WHAT’S green and red and white and green and red and white and green and red and white? A Christmas Frog in a Blender! Get it? Frog? Santa hat? Blender? Okay, so maybe we’re the only ones who think we’re funny, but guess what? We don’t care, because we’re the only ones writing this intro. But, that, of course, is beside the point. The point, which just ran off with your sense of humor, is that The Holidays bring out the best and worst in us. So forget what we just said about Christmas Frogs — in blenders or otherwise — and join us in welcoming our Very Good and Funny Friend, THE FROGSTER, who has seen fit to bless us with a Holiday Themed Post. That said, we could care less if YOU actually enjoy what he’s written, because WE did, and as you know by now, that’s all that matters. That said, trust us, The Frogster is a wonderfully clever writer — and we Strongly Urge you all to take a peek at his blog, if you’ve yet to do so. We can’t say for sure, but we’re guessing there’s a fruitcake in it for you, if you DON’T. ~snuppy
A FRUITCAKE SAVED MY CHRISTMAS TONIGHT
The Frogster here. I hope everyone is enjoying the last few weeks of 2007. Beth and I had a bit of a tiff when she discovered a piece of tinsel on my shirt and accused me of having an affair with a Christmas Fairy, but we seem to have put that behind us.
The holidays. A time for cheer and good wishes and generosity and kindness and volunteering and love and peace and singing and companionship. Fine and wonderful things. The holiday season, however, also has a horrible dark side. This dark side is the unseemly yet pervasive attitude running rampant through our culture that it is okay to take all of our holiday stress out on that most misunderstood and unappreciated of holiday confections. That’s right, I’m talking about the Manna of Midwinter, the Delicacy of December, the Wonder of the Winter Solstice. Fruit cake. Fruit cake is as vital to the survival of our holiday traditions as the blazing Christmas light show that our neighbors leave on all night with accompanying carols coming out of a speaker turned to the “Sonic Boom” volume setting.
It is my fondest hope that my neighbors’ speaker gets ice in it and explodes. It is my second fondest hope that, with a little illumination, I can help you to understand why you must stop this unjustified campaign of terror against The Almighty Fruit Cake.
Now, your might think your History of Christmas trivia is up to snuff with regard to the tradition of Kris Kringle, due to the TV special “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” (Interestingly, the first Christmas had to be cancelled due to a clerical error when Kris spent all night thinking he was supposed to come to “Twon” and couldn’t find it). The special left out a few critical details, however, due to the need to tighten it up in order to fit it into the allotted time slot, which I will now pass along to you in an effort to make the world a better place.
Way back when, during the reign of the evil Burgermeister Meisterburger, a kindly old soul named Kris Kringle wanted to spread a little cheer during the dark days of deepest winter. We all know this. One of Kris’ more popular gifts was fruit, due to the fact that the only place that grew fruit back in those dark times was Italy, and the Mafia controlled the exportation of fruit with a bronze fist (this was before the secrets of iron working were revealed by Louis Casting). So only Kris, with his supersonic sled, could sneak in and retrieve the fruit.
After the “Twon” typo was corrected, the tradition went on just fine for a couple of years until Burgermeister Meisterburger discovered Kris’ treachery and hired fruit bats to patrol the sky on Christmas Eve (all this was in the original TV special but was later cut). When Kris would get close, the bats would descend on him like, well, like fruit bats after fruit. The fruit bats would decimate Kris’ sled and the children would be unhappy for the whole year. Mrs. Kringle, the grandmother of contraband, realized that if the fruit was encased in something the bats wouldn’t be able to detect it. So she baked some cakes and stuck the fruit inside. This worked well, though Kris had to make seven or eight trips, due to the fact that he could only fit so many cakes on his sled. Then one year, Mrs. Kringle remembered too late that she had run out of yeast. She made the cakes anyway, and it was an unexpected success. Kris could fit all the unrisen cakes on his sled and deliver every last bit of the fruit in one trip.
