Central Snark

Dear Crummy Coupons: by crummyjoel
Tuesday, 18 December 2007, 9:11am
Filed under: crummy letters

So, exactly what the hell can I use you for, anyhow?!? I double-freaking-dare you to put more fine print and exceptions on your coupon. It can’t be done, can it?!?

As if my holiday time isn’t stressful enough right now! On top of attending 15 different Christmas parties, bringing snacks to all manner of school and work functions, finding white elephant gifts, seeing strange people that are related to me for the first time in a year, finding grey elephant gifts (don’t ask…), holiday shopping for every living soul that I know: On top of all that, I have to spend 37 minutes figuring out if what I am wanting to purchase qualifies me for your measly discount.

(There was one other thing I had to do this season as well…what was that….Oh yes! Celebrate the birth of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I knew it’d come to me! Some things just get lost in the busy-ness of it all!)

I mean, sure, I’m wanted in 27 states for coupon fraud, so I see why you’re taking such precautions against me. In Nevada alone, I bilked a JC Penney out of 10% off of an “Earlybird item“…twice!! Can you even believe they allowed it to happen a second time?!? And I once spent 18 hours in a county jail in Minnesota for getting an additional 15% off of fragrances. (Note to self: Never again get locked up in prison after having spent time in the fragrances section of a major department store. Some memories can never be erased.)

I digress…my point is: Are all of these precautions and exclusions really necessary for the general public? A hardened coupon criminal like me, sure, but I seriously doubt that Granny Wilson in Des Moines is going to put the entire KMart corporation out of business because, gosh Granny, I hate to break this to you, but your $3.00 off coupon just doesn’t apply to Blue Light Special items! Sorry ’bout that!

I half expect the next coupon I get to say something like this instead:

And a coupon like this would actually be a relief. I mean, isn’t there some law about “truth in advertising” somewhere? I’m fairly sure the intent of such a law isn’t to allow companies to cancel every promise made with more fine print than ten typical real estate contracts. Here’s a novel idea: If the reason there’s a ton of fine print is that your company really can’t afford to give out coupons, then don’t give out any freakin’ coupons! Maybe, just maybe, things like “customer service”, “courtesy” and “$#!t that doesn’t break as soon as it leaves the store” are enough to lure customers to your store.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go fill out all of my mail-in rebate forms. I just can’t wait to get all that money back!!


PS: All Humor-blogs.com books are half off right now!**

**(NOT INCLUDING Antisocial Commentary by Diesel and Crummy Church Signs Volume 1 by Joel Bezaire)

PPS: Thanks to my non-crummy wife Jennifer for the Crummy Letter idea.

16 Comments so far
Leave a comment

and THAT’S why i never ever use coupons. i won’t. i just can’t.

what a great post, Crummy(SO NOT) Joel! that said, i don’t know about anyone else, but i’m pretty sure i need hear more about your Unfortunate Incarceration due to “criminal coupon redemption”. πŸ˜‰

Comment by snuppy

I would also be remiss if I didn’t wish my lovely wife Jennifer a happy 8th anniversary today.

Comment by CrummyJoel

you wife?? dude… thinking we should be wishing you BOTH a happy 8th!!

Happy Happy 8th Anniversary, Joel & Jennifer!! here’s hoping the 2 of you have many many MANY more years of wedded bliss! πŸ™‚

Comment by snuppy

together. i meant to say together. but you knew that, right? πŸ˜‰

Comment by snuppy

My sister is addicted to coupon use. A couple times she has literally used so many coupons, the store had to pay HER when she made her purchases.

The 50 Cents off coupons are my favorite, because it takes you about an hour to cut enough coupons to save 3-4 dollars, and generally the coupons get you to buy something you don’t even want or need in the first place, so technically you’re still losing money.

Anyways . . .

Comment by Stephen

Hey – happy anniversary to both of you!

I had the same problem with a coupon book from Herbergers a few weeks ago. Their fine print went so far as to eliminate entire departments (i.e. “electronics”) from the discount. People were so frustrated they were giving away their $10 coupons at the cash registers because they couldn’t use them. Sheesh.

Great post!

Comment by Harmonica Man

This is the best post ever.

(Not including other posts on this site, other Humor-Blogs.com members, lolcat-related posts and other really good posts. See store for details.)

Happy anniversary!

Comment by Diesel

You’d be more than remiss if you didn’t wish your wife a Happy Anniversary; you’d be in the doghouse with the only redemption out – a $20 coupon!

Great post – I save all my coupons and then lose them or not have them when I go to said store, then resolve to go back and get an adjustment on the receipt – well you get the picture. Time is money.

Happy Anniversary to you and Jennifer!

Comment by Lampsha

Happy anniversary you two.
I live in Iceland, we don]t give away coupons or anything for that matter. Ever. I am starting to think it is a good thing and very time=saving it appears πŸ˜‰

Comment by Penguin

I read that coupon quickly and saw ’embryos’ where it says ‘Earlybirds’.
That’s why I don’t use coupons. It reminds me how soon I’m going to need bifocals.

Comment by Shieldmaiden96

Happy Anniversary! We don’t do the coupon thing here in Spain and the truth is I don’t miss it a bit. It’s too much of a hassle.

Comment by Theresa

I don’t shop where there are coupons if I can help it. I can’t afford the time to clip coupons for 10% off items that are 20% more expensive than they need to be in order to pay off the people who print and process the coupons. Not including the minimum-wage checkers for whom I have to wait another hour in line ’cause the dude in front of me just opened a wallet full of the damned things.

Comment by oceallaigh

In CrummyJoel’s absence (yeah big excuse, your wedding anniversary), I hereby convey the comment of the day award upon Diesel.


Comment by DJ LAMPSHA

Excellent work. 100% off your next visit to my site.

Comment by IC

Love the fake coupon, so funny!
You all must come over and check out Zero Punctuation. It is quite snarkish.

Comment by claire

Thanks for the comments everyone!

Comment by CrummyJoel

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