Central Snark


Happy Life Day! by crummyjoel
Tuesday, 16 October 2007, 8:00am
Filed under: cracks us up, crummy letters

Okay, Kalfu’ur admit it. Kalfu’ur have no idea what day is now according to calendar on Kashyyyk. Long deep-space travel to earth totally messed up Kalfu’ur’s inner calendar. Could be middle of mating season (would explain Kalfu’ur’s unnaturally greasy hair right now). Could be middle of harvest season (would explain why Kalfu’ur have desire to uproot every tree Kalfu’ur sees).

Kalfu’ur prefer to think of it as Life Day season, though. So Kalfu’ur would like to wish every user of Inter-net a Very Happy Life Day.

What? You never hear of Life Day? Watch and learn then. This special created by my ancestor Chewbacca, Magnificent One (May His Fur Always Be Ruffled) to explain to friends Life Day. With special guest apperance by BeaArthur, Golden One, and JeffersonStarship, Should’veStayedAirplane Ones.

(Snif)….Sorry, Kalfu’ur get emotional seeing other Wookies having such fun on Life Day. Please give Kalfu’ur a moment.

Kalfu’ur OK now.

So there Life Day in nutshell. Even if not technically Life Day right now, may all Inter-net users honor Life Day in hearts, and try to keep all year. Kalfu’ur shall live in Past, Present, and Future of Life Day. Spirits of all Three shall strive within Kalfu’ur. Kalfu’ur will not shut out lessons they teach.

Now if please excuse Kalfu’ur, Kalfu’ur must go find cute Yorkshire Terrier he found MySpace page for on Inter-net. Kalfu’ur’s hair must be greasy for reason.

Always Life Day at humor-blogs.com

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Guest Poster: Kalfu’ur, Dauntless One by crummyjoel
Tuesday, 9 October 2007, 8:24am
Filed under: cracks us up, crummy letters

* this post is translated from Shyriiwook


<Greetings, users of Inter-net. My name Kalfu’ur, Dauntless One. Though you may address me simply as Kalfu’ur. Kalfu’ur a Wookie, and distant relative of most revered Wookie: Chewbacca, Magnificent One (May His Fur Always Be Ruffled). Can see similarity particularly around jaw line.>

< Wookies historically good bounty hunters. Spend formative years on Kashyyyk, learning bowcaster skills, channeling rage, and mastering fine art of removing limbs from bodies with maximum pain and suffering. Unfortunately, market for bounty hunters not what it was back in days of great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great>

Editor’s note: Wookies have no direct translation for “etc.”, nor do they utilize ellipses, and they tend to be very specific when describing generational relationships. Please envision 3,159 more “great’s” before the next word:

<grandfather Chewbacca, Magnificent One (May His Fur Always Be Ruffled). Kalfu’ur traveled to this galaxy in search employment, and spent little time helping man named Orenthal, Juicy One hunt something called “Real Killers”. But market for bounty hunters still quite small here and now, in galaxy much, much closer. Therefore Kalfu’ur have sought new work.>

<Come to find out, there much need for hired muscle around Inter-net. Much like Force, Inter-net have light side and dark side. Hairless man named Joel, Crummy One hire me to police dark side of Inter-net. Joel, Crummy One think too many people creating alternate personas in order to maximize Inter-net exposure. Joel think alternate personas just flimsy excuse to over-expose primary persona to rest of Inter-net! Though hairlessness sign of weakness on Kashyyyk, Kalfu’ur agree with Joel!! Joel, Crummy One hire Kalfu’ur to destroy all alternate personas everywhere on Inter-net!!>

(Unintelligible Wookie War-Bellow)

<Kalfu’ur stop silly alternate personas! Kalfu’ur not understand them! They not same as when Chewbacca, Magnificent One (May His Fur Always Be Ruffled) pretended to be prisoner in order infiltrate Death Star. Or when He pretended to be prisoner in order infiltrate Jabba’s Palace. (What can Kalfu’ur say? A good plan is a good plan. He “Magnificent One” for a reason!) There no princess in Inter-net! There no carbonite-encased friends! There no handsome bounty for alternate personas!>

