Filed under: crummy letters
So, exactly what the hell can I use you for, anyhow?!? I double-freaking-dare you to put more fine print and exceptions on your coupon. It can’t be done, can it?!?
As if my holiday time isn’t stressful enough right now! On top of attending 15 different Christmas parties, bringing snacks to all manner of school and work functions, finding white elephant gifts, seeing strange people that are related to me for the first time in a year, finding grey elephant gifts (don’t ask…), holiday shopping for every living soul that I know: On top of all that, I have to spend 37 minutes figuring out if what I am wanting to purchase qualifies me for your measly discount.
(There was one other thing I had to do this season as well…what was that….Oh yes! Celebrate the birth of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I knew it’d come to me! Some things just get lost in the busy-ness of it all!)
I mean, sure, I’m wanted in 27 states for coupon fraud, so I see why you’re taking such precautions against me. In Nevada alone, I bilked a JC Penney out of 10% off of an “Earlybird item“…twice!! Can you even believe they allowed it to happen a second time?!? And I once spent 18 hours in a county jail in Minnesota for getting an additional 15% off of fragrances. (Note to self: Never again get locked up in prison after having spent time in the fragrances section of a major department store. Some memories can never be erased.)
I digress…my point is: Are all of these precautions and exclusions really necessary for the general public? A hardened coupon criminal like me, sure, but I seriously doubt that Granny Wilson in Des Moines is going to put the entire KMart corporation out of business because, gosh Granny, I hate to break this to you, but your $3.00 off coupon just doesn’t apply to Blue Light Special items! Sorry ’bout that!
I half expect the next coupon I get to say something like this instead:
And a coupon like this would actually be a relief. I mean, isn’t there some law about “truth in advertising” somewhere? I’m fairly sure the intent of such a law isn’t to allow companies to cancel every promise made with more fine print than ten typical real estate contracts. Here’s a novel idea: If the reason there’s a ton of fine print is that your company really can’t afford to give out coupons, then don’t give out any freakin’ coupons! Maybe, just maybe, things like “customer service”, “courtesy” and “$#!t that doesn’t break as soon as it leaves the store” are enough to lure customers to your store.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go fill out all of my mail-in rebate forms. I just can’t wait to get all that money back!!
PS: All Humor-blogs.com books are half off right now!**
PPS: Thanks to my non-crummy wife Jennifer for the Crummy Letter idea.
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