Central Snark


SATURDAY O’SPIN by Snuppy
Saturday, 22 December 2007, 9:14am
Filed under: holidays, Lampsha Spins

It’s not that I’m lazy and the thought of a post just writing itself isn’t ever so appealing.  Not at all.   It’s just that some traditions are worth preserving – sort of like Fruitcake, right Frogster?  So it is with this in mind that I reprise an old Christmas Chestnut played here last December in the following post.  

Fade in… 

Here’s my Christmas Carol offering, bringing Joyem to the Goyem if you will (Billy, you’ll forgive my swiping that one). This is a fine Christmas song and I’m sure the lyrics “You drunkard, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot” have nothing to do with my partiality. Makes you want to curl up in front of the Yule Log — that or pogo ’round the Christmas tree, or throw the yule log through a window.

Either way, tighten your seatbelts for as fine a Christmas song as I can recall from the band THE POGUES and the late Kirsty MacColl — in Fairytale of New York,  deemed THE BEST CHRISTMAS SONG EVER in a VH1 UK poll. I think I may just have to agree. But you know, call someone an “old slut on junk” over the sweet sounds of a penny whistle and I tend to wax poetic.

Warning: listening to this song may bring a subliminal desire to hoist pints at the pub.  We do not endorse or want that to be the outcome of this (unless you’d like to), but damn if they don’t make you recall a time when it wouldn’t be so far fetched. Is that so wrong?  At the very least, you may just tap a toe.

Listen up mates and enjoy. And, should the spirit move ye in true Irish tradition, feel free to join in on the singing at the pub:

~DJ O’Lampsha

fade out…

Have yourselves a wonderful weekend.  I hope it is not spent shopping for last minute gifts unless of course, you choose to spend your free time being crammed in with less than perfect strangers fighting over cashmere sweaters.  But truly have yourselves a Merry Christmas and may peace and good health be yours in the New Year. 

PS:  Peace, good health and drunkards (not necessarily in that order) can all be found at Humor-blogs.com!



Howdy Doody… by Snuppy
Friday, 21 December 2007, 10:55am
Filed under: funny..., holidays

howdy doody & buffalo billHEH HEH, we said “doody”.

AW. We know the following clip won’t bring back any memories for most of you, but for those of us who grew up in front of black & white TV (literally, and what was up with that, Mom?) this is pretty sweet. Or incredibly scary. For once again we’re struck with the surreal and bizarre knowledge that we were charmed by another — in a series of — pathetic, crappy and/or poorly produced television shows deemed appropriate for kids, back when the term applied to us. While there were many we enjoyed more than we’d care to admit, one of our particular favorites originated from a place called Doodyville, and featured a ridiculous (possibly retarded) clown called “Clarabell”, a happy-go-lucky pedophile? guy named “Buffalo Bob”, and a goofy, freckle-faced boy/marionette known to those yearning to sit in the peanut gallery as: HOWDY DOODY

QUESTIONS: Buttered popcorn on a Christmas tree? Is it just us, or does the scent of a rancid congealed milk product NOT conjure up warm, fuzzy memories of Christmases past? Also, how does someone residing in the town of Doodyville come to possess a space ship? That said, Buffalo Bill’s rocket (heh) did remind us of the one commandeered by Flash Gordon back in 1936, so that was actually kind of cool. Mind you, we weren’t around in ’36, but the wasted hours we spent drooling in front of the TV allowed us to view all forms of questionable shows, including, but not limited to, reruns of movie shorts cleverly repackaged as Quality Children’s Programming.

NEEDLESS to say, our lost youth is completely beside the point. The point, which was kissing Mommy underneath the mistletoe, is that The Howdy Doody Show was kind of lame — never more so than when in Holiday Special Mode. Seriously, some humbug wanted us to believe Santa Claus — expected to drop through our own filthy chimneys later that night — got trapped inside his own crappy house? St. Nick — magical bearer of gifts — was rendered helpless by a “kidnapper” so stupid he named himself Ugly Sam? Kris Kringle — normally surrounded by elves and/or reindeer — was unable to move an inch until a ridiculous cowboy, a retarded clown, and a red-headed puppet showed up to save the day? What kind of message is that to send to a bunch of gullible kids? Ya better watch out, ya better not cry, Santa Claus sucks… blah blah blah blah??

OH, and PS, after that dumb chase in the “dark” and finally catching up with the aforementioned Ugly Sam, why did Buffalo Bob sit on his face?

