Filed under: BoheMia Rhaps
THIS JUST IN: Please keep your thoughts and prayers with our dearest Neva and Joel as their son undergoes emergency back surgery… may all be well, may all GO well for Son #2 and may he emerge from his surgery with nothing but the best prognosis possible… you are in our thoughts and prayers OH SO MUCH…
And please keep in mind this utterly silly post was simply a 5 minute thing whipped up to make up for the fact that no post was up… something that indeed caught our bohemian attention and had us worried that something was up and sadly… so let us lighten up the mood, let us create laughter and share jokes and whatever mirthful thoughts come to mind and let us collectively send them over to our dear Snarksters Neva, Joel and sons in this trying time in the hopes that whatever possitivity we can conjure up together may serve as some form of help, if any…
Fresh from a 6:30 am Ashtanga Yoga class, I figured some Iranian humor from part Iranian me might be in order…
GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN:
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently aging but still warm and a desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wide with borders now un-patrolled.
After 70, she becomes Tibet . Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages…only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
GEOGRAPHY OF MEN:
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran . Ruled by a Dick .
PARAMPAMPAM! Whomever said that email forwards don’t come in handy was most definitely NOT a blogga! So yeah, that’s all you get! And with that, come on say it with me now…
BoheMia OUT!
Yes, ’tis me, Catty Yummy Mummy, (and yes, I am shamelessly plugging myself as I am back in the blogosphere after a 15 day hiatus, or did you not notice dammit, and much plugging is needed, I am afraid, in order to be back in the game *sighetty sigh* and all that jazz) and, once again, I am here in a completely unoriginal manner, stealing much amazing content from my dear friend Pink Drama, and have nothing much to add as an intro but can you blame me? Pissing on oneself out of sheer laughing-one’s-ass-off mirth can do that to the best of bohemians I am afraid! So read up, and piss away with me why dontcha?
October 2002
Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It’s funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination – Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?
Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? – Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted fan,
Jim
Run, run, RUUUUN to the bathroom NOW! As for me, off I go to the goddamn dentist for oral activity of the not-so-pleasurable kind. *sigh* But first, some dry pants are in order! Ay!
And with that, yep, you got it…
BoheMia OUT!
Hola Snarksters! Yep, ’tis me, the almost-vanished-but-not-quite-gone-as-I-am-fighting-to-make-it-back-and-so-I-will-and-I-shall-and-I-MUST-DAMMIT Catty Yummy Mummy, or Miz BoheMia, whatever and blah, blah, blah and yeah, as you can see, oh so eloquent am I! SO… for all you faboo Snarksters who are as eloquent as I am, read up, flex those mouth muscles and get ready for an adventure in English pronunciation, stolen fair and square from here!
Ready?
Set?
GO!
Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, & worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it’s written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation’s OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation — think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won’t it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It’s a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough —
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!
Oooh! Faboo indeed! Now do it again! Only this time, open up them bocas and say it loud and PROUD! And if anyone questions you, tell them if Miz BoheMia does it, it’s all cool… yeah, a lesson in self confidence is next but for now, get back to enunciating and pronunciating bitches!
As for me, you know the drill!
BoheMia OUT!
Filed under: BoheMia Rhaps
SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only! fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age!
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
“Stewardesses” is the longest word typed with only the left hand and
“lollipop” with your right.
The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The sentence: “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every letter of the alphabet.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
The words ‘racecar,’ ‘kayak’ and ‘level’ are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language which end in “dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: “abstemious” and “facetious.”
There’s no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; ! otherwise it will digest itself.
………….Now you know everything
And with that…
BoheMia OUT!
Filed under: BoheMia Rhaps
Seeing that I have yet to physically travel back home to San Francisco, I thought I would share a head trip or fifteen with y’all… that being the current cuckoo state bohemians are in so come on, we all need a good mind fuck screw every now and then!
You should see 7 horses in this picture…
Look at the middle column. Where does it end?