(A second unintelligible Wookie War-Bellow)

<So, if anybody see alternate personas running amuck on internet, please tell Kalfu’ur so Kalfu’ur can put end to silliness! Please email kalfuur@gmail.com. Bowcaster trigger finger getting itchy!>

<Looking at post below this one, Kalfu’ur already suspicious.>

(Final, definitive, Wookie War-Bellow)

PS: <Humor-blogs.com say “Imitation sincerest form flattery”>

PPS: <May force be with Snuppy’s son in continued recovery.>



America’s Number One Threat by crummyjoel
Tuesday, 25 September 2007, 6:37am
Filed under: cracks us up, crummy letters

Watch the news these days, and it can be pretty depressing. There seem to be so many threats to our democratic, capitalistic, excessive American lifestyles. These threats frighten me, because I don’t know about you, but if I have to live in a world with less than one Starbucks per corner, I’d rather not go on living at all.

What’s the biggest of these threats? Is it terrorism? Global warming? Nuclear proliferation? The New York Yankees? No. Not even lead-laced, asbestos-filled toys from China can compare to the #1 threat to the utter dominance that America has reigned down on the Western Hemisphere, and yes, the world for lo these many decades.

That threat is: Canada. If your first response is to laugh, you clearly haven’t heard the news: Last week, the Canadian dollar pulled even and briefly passed the American dollar in terms of global value. For perspective, in the nineties the Canadian dollar dipped down into the 60-cent range (that is, one Canadian dollar was worth 60-some American cents).

Look at this picture, America! Gaze fearfully upon your new master:

Yep: A damn duck. A Damn Flippin’ Duck with a Figurehead Queen on the other side just kicked the $#!t out of your Revolutionary-War-Winning-Firstest-Most-Presidenty-President-Ever and his Arrow-Carrying Eagle. “In God We Trust” just got owned by “Take Off, Eh?“. “E Pluribus Unum” just got pantsed by “Passus E Labbatsus“.

Something called a “loonie” is now worth more than the almighty dollar. If this doesn’t cause you to tremble slightly, then you clearly have no idea what is at stake here. Let’s examine what Canada has done correctly (and what the United States has screwed up) over the last few years in order to make up such a huge differential:

  1. The Metric System: Which country is more likely to stubbornly base its measurement system on the length of a long-deceased English king’s foot, well after the rest of the civilized world has changed to a more user-friendly system: The United States or Canada? What sounds like a typically Canadian M.O. (inexplicably sucking up to the Commonwealth) has become an American monument to isolationism. Hey, if you all like dividing by 3 and 12 and 8 and 5280 so much, then feel free. Just know that the Canadians kicked American ass last week because up there they just toss zeroes around like snowballs.
  2. Gross Domestic Product: While the United States has been busy outsourcing every possible job overseas, the Canadians have steadily continued producing and exporting the things they do best. Namely: hockey equipment, beer, and comedians. Some things will always be in demand.
  3. The National Anthem: This is no war-glorifying song about a flag. This is true patriot love, strong, free, standing on guard, glorious and free. A kick-ass national anthem can go a long ways towards your currency’s international value. Here’s some indication of how proud the Canadians are of their anthem. Just a little frightening, no? Are you telling me these people wouldn’t cross a southern border armed only with snow shovels if called upon? Hmmmm??? Food for thought….
  4. No Stupid Two Party System: Ever feel that neither the Republicans nor the Democrats accurately represent your political views, but you don’t feel like wasting a vote on a third-party stiff? Join the other 300 million of us. Canada has it right, though. Apparently in Canada, the only thing you need to have your own viable political party is a logo and a funny powdered wig (and even the logo is optional). Hell, they even have an actual political party that speaks a totally different language and whose stated goal is to split the country apart…and that party wins actual seats in the actual government!! How cute is that?!? It’s that kind of forward-thinking openness that endears Canada to the rest of the world and causes its currency to rise in value.
  5. Being Secretly Communist: If there’s one thing the Cold War taught us, it’s that Communism works for a little while until human nature takes over and the people in charge of redistributing the wealth to the masses become greedy and decide to just redistribute the wealth into their own Cayman Island bank accounts instead. Canada laughs in the face of such conventional wisdom!! National Health Care? Canada’s had it for decades. National television and radio networks? Check. National airlines? Check. National railways? Check. Kid you not: British Columbia (a “province“) is about to essentially legalize prostitution as long as the hookers and johns promise the government it can get involved. Clearly the rest of the world finds this cute little Western attempt at socialism to be endearing, and hence the rise of the Canadian dollar.
  6. Tim Horton’s Donuts. If you’ve never had them, you wouldn’t understand.

