Filed under: crummy letters
I just saw a commercial for a prescription medicine to treat constipation. This commercial made me want this medicine more than anything I have ever wanted in my entire life. What a great life the people who take this medicine lead! Successful in business and commerce, a loving and beautiful family, sparkling white teeth and perfectly pressed clothing, a great set of wheels, living in a perfectly moderate and sunny climate zone…and all this from a constipation medicine??
So, what were the side effects they so very casually mentioned at the end of the commercial? Hmm…. nausea and diarrhea? So my choices are between:
1) Not being able to go at all (painful and sucks, sure).
2) Diarrhea and nausea (still painful and sucks, but now I have to spend the entire day in the can perfecting my Buick Maneuver, not to mention the added benefit of being required to furnish a co-pay for the privelege).
So which is worse? My illness or the side effects of your crummy medicine?
I don’t suffer from constipation, and I am very thankful. However, I’m pretty sure that if I did suffer from it I wouldn’t rely on a television commercial to choose my treatment for me. That’s what doctors are for.
Many of these commercials tell you to “Ask your doctor if (insert ridiculously fake but vaguely Latin-sounding feel-good name of medicine here) is right for you.” I can only imagine that doctors must want to punch people in the face when they come into their office and do this. People watch a 30-second TV clip, spend 26 more seconds on WebMD, and suddenly they think they’re Dr. Gregory House without the limp. Never mind all the years of school plus the internships and clinicals and everything else that doctors have to go through: the celebrity spokesperson made the pretty purple pill appealing, so I want it!
Of course, this is the drug companies’ fault. I’m all for large multi-national corporations making unholy amounts of money, but should companies really be allowed to advertise people into believing they have a need for a narcotic or some other form of prescription medicine with potentially harmful (or really, really gross) side effects? They should make some sort of pill for stupidity, and make everyone who’s ever been talked into a drug by the television take it*.
*Side effects may include smartness, the ability to think for oneself, and/or bleeding from the ears.
PS: Humor-blogs.com once experienced an erection lasting longer than four hours, and did not even seek out a doctor. I’ll let someone else (or maybe everyone else) finish this joke in the comments section.
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