Central Snark


Help! by Snuppy
Friday, 1 February 2008, 10:20am
Filed under: funny..., Sex, Ed?

Dear Aunt BEaPERHAPS you hadn’t heard, but over the years, we’ve become something of a magnet for people in desperate need of answers. It’s getting so we can’t walk outside without being swarmed by individuals bombarding us with queries (hey, Mr. Annoying Guy on our front lawn: we’ll pay those bills when we’re good and ready). Still, along with the occasional question about money (cash, check or credit card?) we frequently find ourselves inundated with unsolicited pleas from strangers on the street asking us for help in Various and Sundry Areas (No, we can’t move our car. Yes, we do get our hair done locally. No, our contact lenses are not tinted to this “particular” shade of blue. Yes, we do know which aisle the Depends are on. No, we can’t take time to fill out your stupid petition, Senator). Alas, no one’s asked us for advice around here, but, if you know anything about us (and you probably don’t) we’re not going to let that stop us from casting out a few pearls of wisdom.

FOR the record (which could very well wind up being read to a jury of our peers): Yes, we did find the following Real Q’s from Real People after doing an extensive 12 second Google search. And, no, not one of ’em actually asked for our help. We call those things “details”. With luck, no one will ever find out what we’ve said about them behind their hapless and/or helpless backs… (if it makes any of YOU feel better, think of this bit o’ Q & A as Aunt Bea’s ADDled Advice. That’s what we plan to do, should we attempt this “feature” again)

***     ***     ***     ***     ***

Aieeee!

My husband wants to go on a dangerous expedition. I am so afraid he will never come home. He has always been an outdoor lover and has taken many trips, but this trip will tax him maximally. People have died. He says he wants to go now before we have children. What can I do to stop him? ~ Pretty Polly in Poughkeepsie

Helpful Response:

This is a tricky situation many a young couple have faced. We know because we, too, were half of a young couple when our (ex) husband decided to “spread his wings” in order to “see the world” before we “had kids”. He said he wanted to live dangerously, and we completely understood. Funny how his desire to experience an adrenalin rush turned to terror when we locked him in the basement the night he first brought up the subject. Long story short… once the inquiry was over, and the attorney’s fee was paid, we wound up with a sweet settlement that’s kept us in Aquanet and Chamomile Tea since 1963.

Still, Polly — if that’s who you are — not everyone is in possession of a properly sealed off basement. If you fall into that category, might we suggest chaining Mr. Dangerous Expedition to the radiator? Either that, or make an effort to grab a bit o’ his sperm while the gettin’s good. Trust us, nothing says “let’s make a baby” like soft music, a glass of wine and a turkey baster. So what if Mr. Honey, I Need More Danger is swimming with the sharks off the coast of Brazil? With luck, and one good spurt, you’ll soon be experiencing the joys of morning sickness while, at the same time, bemoaning your bulging belly, despite the fact you’ve only been pregnant for a little over a week.

By the time your husband returns, he’ll wonder what you needed him for in the first place… and so will you.

Oh-Nooooo!

Help! I’m a middle-aged man who has been married for 20 years. I own a duplex in a nice neighborhood. Last week, I put an ad in the paper and a 21-year-old woman came to look at the upstairs apartment. The problem is, I found her attractive and had sex with her downstairs while my wife was not home. What should I do? ~ Couldn’t Help Myself in NY

Helpful Response:

Could you “help” yourself if you lived somewhere else? Kidding. We Kid.

This is a tricky situation many a middle-aged man has faced. We know, because we, too, were a middle-aged man in a past life. Oh the fun we used to have, chasing 21-year old women through the Halls of Montezuma. Thank goodness our loving wives (Celestiña, Carmen, you know who you were) never found out. Of course, they did try to chain us to the Stone of Tizoc one night, but we managed to escape, thanks in no small part to the key we kept hidden in the heel of our snake skin sandal. Good times… But, as we’re wont to do when channeling our inner Aztec warrior, we digress. What should you do? Take a good long look in the mirror, bub. That’s the face of a middle-aged asshole. The question is not “what should YOU do”, the question is “what will your WIFE do once she finds out?” Because she will find out.

PS: What kind of rent are you charging, and does it include utilities? Also, does the apartment have a radiator?

Arggh!

Aren’t condoms for sissies? ~ Hot To Trot in Kalamazoo

Helpful Response:

That depends. If by “sissies” you mean “people who hope to contract an STD for the purposes of seeing their own penis break out in a little something our past-life wife, Celestiña, called “burning bumps”, which eventually causes the aforementioned penis to shrivel up and fall on the floor”, then yes. Because, really, when was the last time you heard of someone’s penis falling on the floor? Okay, aside from that Unfortunate Incident when Lorena Bobbitt decided to take John’s fate into her own hands — altho’ in that case, if memory serves — and, according to our medium, Madame Le Foúffe, it does — Little John Bobbitt wound up by the side of the road, in Manassas.

Trust us, Real Men use condors. Nothing says “watch where you put that thing” like a vulture hovering over your dick.