One time I read that you should see at least 9 people, while another time I read 11. Well, go for the max I say! Hooah!
A face?… Or the word LIAR?
What do you see here, the word LIFT or a bunch of black splotches?
I am biting my tongue with regards to the grammatically incorrect instructions below… BITING MY TONGUE I SAY!
Yeah… I really have no words in my mind… too fried… WHAT? You mean this wasn’t enough??? P-SHAW! Happy Wednesday fruitcakes! And with that, yeah, you know the drill…
BoheMia OUT!
Filed under: BoheMia Rhaps
Yep… ’tis me, BoheMia, so RUN FOR THE HILLS cause there’s more philosophisin’ comin’ your way dammit! But what do you expect? My life is topsy turvy, upside down, completely uncertain, and I am at a major crossroads in life so if you expect me to shoot the shit I will most likely shoot you! GRRRR!
Oh wait… kitty cat here so purrrr and all that. COME BACK! I WON’T BITE! I PROMISE! Well, at least not today…
See, being at a crossroads where life is topsy turvy, upside down and completely uncertain is something I am used to… and I have not always handled such moments with the utmost of grace… oh no! But they have never been a waste either because I have had the good fortune to have enough of my wits about me in order to learn from these so-called “mistakes”… yeah, in quotes because I believe that if something arising out of our very own choices “fails”, that it is all a part of the bigger plan that we ourselves at some point, somewhere, sometime, mapped out for ourselves…. and if we learn from it, squeeze out some juicy wisdom from these supposed failures, then what the hell is there to cry about ’cause it’s all good!
My life in nonsensical Spain is suddenly garnering quite a bit of meaning… in the very midst of the topsy turvyness, upside downness and uncertainty of it all… and I find myself laughing, feeling hopeful, feeling confident that my vision of what is to come shall and will come true in spite of the fact that we seem to be temporarily engulfed by some darkness… temporarily being the key word here… the path to my desire is gonna be hard, it is probably gonna entail a crash or two with regards to my expectations, but I know I will persevere and not give up and this new drive, this new hope and this spirit is something I am thankful for and something that I was not at all alone in achieving no….
A very Snarkster of our own, a dear one with a heart as deep as the universe is vast, miraculously (or not… for there is no such thing as a coincidence we believe) appeared in my life and through many a conversation I have been blessed to have with said Snarkster, she shared tidbits of her life with me (Hey! Lay off! Bohemians don’t talk and tell! PSHAW!) that have worked wonders in fostering this unwavering hope that has taken a hold of me…
So Snuppy my dear, thank you… your beautiful words, the sharing of your vulnerable moments and hardships overcome and such similar stories which you so freely gave me free acess to, along with your delightfully contagious laughter, have worked wonders on this bohemian’s soul and mindset and are all moments that have not and will not go to waste for that is how dear they are to me I tell you… oh the miracles that arise out of a little bit o’ foreskin I tell you (yes, an inside thing but yes, you can ask…) and I carry this wisdom that you have imparted upon me with me at all times, hold it close to my heart and damned will I be if ever I give up! DAMNED I TELL YOU!
There could be loads more and much mushier stuff too because, well, bohemians are heartfelt like that and all but… ’tis time to shine the spotlight on you, dear gathered Snarklings! So come on and dish… what situations have you been in that warranted inspiration and/or help? Who or what helped you move on out of the tupsy turvy, upside down and uncertain aspect of it all? Who do you just loooooveeee and appreciate and think to be utterly fabulous just as I do Snuppy? WHO? So come on people! Live it up, have a sample, or ten, from our delicious buffet, kick back, relax and yeah, DISH DAMMIT!
And with that, yeah, you got it…
BoheMia OUT!
Filed under: BoheMia Rhaps
BREAKING NEWS!!! THIS JUST IN!!! Our only male resident Snarkster, the fabulous-and-so-far-behind-the-scenes-big-honcho-who-makes-sure-we-keep-things-running-smoothly-at-the-Snark-or-else Bobo is celebrating today!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY OH BOBO OF THE BANJOEYS!
