Central Snark

I have $12.48 that says you never saw me at this sports bar… by crummyjoel
Tuesday, 29 January 2008, 8:47am
Filed under: crummy letters, funny...

Oh, hello Susan. Fancy meeting you here. I had no idea that you were such a huge fan of the American sporting scene. Yes, I also thought that I would be working late this evening and unable to make it home until much later. Lucky me, to be able to spend this time among friends at such a quality establishment. Yes, my wife is fine, thanks for asking.

Speaking of my wife: I have $12.48 in my pocket that says you never saw me at this sports bar.

Before you decline my offer of $12.48 in exchange for your silence on the matter of my presence in this sports bar when conversing with my wife, allow me to delineate some of the ways that you might find this $12.48 useful in your everyday life:

1. This $12.48 could purchase you eleven double cheeseburgers from the value menu at your local fast food institution, plus leave plenty of money left over to pay the sales tax and possibly leave a tip. It’s a little known fact that most fast food workers appreciate tips as much as their counterparts in the sit-down dining world. Susan, wouldn’t you like to make a fast food workers day? This seemingly insignificant sum of $12.48 would allow you to do that very thing.

2. If you were able to find a similar sum of $12.48 and pair it with the $12.48 that I am currently offering you, you would be but four small pennies away from purchasing a $25.00 gift card to the retailer or restaurant of your choice. Did you know, Susan, gift cards do not have to be given as gifts? It is a perfectly legal recourse to purchase a gift card and use it on oneself! Imagine the entire universe of possibilities that would open up to you, if only you had this seedling of $12.48 that I am currently scrounging through my pockets in order to piece together!

3. A Pez lunchbox. I am, regrettably, unable to provide you with enough of a nest egg to compensate for shipping charges on said lunch box. You could, however, utilize the “search” function on any popular auction website and possibly find a less expensive lunchbox, one where this $12.48 will provide both for the lunchbox and for your shipping charges.

4. This $12.48 could be used approximately five-and-a-half times on the toll road in Oklahoma named the “Cherokee turnpike”, assuming of course that you were to enter said turnpike at Flint Creek and exit once it met with Interstate 69. Susan, if you are planning a trip to Oklahoma, you should be aware that some of their highways are toll roads. There is nothing worse than requiring change to continue one’s journey and finding oneself without said change. The toll road collectors are quite strict about collecting their tolls. It’s their very job description! This $12.48, which I have nearly completed assembling, would be an excellent insurance against having to end a trip to Oklahoma prematurely.

5. Buskers, Susan. How many times have you walked down the sidewalk and been graced with a rousing rendition of “Oh Susanna” or “Jimmy Crack Corn” and it has made your day a brighter day? Did you realize that these people do not get paid for their street-side performances? Not one dime! These people are relying on the good graces of ordinary citizens like you and I to make their music-making worthwhile. Susan, how would you like to live in a world without buskers? I thought not. With this $12.48, which I am in the process of finding out is made up of considerably more coins than it is bills, you could be sure to have enough spare change to do your part to ensure that we never have a busker shortage in our fair city. Will you do your part, Susan? Will you take this $12.48?

In conclusion, Susan, I am offering you the potentially life changing sum of $12.48 in exchange for your silence, when in conversation with my wife, and the matter of my being at this sports bar on this particular evening comes into play. Allow me to count it out for you.

…Twelve forty three. Twelve forty four. Twelve forty five. Twelve forty six. Twelve forty seven.

Twelve forty seven. That appears to be all that I have.

Susan, I have $12.47 on this bar table that says you never saw me at this sports bar. Allow me, if you will, to delineate the benefits of having this $12.47…


This post brought to you by CrummyJoel and the folks at humor-blogs.com

If you’re the random guy whose picture we stole via a Google image search, please let us know and we’ll replace the picture with some other random guy from a Google image search.

8 Comments so far
Leave a comment

you’ve just entered a whole new territory, (not)Crummy Joel — one that combines the best parts of silliness with obscurity. seriously, i giggled non-stop while reading this, even as i wondered what the “story” was behind this guy’s shameless and/or hapless attempt to bribe “Susan” into keeping her mouth shut. 😉

PS: before today, i had NO idea what a “busker” was. so thanks for that, too! and yes… it would be nice to have that Pez lunchbox, because, damn… it’s very cute!

Comment by snuppy

I couldn’t decide on an ending. Rather than the final couple sentences, I almost went with:

“Susan, do you have a penny I could borrow?”

…which might have been funnier.

Anyhow, this post is miles off of the reservation for me. Hope it’s somewhat enjoyable nonetheless.

Comment by CrummyJoel

i loved the ending… and applaud the effort to deviate from your “norm” (a “norm” — i hasten to add — i adore!) the other ending would have been fine, but this one worked for me!

seriously, this was a fun/funny and amusingly clever post, Joel. WELL DONE! 🙂

Comment by snuppy

$12.48? You think you can buy me for $12.48? Well, Mr. Big Spender, looks like you have a lot to learn about women! HAH! $12.48.

Hmm. What color is the lunchbox? I’ve got a pair of Pez shoes, and…

Comment by susan

The whole time I was reading I kept hearing Whimpy’s voice from Popeye, “I’ll pay you on Tuesday…”

Comment by nessa

Hey, I know that random guy and he has a mean temper…psych! Now, about that Pez lunchbox…

Comment by Theresa

I would love to live in a world without Buskers, thank you for asking! (That is only because I once got sucked in to a completely humiliating “audience participant” role at an ill-fated trip to the riverfront in Windsor, ONT…)
Funny stuff!

Comment by emily

Oh this was funny. Nothing says fun like a desperate man.

Comment by littlebluepill

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