to cap it off they released this new holiday album called… you guessed it – “A Twisted Christmas“.

And so the other night I watched them play their very twisted version of O Come All Ye Faithful which (cleverly?) superimposes the words directly over the same melody as We’re Not Gonna Take It.

Hmm, he didn’t figure that out until now? I remember thinking that was a rip-off 23 years ago when that song first came out.

Anyway, the act was entertaining – in a “it’s really hard to not watch a train wreck” kind of way. The poor band looks exactly like a weather-beaten version of the original, except for the “please just shoot me now” expressions they now wear on their faces.

Here’s the video of their version of O Come All Ye Faithful.

As I’m sure you discovered right away, having actual acting skills were not as much a prerequisite for this gig as much as having large breasts and the ability to shake your hair around.

Of course I’m quite sure you weren’t surprised to find they managed to add a sexy “video chick” to a classic Christmas song such as O Come All Ye Faithful. But then again isn’t that their job?

I mean duh – this IS Twisted Sister!!!

~ Jeff

Ye faithful always come to Humor-blogs.com for truly twisted humor!