Central Snark

Christ Demands Out of X-Mas by crummyjoel
Tuesday, 25 December 2007, 9:32am
Filed under: crummy letters, holidays, the best in fake news reports

(This article compiled from various wire reports)

HEAVEN (AP): Jesus Christ, longtime namesake of the holiday “Christmas”, has issued a statement through heaven’s lone lawyer, asking that His Name be completely removed from the aforementioned holiday.

Said Christ, “Many of My followers get uptight when people use X-mas to remove my name from the holiday. But quite frankly, I prefer it that way. Seriously…have you even seen what happens leading up to this day?!?”

Christ, known during his time on earth as an advocate for the poor and downtrodden, continued: “Riots in shopping malls? Fistfights over video game systems? Spending exorbitant amounts of money on people who already have everything they could possibly ask for? Does that sound like something I’d like to be involved in? Pick one of those other pretend deities and name this holiday after them. I’m through with it. Besides, I was very likely born in the springtime.”

In His statement, Christ produced graphs and documentation that the Christmas holiday has suffered a sharp downward moral spiral over the past few decades. While gifts to the poor have increased over this time, they have not increased at the same rate as greed, gluttony, self-centeredness, and violent temper tantrums as a result of not getting a Wii that I asked for TWO WHOLE YEARS IN A ROW.

“Look, I’m all for the large amounts of time spent with the family during the holidays,” Christ continued. “That part I can get behind. However, I already created a time when families are supposed to get together and think about Me. It’s called ‘Sunday‘. Perhaps this X-mas time would be less stressful for everyone if you took advantage of the 52 other times during the year when you’re supposed to be together.”

Christ refused to lay all of the blame at the feet of secular commercialism: “My children are the cause of a lot of My consternation…as usual. I mean, have you seen how eager they are to nail me to a cross? These days, you can’t get through an X-mas message without hanging Me out to dry by the end of it. They’re trying to kill me quicker than Herod did when I was born for real the first time! For My sakes, can you not let the Son of Man live His 33 years before killing Him?!? Do they not realize that without those 33 perfect years, that cross didn’t mean diddly-squat?” Such strong language only emphasizes Christ’s seriousness regarding this issue.

When asked for a reaction to Christ’s statement, most of the world’s Christians had their mouths too full of mashed potatoes and/or stuffing to understand what they were saying. At the time of this printing, no other deities had offered to attach their name to the holiday in Christ’s stead.

Christ completed his statement by admitting that the entire idea of Christmas was not entirely unsalvageable. “Look, I’m a forgiving guy. It’s kinda my shtick. Can we just get back to the basics of this holiday? Let’s focus on giving, let’s focus on the most downtrodden, let’s focus on children and widows and the needy. Even crazier, let’s focus on the sinful. In short, let’s focus on the people whom I focused on while I was here on earth. Please?!?”

For the Associated Press, I’m CrummyJoel. Further information on this story can be found at humor-blogs.com

17 Comments so far
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Merry Christmas, everyone! Just a little reminder of why we give each other gifts and spend time with family during this time.

I hope everyone has a chance to spend time with loved ones this season, and also has a chance to do something nice for someone they don’t know or haven’t even met yet. That was certainly part of Christ’s example to us.

Happy holidays, Snarkers!!


Comment by crummyjoel

Diddly squat? yowza — i had NO idea Christ used such “strongly” worded phrases. can’t say i blame Him for wanting to be disassociated with this day — wonderful as it is, i’m pretty sure it was never intended to be something that kept me up ’til all hours wrapping anythiing i can find in my closet because i forgot to buy a nice gift for “Aunt Tillie” (or whoever that old broad is that shows up for her Free Meal once a year)

keeping my fingers crossed for ya Joel — our own “boys” have been wanting one of those systems for the past 2 years, as well. thanks to Nintendo’s brilliant marketing (in which the coveted product is unavailable to all but a handful) they won’t be getting one this year, either. ah well, the solution comes in the form of 1 word/3numbers: Xbox 360. πŸ™„

PS: totally loving the new category you created — as well as this post! WELL DONE! and Merry Chr..er..X… no… um… Happy Holidays? πŸ˜‰

Comment by snuppy

and, yes, i figured today’s FIRST comment belonged to you, so i deleted then reposted my own. i am just that weird (explains the “gift” Aunt Tille’s gettin’ this year, i suppose…) πŸ˜‰

Comment by snuppy

Merry Christmas Snarksters!