DEAR MOM: we want our childhood back.

~snuppy

Tra-la-la-LAUGH-all-day from the peanut gallery at Humor-blogs.com.

 



Fruitcake by Snuppy
Thursday, 20 December 2007, 9:43am
Filed under: funny..., guest who?, holidays

WHAT’S green and red and white and green and red and white and green and red and white? A Christmas Frog in a Blender! Get it? Frog? Santa hat? Blender? Okay, so maybe we’re the only ones who think we’re funny, but guess what? We don’t care, because we’re the only ones writing this intro. But, that, of course, is beside the point. The point, which just ran off with your sense of humor, is that The Holidays bring out the best and worst in us. So forget what we just said about Christmas Frogs — in blenders or otherwise — and join us in welcoming our Very Good and Funny Friend, THE FROGSTER, who has seen fit to bless us with a Holiday Themed Post. That said, we could care less if YOU actually enjoy what he’s written, because WE did, and as you know by now, that’s all that matters. That said, trust us, The Frogster is a wonderfully clever writer — and we Strongly Urge you all to take a peek at his blog, if you’ve yet to do so. We can’t say for sure, but we’re guessing there’s a fruitcake in it for you, if you DON’T. ~snuppy

A FRUITCAKE SAVED MY CHRISTMAS TONIGHT

The Frogster here. I hope everyone is enjoying the last few weeks of 2007. Beth and I had a bit of a tiff when she discovered a piece of tinsel on my shirt and accused me of having an affair with a Christmas Fairy, but we seem to have put that behind us.

The holidays. A time for cheer and good wishes and generosity and kindness and volunteering and love and peace and singing and companionship. Fine and wonderful things. The holiday season, however, also has a horrible dark side. This dark side is the unseemly yet pervasive attitude running rampant through our culture that it is okay to take all of our holiday stress out on that most misunderstood and unappreciated of holiday confections. That’s right, I’m talking about the Manna of Midwinter, the Delicacy of December, the Wonder of the Winter Solstice. Fruit cake. Fruit cake is as vital to the survival of our holiday traditions as the blazing Christmas light show that our neighbors leave on all night with accompanying carols coming out of a speaker turned to the “Sonic Boom” volume setting.

It is my fondest hope that my neighbors’ speaker gets ice in it and explodes. It is my second fondest hope that, with a little illumination, I can help you to understand why you must stop this unjustified campaign of terror against The Almighty Fruit Cake.

Now, your might think your History of Christmas trivia is up to snuff with regard to the tradition of Kris Kringle, due to the TV special “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” (Interestingly, the first Christmas had to be cancelled due to a clerical error when Kris spent all night thinking he was supposed to come to “Twon” and couldn’t find it). The special left out a few critical details, however, due to the need to tighten it up in order to fit it into the allotted time slot, which I will now pass along to you in an effort to make the world a better place.

Way back when, during the reign of the evil Burgermeister Meisterburger, a kindly old soul named Kris Kringle wanted to spread a little cheer during the dark days of deepest winter. We all know this. One of Kris’ more popular gifts was fruit, due to the fact that the only place that grew fruit back in those dark times was Italy, and the Mafia controlled the exportation of fruit with a bronze fist (this was before the secrets of iron working were revealed by Louis Casting). So only Kris, with his supersonic sled, could sneak in and retrieve the fruit.

After the “Twon” typo was corrected, the tradition went on just fine for a couple of years until Burgermeister Meisterburger discovered Kris’ treachery and hired fruit bats to patrol the sky on Christmas Eve (all this was in the original TV special but was later cut). When Kris would get close, the bats would descend on him like, well, like fruit bats after fruit. The fruit bats would decimate Kris’ sled and the children would be unhappy for the whole year. Mrs. Kringle, the grandmother of contraband, realized that if the fruit was encased in something the bats wouldn’t be able to detect it. So she baked some cakes and stuck the fruit inside. This worked well, though Kris had to make seven or eight trips, due to the fact that he could only fit so many cakes on his sled. Then one year, Mrs. Kringle remembered too late that she had run out of yeast. She made the cakes anyway, and it was an unexpected success. Kris could fit all the unrisen cakes on his sled and deliver every last bit of the fruit in one trip.

A rather underreported fact is that since all of the fruit had to be cut up to fit it into the slimmer cakes, the children’s fathers had to stay up all night putting the little pieces of fruit back together, thus starting another holiday tradition that continues to this day.