SO COME ON AMIGOS AND PARTAY! And if the mood strikes ya, there is some reading down below… but before you do that, here is a little something for Bobo from his sweet lady love! Live it up you crazy pups!
*************************************
Well, this was yet another improvised blog post that I had put up last Sunday. WHAT? Yeah, don’t look so shocked. It didn’t sing to me so down it came. But bohemians are good at tweaking and though still not a golden deluge o’ words that we all, I am sure, aim for, it’ll do! DAMMIT! It’s Friday! What do you expect from me? WHAT? LET ME BREATHE!
Ok. On with the show.
Whilst in downward dog, breathing away and hearing the delightful cracking in my back as my spine became aligned, I veered away from the world on my mat, bad bohemian that I am, and into philosophical ground.
Being a firm believer in karma (you know, what goes around comes around; if you create positive energy so shall you receive it and if you create negative energy, well, you get the point, right?) in reincarnation, in there existing a need and a duty to foster compassion and that if we give something our all, no matter how dire a situation might be or how hard things may seem, that we must know it all to be a test and that if we persevere and face these tests head on, the universe will respond in kind and lend that long awaited helping hand. Along the way, my beliefs have been put to the test time and time again and mostly, have stood the tests that they have been subjected to.
Life has been crazy yet kind enough, for these tests are all valuable you see, to supply us with enough rough patches that have tested, and continue to test, our resolve. There have been times that I have drowned in a sea of despair. Temporarily so though because drowning simply ain’t my thang… but to make it out of the water I had to rely on that wiser, fearless, inner voice, open my mind and my heart and really listen whilst taking that plunge into that often fearful unknown only to be met with wonderful rewards for a fight well fought.
So yeah, DESPAIR BE GONE! GONE I SAY!
Sometimes I find an answer in something as simple as silence… just silence…. other times hope and inspiration strike me smack dab in the middle of my stubborn forehead in the midst of the greatest hustle and bustle… my moments on my mat, breathing my worries away (or at least trying damn hard to) can serve its purpose and deliver unto me great peace or bring out a host of emotions and render me a sobbing idiot there on my very mat, on the livingroom floor, for all the bohemians to see… You see, sometimes it is in tears themselves that the greatest joy is found while plentiful laughter may prove to be fluff and hold nothing of value at its core…
So what am I saying? What am I getting at? I don’t know! Why? Am I supposed to do this end of the leg work too? P-shaw! GET TO WORK SNARKSTERS! So, here is where y’all come in…
What do you do when you are trying to make sense of the senseless? How do you live through your moments of joy and sorrow? What is your value system? What pulls you through the darkness? Wherein lies your hope? Any inspirational stories to share?
Go on, you know you want to dish!
As for me, I have a personal answer to each of these questions that works for me and I admit to having been blessed many times, throughout the course of my life, with many little miracles that have come knocking on my door, unannounced, if not as an aswer or a solution to my problems du jour then as simple markers that whispered to me that I was on the right path and in doing so added a flame to the ever-increasing number of candles in a night that would someday be illuminated yet again into day… yeah, little whispers along the way…
But I shall leave all that for the comments as this is about you, and us and me… but not up here. So, let’s take the plunge and I’ll see you down below!
And with that…
BoheMia out!
Filed under: BoheMia Rhaps
I am in LOVE with this woman! LOVE I SAY!
Jocelyn, I’ll be yo bitch FO SHO!
How’s that for a post?
Now, whose bitch would you be? Where the lovin’ at and for whom or for what? Hmmm? No specific thread here… can be movies, TV, actors, writers, crushes, memories of… come on! Could this be any easier? NOW DISH!
And with that,
BoheMia OUT!
Filed under: BoheMia Rhaps
In this world of conflict, of harsh, stark realities where our differences are literally deadly, I say we focus on what brings us together, on that one common element that serves as a base element that reduces our differences, our self-imposed boundaries and all conflict-inducing agents to dust!
