Central Snark


Fruitcake by Snuppy
Thursday, 20 December 2007, 9:43am
Filed under: funny..., guest who?, holidays

WHAT’S green and red and white and green and red and white and green and red and white? A Christmas Frog in a Blender! Get it? Frog? Santa hat? Blender? Okay, so maybe we’re the only ones who think we’re funny, but guess what? We don’t care, because we’re the only ones writing this intro. But, that, of course, is beside the point. The point, which just ran off with your sense of humor, is that The Holidays bring out the best and worst in us. So forget what we just said about Christmas Frogs — in blenders or otherwise — and join us in welcoming our Very Good and Funny Friend, THE FROGSTER, who has seen fit to bless us with a Holiday Themed Post. That said, we could care less if YOU actually enjoy what he’s written, because WE did, and as you know by now, that’s all that matters. That said, trust us, The Frogster is a wonderfully clever writer — and we Strongly Urge you all to take a peek at his blog, if you’ve yet to do so. We can’t say for sure, but we’re guessing there’s a fruitcake in it for you, if you DON’T. ~snuppy

A FRUITCAKE SAVED MY CHRISTMAS TONIGHT

The Frogster here. I hope everyone is enjoying the last few weeks of 2007. Beth and I had a bit of a tiff when she discovered a piece of tinsel on my shirt and accused me of having an affair with a Christmas Fairy, but we seem to have put that behind us.

The holidays. A time for cheer and good wishes and generosity and kindness and volunteering and love and peace and singing and companionship. Fine and wonderful things. The holiday season, however, also has a horrible dark side. This dark side is the unseemly yet pervasive attitude running rampant through our culture that it is okay to take all of our holiday stress out on that most misunderstood and unappreciated of holiday confections. That’s right, I’m talking about the Manna of Midwinter, the Delicacy of December, the Wonder of the Winter Solstice. Fruit cake. Fruit cake is as vital to the survival of our holiday traditions as the blazing Christmas light show that our neighbors leave on all night with accompanying carols coming out of a speaker turned to the “Sonic Boom” volume setting.

It is my fondest hope that my neighbors’ speaker gets ice in it and explodes. It is my second fondest hope that, with a little illumination, I can help you to understand why you must stop this unjustified campaign of terror against The Almighty Fruit Cake.

Now, your might think your History of Christmas trivia is up to snuff with regard to the tradition of Kris Kringle, due to the TV special “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” (Interestingly, the first Christmas had to be cancelled due to a clerical error when Kris spent all night thinking he was supposed to come to “Twon” and couldn’t find it). The special left out a few critical details, however, due to the need to tighten it up in order to fit it into the allotted time slot, which I will now pass along to you in an effort to make the world a better place.

Way back when, during the reign of the evil Burgermeister Meisterburger, a kindly old soul named Kris Kringle wanted to spread a little cheer during the dark days of deepest winter. We all know this. One of Kris’ more popular gifts was fruit, due to the fact that the only place that grew fruit back in those dark times was Italy, and the Mafia controlled the exportation of fruit with a bronze fist (this was before the secrets of iron working were revealed by Louis Casting). So only Kris, with his supersonic sled, could sneak in and retrieve the fruit.

After the “Twon” typo was corrected, the tradition went on just fine for a couple of years until Burgermeister Meisterburger discovered Kris’ treachery and hired fruit bats to patrol the sky on Christmas Eve (all this was in the original TV special but was later cut). When Kris would get close, the bats would descend on him like, well, like fruit bats after fruit. The fruit bats would decimate Kris’ sled and the children would be unhappy for the whole year. Mrs. Kringle, the grandmother of contraband, realized that if the fruit was encased in something the bats wouldn’t be able to detect it. So she baked some cakes and stuck the fruit inside. This worked well, though Kris had to make seven or eight trips, due to the fact that he could only fit so many cakes on his sled. Then one year, Mrs. Kringle remembered too late that she had run out of yeast. She made the cakes anyway, and it was an unexpected success. Kris could fit all the unrisen cakes on his sled and deliver every last bit of the fruit in one trip.

A rather underreported fact is that since all of the fruit had to be cut up to fit it into the slimmer cakes, the children’s fathers had to stay up all night putting the little pieces of fruit back together, thus starting another holiday tradition that continues to this day.

So, without the mighty fruit cake, there would be no such thing as Christmas. I hope that, armed with this knowledge, we can stop the rampant fruit cake bashing that makes for so much mean-spirited holiday cheer at this time of year. In fact, I’d like to institute National Fruit Cake Day, celebrated on December 29th, in rememberance of a missing cake ingredient leading to the glorious triumph over The Burgermeister’s army of Grinchlike Fruit Bats.

In preparation for National Fruit Cake Day, I’d like you all to go enjoy a piece of fruit cake today. I already have. In case you do not have any samples of this most delicious of holiday confections, due to your fruitcake prejudices, be sure you have some for next year. You can buy some after the holidays in the discount section of your local Mega Mart. Don’t worry, it will keep. In the meantime, I’ll have another piece, just to make up the difference. Happy Holidays!

I like my fruit cake with a little humor-blogs.com in it.