So, without the mighty fruit cake, there would be no such thing as Christmas. I hope that, armed with this knowledge, we can stop the rampant fruit cake bashing that makes for so much mean-spirited holiday cheer at this time of year. In fact, I’d like to institute National Fruit Cake Day, celebrated on December 29th, in rememberance of a missing cake ingredient leading to the glorious triumph over The Burgermeister’s army of Grinchlike Fruit Bats.

In preparation for National Fruit Cake Day, I’d like you all to go enjoy a piece of fruit cake today. I already have. In case you do not have any samples of this most delicious of holiday confections, due to your fruitcake prejudices, be sure you have some for next year. You can buy some after the holidays in the discount section of your local Mega Mart. Don’t worry, it will keep. In the meantime, I’ll have another piece, just to make up the difference. Happy Holidays!

I like my fruit cake with a little humor-blogs.com in it.



Honolulu Holidazed… by Snuppy
Wednesday, 19 December 2007, 9:11am
Filed under: funny..., holidays

surfin' santa‘TIS the season for finding all kinds of wonderful things in our mailbox, including the Happy Holiday Surprise we got from a certain AMOEBA currently Living the Good Life in The Aloha State. Okay, so maybe he’s working, which means he doesn’t get to sit around on the beach singin’ about the hukilau, but that’s beside the point. The point, which is hanging 10 on a surf board bedecked with puka shells, is that O’C — along with his lovely lady, the brilliant Quilldancer (aka THE QUILL) — is in Hawai’i, and we’re not. Anyhoo, anyone who knows O’C knows he frequently has conversations with himself in a pair of voices dubbed “The Dudes” — a couple of cool cats who, far as we can tell, totally dig their current gig in Paradise. Mostly, we suppose, because Hawai’i is hella warm and beautiful. Especially if you’re a haole hailing from the significantly less warm climes of Maine… ~snuppy

***            ***            ***

Dude and Dude: Honolulu Holidazed

“Hey dude!”

What hay, dude? This place look like a manger to you?”

“As a matter of fact, it does, dude. If there’s anything in that fridge, I’ll make you a manger scene for the ages. I’m so hungry, you show me Rudolph, I’ll show you a reindeer slay. I could really stake a claim to some steak right now.”

“Sorry, man, you can’t have a cow. There’s some turkey left, though.”

Ewwww. That bird was mangy two weeks ago.”

“Aha. We find out that ‘anything’ doesn’t mean ‘everything’ after all, and we didn’t even have to mention the tofu. So you don’t want a piece of this, then?”

“I do, actually. So I can throw it out into the yard. Then there’ll be piece on earth.”

“Dude?”

“What?”

“Ever hear of a guy named Ebeneezer?”

A heart two sizes too small to you, too, dude.”

“Well, I’m beginning to wonder about your Christmas spirit.”

“I’ve got plenty of Christmas spirit.”

“Where is it, then?”

“In the rumble seat. Want a snort?”

“That’s good. Very good. One of the better lines you’ve stolen lately. But save it for the eggnog. How come you’re so snarky all of a sudden?”

“Check out the top of the page, dude.”

“Not buyin’ it, dude. You can’t tell me, Mr. PayPerBlaug.com, that you have a problem with OC getting us some publicity. ‘Course, if you keep on the way you’re keepin’ on, we’ll drive the Humor-blogs rating of this site down so far, it’ll never see the light of home page again. So, spill. What gives?”

“Dude?”

“Yeah?”

“What’s the forecast for Honolulu today?”

“Oh, the usual. Sunny. Eighty degrees. Trade winds. Four foot surf.”

“What’re you wearing?”

“Same old same old. Shorts. Short sleeved aloha shirt. Sandals, no socks. Shades.”

“Riiiight. So how many times an hour are these people going to make me listen to Winter Wonderland?!?

“You and Maine never did get along, did you, dude?”

Brrrrrrrr!! Don’t remind me, dude! Only place I ever want to see ice again is out of the freezer. So what’s with this place? I keep hearing sleigh bells, and I see plastic icicles and paper snowflakes and Santas dressed up in red fur coats everywhere! Can’t they celebrate the holidays around here with something more tropical? Like maybe real hibiscus showers instead of fake snow showers?”

“But dude, the snowboy downtown’s got a surfboard.”

