A short post in which we shamelessly promote our friends and/or beg one of our favorite bloggers to let us to join the ranks of Honorary Pez Dispenser — even as we strive to maintain our kick-ass standing on Humor-blogs.com.
Dear TAN LUCY PEZ,
WE love you. We really really do. Truth be told, we think every single little thing about you is nothing short of s’peztacular… including — but not limited to — your Three Amazing Daughters. Those girls…
THAT said, how long before you “invite” us to join the ranks of “Pez dispenser”? Lampsha is quite certain she’d look lovely perched atop something chic ‘n sleek, Teh Penguin says her moniker was made for Pez Plastic Infamy, and, despite the fact the Little Blue Pill already comes in delightful packaging, she’s ready to forgo her’s for the sake of crunchy-fruit-flavored goodness. In addition, the delightful Miz BoheMia may have briefly lost herself in all things San Francisco, but she, too, shows promise as a future Dispensór de la Péz. As for Snuppy? Poor pathetic thing… is she not shameless enough? How many different ways need she declare her love and affection for all things Pez?
NEEDLESS to say, we can’t (and/or won’t) speak for the likes of Diesel and/or Crummy(not)Joel — those boys will have to come up with their own devices for garnering your trust and/or acceptance, our hands are full taking care of ourselves and/or our own selfish needs. But screw them, they’ve each recently published Very Funny Books, and fans will surely follow them wherever they go, Shirley. Naturally, the polls are still out on Harmonica Man — he certainly seems like a nice enough guy, but is he Pez-worthy? Alas, ’tis too soon to tell.
IN an effort to further endear you to ourselves and/or sway future Pez-related (heh) decisions, we decided to feature a happy video for your benefit and/or amusement. Suffice to say THIS POST of yours inspired our need to share the story of The Deer who Would Not Be Killed come Hell and/or Speeding Cop. Sadly, while it made us happy to see a beautiful buck hop over a Sheriff’s cruiser, we also got bored, because, really, how many times do we need to see him do it? We get it… the magnificent creature avoided being killed by jumping outta the way at the last possible minute. Yeesh. What can we say, we’re nothing if not crippled by incredibly short attention spans. Which is why we’ve instead elected to share the following disturbing-yet-darn-hilarious video, dedicated to the concept that (some) Deer Hunters are (truly) Stoopid.
FYI: the above deer sketch was done by The Whitest Kids U Know.
PS: You allowed Our Favorite Curmudgeon to join your ranks years ago, when can we expect the same? Our Pezzy Status (or lack, thereof) notwithstanding, we do think your gang o’ spunky Pez Pals did a right fine job coming up with a perfect dispenser for your “adopted son”. Honestly? We think it suits him to a Cranky “T”.
PPS: laughter is dispezned 24/7 on Humor-blogs.com.
PPEZ: candy is dispensed from 9-5 TLPST near Humor-blogs.com.
PPPS: that was a lie from the Pits of Pezzy Hell. Bring your own damn candy, then choke on it while laughing at Humor-blogs.com.
I envy not in any moods
The captive void of noble rage,
The linnet born within the cage,
That never knew the summer woods:
I envy not the beast that takes
His license in the field of time,
Unfetter’d by the sense of crime,
To whom a conscience never wakes;
Nor, what may count itself as blest,
The heart that never plighted troth
But stagnates in the weeds of sloth;
Nor any want-begotten rest.
I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
-Alfred Lord Tennyson-
This poem, and particularly this tiny section of it, has helped me through many a difficult trial. Every one of us has to deal with sadnesses and loses at one time or another.
In the wake of loss, we are haunted by things we might never understand. And would answers provide solace in the end? What we do have is memories of tenderness. There is comfort in the knowledge that not even shadows can extinguish the glow of warmth. May that feeling make you breathe, hold you close, and give you peace whenever you experience trying times.
NOTE from Lampsha: Those are among some of the most beautiful words ever written, Penguin. They are indeed. I just wanted to update everyone that Neva’s brother-in-law passed away Monday evening. This is her dear dear sister Terri’s husband. He has been a very special part of their family for many years and it is of course, a deep and very sad loss to them. She will be away from TheSnark for a spell but will never be far from our hearts. Love and good thoughts to her family.
