Central Snark


Tom… Tom… Tom… by Snuppy
Thursday, 31 January 2008, 10:16am
Filed under: funny...

L. Ron Hubbard SOMETIMES ya just gotta say… What the fuck???

THAT’S right, we just turned a swell line from Risky Business into a rather foul sounding question. Why? “Why”, indeed. Is it because we’re wondering why our “rankings” on Humor-blogs.com are so suck? No. Although, now that we mention it, we are a bit flummoxed. After all, we link and we link ’til we’re red in the finger and/or blue in the face…to no avail. Poor unfunny us. Apparently we need to feature pictures of sperm swimming into an SUV and then post 4 or 5 stories a day about kid vomit and/or deleted posts in order to climb back up to the top 10. Right. In the words of George Herbert Hedgehog Walker Smythe Washington Bush, “Na ganna doit“. Besides, we figure the “fuck” with our abysmal HB standing is, in fact, your fault, in that none of you kids bother to click the link as often as we think you should. Still, today’s WTF isn’t about our insecurities OR your inabililty to follow the rules, it’s about… Thomas Cruise Mapother IV. Because, quite honestly, we’re more than a little confused by his recent behavior, and, as such, we really want to know: what the Wide Wide World of Fuck is going on.

WERE we to spy the diminutive actor on the street, we’d march straight up to his scrawny ass, stoop down a little in order to look him in the squinty eye, grab on to his tiny lapels, and say something like:

Yo, Tom. Tommeee. Tommy-Tom-Tom. Tomma Little Teapot. Tomma Lamma Ding-Dong. The Tominator. Fried Green Tom-atoes. Tom to Listen up, Mr. Thumb-ass (we do like the puns), we “get” that you’re “enthusiastic” about your Life and/or “religion”, Tommy Boy, but seriously… now that we’ve watched your rantings (and/or ravings?) about your “religion”, Inquiring Former Fans want to know: What. The. Fuck?” (naturally, our mascaraed eyes would be wide with disbelief, and we’d blink rapidly a few times, for effect.)

UNFORTUNATELY, that’s na ganna happen.

AS you have, by now, surmised, we’re not aching to query the lad for the same reasons we wanted to confront him a few months ago (Katie? Oprah?? Matt Lauer’s Interview? Vanilla Sky? Yeesh, we could go on and on, but we won’t). Nope. We have a Shiny New Reason for wanting to speak with Mr. Cruise. A reason, we hasten to add, that was NOT plucked outta thin air (where Tom’s “religion” seems to have been born). No-siree. As we mentioned in our imaginary conversation with the toothy star, we found the need to ask our Very Important Question after viewing the following video featuring Scientology’s greatest asset. Such a disturbing sight, this video. So disturbing, in fact, it’s caused us to hastily cancel our membership to the Tom Cruise Fan Club, melt down our RayBans, and toss our unopened DVD of Mission Impossible into the trash can. Because… damn.

DO we think you should waste your time watching the entire 9 minutes of the above Manic Man Musings? No. Do we think you should waste a few minutes watching the version actor Jerry O’Connell did a few days ago? Hell yeah… Sadly, we were unable to post the video directly to the page — just click on the picture below and enjoy. We know we did.

jerry o'connell

PS to you “purists” out there, who hate our snarky video-driven posts: When we see an especially funny video stopped by the side of the internet… we have to post it. We have to. Because, if we don’t, no one else will. That’s why we’re here. To make a difference. And post funny videos. And, once in a while, to mock big actors who are, in reality, only 4 feet tall*. The minute you figure that out, you’ll be, like, WNIGI — Wow, Now I Get It. Then it’ll be, like… pooooooooh.

~snuppy

Everyone’s a little “crazy” at HUMOR-BLOGS.COM. But that’s… OK.

*We once stood next to Tom at the bakery counter in our local grocery store. We offered him a cookie, because we thought he was a kid. He was not amused. On the other hand, we were.

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15 Comments so far
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many of you guys have already seen this, but since i wrote this piece a few days ago, and don’t really have time to come up with anything else, i’m sticking it up here, anyway. (hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to schlepp i go!) sue me. guessing the Scientologists will, as soon as they realize i’m mocking them AND their fair-haired boy. d’oh! πŸ™„

and PS — if you haven’t see it, trust me, that Jerry O’Connell video is hilarious. i’ve watched it several times, and it never fails to crack me up. (especially after i saw Tom Cruise, in the original.) if you have time, the “outtakes” are pretty funny, too.