Comment by BoBo

This just in! Jesus also demands complete disassociation from the cliched Breck shampoo magazine-ad image widely circulated as a purported likeness of himself. He refered interested parties to the first chapter of the Book of the Revelation.

In response to questioning, Jesus also acknowledged that the X in Xmas is actually a Greek Chi, representing the first initial of his name in that language. He went on to add that while technically acceptable it was also symptomatic of a degree of laziness that leads to meaninglessness.

Canadian Press International.

Comment by bruce

Ok, but I’m still going to insist on militantly wishing non-believers a Merry Christmas, because Christ was all about forcing the superficial features of religion on people. Winning people over with love is for p*ssies.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Comment by Diesel

So you’re sayin’ that the first letters in Christmas were originally about Christ? Huh! Who knew????

Merry XMAS Jesus.

Comment by tlp

So you’re saying Jesus is union and now he’s on strike? Merry, Happy, peaceful Christmas to those who celebrate and for whatever reasons that you do.

Comment by Lampsha

christmas…Christ…there’s a connection? wow…any chance the big book with the small print has clues to it? It’s an between the lines-thing…isn’t it?

Have a happy Holiday everybody.
be gentle with the earth!

Comment by Penguin


Did what you suggested: the father cried, grandpa just kept saying over “so much… such a blessing… chicken* biriyani” mom just grined ear to ear, same with grandma. And all seven kids… they played with all the toys and looked at the books… it was when i got home i realize I took no pictures.

*grandpa got a 200 rupee ($5)christmas bonus from his work and was using it to buy a chicken on christmas day one of the few times they will eat meat a year and was asking us to stop by to share that blessing.

Comment by ryan

Feliz navidad, Snarkeros

Comment by Walela

Just Christmas? I thought that applied to the rest of the year as well?

I dreamed I stood upon a hill, and, lo!
The godly multitudes walked to and fro
Beneath, in Sabbath garments fitly clad,
With pious mien, appropriately sad,
While all the church bells made a solemn din –
A fire-alarm to those who lived in sin.
Then saw I gazing thoughtfully below,
With tranquil face, upon that holy show
A tall, spare figure in a robe of white,
Whose eyes diffused a melancholy light.
“God keep you, stranger,” I exclaimed. “You are
No doubt (your habit shows it) from afar;
And yet I entertain the hope that you,
Like these good people, are a Christian too.”
He raised his eyes and with a look so stern
It made me with a thousand blushes burn
Replied — his manner with disdain was spiced:
“What! I a Christian? No, indeed! I’m Christ.”
Gassalasca Jape

Merry Christmas … um, Solstice … um, Kwanzaa … um, … oh hell, party down, everybody! πŸ˜‰

Comment by oceallaigh

I hate to break it to Jesus, although I thought he knew this, but X is a short hand version of Christ from the Greek. Writing X-mas still keeps Christ in Christmas, a shorthand version of course. I would recommend these subsitutes, Shopmas, Deptmas, DrunkenfamilyeattoomuchspendtoomuchdidnotgetwhatIreallywanted-mas.

Comment by Rev J

Bravo. Well said.

Now, can we compact this message down so it fits on a church sign??? πŸ™‚

Comment by BRWombat

Awesomely written!
Merry Christmas

Comment by claire

Amen and Merry Christmas, Joel!

Comment by ballaire

Thank God for Boxing Day… We reserve Christmas for carefully preparing a love-infused meal for the family, and then indulge our consumerist gluttony the day after, buying gifts for loved ones at (somewhat) discounted prices. There you go Jesus.

And, I must say that it is always stunning to see people migrating at Christmastime to be with the loved ones that they cannot see the rest of the year.

Comment by Suhayla

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