A rather underreported fact is that since all of the fruit had to be cut up to fit it into the slimmer cakes, the children’s fathers had to stay up all night putting the little pieces of fruit back together, thus starting another holiday tradition that continues to this day.
So, without the mighty fruit cake, there would be no such thing as Christmas. I hope that, armed with this knowledge, we can stop the rampant fruit cake bashing that makes for so much mean-spirited holiday cheer at this time of year. In fact, I’d like to institute National Fruit Cake Day, celebrated on December 29th, in rememberance of a missing cake ingredient leading to the glorious triumph over The Burgermeister’s army of Grinchlike Fruit Bats.
In preparation for National Fruit Cake Day, I’d like you all to go enjoy a piece of fruit cake today. I already have. In case you do not have any samples of this most delicious of holiday confections, due to your fruitcake prejudices, be sure you have some for next year. You can buy some after the holidays in the discount section of your local Mega Mart. Don’t worry, it will keep. In the meantime, I’ll have another piece, just to make up the difference. Happy Holidays!
I like my fruit cake with a little humor-blogs.com in it.
fruit cake Burgermeister Meisterburger holiday traditions to smuggle home to your loved ones
Holy smokes! Look who and/or what we found waiting for us in the queue when we logged in this morning. That’s right — another hilarious post from one of our NEW best friends and (hopefully) frequent contributor, JEFF — aka, Harmonica Man. Or, as we suddenly feel compelled to call him, Jefferonica, who’s decided to entitle the following exchange “Virgin Visions”, despite our recommendation to call it “Overheard From the Cloud”. It matters not, for verily we say unto thee (youse?) this post by any name is still mightily amusing. Watch out, Jefferonica, we could DEFINITELY get used to seeing your avatar around here (did we just say “get”. Hell, we already are). ~snuppy
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Pete: Hey G, what’s going on?
G: Not much, just having a little fun here.
Pete: Oh no, not that tired old Virgin Mary siting thing again. Isn’t that getting a little old?
G: Are you kidding? Look what I did this time!
Pete: Oh for my sakes. You do realize that thousands of people are now going to flock to this poor woman’s house and set up a stupid shrine by her refrigerator. Right?
G: That’s not necessarily true. No one set up a shrine when I made this.
Pete: Ah yes, the Grilled Cheese Mary. I remember it well. Aren’t you ashamed that the schmuck you bestowed this upon made $28,000 on eBay over this?
G: Nope. But I am ashamed to claim responsibility for the idiots who bid on it. But hey, I’ve had a lot of fun with my Virgin Visions ©, especially the food series. I mean just look at these beauts…
Pete: Ok, I’ll give you the pizza pan one, but the chocolate thing looks like a big turd and the moldy lemon slice looks like the elephant man.
G: Say what you want about them, but every one of these apparitions have drawn HUGE numbers. The pizza guy’s business quadrupled over night. You can’t tell me I’m not helping out the little guy here.
Pete: Fine, but who exactly is benefiting from a Virgin Mary water stain on a freeway underpass? I mean come on already.
G: Man, ye of little faith already – Jesus. Listen, you can ring the church bells, send people door-to-door, put fliers on windshields, do whatever you want and you STILL won’t gather as many believers as Our Lady of the Underpass did in Chicago.That’s there’s some powerful stuff, I don’t care who y’all are.
Pete: Fine, you win. I do have to admit though, this one was pretty cool.
G: Uh, sorry Pete – I didn’t have anything to do with that one. I’m pretty sure that one is real.
Pete: You need to get a life.
~harmonica man
The laughs are real at humor-blogs.com!
LOOK who we found hiding behind that cloud hanging over our heads — you guessed it, our good and very tall friend, HARMONICA MAN. Okay, so maybe it wasn’t so much a cloud over our heads as in our brains, but that’s beside the point. The point, which tried to rain on our thought parade, is this: after stressing over just how to follow BOBO‘s brilliant Fill-in Spin, we developed a world-class headache. Enter Jeff (aka Harmonica Man), a blogger we’ve been trying to get on the Snark team for quite some time. Finally, after much whining and/or offers to put his kids through college (assuming we can do that for about $3.50), he caved agreed to help us out. Yay for Jeff. And yay for you, too, ‘cuz this guy’s not only tall enough to view the world from behind a cloud, he’s also flat out funny. ~snuppy
PS: Leaving happy comments may help convince young Jeff to come back again, sometime soon. Otherwise we might resort to trolling on Humor-blogs.com for help the next time our brain clouds up.
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True story…
So there I was sound asleep at 1:00 in the morning last Sunday when suddenly I felt something land on my chest. Startled awake, I sat straight up in my bed only to see a mouse running across my blankets and down over the side. Needless to say I was FREAKED!
Or so I thought.
Needed to say was that I was only dreaming that a mouse had landed on my chest, which caused me to sit up and think I was seeing it skitter away. But to me it was all too real and just about gave me a heart attack.
Eventually I calmed down and went back to sleep. But only until 4:00 when I dreamed once again that mice were dropping through a hole in my ceiling and filling up a box that was suspended over my bed. BUT – since the box had gotten full, the damn thing was overflowing with mice which were spilling out and falling on me while I slept. Nice.
Ok, before you call the “special police”, I’m pretty sure I have an explanation for these recurring nightmares…
…THIS!
That’s right. Billed as the “most humane” way to catch mice, this live trap allows several mice to be captured at once. Which is true. Because I used it. And it works.
You see a few weeks ago we found evidence of mice running around in our garage and decided they needed to be “relocated.” We chose this live trap because it seemed like the perfect solution. You simply gather them up in this nice little box, take them out to the woods and let them go. No more spring traps full of mice with broken necks and brains coming out of their mouths (which I’ve seen unfortunately).
Sure enough I wound up the neat live trap and put it on my workbench and the next morning there he was, one cute little mouse standing on his back legs and looking out of the plastic window. “Bingo! This thing works great!” I thought. But still I wanted to get a few more before I took the time to convert our city mice into country mice.
And then… the next morning we had another one! I was thrilled. At this rate we would have the whole McMouse family in a few days. And so I let it sit another night.
But the next morning something went horribly wrong. One of the mice had died overnight (or had been murdered) and the other one was on top of him and gnawing on his back. It was disgusting and I couldn’t bear to look at it for more than a second, so I just left him there to deal with later – except that “later” just happened to end up being about a week, at which point the only thing left in the box was one dead cannibal rodent from Hell and another dried up mouse-pelt rug. Oh yeah, this trap was a GREAT idea.
Needless to say, I won’t be quite so compassionate next time. After this it’s mouse brains all the way. Go ahead, call PETA – I don’t give a shit. This guy needs to get some sleep!
~Jeff (aka Harmonica Man)
Mickey Mouse left a juicy “surprise” for Jeff at Humor-blogs.com.