“Yeah right. Flubbety dub dub, flubbety dub dub, look at Frosty melt. On the first breaker, dude. If he gets that far.”

“At least he stays on the board while he’s melting. Unlike some dudes I could name.”

You ain’t even tried yet, dude.”

“That’s because somebody’s gotta stay alive to notify the next of kin, dude. Who do you think you are, anyway? Cooper?”

“Ont-day oh-gay air-thay, dude! Halo on the smiley! Remember?!?

“That’s it, dude. You’re off my Christmas list.”

“That’s OK, dude. I couldn’t work out what you wanted anyway. Dead turkey on the ground?”

“And I won’t be mentioning you in my will, either. Enough of this. Say mele Kalikimaka, dude.”

“‘Mele Kalikimaka, dude.'”

~many MANY thanks and a Hau’oli mele kalikimaka to O’C for this Happy Haole Hawai’ian Holiday post — which may be viewed at any time vis-á-vis humor-blogs.com.

PS: that tune may seem familiar to many of you who share our passion for truly stupid-yet-hilarious Christmas movies because of THIS SCENE — featuring the ever-so-funny Chevy Chase fantasizing whilst listening to the unique musical stylings of Mr. Bing Crosby. (you can hear Bing croon the classic Hawai’ian holiday tune sans-a-clip HERE.)



Dear Crummy Coupons: by crummyjoel
Tuesday, 18 December 2007, 9:11am
Filed under: crummy letters

So, exactly what the hell can I use you for, anyhow?!? I double-freaking-dare you to put more fine print and exceptions on your coupon. It can’t be done, can it?!?

As if my holiday time isn’t stressful enough right now! On top of attending 15 different Christmas parties, bringing snacks to all manner of school and work functions, finding white elephant gifts, seeing strange people that are related to me for the first time in a year, finding grey elephant gifts (don’t ask…), holiday shopping for every living soul that I know: On top of all that, I have to spend 37 minutes figuring out if what I am wanting to purchase qualifies me for your measly discount.

(There was one other thing I had to do this season as well…what was that….Oh yes! Celebrate the birth of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I knew it’d come to me! Some things just get lost in the busy-ness of it all!)

I mean, sure, I’m wanted in 27 states for coupon fraud, so I see why you’re taking such precautions against me. In Nevada alone, I bilked a JC Penney out of 10% off of an “Earlybird item“…twice!! Can you even believe they allowed it to happen a second time?!? And I once spent 18 hours in a county jail in Minnesota for getting an additional 15% off of fragrances. (Note to self: Never again get locked up in prison after having spent time in the fragrances section of a major department store. Some memories can never be erased.)

I digress…my point is: Are all of these precautions and exclusions really necessary for the general public? A hardened coupon criminal like me, sure, but I seriously doubt that Granny Wilson in Des Moines is going to put the entire KMart corporation out of business because, gosh Granny, I hate to break this to you, but your $3.00 off coupon just doesn’t apply to Blue Light Special items! Sorry ’bout that!

I half expect the next coupon I get to say something like this instead:

And a coupon like this would actually be a relief. I mean, isn’t there some law about “truth in advertising” somewhere? I’m fairly sure the intent of such a law isn’t to allow companies to cancel every promise made with more fine print than ten typical real estate contracts. Here’s a novel idea: If the reason there’s a ton of fine print is that your company really can’t afford to give out coupons, then don’t give out any freakin’ coupons! Maybe, just maybe, things like “customer service”, “courtesy” and “$#!t that doesn’t break as soon as it leaves the store” are enough to lure customers to your store.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go fill out all of my mail-in rebate forms. I just can’t wait to get all that money back!!

CrummyJoel

PS: All Humor-blogs.com books are half off right now!**

**(NOT INCLUDING Antisocial Commentary by Diesel and Crummy Church Signs Volume 1 by Joel Bezaire)

PPS: Thanks to my non-crummy wife Jennifer for the Crummy Letter idea.



Hardrock, Coco, and… Joe? by Snuppy
Monday, 17 December 2007, 8:30am
Filed under: funny..., holidays

hardrock, coco, and joeWE know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “what crazy, lame-ass, and/or opposite kind of music-related video will I be subjected to after spending the entire weekend enjoying the delightful DJ LAMPSHA’S fabulous spin, which featured the sweet and oh-so-catchy musical stylings of DAN WILSON?” Are we right, or are we right? We’re right. We know we’re right. You know we’re right. Hell, the American People know we’re right. And, far be it from us to disappoint. Which means, of course, it’s time to hang on to your ear muffs, boys and girls — you’re in for a questionable treat.