I could also go on about the proliferation of humor-bloggers that are or were Canadian. Yes, that’s correct…the reason I have such an in-depth knowledge of the issues that we’re dealing with here is that I, too, was a Canadian. And America, you’d better step it up or I might have to reconsider my recent vows to the Stars & Stripes. Quite honestly, something like me going back north on a permanent basis could be the thing that pushes Canada over the top once and for all.

That, or losing the &%$#$ beaver and maple leaf as national symbols.

CrummyJoel

PS: Humor-blogs.com would like to wish lovely NEVA a hugely happy and especially non-crummy birthday. The keeper of the gate-keys to Central Snark, and the sososo very funny person whom I lovelovelove is celebrating what I believe is her 29th birthday today……again!! Have a great one, Neva!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! ; ) –CrummyJoel

LAMPSHA HERE! I was going to sneak in and just title NotCrummyAtAll Joel’s post EVERYBODY LOVELOVELOVES SNUPPY! But then I thought it might catch your eye and I didn’t want you to be tipped off right away that we were going to wish you a Happy 29th (sounds good to me). So, my dearest NBFF, Happy Birthday! Dare I say that without your every day damn funny if not sometimes confusing posts (I’m kidding, I don’t need your posts to confuse me) there’d be no Snark and a fair amount of camaraderie and friendship that exists in our circle and beyond. So what better day to tell you how much your loveloveloved and appreciated than on your birthday? Happy Birthday – may you have every manner of good health and happiness and shiney things in the year ahead. And may we get together for TGSNWM soon to toast! My treat! Have a great day. XOX

Diesel checking in as well to wish my favorite Crazy Aunt a happy birthday.  Oh, and Grundir told me to say, “Bah!  Tell me when she hits 800!”

Penguin joining the lovefest 2007. I second all the above – isn’t it grand when you come in last?- and I like to add that I think you look particularly marvelous on this fine day. I am not going to make this post any longer than it needs to be, but we hope you kinda get the drift of all of this: You are wonderfully weird, insanely all over the place and ridiculously charming. We loves you!

 Who said you came in last???  Last I heard bohemians had yet to go extinct!  DIOS MIO!  Oh dearest Nevalicious Snuppy de mi corazón here’s wishing you the happiest of happy days!  *Sigh* to west coast living’s drawback of lagging three hours behind in the festivities but, alas, better late than never for to show you the amor bohemians must and shall and WILL and, in addition to mucho amor desde el fondo de mi alma, oh so many thank yous for your continued faboo posts and sharp wit and what-some-may-call-confusing-but-what-in-my-tangential-universe-never-fails-to-make-anything-less-than-oh-so-perfect-sense amazing posts you continue to dish out and entertain us with… posts with which you carry the load of some-to-rename-nameless-but-we-all-know-who-they-are-said-the-bohemian-with-all-fingers-pointing-at-her contributor(s) who are eternally grateful to you, I am sure (ahem, ahem… what would I know? Um, yeah…), and so, since I could go on and ’tis best not for bohemians can be a tad verbose and whatnot, this stops NOW and so off I go to tell some big strapping men to bend over (YOGA people!) leaving y’all with un adios and you my dearest amiga with huge boho kisses flyin’ your way… and with that, BoheMia OUT!



