Central Snark

Dear Crummy Drug Commercials, by crummyjoel
Tuesday, 8 January 2008, 9:28am
Filed under: crummy letters

I just saw a commercial for a prescription medicine to treat constipation. This commercial made me want this medicine more than anything I have ever wanted in my entire life. What a great life the people who take this medicine lead! Successful in business and commerce, a loving and beautiful family, sparkling white teeth and perfectly pressed clothing, a great set of wheels, living in a perfectly moderate and sunny climate zone…and all this from a constipation medicine??

So, what were the side effects they so very casually mentioned at the end of the commercial? Hmm…. nausea and diarrhea? So my choices are between:

1) Not being able to go at all (painful and sucks, sure).

2) Diarrhea and nausea (still painful and sucks, but now I have to spend the entire day in the can perfecting my Buick Maneuver, not to mention the added benefit of being required to furnish a co-pay for the privelege).

So which is worse? My illness or the side effects of your crummy medicine?

I don’t suffer from constipation, and I am very thankful. However, I’m pretty sure that if I did suffer from it I wouldn’t rely on a television commercial to choose my treatment for me. That’s what doctors are for.

Many of these commercials tell you to “Ask your doctor if (insert ridiculously fake but vaguely Latin-sounding feel-good name of medicine here) is right for you.” I can only imagine that doctors must want to punch people in the face when they come into their office and do this. People watch a 30-second TV clip, spend 26 more seconds on WebMD, and suddenly they think they’re Dr. Gregory House without the limp. Never mind all the years of school plus the internships and clinicals and everything else that doctors have to go through: the celebrity spokesperson made the pretty purple pill appealing, so I want it!

Of course, this is the drug companies’ fault. I’m all for large multi-national corporations making unholy amounts of money, but should companies really be allowed to advertise people into believing they have a need for a narcotic or some other form of prescription medicine with potentially harmful (or really, really gross) side effects? They should make some sort of pill for stupidity, and make everyone who’s ever been talked into a drug by the television take it*.

*Side effects may include smartness, the ability to think for oneself, and/or bleeding from the ears.


PS: Humor-blogs.com once experienced an erection lasting longer than four hours, and did not even seek out a doctor. I’ll let someone else (or maybe everyone else) finish this joke in the comments section.

20 Comments so far
Leave a comment

okay, you had me at “Dear Crummy Drug Commercials”… and sealed the deal with “the Buick Maneuver” (a term i’d never heard before today). couldn’t agree with you more, Crummy(SO not)Joel! the best part of those freaking ridiculous and/or crummy commercials is hearing the list of “possible side affects” and wondering which is worse, the ailment or the cure. oy!

perhaps i’ll hold off “finishing” your humor-blogs joke until Friday (wonder if it’ll have staying power until then?) 😉

Comment by sniffy snuppy

and yes, “sniffy snuppy” will be my moniker today — despite the various medications i’m currently consuming to clear out my sinuses, the mucus has NOT stopped flowing from my nose. truth be told, the only thing that’s happened thus far is that i’m what? that’s right…consitpated. aieeeeeeee! 🙄

Comment by sniffy snuppy

They should make some sort of pill for stupidity, and make everyone who’s ever been talked into a drug by the television take it*. Boy, wouldn’t that be an invention! Republicans would hate it.
I hope you feel better soon, Sniffy Snuppy:)

Comment by actonbell

Do the drug companies make a pill to overcome the effects of nausea from watching the commercials about pills that stop nausea, without having the side effects of nausea?

That sentence makes as much sense as the commercials themselves 🙂

Comment by Duane

My mind boggles over the ones that casually say, “See your Doctor every six weeks for liver screening.” So, if I want to get rid of that nasty yellow fungus under my toe nail, I just take the little pill that kills my liver. Great. When I die of renal failure bury me barefooted with pink polish on my perfect toenails. Hello?!

Comment by QuillDancer

Good point. I just saw Chris Rock ranting about how basically harmless drugs like pot are illegal, but these prescription drugs (that have a list of dangerous side effects a mile long) are not only legal, but pimped on the TV during every commercial break!

Great Crummy letter as usual Joel!

Comment by Harmonica Man

You know Ghallegar had a bit similar to this. He referenced a drug that he called “no burpium.” I should try and find a recording of that now. Funny, Funny guy.

Comment by Jessy Russell

Great. Now I’m stealing my material from Gallagher.

I feel like Elaine with the Ziggy cartoon….

Comment by CrummyJoel

But such a young and now Gallagher, CrummyJoel!

The punchline for your joke: “Instead, it finished the construction of its new house with its tool!”

Hey, get that cane from around my neck – let me leave with dignity!

Comment by Lampsha

PS: Feel better Snuppy! Zircon and elderberry and tea! tea! tea! and of course sympathy 😦


Comment by Lampsha

The possible side effects are always worse than the original ailment.

I prefer ground snake eyes and powdered bar spleen myself.

Comment by Nessa

finish the joke…
because everybody at humor-blogs loves a standing ovation?

I was just in the States a few days ago and I remember being surprised by all those adverts about medications…they are not permitted in Iceland at all. I know there are a few in Germany, but usually about the average headache and painkillers. I think it is dangerous, becuase people never will be a Dr.House without the limb in 30 seconds…

Comment by Penguin

I’m particularly amused by a commercial for one of the chronic constipation drugs that ever so wisely advises the consumer not to take said drug if they suffer from persistent diarrhea.

Like why would they???? And what doctor would prescribe it anyway?

Comment by conundrum

Those drug commercials really make me want to scream. And what’s with all the ambulance chasing lawyers adverising now as well? Anyway, you know who to call when those side effects start to kill you. It’s a way for stupid people to help the economy.

Comment by claire

QuillDancer – FYI, renal failure is a failure of the kidneys. hepatic failure would be failure of the liver. I know, technicalities……

Comment by FYI

yes and when they say “side effects may include” , right then it almost sounds like they speed up the voice so fast that you cant even understand them all…The other ones kill me too, where they start by saying “have you or a loved one recently taken blankety blank?” If so you may be entitled to compensation……jeezzz

Comment by rick

Sorry, that erection thing was my fault. A little too much javascript.

Comment by Diesel

1) On one hand, I’m glad for the FDA regulations that makes them state the side effects (or, really, just plain EFFECTS) if they say what the drug is for. It makes me crazy that the pills sold as “supplements” can get away with the near-microscopic print that “these statements have not been evaluated by the FDA…” even though they can have just as many “side effects” and be even more dangerous as the stuff the drug companies put out.

2) On the other hand, do I really NEED to watch four mature men singing “Viva, Viagara!”??? No, I think not.

Comment by marn

so you take a drug for constipation and it gives you diarrhea? It’s like they can’t even find the happy medium.

It’s like applying WMD’s to a blocked colon. Can’t crap? We’ll just blow the thing open!

@Marn: Worse yet, those middle-aged men are singing about plowing their wives when they get home. TMI!!!

I don’t get it, we have people dying from diseases we should have taken out by now. Instead we concentrate on making sure Baby Boomers can crap and have boners. Not saying that’s a bad thing to fix, just not as high on the priority list.

Comment by Chris C

as a doctor I do hate these commercials so. I prefer my patients take cheap, old medications and save their money for silly things like rent, food &c

Comment by Max

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: