Central Snark

So wait…I wasn’t supposed to use the same password at every website I visited?? by crummyjoel
Tuesday, 22 January 2008, 9:15am
Filed under: crummy letters, funny...

Now you &*%-ing tell me.  Geez.Well, dammit, thanks for telling me now. Don’t you think it’s a little last minute to give me this information now?? Now that my Amazon password has been stolen and $783.57 worth of Broadway soundtracks has been rung up on my American Express?? Don’t you think I could have used this little nugget of information beforehand?!?

I mean, if I saw you pumping gas with your car running AND you were smoking a cigarette, I would certainly say something. I wouldn’t wait until you were incinerated into fiery little pieces along with the gas station and everyone and everything else nearby. I would tell you as soon as I noticed you. As a precautionary measure.

But nooooooo. NOW is the time you choose to tell me that I shouldn’t use the same password at every single online destination. Now that someone has purchased 13 speedometers to 1975 Ford Thunderbirds using my Ebay and Paypal accounts. Now that someone has posted a banner ad for a toe-sucking fetish website on my blog. Now that someone has withdrawn me from my college and enrolled me in a diesel mechanic’s school in Morocco. I can’t go to Morocco for evening classes! Do you even know how far away Morocco is?!?

How the hell was I supposed to see into the future? How was I supposed to know that if someone accidentally stumbled onto my password ONCE it would mean my entire life would be ruined? How was I supposed to know how many different organizations would require a phone call or a hand-written letter (now that my email has a brand spankin’ NEW password that I don’t have the luxury of knowing)? Do you realize that I can’t buy a car now because my credit is shot? Do you realize that my house is for sale?!? I didn’t put my house up for sale. But there’s a picture of it online…and now there’s a real estate agent pounding a sign into my front yard as I type this.

Well, $#!t.

The best part is that I can’t even recall all the different websites I’ve visited in the last 10 years. I can’t cancel the accounts I don’t even remember! So instead I have had to cancel all of my credit cards. My credit blows so hard they won’t let me have new ones so now I have to pay with everything with cash only, which is mighty damn difficult to obtain when your bank account has been completely drained.

I see that I just picked a fight with a former girlfriend over on Classmates.com. Fan-friggin’-tastic. I see that I’ve posted naked pictures of Charlie Sheen over on my favorite sports team’s message boards. Wonderful. Apparently I’ve also entered into a financial arrangement with a Nigerian barrister and owe him $13,000. Terrific.

As for you? I just hope you’re enjoying the internet, what with your different-damn-password-for-every-page-you’ve-ever-visited. I hope to whatever god you worship that your Rolodex falls out of your briefcase and into the hands of the slickest con artist who can take all of your passwords and turn your life into the living hell that mine has turned into.

What’s that? You’re not supposed to keep your passwords in your Rolodex either?

Ah, crap….


(This post brought to you by CrummyJoel and humor-blogs.com. If you’re the random dude whose picture we stole from a Google search, please post a comment and we’ll change the picture to some other random dude whose picture we’ll steal from Google.)

12 Comments so far
Leave a comment

what are you trying to tell us, Crummy (SO NOT) Joel?? that it’s time to change your password? heh… i really thought UMWOLf#1 was pretty damn good. you telling me someone finally figured it out?

i know we’re supposed to use a completely different password for every single site we register on (at? to? in?), but in my ADDled world, that’s just never gonna happen. tellin’ ya, i have enough trouble remembering phone numbers and/or birthdays… ain’t NO WAY i can process dozens of “different” passwords, too.

sorry to hear about your house. that said, my fingers are crossed your “agent” accepts our Very Generous Offer (straight swap, your home for timeshares in Nicaragua). no worries, if we wind up with YOUR property, we’ll be willing to rent… 😉

Comment by One Hot Puppy

Yeah, I just can’t either. I just thought it might be amusing to tell a story about a guy who got burned doing the one thing that everybody does…

Comment by CrummyJoel

This post is very funny but I’m afraid I’m going to have to use your password to replace it with the two-girls-one-cup video. Really, you do need to change your password.

Also, I really like Andrew Lloyd Webber. So sue me.

Comment by Jenny

Not the two girls one cup video/=(

Man, I have a lot of passwords to change.

Comment by Nessa

Then you’re saying I should probably not have my social security number with my initials as my passwords?

Okay, call me gullible – so this did not happen to you and it’s just a little amusing anecdote of what could happen? Pfew.

Comment by Lampsha

I know you’re just joking (and extremely funnily btw funnily?) but for those of you who actually could have this problem… I use this nifty little (free!) tool called Password Safe which allows you to keep encrypted passwords without having to remember them all… blah blah blah.

Sorry about the responsible comment. I used up all my spare humor on my last post.

Comment by Harmonica Man

Oh Internet headaches, don’t talk to me about that…not even in a funny way…well okay, make me laugh, so I can forget all my troubles. 🙂

Comment by Theresa

I like to use things like my birthday mixed with my soc sec number as well as both my first name and last. There is no way a hacker is going to be able to do anything with such basic information. Good luck to them I say!

Comment by Chris C

oh, and on a side note, you guys and gals here at the Snark are due up for an interview in 3 weeks so figure out who’s going to be the lucky soul or unlucky sacrificial lamb. 🙂

Comment by Chris C

I nominate snuppy.

Comment by CrummyJoel

I second that nomination.

Comment by Lampsha

I use a different password at every website, and store them in a password-protected spreadsheet.

Now if I could just remember THAT password.

Comment by Diesel

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