LOOK who showed up to help a vacationing and/or “getting kids ready for school” frazzled-yet-fabulous DJ LAMPSHA out with a Saturday Spin?? That’s right, BOBO. But not just any BoBo, mind you… a Birthday BoBo. A Birthday BoBo Banjoey. On the first day of the month! And you know what that means, don’t ya? Yeah, we don’t either. Oh shut up, we’re kidding! That means our own dear BoBo’s a whole year older and/or wiser, yet still dumb sweet enough to do his loving wife a favor now and again, so she can have time to buy bake a fabulous cake! Heck, maybe even decorate it with candles, rabbit, rabbits, and stuff! Thank you for Spinning your own brand of musical magic today, BoBo… not only do you get better and are you more loved with each passing year, you totally rock! ~Snuppy (aka BoBo’s loving wife)
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This brings back memories of those long ago days of my youth when I briefly served as a top 40 DJ at a radio station in Hanford, California. Ah yes, those were the days…going to school, working nights at a department store, and racing 33 miles down the highway each Saturday and Sunday night after work to pull a 5 hour shift on the radio. I think I sounded something like this:
“That was the Bee Gees with How Deep is Your Love right here on KISS-FM… next up the Bay City Rollers with, yep, you guessed it…S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y Night.” (and fade up music)
Believe you me, I was no threat to Kasey Kasem and I’m certainly not worthy to fill the shoes of the one and only DJ Lampsha…that said…our selection for this Saturday’s spin was actually inspired by one of Lampsha’s fabo posts from a while back which listed some of the top performers of 2006 as judged by her favorite radio station here in New York. On that list was a little known (to us) duo out of Akron, Ohio that called themselves The Black Keys. At Lampsha’s suggestion we sampled a number of the artists listed but it was The Black Keys which caught our fancy more than the rest.
As the bio on their website points out, the musical partnership of Dan Auerbach and Patrick Carney is an unlikely one but the sound they manage to produce is the biggest surprise of all.
The video is strange… we found the music raw, soulful, inspired. Enjoy!
~DJ BoBo (but only for a day — albeit a Birthday, but a “day”, nonetheless)
Every day’s a Saturday night on Humor-blogs.com. (don’t ask)
Filed under: guest who?
NO one knows better than we do how difficult it is to follow TEH PENGUIN, which is why we’re oh-so-happy we don’t have to, today. That’s right, as promised, we’re pleased (and somewhat relieved) to present: Another Guest Post! By Another Fun, Funny, and Funtastic Friend! A’yup, this one’s taken the plunge into the bloggy snark side by offering up a post that comes not a moment too soon — with very little heavy breathing and/or sweat, we hasten to add (trust us, there’ll be plenty of time for that tomorrow). Anyway, we’ve been fans of the DRIVE-BY BLOGGER for ages and ages — not that you’d know it by the comments we leave, because sometimes we forget to go read his hilarious blog, for fear we’ll laugh ourselves into an unrecoverable state of stupor (as happened once, while reading DIESEL’S blog, but we digress, or did the day we fell into that stupor). And so, without futher adieu and/or explanation, we proudly present our very good, very humorous friend, TDB. Enjoy! ~Snuppy
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Mother Nature…She’s Super Freaky
Greetings all,
As some of you may know, my blog consists almost entirely of weird stuff that I make up. However, there are times when reality rears its ugly head as if to remind me that no one does weirdness better than Mother Nature. So, please join me as I pull out a few items from the “truth is stranger than fiction” file:
Waterfowl Wage Genital Warfare
“Despite the fact that most waterfowl form monogamous pairs, forced copulations by other males the avian equivalent of rape are common in many waterfowl.”
I, for one, will never be able to look at Donald or Daffy Duck the same way again — although this may explain why neither of those feathered bastards ever bothered to put on a pair of pants.
Honey Bee: Exploding Testicles
“A virgin queen that survives to adulthood without being killed by her rivals will take a mating flight with a dozen or so male drones (out of tens of thousands eligible bachelors in the colony). But don’t call these drones lucky because during mating, their genitals explode and snap off inside the queen!”
Is it me or does Mother Nature seem to get really creative when concerning herself with reproduction? When I used to hear people use the expression “the birds and the bees” I had no idea that it involved insect genitalia exploding like cheap forth of July fireworks.
What the article didn’t mention however, is what becomes of those males that didn’t successfully mate with the queen. Do they slink back to the hive where all the other bees point and snicker at their unexploded private parts? Or do they leave to form some kind of drone monastery? Inquiring minds want to know.
Spider Causes Erections
“A Brazilian spider delivers more than a painful bite that sends most victims to the hospital. Its venom stimulates an hours-long erection. Now scientists have figured out the chemical that seems to be responsible for the penis boost.