Instructions by Snuppy
Wednesday, 8 August 2007, 8:47am
Filed under: cracks us up, Teh Penguin

Sometimes you just have to laugh. While using the restrooms in a Starbucks a few days ago, I saw this sign loosely attached to the wall:

instructions

I giggled and put it down as indicative for America´s general insanity. I mean that in the best way possible. Being the German that I am however, I followed all instructions carefully through and -to my deepest horror- discovered I have been doing step 6 wrong for at least 20 years. Age 17-24 are kind of a blur!

But you can breathe now, apparently being utterly over-zealous in instruction giving, appears to be more of a universal thing than originally assumed. Check out “The Japanese Wii Safety Manual” and have a laugh yourself.

Wii safety manualWhat it seems to be saying-and I wholeheartedly agree:

‘Hey, lady! We, the makers off Wii, don’t care how pregnant you are, hitting your husband with the Wii-mote is out of the question. You don’t get to blame this one on hormones either!’

Those Japanese!

But where silliness is concerned the Spanish are never far behind:

Spanish InstructionsGosh darn it, the instructions are in Spanish. I guess I won’t be able to get myself one of those black thingies then.

And I am pretty sure I presented to you Iceland’s infamous shower instruction plate. It bears repeating, I feel!Icelandic instructions

I still think that you guys take the cake though when it comes to instructions. The US government has a website (http://www.ready.gov.) It’s a bit of a “duck and cover” version for “If a terrorist attacks:”

vis_chem_area.gif“Careful, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol are all at risk of being sucked into the time-tunnel vortex.”

vis_rad_time.gif“Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. The current world record is 5 minutes, 12 seconds.”

These are only two of them…there are plenty more, one more ambiguous than the next!

Well, I hope that helped those “directionally challenged ones” amongst us. It certainly made me laugh!

~Penguin out!

Follow the yellow brick road to Humor-blogs.com.



July 4th by Snuppy
Wednesday, 4 July 2007, 9:44am
Filed under: cracks us up, holidays

patriotTHAT’S right, don’t bother to check your calendars, we’ve done it for you, and today is, indeed, America’s “Birthday”. Born, if you will, on the 4th of July, back in 1776. Tho’, truth be told, we’re pretty sure America is a hell of a lot older than the 231 years she claims to be. Despite her best efforts, America can’t fool us — we can see right through all that work she’s had done over the years. What does she take us for anyway, a bunch of naive, flag waving libertygibbets? Vain bitch. She can save that “I’m still a young country” act for some other blog, we’re not buying it.

INTERESTINGLY enough (to us), July 4th is only a “big deal” in the United States of America. Can you believe it? To the rest of the world, this is merely the day that sits precariously between the 3rd and the 5th. On the other hand, in the LAMPSHA household, America’s Birthday is but 4 days before our NBFF’s. In our own household, it’s 7 days before our mom’s birthday, 15 days before PIA’s, 18 days before MO’A PRETTY KITTEN HEEL’s, and 21 days before our big sister’s — tho’ truth be told, our other sister is less “big” than she is “old”. Hahaha. That’s hilarious to us now, but we’ll catch hell for it later. But, as so often happens when we start talking about one of our sisters, we digress. In Iceland, July 4th is exactly 13 days before TEH PENGUIN turns 30. And in Europe, it’s only 24 hours — and counting — before a certain CATTY YUMMY MUMMY finally says “¡Adiós España!” and “Helloooo San Francisco!”. Far as we’re concerned, even without the fanfare, flags, and/or fireworks, the 4th of July is still a big freakin’ deal.

Naturally, none of that stuff is the point of today’s post. The point, which snuck up on us like a Minuteman outside of Boston, on the road to the Old North Bridge, is that today is a holiday, one dedicated to freedom, justice, and liberty for all lucky enough to reside in the US of A.

200 years ago, the 4th of July marked the end of the Freedom Trail for two of America’s Founding Fathers, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson. That’s right, the 2nd and 3rd presidents of the United States both died on this day, back in 1826. We think it would have been very nice to show you what big fat babies those two rivals-turned-pals were towards the end of their lives, but unfortunately, we couldn’t figure out how to put THIS VIDEO directly onto this page. Watch it anyway, we’re pretty sure you’ll think it’s as funny as we did and/or do.

AS long as we’re talkin’ “Founding Fathers”, we figured it would be jolly good fun to revisit one of our all-time favorite Great American Hero related videos, which we first saw after retrieving an e-mail that looked suspiciously like spam. Imagine our delight when, instead of an offer to participate in some sleazy get-rich quick scheme, it turned out to be a note/video link from DIESEL, trying to share the splendor that was and/or is: Washington. By George, where’s the guy featured in the following clip when we need him?

HEH. We’ve watched this short over and over, and we never get tired of it. Every time we hear that song, we laugh and laugh and laugh. Coincidentally, that’s exactly what we do every time we read one of Diesel’s posts, including the ones he does here. That’s our way of saying he’s doing a post for us tomorrow. Aren’t we clever? That sneaky vainglorious America may lie about her age, but we will never lie to you about upcoming posts, especially when they’re being done by people we really like and/or who just saved us the trouble of writing another one of our own the day after a Very Important Holiday.

HOPE you all have a Fabulous 4th (5th, 8th, 11th, 17th, 19th, 22nd, and 25th) of July!

~snuppy

PS: Everyone is invited to a festive weenie roast on Humor-blogs.com. Afterwards, you can shoot off a few, ahem, rockets HERE. (this is a silly-yet-cool “fireworks” site… the only thing in this post you can feel comfortable showing the kids)



Goll-eeee by Snuppy
Friday, 22 June 2007, 7:18am
Filed under: cracks us up, Sex, Ed?

big period?THERE’S no reason to ever expose you to a post like this. Period. And yet, here we are, doing just that. Oh well, blame it on a chaotic week. Or the fact that, at the moment, our levels of energy and/or creativity are lower than usual. Or — and more to the point — blame it on the fact that today’s post is supposed to have something to do with Sex Education and we had the need to give an equal amount of time to the topic of “growing girls” everywhere, after last week’s look at, ahem, growing boys. Whatever it is, that’s why you’re reading all these words, even though we have no intention of reading any of ’em, ourselves. And if that doesn’t make sense, so what? Do we look like we care? Who the hell do you think we are, anyway? Your lousy 7th grade Science teacher, Mrs. Anderson? Jeez, are we really that lame? Or are you under the impression we’re here to amuse you? To cater to your every whim? Seriously, what in the wide wide world of sports do you want from us? Blood?

OOPS. We didn’t mean to get so carried away there, we’re just a little on edge. No, not because it’s “that time” of the month. Yeesh. We’re just tired. And cranky. Not to mention headachy. We have cramps, too, but, trust us, it’s not what you think — unless you’re thinkin’ we ate too many beans for dinner last night, in which case, it is what you think — but that’s beside the point. The point, which is as big as the giant period that looks like a bubble being held by a naked lady in the upper left hand corner, is that we enjoy being a girl, but sometimes it’s hard, so shut up.

MEET Molly… an incredibly naive-yet-stupid young girl who’s about to discover that “men-stroo-ating” has nothing to do with a bunch of guys tossing around a deck of cards while playing a frenzied game of Crazy 8’s, and everything to do with the end of her heretofore uncomplicated life.

COUPLE of quick questions: why did Molly’s mom leave her gloves at the nurse’s house last night? Is there something they’re not telling us? Also, speaking of “weird relationships”, is it just us, or does Molly seem a bit obsessed with her sister, Jeanie — who looks old enough, by the way, to be her quirky spinster aunt, Gert? Speaking of “old”, how ’bout that dad? Is it just us, or did he look a bit past his prime? Speaking of “Dad”, how ’bout that look he gave Molly when he realized she was no longer a “child”? Speaking of Molly — who’s-not-a-child — she says she can’t go out with her friend because she’s got the “curse”? Wha-a-a? And speaking of “the curse”, did Molly really ask that nurse (and/or Mom’s secret “friend”) if she’ll always have hers on Tuesdays? Poor Molly. So young. So stupid. So destined to get knocked up by some horndog named “Chip” before she graduates from high school.

DON’T mind us, we’re not trying to be difficult, it’s just that our heads are exploding with all the Useful Information we just learned from this Enlightening Educational Film for Morons made in 1953. Not to mention those Not-So-Useful Yet Burning Questions related to all things “Molly” that keep racing through our fragile little brains. We told you we had a headache, now you know why.

~snuppy

By the way, and speaking of “Tuesday’s”, don’t think we weren’t a tad pissed off at DIESEL for leaving us high and dry 3 days ago. That said, and speaking of Diesel, don’t think we weren’t incredibly grateful for his timely — and hilarious — “save” yesterday, as well as TEH PENGUIN’S lovely — and wonderful — post the day before. Speaking of “timely, lovely, wonderful and/or hilarity”, don’t think we aren’t looking forward to another wonderful Saturday Spin tomorrow, assuming our NBFF, the lovely — and brilliant — DJ LAMPSHA, has enough time to do one before heading out for — what promises to be — an afternoon filled with good friends, good food, and, oh yes, lots of laughter. Golly, we don’t know about you, but we can’t wait.*

For a good time, read Humor-blogs.com. Exclamation point.



Aqua Teen Who Whateys? by Snuppy
Friday, 13 April 2007, 9:42am
Filed under: cracks us up

mooninitePERHAPS you heard about the brouhaha in Boston a couple of months ago, that was not all that “haha” once the brou was let out of the, er, Beantown bag. What in the wide wide world of farts are we talking about? We have no idea. Apparently we aren’t supposed to prance around late at night in our backyards, clad in little more than large jackets and/or big shoes, especially when it’s freezing cold outside and/or raining, because we get sick. And, when we get sick, we get stupid. S-T-O-O-P-I-D.

Anyway — here’s the 4-1-1 on the brouhaha, as it relates to a new movie, set to a beat you can dance to, but only if you’re wearing shoes that actually fit. *takes swig of Nyquil, swerves to miss dogs* Help us Jeebus, this post is rapidly going to hell in a pair of giant duck boots and/or puffy down jacket.

Master Shake, Meatwad, FrylockLET’S try this thing, again: There’s this show. This very dumb (but seriously hilarious) show called Aqua Teen Hunger Force, that’s about, um, Teens hungry for water forced through some hose that runs under a bridge in Boston. No, that’s not right. Whatever. ATHF is part of the late night “adult” programming on Cartoon Network. It’s funny. And popular, which is why, we suppose, a movie based on its characters is opening in theaters across the country today, called, appropriately and not at all confusingly: AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE COLON MOVIE FILM FOR THEATERS. Looks darn amusing. Amusing, that is, if you’re a 13 year old boy (or, in the case of our son, 23).

WHAT’S all this got to do with anything? Well, some brilliant so-‘n-sos at Cartoon Network’s [adult  swim] crafted a clever parody of ATHF featuring the two “Mooninites” used in that [adult swim] ad-scare, in a 24-like scenario, based on the aforementioned brouhaha. A brouhaha, we hasten to add, that was less “haha” than “Holy crap, we thought it would be funny to fake everyone out with our clever Mooninite light boxes! Who knew anyone would think it was a bomb? Yeesh. We messed up. Still, made ya look!”.

*With luck, you’ll find a Mooninite and/or brouhahaha on humor-blogs.com.

~snuppy