FOR your enjoyment and/or dismay, we are extremely pleased to provide a fabulous animated piece, somewhat offensively titled: THE THREE LITTLE DWARFS* — a vintage cartoon featuring 3 Santa’s helpers named Hardrock, Coco & Joe. Hardrock. Coco. And… Joe. A while ago (last year?) we were fortunate to stumble upon this very old, very black & white clip while scrounging around on the YouTube, and, we confess, we’re mighty glad we did. Seriously, this clip is a hoot, and a charming one, at that.

From what we gleaned after hastily scanning the website linked above, The Three Little Dwarfs aired on 2 children’s shows — Bozo and Garfield Goose — which were pretty much limited to the Chicago area in the early ’50’s. Of course, we could be talking out of our asses, right now, but we don’t think so. We grew up in California, we watched a shitload of stupid kids’ shows (as opposed to shows for stupid kids), and we know we never saw a ‘toon about guys named Hardrock, Coco & Joe. So wait… that makes TWO things we know today, right? What we watched and/or didn’t watch when we were growing up, and what you were thinking two paragraphs ago. Wow. We’re good.

WE realize this is supposed to be a cute/family-oriented cartoon, but are we the only ones who think Santa looks really creepy? Or that bringing “Joe” along because he loves him so (sung while “Joe” produces a very large candy cane from behind his back) is disturbing? Or that Hardrock, Coco & Joe would make a good name for a porn flick? (not that we’ve ever seen one ourselves, mind you, but we hear things) Oh-lee-Oh-lady, Oh-lady-I… Oh!

PS: if The Three Little Dwarfs is too weird, you might prefer something like the charming-yet-none-too-dazzling SUZY SNOWFLAKE. A bit of animation we think we could replicate with an old Barbie doll and some construction paper. This version is fun/cute-yet-badly drawn, too. But hey, maybe that’s just us — you kids might find both Suzys dee-lightful. That said, according to Hardrock, Miss Snowflake’s quite the whore, with a kinky fixation on — and we quote — “snow balls“.

~snuppy

Hardrock got lost looking for his café, but finally caught up with Coco and Joe at Humor-blogs.com. Those Dwarfs

*Your eyes don’t deceive you, this IS a reworked version of a mildly brilliant post we did last year. But, what with the holidays and/or all our new “friends” — not to mention the fact that this video is HILARIOUS — we didn’t think anyone would mind too terribly much. Hey, a blog’s gotta do what a blog’s gotta do… are we right or are we right?

 



SATURDAY SPIN by Snuppy
Saturday, 15 December 2007, 9:41am
Filed under: Lampsha Spins

It’s late (and when it’s not late, it’s early and I’m late) – so let’s see if I can get this chronology of music leading up to the featured artist correct. He started out with a band named Trip Shakespeare which had a bit of a cult following in the early 90’s (the MySpace link is fan run). How can you not love a band with an album titled, Are You Shakespearienced? Moving on, after Trip Shakespeare fell, two of the members Dan Wilson and John Munson formed Semisonic, joined by drummer, Jacob Slichter.

Today we’re featuring Dan Wilson solo, who is just a melodic beautiful (and Harvard educated) songwriter who was the lead singer/songwriter in the above mentioned groups (actually Semisonic is a semi-active group). Dan just released his first solo album, Free Life in October 2007. He avoids the inevitable “when he was with…” comparisons by me as I am not as familiar with his music with the other groups. What I do know is that every time I hear a song of his on the radio, I turn up the radio and sing along. You can do the same at his MySpace.

So maybe you’ve never heard of Dan (or maybe you have), you can listen to an interview with some live tunes here on Acoustic Cafe (worth a listen). He penned about six songs for the Dixie Chicks’ “return” album including the Grammy winner, Not Ready To Make Nice.

Hope you’ve enjoyed this tapestry of a Spin today. Wha? No video? Bah, of course – it’s Dan with Semisonic in their 1999 Grammy nominated Song of the Year, Closing Time:

Have a great weekend~

~ DJ LAMPSHA

Psst: There’s no closing time over at Humor-blogs.com. Tell ’em Central Snark, that’s C-E-N-T-R-A-L S-N-A-R-K, sent ya.