In Brazil, emergency room staff can immediately spot the victims of a bite from the Brazilian wandering spider. Patients not only experience overall pain and an increase in blood pressure, they also sport an uncomfortable erection.”
Well, if this fact had been known long ago, the comic book Spider-Man could have been a whole lot more interesting. Anyway, the Brazilian tourist board should jump on this and come up with a slogan like:
“Brazil: Come for the beaches, stay for the erection inducing spider bites!”
Oh, I also came across articles about an island that has large, carnivorous mice, and a small eel-like fish that takes refuge in the anus of a sea cucumber. And on that lovely note I will take my leave and probably not a moment too soon. Bye now!
The drive-through window is always open late, at Humor-blogs.com.
AIEEEE. Guess who’s not here to do a post for us today? That’s right, DIESEL. Apparently he thought it was more important to take his family on vacation than stay home writing a post for his friends in the Snark. That said, guess who showed up to do a guest post for us, instead? That’s right, the one, the only, the not-so-crummy-but-oh-so-funny, CRUMMY JOEL. Assuming you kids like this — and we’re guessing you will — we’re hoping to convice our clever friend with the tacky church signs to do something similar on a more regular basis. Nothin’ we like more than a great and/or funny post, especially when we don’t have to write it, ourselves. Enjoy. ~ Snuppy
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Dear Woman Standing In Front of Me at Last Night’s Concert,
I realize that a great deal of excitement accompanies seeing a major rock concert. I myself have been anticipating the chance to see Chris Cornell live for many years now. I feel I could have enjoyed the evening more, however, had your public behavior matched the expectations of a modern, civilized society. This letter hopes to address some practices that you might consider abolishing for the next rock concert you attend.
First of all, is it really necessary to document the entire evening’s proceedings on your piece-of-crap camera phone? Don’t the fourteen pictures that you took during “Outshined” closely resemble the seventeen pictures that you took during “Cochise”? It’s not Hamlet. There was no fricking wardrobe change.
And look, it’s not like that 0.1 MegaPixel wonder is taking good pictures. How could it possibly, since you’re just waving it in the air (and, consequently, in my face) while randomly clicking “Capture”? There is absolutely no doubt that you took more pictures of me than you did of Chris Cornell. You want a good picture of Chris Cornell? OK. Here’s one. Here’s another one. Hell, here’s at least 10 pages of pictures of Chris Cornell, every single one of them better than your best effort last night. People will believe you when you tell them you were there. It’s not like you’re telling them you went to the freaking moon. You don’t need proof.
If it’s a matter of needing to remember the evening’s proceedings, I have a suggestion. Before the concert, DON’T bathe in whiskey (or shower in rum, or take a ride down a tequila-soaked Wet Banana, or whatever it is you did pre-concert). You might claim to have done none of the above, but I know for a fact that a stench that profound could not possibly have come just from drinking. Certainly less contact with alcohol will allow you to remember more of the evening (or any of the evening, for that matter) and rely less on 14,000 grainy, blurred pictures.
Speaking of controlled substances: You know, some people are able to smoke without it affecting everyone around them. Then there are people like you, where everyone within a 3o-foot radius smells like they just hitch-hiked through a wildfire in Marlboro Country. You are to be congratulated, because I have never in my life seen one solitary cigarette belch out that much smoke (…and you smoked 53 of them in a 2-hour period in this manner). Together, you and your date caused R.J. Reynolds stock to rise an entire percentage point in one evening.
Ah yes, your date. I realize that perhaps some of last evening’s songs may have had some sentimental value to you and your significant other. (Who hasn’t had a romantic encounter to “Jesus Christ Pose”)? If a young couple wants to take the opportunity during a concert to become cuddly, gropey, and affectionate, then I completely understand. However, when you and your date are only a matter of months from receiving your AARP cards, you simply must keep your hands off of each other in public. It’s like watching my parents make out. I saw no less than 4 pierced-and-dyed teenagers break into uncontrollable sobbing when they saw you and your date entangled during “Like a Stone”. I’m not asking you to act your age, but getting within a decade or four wouldn’t kill anybody.
