Central Snark


That’s What She Said… by Snuppy
Friday, 28 December 2007, 10:17am
Filed under: funny..., lists, Sex, Ed?

ma kettleEVERY stinking time we hear (and/or say) that line we totally crack up. Because, let’s face it, one can put a “sexual” spin on just about any phrase. Unfortunately, this post has nothing to do with spins — sexual or otherwise* — for we’re guessing NO one wants to take a ride on the Dirty Sex Express after viewing Waldo’s wrinkled wares, yesterday, but that’s beside the point. The point, which almost made us blind when we saw it dangling between Waldo’s skinny legs, is that women say stupid shit leading things all the time. Naturally and/or (apparently) confusingly, what a woman wants and what comes out of her mouth aren’t always the same thing. (that’s what he said) At least that’s what one of our friends told us — the same friend who insists upon sending us silliness after silliness via e-mail.**. What? You didn’t think we ever bothered to read our Many and Often Annoying Electronic Messages? Well listen up — despite our reticence to answer everyone’s notes, we actually DO check our in-box from time to time, just to make sure it’s still working. (that’s what she said)

What She Says v. What She Means

(a tutorial for Men)

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she’s getting dressed, this means a half an hour. If she’s shopping, it means 3 hours. “Five minutes” is only 5 minutes if you’ve been given time to watch the game before cleaning out the garage and/or doing the dishes.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. “Nothing” means “f*cking huge and/or horrific”. Interestingly, arguments that begin with “nothing” often end in “fine”.

4. Go ahead and/or Do it: Both are dares, NOT words of permission. Do Not, under any circumstances, “go ahead” and/or “do it”.

5. Loud sigh: Not so much a “word” as a non-verbal statement frequently misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you’re an idiot and wonders why she’s wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about “nothing”. [see #3]

6. That’s OK: This phrase is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. “That’s OK” means she wants to think long and hard (heh) before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. Because you will pay for your mistake. Oh yes, you. will. pay.

7. Whatever: This is a woman’s way of saying “fuck you”.

8. Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, which loosely translated means: “Are you deaf, dumb… and blind? Do you want me to break a nail? Mother was right, you are an idiot.” This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response, refer back to #3.

9. I’ll think about it: Not in this lifetime, asshole.

And, finally…

10. Does this make me look fat?: Only a complete moron with a death wish would actually answer this question. Trust us, she doesn’t want to know if “this” makes her look “fat”, she wants to know if you’re still attracted to her. And not in a way that means she’s horny, so forget taking off your pants when you tell her she looks “nice”.

NOW we know what you’re thinking (those of you currently scratching your heads and/or balls, depending upon your “equipment”): is there a reason women process information differently from men? According to the following (completely hilarious) clip, there is:

AS always, we feel obliged to mention who’s behind the material we’re sharing. (that’s what he said) In this case, the sketch is the brainchild of British comedian, HARRY ENFIELD, a man, far as we can tell, who’s utterly hilarious from top to bottom. (that’s what she said)

~snuppy

Yes, you idiot, the girls are funny on HUMOR-BLOGS.COM.

*Speaking of spins (which we were) DJ LAMPSHA will surely come to the rescue with another Award Winning Spin, tomorrow, Shirley.

**Once we finally DID read our e-mail, we found a note from our favorite bloggoddess, MIZ BOHEMIA, who, as it happens, has a new post up for your enjoyment and/or perusal. Ours, too. Oh, and take your time, she’s not known for brevity, but, well worth the time/effort it takes to read her many words and/or watch her in glorious action! πŸ˜‰

 

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12 Comments so far
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one or two of you may recognize this video — i think i shared it many (many) months ago. but it’s still funny, and works with this post, so shut up. also, aside from the fact i “lifted” this material from an e-mail, most of the words are mine. just saying… my friends aren’t crass, I am. πŸ˜‰

oh, and Mizzy B, i am SOOOOOO sorry i didn’t see your note sooner. as you may or may not know, i’m sharing computers with BoBo this week, which means i’ve been unable to check mail/comment on blogs as often as i like (meaning: i REALLY don’t want him to know how much time i spend on the computer when he’s not home!) πŸ™„

Comment by snuppy

The clip is hilarious and as for the list, while I consider myself to have been a good student over the past 23+ years everyone can use a good refresher course now and then.

Great post Snup.

Comment by BoBo

Bobo: heh — after 23 years, i’d say you were the master, for truly, communication IS your forte! that said, does this post make me look fat? πŸ˜‰

Comment by snuppy

Wow, women are horrible, aren’t they?

Comment by Walela

Wow, thanks for the inside information! I’m going to print off this list and keep it in my wallet so I can whip it out the next time my wife asks me if her outfit makes her look fat.

-jeff

Comment by Harmonica Man

Very funny, indeed. I must say this was truly relevant to me personally today for reasons no one really would want to know, trust me on that. Just know it was a welcome laugh!

Comment by claire

No worries at all and ever dearest Snuppylicious amiga de mi corazΓ³n. These are quiet days in the blogosphere and, I’m afraid though maybe not too sad I admit, Miz B’s days may be numbered anyway so… on with the show we go! πŸ™‚ I myself have been running around like a chicken with my head caught off so I can most definitely sympathize with being busybusybusy! But thank you oh so mucho for the very sweet link!

As for the list, I was so laughing when I read that! Methinks Loverboy could most definitely use it as, after ten years together now, he could still use a tip or two as to what a certain wife of his means when she says what she says!

Hope y’all are enjoying the holidays amiga mia! As for me, just got in from rehearsal and am on my way to crash on the couch… hasta la pasta and mil besos!

Mizzy B

Comment by Miz BoheMia

That should read “cut off”… OY!

Comment by Miz BoheMia

Oh yeh! Hey, I’ve tagged you for a meme at Blog-Blond. Play along if you like. And Happy New Year! You’ve got a great blog!

Comment by Kuanyin

A wonderful comprehensive list. You should also remember to always late your partner have the last words, “yes dear.”

That film short is too hysterical. Loved it and your post (which does not make you look fat at all, not one bit).

Comment by LAMPSHA

Walela: when we’re good, we’re very very good. πŸ™„

Jeff: only if you hope to keep sleeping with her. πŸ˜‰

Claire: thinking your day wasn’t much different from my own. i mean, am i taking crazy pills? i must be, because i swear no one can understand me at any given moment of any given day (my son more than my husband, but still..) πŸ˜‰

Miz B: loveliest of BoheMians! coming to an end, says you?? DIOS MIO, NO NO NO! says i. that said(ish), i know i haven’t been the best of bloggy friends to anyone over these past several weeks — hopefully that will change with the New Year. knowing you’re busy doing things both exciting and fulfilling makes it easier to feel okay about your absences of late. still, i DO miss you, and always enjoy catching up! besos, dearest amiga! πŸ™‚

Kuanyin: tagged? cool! sorry to say it may take a few days (weeks?) for one of us to get around to it, but i look forward to seein’ whatcha got! thanks so much for stopping by, too. always a treat to see new faces around here! πŸ™‚

Lampsha: “yes dear” is classic, wish i’d thought of it! glad you enjoyed the short, and more than a little relieved it didn’t make me look fat (my mirror says otherwise, but that’s another whine for another bitter day…) πŸ˜‰

Comment by snuppy

Great post! Love it.

Comment by tlp




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