PERHAPS some of you know about the small-yet-not gathering we were invited to over the weekend, that was less tête-à-tête than soirée. That is, if by “soirée” we mean “not an elegant affair in a private home, but a large cacophonous group of normally quiet bloggers, assembled at one table in the middle of a Manhattan restaurant”, which, of course, we do. That’s right, many of us were treated to the joys and/or noise associated with the aforementioned gathering Saturday afternoon, and don’t ya just know we’d like to tell you about it? And don’t ya just know our heads are still swirling with the overall thrill of the whole affair — so much so we’re pretty sure we won’t be able to do justice to the event? And don’t ya just know we’re gonna try anyway, because that’s just how we are?
BECAUSE we’re nothing, if not ADDled at any given moment of any given post, this may seem a bit… convoluted, if not flat out confusing. Do your best to keep up, that’s what we plan to do:
DOUG! Wow. The curmudgeon! Cool. Oooh, a curmudgeon with blue eyes. Very cool.
YOUNG woman at the end of the table with the amazing hair but who’s name we didn’t get, and who shall be referred to, from here on out as: Debbie! Nice to meet you! You’re in my chair.
AL! Where’s yours and Doug’s wife? And why are you and that guy sitting next to you wearing matching shirts?
Al’s friend in the matching shirt! Howdy! Pleased to meet ya! (Didja catch his name. No, did you? No. Started with a “k”. Ken? Karl? Keith? Kirby? Kevin? Koby? Kurt?)
PIA! Keep flashing that brilliant smile of yours my beautiful friend, and we’ll have to put our sunglasses back on.
SAR! Who knew they made stilettoed tennis shoes? And what’s up with deleting your blog?
GINA! Yay! Hooray! It’s my dear NBFF! I missed you!! What’s that? You don’t feel well? Uh, maybe you should sit over there, next to “Debbie”, she seems, um, lonely.
TALI? Beautiful girl! Aren’t you glad your mom dragged you with her to this thing? Are you having fun yet?
NEVA! Now isn’t that special? Purple toenail polish to match that toe you stubbed yesterday. Clumsy and colorful, who knew?
JOEL! You mean to tell me driving an hour and a half into the city on a Saturday isn’t your idea of a “good time”? Go figure.
DUDE/girlfriend/bub/missy, i am SO happy/thrilled/unnerved to finally meet you! You’re exactly/so different/slimmer/bigger/taller/uneven/younger/older than i thought you’d be!
Love this restaurant! What a terrific vie…
Well yeah, we were this close to buying one, but we heard they could…
MIZ B‘s reading today was fabulous! She sounded just like Pat, the Cat lady… color me impress…
Seriously! Sit over there, “Debbie”, this is my chai…
Can I get a drin…
TEH PENGUIN would have so much fun with this grou…
When did you get here?
I just flew in this morning, boy are my arms tired.
No seriously, I had some kid hanging on it for, like, the last 3 hours of the flight. It’s still numb. Stupid little bastard…
Should we order something now, or wait until…
Richmond is very lovely, but so hot in the su…
…and then he said “Beavers and Ducks!”
IN other words, we had a grand time, despite the fact that we were allotted exactly 5.29 minutes to chit and/or chat with each and every person sitting at that long-ass table. Not that we’re bitter, mind you. No, in fact, we’re just grateful to have been included. We managed to snag a hug or two from everyone, eat a tasty roasted vegetable and goat cheese quesadilla, sneak one fried onion sliver off Al’s friend’s (Kyle? Kent? Korbin?) plate, and, uh, slip out before the check arrived. How was that NOT a perfect afternoon, we ask no one in particular, especially those of you who weren’t there? Truth be told, the only “difficult” moment occurred when some of us left before some of the the others. Hard enough to say goodbye, but we were more than a little jealous of those who stuck around, because we knew they were about to be treated to one of Al’s fabulous tours of Lower Manhattan. Lucky bastards. We’re guessing even Al’s buddy, ol’ whatsis name (Klyde? Klark? Korey?) enjoyed himself beyond the words he couldn’t get in edgewise.
Tomorrow’s post is bound to be more, um, lucid. After all, it’s being written by a blogger who wasn’t in Manhattan and/or at that table over the weekend. That said, there’s a veritable bloggerama-ding-dong goin’ on 24/7 at Humor-blogs.com.