Comment by snuppy

wow. tough crowd today.

oh well, as long as I’M amused, it’s all good. and trust me, despite the fact i had to whip this effing thing up before beginning my daily reginme of schleppery, i DID laugh, long AND hard (that’s what she said)

apparently Diesel’s right, you guys DO hate me videos. d’oh! 😳

Comment by snuppy

Who knew Tom had the weight of the world on his shoulders…no vacations…his work is never done because only he(they) can do it…yikes, reason enough not to join. Love the parody…brave.

Comment by BoBo

I sure hope if I get in a car accident that Tom’s around, since he’s apparently the only person who can help me. I don’t want any of those pesky EMT people getting in the way. Tom, oh Tom, you scare me so. The O’Connell video is spot on. He’s got crazy Tom down pat.

Comment by Kathy

Tom Cruise sounded like a damn Nike commercial in that video. “Do it.” “Learn it.” What exactly was he talking about anyway? Picking up trash? Idgi.

Comment by Politically Blonde

“You are either on board, or you are not on board”

ring a bell with anyone?

“You are either with us or against us!”

What if Tom was president?

That dude is off with the fairies, when he really should have gone with teh lepricorns πŸ™‚

Comment by Penguin

oh and I forgot to mention, i loved both videos πŸ™‚

First one freaked me out, second one restored faith in humanity πŸ™‚

Comment by Penguin

Jerry could have been channeling Tom. That was hilarious in a creepy sort of way.

Comment by QuillDancer

Stop it! Yesterday it was the lego thing. Today after scanning the tube and seeing Top Gun is on AMC,and MI2 is on telemundo I come here to find a post about Tom Cruise.

Get out of my head!!

Comment by Chris C

On a side note, Jerry O’Connell is one of my favorite actors. He’s not Hollywood like the rest of them and that video he did was hilarious.

Comment by Chris C

I like videos. Tom is weird. Jerry is funny.
Hey my underage son was given a free beer on his flight to Sac today, cuz he was a gentleman and moved so a couple could sit together. Should I complain to the airline? I don’t have anything else to do.

Comment by claire

The Jerry O’C video was right on!

My h-b rank plummeted, too. I think there are some new kids on the block, which is good. But as they say, it’s just an honor to be nominated.

Comment by Deb on the Rocks

BoBo: the “no vacation” thing explains a lot. poor guy. πŸ™„

Kathy: maybe that’s what Scientologists do in their spare time… drive ambulances?? just a thought… 😐

Political Blond: when i first read your comment i thought you wrote Nazi — which was troubling-yet-hilarious. IDGIE. not sure i want to. πŸ˜‰

Penguin: can we send him to Iceland? oh, and i’m SO glad you enjoyed the vids! i tell ya, i’ve watched the parody a number of times, and it always cracks me up! πŸ™‚

Quilly: heh. yeah, i’m thinking “hilarious-yet-creepy” is a great way to describe Tommy Boy, as well! aieeeeee. πŸ™„

Chris: Jerry O’Connell is great. as for staying out of your head? no… YOU stay out of OUR head! πŸ˜‰

Claire: i came thisclose to using your question in today’s (Friday’s) post. if your son was, say, 8, i think you’d have a good reason to complain. (unless he was being noisy, in which case a few stiff drinks were probably necessary. kidding, i kid) you know why you can’t complain? because, if you do, you’ll wind up with a red-flag next to your name, and every time you travel you’re gonna wind up getting a cavity search. also, crappy seats. pretty sure it’s not worth it. (unless it’s a big problem for you, in which case, yeah) good luck with that, and keep us posted! πŸ™‚

Deb: what the f*ck is UP with those flipping rankings, anyway??? that said, i agree with ya, girlfriend, it’s an honor to be on that sidebar, no matter where we happen to land. (more or less…) πŸ˜‰

Comment by snuppy

The Jerry O’Connell video is hi-lar-ee-us.

Bruce Willis and Demi Moore said we’re not allowed to pick on TC for his religion. This is America and he’s an actor constantly putting himself in the public eye, so he deserves our respect. Plus, his 12 year old wife has a vacant look in her eye, so TC has every right to be “enthusiastic.”

Comment by nessa

I enjoy watching Tom Cruise’s movies. I think that he is a very professional, gifted actor.

Comment by Riley Luci




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