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21 Comments so far
Leave a comment

oh how i wish i could write a “proper” comment here, but i’m still wiping tears of joy from my eyes, and will be unable to do anything but sing “Santa Claus is Coming to Twon” for the next few minutes.

that said, THANK YOU oh kind and hilarious Frogster, for this Very Important Historical and/or Hysterical Perspective on the Scariest Christmas Tradition, ever! i still won’t eat that shit, but at least i now have greater respect for That Which Bears Mystery Fruit and Weighs, Like, 97 pounds/slice. 😉

Comment by snuppy

PS: good luck with that neighbor’s stereo thing… not sure i’ve mentioned this before, but OUR neighbor is a drummer, who practices HOURS on end EVERY STINKIN’ DAY. needless to say, i pray for an Unfortunate Slip on Black Ice. (not really, but would it kill the guy to take a day off now and again?) 🙄

Comment by snuppy

[…] (everyone already knows about the last one, right?) to post over at The Central Snark, so I did. Check it out. It’s about fruitcake. It’s funny. Thanks, […]

Pingback by The Frog Bog » The Frogster Gets Snarky

Great stuff.

By the way, I loved “Twon”. I especiawwy thought Jeff Bwidges and Bwuce Boxleitner were excewwent.

Comment by CrummyJoel

Good job, Frogster.

Don’t you think fruitcake would be the perfect “re-gifting” present? (Not to me, of course.)…..Judy

Comment by J.D.

I had no idea. Thanks for this most important history lesson.

Maybe I’m the odd man out here, but I actually LIKE fruitcake. Just open up the brittle plastic wrapping, put a little butter on it, and suddenly you have a tasty dense and chewy fruit treat! The problem is, nobody in my family makes or buys it anymore. 😦

Jeff

Comment by Harmonica Man

Can’t we celebrate Fruitcake Day without actually having to eat any? Or maybe we can do something nice for some crazy person, would that count? Hey, and maybe if you throw a fruitcake at your neighbor’s speakers it’ll bring you some peace. 😉

Comment by Theresa

According to my research, there are only 117 actual fruitcakes ever made in the history of the world; the art has long been forgotten and that these original ones have been regifted an average of 27,304 times now…

Comment by VE

Would it be okay if I work my way up to it by eating actual fruit? Ah the ole Christmas Fairy ay – was he wearing high heels?

Welcome to TheSnark Frogster! Excellent post about a most unexcellent Holiday staple.

Comment by Lampsha

Snuppy- Thank you. Many drummers I know use practice pads or electronic drum pads they can turn down/off. It’s gonna set you back a few grand, but you could buy him a set.

Joel- I favow wecent movies, like Twansfowmews.

JD- Possibly. But why would you want to get rid of a fruitcake?

Jeff- That’s what I’m talkin’ about.

Theresa- Haven’t you learned anything from reading this post? Without fruitcake there would be NO CHRISTMAS. Go over to Jeff’s and have a snack.

VE- I call BS, because I’ve eaten probably 60 or so myself.

Lampsha- A big thanks for the welcome and a big finger wag for STILL poking fun of the mighty fruitcake.

I am now changing the name of my blog to The Fruitcake Bog, and I will post about nothing but fruitcakes until I have converted every last fruitcake hater.

Comment by the frogster

Oh, and the Christmas Fairy. Um, it was late. I was tired. Too much eggnog. Couldn’t see very well with only the holiday lights on. It was just a rebound from getting dumped by Jack Frost’s cousin Lakeesha. I didn’t do it. Twinkie Defense.

Comment by the frogster

You can keep those fruitcakes going for many Christmas holiday regiftings by thoroughly soaking them in rum. No one will ever know!

Comment by claire

Sometimes I feel like I am surrounded by fruitcakes.

And nut-bars.

Comment by Lord Likely

Oh, I’m not against fruitcake, I’m just against eating it. Did you try my remedy for the neighbor’s speakers?

Comment by Theresa

don’t think i didn’t totally crack up last night when i turned on the TV, only to find a show about Christmas Traditions on the History Channel — which featured a segment on what? you guessed it: Fruitcakes. apparently many people DO eat that crap confection! who knew? that said, one manufacturer (who ships the stuff by the 100’s of thousands every year) claims that, unrefrigerated, their cakes will remain “fresh” for up to 10 weeks. so, you know… still scary. 😉

Comment by snuppy

Frogster, I never thought I would say this, but apparently your taste buds have been destroyed by the 60 bricks of fruitcake you have eaten (BTW, do you have any teeth left?)so I’ll just blurt it out…Fruit Cake is an Evil Creation of Lex Luther to try to kill Superman. See, fruit cakes last like, forever, because they have KRYPTONITE in them! I swear. Haven’t you ever noticed that eerie green glow they have at night? And they weigh 97 pounds a slice because of the K too. You need to get to a rehab facility at once. Say hi to Lindsey.

Comment by karen

Claire- It also works if you soak the people you’re giving them to in rum.

LL- you are.

Theresa- I would never waste a fruitcake like that.

Snuppy- Lots of things stay fresh for that long- batteries, light bulbs, action figures. So I don’t think that’s any reason to hate on the cake.

Karen- Oh no you didn’t. I can taste all right, and right now it tastes like victory for the fruitcake!

Comment by the frogster

[…] right here in our blog community, as sadly shown by the comments villifying fruitcake on this […]

Pingback by The Frog Bog » Big Holiday Fruitcake Mania Ultra Mega Super Post!

[…] Not at all.   It’s just that some traditions are worth preserving – sort of like Fruitcake, right Frogster?  So it is with this in mind that I reprise an old Christmas Chestnut played here […]

Pingback by SATURDAY O’SPIN « Central Snark

Hey there. You are hilarious. My drunk friend, Linduh, gifted me with 2 fruitcakes this year. What a crap gift. Anyway, this is what we did with the fruitcake! http://upsetwaitress.com/2007/12/20/fun-with-fruitcake/

Comment by upset waitress

[…] since National Fruitcake Day is Saturday, that means tonight is Fruitcake Eve, when all of the good fruitcake lovers of the […]

Pingback by The Frog Bog » The Fruitcake Meerkat Comes Tonight!




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