UNIMAGINATIVE (and unpopular) bloggers (comment whores) that we are (and, bitter ones, at that), we’ve decided to milk this (yesterday’s) Monty Python/Spamalot/Coconut Orchestra thing (goofiness) for all it’s worth (about $3.50). Meaning we’ve decided to do another post about… Spam (spam). Based on yesterday’s disappointing (totally shitty) turnout (shut-out), we figure none of you will mind too terribly much (since most of you probably won’t bother reading this post, either).
OKAY. So maybe that’s not quite true (it is). Maybe we were just doing a little spring cleaning (we weren’t) when we opened up a mailbag (our “in” box) and were shocked to discover a bunch (8 or 9 bits) of unopened comments (spam). Or mail (lots of spam). Or stuff we really don’t want cluttering our humble little blog (shitloads of spam). In case we haven’t mentioned it before (we have), we hate spam (we do). Which is why, we suppose, we’ve decided to share it with you. Not because we hate you (we don’t), but because we need to share our pain (just the little ones) as well as our joy (oh, if only we could remember the last time we got to do that).
So spam’s what we’ve got… and now, like cooties, you’re about to get some, too. The following are but a few of the solicitations we’ve recieved since the last time we checked — which, last time we checked, was last week. Enjoy (trust us, you’ll thank us later for not forcing you to watch A LAME VIDEO of some stupid cat playing the piano):
1. GoBlueveroom: HI everybody. I have spent cool weekends! Me and my friend bought viagra and all our university group went to the forest. PHENTERMINE. We hadn’t tried viagra before, but – recommend to try – won’t be sorry! We bought anonymously. Uh, GoBlueveroom? GoBlowitoutyerass.
2. Yakzutt: Execuse mee plees for vis messaga posted from Norenbergen Shutgorto blin… Not only do wee execuse youse, Yakzutt, we fart in your general direction.
3. Christos: thanks for inviting me to your site. i don’t have any idea to write rite now. i already bookmark your site and will come back soon. anyway, thanks again. peace. : ) Rite now would be a good time to take that bookmark and shove it. ,,l,
4. Vincendevers: Hello, my name is vincent. I am french from paris and I am looking for some people who know the language bahasa melayu in paris. I would like to learn this language because I went to malaysia for a week and I enjoyed it. Voulez-vous coucher avec whaaa? Hahaha!
5. Mapqest: Good site! it a cool. We think it a, too!
6. Esaon: No way. It is spam? well…I try away. Instead, please go away.
7. Esasion: It is glad to a meeting! Glad to a meeting, indeed, Esasion. Glad to a meeting, indeed.
8. Jersee: It is all in your mind–hypnosis is the answer. Weight loss is achieved faster with hypnosis. Look into our eyes… you’re getting creepy… creepy…
FINALLY, this last one is a bit of potentially enriching news, assuming no more “unforseen circumstances and reason” gets in the way. Eight-Hundred and Fifty-Thousand United States Dollars seems like a reasonable fee for doing nothing, and we’d really like to capitalize on our earnings, especially since Princess James is still clinging to life in that Holistic Home for the Dying But Not Yet Dead. Damn her and those ungrateful relations, who continue to reap that which they did not sow…
Dear Friend, It is my pleasure to reach you after our unsuccessful attempt on our business transaction. I am obliged to inform you that I have succeeded in receiving many of the funds with the help of a new partner from Paraguay Mr.Fernando Alvaro Gomez. Everything was perfectly done because we strike a deal with one of the lady Accountant who works with the Federal Ministry of Finance (FMF), and she rendered a tremeldous help to us.
In appreciation of your earlier assistance to me in receiving the funds, I have decided to compensate you with the sum of $850,000.00 (Eight Hundred and Fifty Thousand United States Dollars) in a Cashier’s cheque. This is from my own share. I did this simply to show appreciation to you for your kind support an assistance even though we could not succeed due tosome unforseen circumstances and reason. Presently, I am in Paraguay for investment project with my own share under the advice of my partner. In the light of the above, you are therefore, to contact my Secretary Kelechi Michael, and do send him your contact address where you want the cheque to be sent to you and phone number. Please do let me know immediately you receive it so that we can share the joy together after all the suffering at that time. In the moment, I am busy here in Asuncion the capital city of Paraguay because of the investment projects, which the new partner and I are having at hand. So feel free to get in touch with him to send the cheque to you without any delay. Domago
Thanks Domago, you should have.
