Central Snark

A Plan To Revitalize Something Other Than the Economy. by crummyjoel
Tuesday, 5 February 2008, 8:59am
Filed under: crummy letters

With the American dollar plummeting, the US government is desperately seeking a way to turn the economy around and stop the country’s potential slide into an obscurity rivaling that of Belgium, or even Canada. The latest plan, as you have likely heard, is to send every American a “tax rebate” check from anywhere between 300 and 1200 dollars, trusting that Americans will continue their longstanding tradition of pretending the money is on fire and forking it over to the nearest retailer as soon as (or, better, before!) it comes into their possession.

As with most government plans, this is of course an enormous steaming pile of B.S. Since when does making more of something increase its worldwide value? Imagine for a second if the price of diamonds suddenly started a worldwide freefall. Do you think the DeBeers company’s first recourse would be to open a few dozen of its scores of warehouses filled with blood-encrusted diamonds and start polishing them up to sell them off? Of course not. The diamonds would have already been cleaned of any bloodstains long before they went into the warehouses.

But that’s beside the point. In short, printing up 150 million more American dollars to flood the marketplace isn’t going to cause a mass worldwide stampede to acquire American bills as if they are collector’s items. If things stay the course, America is going to become like Mexico or somewhere where they use trillion dollar bills to hold their used chewing gum. So, I have devised an alternative plan. If the US is going to fall behind in the value of its dollar, it needs to take the lead in some other area where it has traditionally lagged behind.
This area is, of course, the alcoholic content of its beer.

Back in the good ole’ days of the 1990’s, when one American dollar could be exchanged in Canada for six whole beaver pelts, people in border states could drive to Canada and get more drunk for less money. Now, Americans are stuck with a weak dollar AND weak beer, so it costs more money to drown their sorrows about how weak the dollar is and how poor they’ve become. IT’S A VICIOUS, SELF-PERPETUATING CYCLE!

Since the issue of the weak dollar is left in the hands of incompetent bureaucrats (all together now: “As opposed to?”), it’s time for the domestic beer companies to step up, do their duty as Americans, and make a positive change. I demand more alcohol in American beers! Rather than having to purchase 5 expensive Molson Canadians and help fund a moose habitat or something, I want to purchase 4 cheaper Miller Lites and help the Brewers sign a left-handed reliever. And I want to get at least as drunk as I would have with the Molson’s! Rather than purchase 10 Paulaners to get completely plastered and likely bankroll another Nazi takeover of Germany*, I want to purchase only 8 Budweisers so that maybe the city of St. Louis will patch an extra pothole or two in their highways, because, good God, have you even tried to drive through that damn city?!?

The horse is out of the barn. The value of the dollar is plunging. It’s out of our hands. America has been an economic world leader for decades, and that time is passing. It’s instead time to set an example for the world in Affordable Drunkenness © (a term which I have just copyrighted). This is what our great historical figures would have wanted. The Washingtons. The Jeffersons. The Roosevelts. The Kennedys.

Especially the Kennedys.

*Some people will argue that not all major corporations or political figures in Germany are closet Nazis. These people are wrong.


This post brought to you by CrummyJoel (who really actually almost never drinks) and humor-blogs.com

12 Comments so far
Leave a comment

great plan, Crummy (NOT) Joel, but where does that leave a non-drinker, like say, moi? yeesh, sober 30 years (and counting. and yeah, i stopped tipping back brewskys when i was 9…ish) and now i’m faced with the prospect of suffering through this freaking recession sober and alone? not fair, i tell ya, not fair at all.

is there a way to work in chocolate? 😉

Comment by snuppy

But don’t you see? This is a plan to help out the housing market. By making the dollar even more worthless, we can all use them for cheap insulation, thus saving on heating oil. 🙂

Comment by Brian

but if america is turning into mexico, where will all the mexicans go?

Comment by jeremy

If America turns into Mexico, the Americans will go to Mexico while the Mexicans come to Canada and prosper.
By using American notes as insulation and saving on the cost of heating it is possible that people who have mortgages that they can’t afford may be able to keep their homes.
In terms of chocolate, the best is always expensive and imported (if you’re not from Calgary).
And YUCK CrummyJoel… why not great microbreweries instead of those icky tasteless brands of brew?? Subsidize local beer!! Make the potent yet good-tasting option affordable for the (non)working class….

Comment by Suhayla

This is pure satire, as I almost never drink a beer. When I do, it’s always a microbrew (there’s a local one here in Nashville called “Yazoo” that I like to support. When I provided nourishment at my Super Bowl party I got Flying Dog…you get the idea).

Comment by CrummyJoel

I’m sorry Joel, I’ve been saving my money and in doing so, screwing the economy all to pieces. I will spend it all as soon as I can get to ebay.

Comment by BrentD

I don’t know what you’re talking about in St. Louis. I think they do a fine job of covering up their potholes with large slippery sheets of steel. This is a lot cheaper than actually repairing the problem AND it give the motorcyclist the exciting challenge of trying to make the 3/4″ jump onto them when changing lanes and not sliding to your death when they’re wet!

Comment by Harmonica Man (Jeff)

good thing i’m moving to canada in 2 weeks…

Comment by Brandon T Milan

Joel, I found a solution. Namely, get paid in Euros! Assuming your employer won’t go for that, try to negotiate getting paid in beer. That way, no matter how the dollar fluctuates (read as: plummets) you’ll always be able to get as drunk as before. Genius? Yes, I thought so. *bow*

Comment by I Dive At Night

Darn, I just read the other comments. Now I feel really guilty for my lifestyle. I get paid in Euros, drink the finest Dutch, German, and Belgium beers (fresh) and have unlimited access to quality chocolate at “Low Low Prices!”

I know, I’ll clear out the storage locker in the basement so I can host refugees. That’ll make me feel more useful. I expect the exodus to begin shortly.

Comment by I Dive At Night

If what you say is true about America becoming the new Mexico, then I look forward to the prospect of trillion dollar gum wrappers. Because I, personally, happen to chew a lot of gum.

Comment by Politically Blonde

which Kennedys?

these ones ?


Comment by nursemyra

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