Perhaps it is now pertinent to mention the flailing, bouncing, and hopping about in which you frequently engaged. You are sure to categorize your actions as “dancing”, but anyone who saw it is sure to dispute that definition. When people are packed in close quarters and you choose to drunkenly flail about like you did, consequences are sure to ensue. One such consequence is that your long hair is likely to end up in places you don’t want it to end up. Don’t worry too much…it was only your hair. It was, however, MY MOUTH.
I am certain that despite the fact that you acted like a shrieking teenager at her first ever NKOTB concert, you are a regular attendee of such shows. Please consider some of the items addressed in this letter next time. I am certain it will make for a more enjoyable experience for everyone.
Sincerely,
PS: Humor-blogs.com called, and they asked that you consider a bra next time, as well.
Filed under: guest who?
Hi. My name is Joel. I teach 7th Grade mathematics.
It always feels like a confession, because whenever I mention my real profession people look at me in one of two ways:
1. Like I just kicked them in the groin while they weren’t looking.
2. Like I just French kissed a rabid aardvark.
In other words, people either hate me because of what I represent or cannot fathom why I choose to do what I do. So, in an effort to give back to the countless people who have been wronged by their 7th Grade math experience and in an effort to explain my curious choice of vocation, I have decided to author a math textbook. Here’s the catch: I am endeavoring to make my textbook….wait for it…..interesting to students. Trust me, this is a truly groundbreaking idea in the field of mathematics textbooks. I will likely win some sort of Prestigious Math Award if I am able to pull this off. And, not to be self-serving, but have you seen what textbooks are selling for these days?!?
Anyhow, to accomplish my goal, I spent some time watching television programs and listening to music that teenagers would listen to. Here are a few of the questions that I have created based on my research. Answers can be found at the bottom of the post.
QUESTIONS:
1. a) Create a graph where the x-axis represents time and the y-axis represents the ratings of the television show “The O.C.”
b) Create a graph with the same x-axis, but this time let the y-axis represent the quality level of “The O.C.” over that same time period.
2. Take the amount of dollars represented in 50 Cent’s name and multiply it by the two-digit number found in the name of the group that performed “It’s Hard Out There for a Pimp”. Raise your answer to the power equal to the average number of music videos MTV plays during a given day. What is the final result?
3. If the average talentless socialite weighs 80 pounds, what percentage of her entire body mass is synthetic products?
4. Which of the following ratios reflect values over 100%?
a) Kevin Federline’s actual minutes of fame OVER The 15 minutes of fame everyone supposed he had coming to him a few years ago.
b) The number of male Hollywood-types who have “done” Paris Hilton OVER the number of male Hollywood-types who have claimed to have “done” Paris Hilton.
c) The number of songs performed by American Idol finalists that were hits OVER the number of songs performed by American Idol finalists that would have been considered by record labels had they been sung by someone other than an American Idol finalist.
d) All of the above.
5. Create a circle graph that compares the amount of original material in the song “Fergielicious” by Fergie to the amount of material in the song that borrowed heavily from Gwen Stefani’s “Hollaback Girl”
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ANSWERS:
2. [0.5(36)]^0 = 1 (Anything raised to the power of zero results in one. You didn’t even have to know that an Organization called “The Thirty-Six Mafia” sang the song in question).
3. 20/80 = .25 or 25%
4. d) All of the above
5.
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Only a few hundred questions to go!
Humor-blogs.com is divisible by zero.