ACTUALLY, instead of sharing more bits of useless spam, we considered exploring some of the “searches” that have brought folks over here in recent days, but after we saw “key” search phrases like: Kitty Carlisle sex goddess punchline; homoerotic movies; hilarious manicdotes; gay fisters; and hilarious manicdotes in homoerotic movies featuring sex goddess Kitty Carlisle and gay fisters, well, we decided to do what we know, and stick with spam — which sticks in our craws and/or to your ribs, but that’s another crappy post for another unimaginative day and/or Humor-blogs.com, whichever comes first.
IT started the way most week long visits do, with an e-mail (“Hey, guess what? I’m coming to see you!”), a phone call (“You’re coming to see us? Yippeeeee!”), a panic (“Holy crap, she’s coming to see us, our house is a mess, we don’t have any food, and, uh, we still need to lose 10 pounds!”) , a call to the cleaning lady (“You want HOW much to clean out that room that hasn’t been touched in over 3 years? Oh Not-Hazel, we thought you were our friend.”), and a trip to the grocery store (“Must stock up on chocolate.”)
In addition to the above, the pending (and subsequent) visit required: 1. a hotel reservation (“Once they meet her, there’s no way our horndog sons will give her privacy.”), 2. a flurry of e-mails (“NBFF! Guess who’s coming to the East coast!”), 3. a complicated set of arrangements covering the span of 6 days (New Slipcovers? Check. New houseplants? Check. Ample Chocolate? Check. Carpets Cleaned? Ack!), 4. several full tanks of gas (logging over 900 miles, and counting), 5. paint remover (oh, those pesky Blue Men), and 6. gum. Naturally, Clean sheets were helpful, clean floors secondary, clean toilets essential, in lieu of aforementioned “carpet cleaning”, spot remover for the mess the poor sick kitty made before being carted off to the Vet mandatory, and dirty windows ignored, because, hey, it’s winter.
Finally, the day before her arrival. Time for review of plan and/or tweaking:
“We’ll pick her up at the airport then whisk her off to the hotel, because staying with us might get tricky, what with the 2 large and/or horny boys, the 3 large and/or noisy dogs and a guest room still filled with Christmas leftovers (damn that Not-Hazel, anyway).”
“But wait. What about all that snow?”
“Snow? It’s 72 degrees.”
“Yeah, well, tomorrow it won’t be. The roads will be icy, the drive treacherous and the hour, late.”
Calling the car company was easy. Paying for the 5 hours charged to pick up one tiny penguin might not be, but what the hell, at least we didn’t have to schlep out to the airport on those treacherous, icy roads.
Hmmm. If we continue to share aspects of TEH PENGUIN’S visit in this fashion, we’ll never get done. Heck, we’ll probably still be writing while you’re reading, and that won’t be good for anyone. We can type fast, but who knows if we can type as fast as you can read. Are you willing to find out? Neither are we — so let’s speed things up, shall we? Don’t look now, but we’re about to hit the fast forward button. Try to keep up, we can’t promise you’ll get a chance to see this post again as a summer re-run.
FRIDAY, 16 March (9:43 pm): Phone rings, she’s here. Woohoo! She’s safe. Stuck on the plane, watching a British Airway Jet get de-iced. Look for the driver after you get out of customs. Call us from the hotel. See you tomorrow.
SATURDAY, 17 March (12:13 pm): BOBO and SNUPPY are late. Sorry. What can we say? Mad-crazy kids/dogs/snow in driveway. Ready to go? Yeah. Want coffee? Yeah. Ready to try Starbucks? Yeah? Good. Drink up, time to meet LAMPSHA, who’s on her way after picking up STILETTO (what a doll, just flew in, were her arms tired). Hi Stiletto. Hi Lampsha. Eat? Yeah. Good food? Yeah. Lots of laughs? Oh yeah. Ready to say goodbye/go to hotel/get sleep? Yeah, yeah, and yeah. See you both tomorrow.