~snuppy (aka: Crazy Aunt Bea)

PS and D’OH! in our haste knock out this “post” we completely forgot what day it is. Thank you, oh wondrous Non-Crazy and/or ADDled TLP for reminding us! (we miss you and are sorry we’ve not been around)

RABBIT RABBIT!!

bunny suicide

(FYI: this picture is one of the many “forms” of Bunny Suicides.)

Answers to Hahaha? are found on HUMOR-BLOGS.COM.

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18 Comments so far
Leave a comment

ever have one of those mornings where, in your head, something seems like tremendous fodder for a completely hilarious post, so you spend a while putting it together, only to discover — too late — it needs work? yeah, that’s never happened to me, either. 😉

Comment by snuppy

Girl you are funny today! I mean, you’re always funny…and I mean that in the best possible way.

Rabbit rabbit!

Comment by tlp

Just read your comment. Listen, this is a great post. No more work needed. (But really, penises do just fall off. Would I lie?

Comment by tlp

TLP: am i a maroon, or WHAT? (i am, i really am). initially, i was going to include a “question” about “Rabbit, Rabbit”, but then it started gettin’ late and i totally forgot!

thank you! and RABBIT, RABBIT to you, too, dear friend! (i really have been missing you. eventually Life — and Blogging will surely get back to “normal”, Shirley. (God i hope so, otherwise i am so screwed) 😉

Comment by snuppy, the d'oh! d'oh!

Oooo, stop being so harsh on the penis. I’m getting sympathy burns.

Comment by Howard

Dear Crazy Aunt Bea, I paused to read Central Snark this morning and am now going to be late for work. What should I do?

Comment by QuillDancer

Rabid Rabbit!

Dear Crazy Aunt Bea,

I am interested in taking off for 2 weeks this summer on my motorcycle with my friends, thereby leaving my wife to handle everything by herself at home while I freeload around the country seeing sites and drinking beer. Is this idea selfish?

Comment by Harmonica Man

Dear Crazy Aunt Bea,
I’m having trouble getting Howard’s burned penis off my mind. Plus when I first read Harmonica man’s comment I just saw the “I am interested in taking off 2….” and I thought he meant inches. Do I have penis brain and if so, how do I keep it?

Comment by tlp

sorry sweety, but you were hilarious and you should know it.

Love the first advice best of all.

radiators, of course. +bangs her own head*

Comment by Penguin

Rabbit, rabbit NBFF! I am in work and it’s crazy right about now so I’ll get to the questions/answers later!

XOX

Comment by Lampsha

Dear Howard: one of my dearest — and gayest — friends once had a friend of a friend who suffered from the same problem. one dab of Desitin… voilá! problem solved!

Dear Quill Dancer: not sure it’s possible to be “late” in Hawaii (i swear they have a whole different “scheduling” system over there.) that said, i think you should do what i do, tell your boss you’re not late… she’s just early. (another concept no one seems to understand over there) 😉

Dear Harmonica Man: make certain the cabana boy’s been paid and get outta there and ride like the wind! ride like you live, bub, hard and fast! trust me, that’s what your wife will be doing with Ramón.

Dear TLP: thinking one of THESE might help.

Dear Penguin: yeah, radiators are awesome. honestly, i don’t know how we managed to raise 2 kids without one. 😉

Dear Lampsha: at work? does that mean you’re finally feeling better?? woohoo to that, NBFF! 🙂

Comment by snuppy

I used to use pigeons, but they just weren’t enough. Then I moved to crows. I’d love to use condors but I understand they are protected, and I wouldn’t want to harm the environment just to get my swerve on. I’m trying to be green but now every time I turn on Animal Planet I get, well, frisky.

Comment by the frogster

Rabbit, rabbit, Snarkers!

Snupps, I never forget you’re funny but that was some special kind of extra funny today. Great job.

Comment by Walela

I’ve just realized I could spend my days making up questions for you to answer. Because I love your answers.

Comment by Jocelyn

I’m always telling people to cover that thing up. You give wise and sage advice. Detached penii are not a laughing matter.

Comment by nessa

By the way, I just read the questions and answers and am cracking up over here. Of course, that is just what my onw ADDled brain needed when I’m supposed to be cooking up a spin.

Say, didn’t you have a musical post lying around somewhere…

Comment by DJ LAMPSHA

Dear Frogster: next time, i think you should try a peacock. (don’t think i don’t wish i hadn’t thought of that when i wrote this post) 😉

Dear Walela: Rabbit, Rabbit to you, too! and thanks for the compliment. don’t think i don’t worry about your own sorry ass. just know i’m here, day and/or night, if you need to “talk” about those issues that plague you like, um, the plague. 🙄

Dear Jocelyn: aw…. don’t be makin’ me blush here, i have enough trouble staying focused without worrying about an exacerbated case of rosacea. 😳

Dear Nessa: unless the aforementioned detached organs are in a box labeled “dildos”. 😉

Dear Lampsha: oh sure, schleep in. leave me holding the spinning bag. like “dizzy”‘s gonna help with that inability of mine to stay focused. oy. 😉

Comment by snuppy

Loved the Bunny Suicides.

Comment by weirsdo




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