It seems like just yesterday I was crashing this party, trying to get my hands on Princess Lampsha’s fortune, and now here I am introducing a guest poster, like I own the place. Anyway, this clever post was devised by a good friend of the Mattress Police, and now a friend of the Snark as well, Joel from Crummy Church Signs. If you haven’t visited CCS, you need to. I have said before, and I’ll say again, that his site probably has the highest laugh:word ratio of any site I’ve come across. You seriously won’t believe some of these godawful church signs. And Joel’s commentary… well, you’ll have to read it for yourself. Anyway, without further ado, I present Joel’s take on “reality” TV….
Hi everyone! This is Joel from Crummy Church Signs. Thanks to my new friends at the Snark for allowing me to guest post over here today. I appreciate the chance to extend myself beyond the genre of church-sign reviews. It may not appear so on the surface, but that particular genre can be pretty narrow sometimes.
Anyhow, to endear myself to a new readership, I though it might be fun to play a game! Do you remember MadLibs? A popular travel game in the 80’s, MadLibs had contestants pick out random words from categories (“verb”, “noun”, “proper name”), write them in blanks, and then turn a page to reveal a wacky story that they had just created.
Well, here is my first attempt at an on-line MadLibs game. Copy and paste the list below into Word, then type in words that fit in the 34 categories. Then print out the letter you see below the list (No Cheating! Do the list first!) and fill in your responses in the appropriately numbered blanks. See what a fun creation you have made!!
THE LIST:
(1) FIRST NAME: __________________________
(2) NAME OF MTV REALITY SHOW: (Choices might include “Real World”, “Road Rules”, “NEXT!”, “Dismissed”, “Date My Mom”, “Parental Control”, “The Gauntlet”, etc.) : ______________________
(3) ANY WORD THAT MEANS THE SAME AS “PREDETERMINED”:
___________________________
(4) ADJECTIVE THAT DESCRIBES “OUT OF WORK ACTORS”:
___________________________
(5) ACTIVITY THAT YOUNG PEOPLE ENJOY: ____________________
(6) ACTIVITY THAT YOUNG PEOPLE ENJOY BUT THEIR PARENTS DISAPPROVE OF: ____________________
(7) ACTIVITY THAT YOUNG PEOPLE ENJOY BUT THE LAWS OF ALL 50 STATES DISAPPROVE OF: __________________________
(8) PERCENT GREATER THAN 1.3%: _________________
(9) SYNONYM FOR “DRUNKEN”: ________________________
(10) SYNONYM FOR “REVELRY”: ________________________
(11) NAME(S) OF ANY BIBLICAL CITY (CITIES) THAT WERE COMPLETELY DESTROYED BY GOD IN HIS RIGHTEOUS ANGER:
___________________________________________
(12) SLIGHTLY RISQUE BODY PART(s): ____________________
(13) EXTREMELY RISQUE BODY PART(S): ____________________
(14) SLANG TERM FOR BODY PART(S) IN (12): __________________
(15) SLANG TERM FOR BODY PARTS IN (13): _______________
(16) ANY NUMBER BETWEEN 50 AND 99: __________________
(17) ANY NUMBER BETWEEN 90 AND 100: _________________
(18) ANY NUMBER BETWEEN 99 AND 100: _________________
(19) SYNONYM FOR “BOVINE EXCREMENT”: ________________________
(20) FAMOUS MURDERING DICTATOR: ____________________________
(21) FAMOUS SAINT: _____________________
(22) ANY USEFUL TALENT: _____________________
(23) ANY TALENT THAT, WHILE UNUSEFUL, AT LEAST PROVIDES SOME FORM OF MILD ENTERTAINMENT TO OTHERS: _________________
(24) ANY TALENT THAT SERVES NO USEFUL PURPOSE OR HAS NO ENTERTAINMENT VALUE WHATSOEVER:
_____________________________________________
(25) SEXUAL PREFERENCE: _________________
(26) A DIFFERENT SEXUAL PREFERENCE THAN (25): _________________
(27) A DIFFERENT SEXUAL PREFERENCE THAN (25) or (26):
__________________________________
(28) A DIFFERENT SEXUAL PREFERENCE THAN (25), (26), or (27):
____________________________________
(29) A NUMBER LESS THAN 12: ______________________
(30) A NUMBER LARGER THAN 21: ____________________
(31) ANY NUMBER IN THE TEENS: ________________
(32) ANY INTIMATE ACT THAT INVOLVES NO MORE OR NO LESS THAN GETTING TO SECOND OR THIRD BASE: _____________________________
(33) PARENTAL UNIT: ______________________________
(34) ONE OF THE NAMES OF THE DEVIL: ______________________
After choosing these 34 responses, click on the picture below, print it off, and fill in your responses in the appropriately numbered blanks. Enjoy!