SUNDAY, 18 March (2:00 pm): Meet Lampsha AND Scissorhands (great guy). Blue Man Group? Yeah. Good show? Yeah, funny, too. Take pictures of Monika and tall Blue Man. Paint in her hair. Hahaha. Bye Lampsha/Scissors! Take Stiletto and Penguin for drive through Greenwich “countryside” in order to scope out un-freaking-believable homes belonging to people with more money than everyone in all three of our families put together? Yeah. Mexican takeout? Yeah. Muy bueno? Sí sí. Back to hotel? Yawn. See ya mañana.
MONDAY 19 March (10:04 am): Pick up girls at hotel. Force car into non-spacious parking space at Starbucks. Drive like maniac to airport. Right Road? Lost. Lost? Lost. Find airport. Throw Stiletto out of moving car. She’s lovely, someone will dust her off and/or pick up her bag. Hi Lampsha. New Jersey? Yeah? Yeah. 4 1/2 hour car ride over bridges and/or through tunnels. Smiling cop pulls up to car, checks out teh Penguin. You Michelle? No? Too bad. MO’A? Yeah, baby! Art? Amazing. Food? Spectacular. Mo’a? Beyond delightful. Love her, staying late. Gotta go, long drive. Drop you off in Queens, Lampsha? Yeah. Lost? D’oh! Home late?? Oh yeah. Nighty night. See ya tomorrow.
TUESDAY 20 March (11:03 am): Train? Starbucks. Drive in to Manhattan, instead? Okie dokie. Hook up with Lampsha at Grand Central Station, take Subway to Lower Manhattan. CALL HIM AL? Hell Yeah! Trinity Church? Wow! Mrs. Al/Doug’s wife waiting to meet us at apartment? Awesome and Very Awesome! Food? Yummy. Rest of tour? Fab. U. Lous. AWESOME. Bye Al, we’ll call. Drive back/drop off. Nighty night, sleep tight. See ya tomorrow.
WEDNESDAY 21 March (10:51 am): Hey, do we need Starbucks? Why yes, yes we do. Larry take our picture. Larry, let go of teh Penguin. Larry, stop running after our car, we’re late. Drive to Manhattan. Get lost, again. Wait for sons to arrive. Hi guys. Hope you all enjoy Lion King. Snuppy left out in the cold? Yeah. Al? Yes? Coffee/cheesecake? Yeah (and yum). Show’s over, was it good? Fantastic. Time to go home? Uh-huh. More Mexican food? Sí sí señora. Back to hotel, get some sleep. Hasta mañana.
THURSDAY 22 March (9:23 am): Must. Have. Starbucks. Long drive to Massachusetts. Meet THE AMOEBA? Yeah. Nice/funny/scary-smart marine biologist? Indubitably. Good food? Delectable. Chit? Chat. Time to go back. Aloha! Good luck in Hawai’i, dude! Long drive back to Connecticut. Too tired for shopping? No. 8:03 pm, tired now? Yes. Hotel? Yes. 5 am pick up? Yes and yikes! Good night. See you tomorrow. Early.
FRIDAY 23 March (4:59 am): Starbucks? Too early. Damn. Long drive to airport? Yeah. Good ride to airport? Yeah. Excited that teh Penguin will soon be meeting WILLIE, KYAHGIRL, and, if she’s lucky, SQUARE-ISH GIRL? Absolutely. Jealous? A little. Sad to say goodbye? Devastated. Long drive back to Connecticut? Oh… yeah.
NATURALLY, there’s a lot more interesting/entertaining stuff we could share about the visit, but our fingers are tired, and we know your attention spans are short, at best. If you’re desperate to read more about the Tour de Penguin, you can do so HERE (thanks to Lampsha), as well as HERE and HERE (thanks to teh Penguin). As for us? Well, don’t look now, but we get to spend one more day with our favorite Icelandic beauty on Tuesday, and last time we looked, that dining room carpet won’t be cleaning itself. Waiting for the last possible minute to do it ourselves? Well duh.
I am writing on behalf of Dr. Snark, as it has come to our attention, here at the Institute, that you’ve recently experienced a slip in your ability to use the good judgement. I speak, of course, of the incident of 11 January 2007, which involved your meeting with two women of doubtless disrepute known only to us as “LAMPSHA” and “SNUPPY“.