Yes, we come in all shapes and sizes, tall and small, round and flat, dark and light… we crave and desire opposing things, wealth/piety, sweet/sour, an extravagant life/a humble life, noise/quiet, small tits/big tits… you get my drift…
But what is the tie that binds I ask? WHAT?
Ah Snarksters! No worries and what’s more, no need to think on this here fine Saturday I tell you for I, wise bohemian that I am, have that answer for you… Ready?
HUMAN FOLLY.
Well, not the big K-POW of realization and enlightenment that I had hoped for, COME ON PEOPLE DON’T LOOK SO DAMN GLUM, because there is more… yes, this ain’t called the Saturday Confessional (stuff it! I ain’t religious so I am not gonna get the day right so pfffft!) for nothin’!
Yes, you heard right, ’tis time to fess up! What ties you in to the human race and proves to us, that Man! That dude/dudette is stoooooopid! Huh? WHAT I ASK?
What? Me say something? Hmmm….
Well, my grandma once told me that if I broke a branch on a tree I loved climbing I would be banned from the tree. That day I broke the biggest branch and in a panic, rushed over to the vacationing neighbor’s yard and dumped the evidence right there, for no one to see… LYING BOHEMIAN!
I have been known to steal a thing or two… ahem, ahem… *hangs head in shame*… STEALING BOHEMIAN!
As a kid I thought it best that my duckling go for a swim in the dead of winter so I flung her into the pool, almost killing her as she quacked away for dear life until my mother came to the duckling’s rescue… STUPID AND MURDEROUS BOHEMIAN!
As a new mother, I miscalculated the distance of the bedroom door from our loftbed and as I stared at my sweet newborn, BAM went her sweet little head against the bed…FUCKING-PIECE-OF-SHIT-CHILD-ABUSING-IDIOT-BITCH-MOTHAFUCKING-ASSHOLE-OF-A-PATHETIC-EXCUSE-OF-A-PERSON-NOT-EVEN-DESERVING-TO-BE-CALLED-A-PERSON-AND-LEAST-OF-ALL-A-MOTHER-GODAMMIT BOHEMIAN!
Well, you get the drift! Now come on and DISH I TELL YOU! DISH!
As for me, BoheMia out!
Filed under: BoheMia Rhaps
Ok! Fresh off a nap and mind functioning as lucidly as is humanly possible, in-spite-of-the-fact-that-there-is-a-resident-three-year-old-regressing-to-the-sleep-habits-of-a-three-month-old-in-the-land-o’-BoheMia-who-makes-this-thing-called-sleep-a-joke-A-JOKE-I-SAY, here I find myself on this groggy fine Friday morning, ready to help out the fabulous resident Lady Snarksters I-love-oh-so-much-it-borders-on-the-psychotic-but-hey-that-is-what-you-get-with-bohemians with a much-needed break through this here meant-to-be-brief-and-to-the-point-and-yes-yours-truly-IS-capable-of-keeping-things-brief-dammit-so-stop-looking-at-me-that-way, *deep breath*, post!
So let’s get to it people! Crazy, by Gnarles Barckley, is stuck in my head, courtesy-of-Loverboy-who-for-some-reason-stares-at-me-during-the-song-and-what-is-with-that-man-I-ask-WHAT, and I figure that I cannot be alone in this so dish snarksters, DISH! Let us talk musica! What’s your poison? And be daring! Expand the thread and make it all things good, bad, cheesy, crass, guilty pleasures, sensual ooohs and to that add midnight madness moments courtesy of the mini-me’s called kids or life in general, yeah nothing to do with music but we can do that you know? YEAH BABY YEAH!
Come on and FUNK IT UP PEOPLE!!!
And there! Voila on the brief and to the point post! HAH! And some said it could not be done! FOR SHAME! And with that…
BoheMia out!
Central Snark 