NOW, Al, in an of itself, sitting down over coffee with two complete strangers is certainly no big deal. No, wait, that’s a lie from the Pits of Hell, Al, because it certainly is a big deal. The phrase “are you out of your mind?” comes to… er… mind, Al, but then, you’ve been a patient at this Institute for several months so we all know the answer to that, don’t we? The answer is “yes“, Al, “yes you are out of your mind”. We are of the opinion that any hopes we had for a speedy improvement have been dashed to their deaths on the marble floor at GRAND CENTRAL STATION . In case you remain unclear as to our Diagnosis and/or Prognosis, let’s review:
1. You met with TWO complete and utter strangers. Both of them had big purses. And a Barbie Doll.
2. In the middle of New York City, you treated them to coffee at… Starbucks.
3. You did not tell your wife, Mrs. Al, (aka, Doug’s Wife, too).
4. You allowed these two unscrupulous women to talk your ears off for over 3 hours (Starbucks called, by the way, and your ears are being held for safe-keeping in the fridge under the counter, next to a box of Soy milk).
5. You did NOT tell your wife.
6. You aided and abetted these less-than-perfect possibly perfectly-insane strangers in taking illicit photos of a nearly naked Barbie Doll in the middle of a busy train station. The fact that the Barbie Doll in question — DAISY — will soon be a SpokesBarbie for the Institute doesn’t make it right. People saw you holding that camera, Al. Children, men with dogs, old ladies, for godssake. Witnesses, Al, witnesses.
7. YOU DID NOT TELL YOUR WIFE.
NATURALLY, Dr. Snark believes in her ability to eventually restore you to some semblance of sanity, but it’s going to take work, Al, and lots of it. And money, Al — LOTS OF IT. That said, we are proud of you for taking a step outside the box (and by “box” we mean “computer”) in order to experience life in the fast lane (and by “fast lane” we mean “a table in Starbucks”). There’s hope, Al, and as Daisy as our witness, we’ll do everything in our power to help you in your quest for a sound mind. As for your relationship with your wife, however, you’re on your own.
WITH ALL GOOD REGARDS, despite our belief you should have told your wife,
Nurse Betty Snupskamatov
*Thanks for the great visit, Al! We had fun, we really did. Way more fun, we suspect, than you did once you got back home. You can have Mrs. Al call us, if you like, and we’ll do our best to allay any and all fears she may have as to the true nature of our get-together. That said, we’re guessing a quick peek at our blogs may go a long way towards achieving the same thing, with a lot less aggravation (for her, not us — we look forward to meeting her in the future, assuming she lets you continue to hang out in the Blogosphere).
RECYCLING is good for the environment. It also comes in handy when a certain blog sleeps in too late and doesn’t have the time and/or inclination to pull something new out of it’s collective ass. Enter This Post — which was just sitting in the Snark queue, waiting for the right New Years Eve and/or Day to be published: but since there won’t be one of those for at least 363-4 days, we think we’ll share it now. Otherwise we’ll have to toss it out to make room for all the new posts we plan to pull out of our asses over the next year.
* * * * * * * *
WE don’t know about you guys, but after we watched “Are You Popular?” a few times on Friday, and put into practice some of the excellent advice we managed to glean between bouts of making brownies and/or out in cars with boys, we found our date calendars filled up with enough New Year’s Party invitations to take us well into the next Century. Which means, of course, we’re gonna be busy. That said — and by virtue of the fact that you’re here, reading this — we’re guessin’ some of you will not. NATURALLY, we don’t want to leave any of you alone and/or unentertained, so we thought it might be fun (for you, not us, since we’ll be whooping it up at some fancy-schmancy par-tay) to share in some of the joy that was: FRIENDS. Specifically, the episode from Season 6 known simply as “The One with the Routine“. Most of you will probably think this is stupid, but we can think of at least one happy Penguin who’s gonna totally thank us in the morning. Enjoy.
YEP. We know those moves. We have those moves. We just didn’t want to show ’em to any of you sooner, ‘cuz we knew you’d try to steal ’em if you lucked into a last minute invitation and/or wound up at the same party as some of us. What can we say, it’s a jeté-eat-jeté world out there. Sometimes ya get to echappés sautés, sometimes ya get to watch. (we have no idea why we just used those ballet terms — don’t know what they are, can’t do ’em.)