~Joel
You can find lots of ________ and _________ at humor-blogs.com.
THE following BSA (Blogging Service Announcement) is brought to you by one of our favorite Snarksters, a charming young woman who claims to be on a blogging “break” but who still manages to delight us by smackin’ into the park every day (or so) with those freakin’ awesome red lips of hers. Of course we’re talkin’ about the Little Blue Pill, a.k.a. Jenna. We’d say more, but we just read through her post, and the phrase “shit-load-of-information” came to mind, so we’re gonna keep this short. Short and sweet, in hopes Jenna, a.k.a. Little Blue Pill with Very Red Lips won’t be too embarrassed and/or annoyed by the fuss that she decides to stop hanging around. We’d hate for that to happen, as we plan to exploit her talent ask her to write more for us, in the very near future. (don’t tell her, tho’, ‘cuz she already thinks we’re pushy, for reasons that are none of your business)
OH, the announcement? Apparently it has something to do with the latest brouhaha over Blogger Beta something-or-other… er, um, we wish we knew more, but since we don’t use Blogger, our eyes glazed over the minute we saw the word “brouhaha”. That said, we’re sure LBP’s information will be extremely helpful to those of you who do use Blogger Beta. Even if it’s not, do us a favor: Fake it. Lord knows we’ve done that enough times for you.
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Okay…the title of this post can relate to so many things. The Snupster pressuring me to start a blog (I didn’t! I am strong! I have willpower!) but I did offer to come play in the park more to which she said “Whoo-hoo!” so here I am…kinda not on a blogging hiatus. But this title really has nothing to do with how I came to be snarkin’ it up (really! trust me!) but because of a certain revolution coming our way on blogger.
And here we go…Little Blue Pill’s first Snark Bite! (If it sucks…do not tell me that…lie to me…please!) and here we go!
So…you have a blogger blog and now they’re threatening you with beta.blogger. Or you’re trying to comment on a beta.blog and, well, you can’t. Nothing like strong arm tactics to make you change to beta.blogger.
There are a few issues though and I (sadly) have no solutions to offer up. I know, I’m tarnishing my reputation for my brilliance. But this is what I know.
I do know that beta.blogger is a scary term for a lot of people. The beautiful Yummy Mummy filled my inbox with freak out emails about the future of beta.blogger and her template. “Relax,” I said, “you get to keep your template when you accept an invite.” “Oh?” “Yep.” Once you’ve accepted your beta.blogger threat invite, it will happily convert your blog to the new format and there will be your template. You won’t have all the cool widgets and label options but you have your template. There are two forms of blogger in beta.blogger just to confuse the crap out of you. Classic blogger (which is what your blog is when you first change over) and the new version with widgets and shit. So you get to keep your funkified template that you’ve sweated over on for years to get just right. But if you have a standard blogger template, I suggest updating it to the new version just so you can do cool shit like label your posts in categories, changes the colors (easily) to what you want, and play in the widgets that will let you add some pretty nifty stuff to your blog that’s not available in blogger or the Classic version in beta. Note: if you want the cool shit and you have a custom template: you’re going to lose the template. Sorry. So you have to decide: cool shit or your template. Now we all know that MizB is going to go with her template because that’s already cool shit!
Now comes the question of commenting. A guy I know is seriously pissed that he can’t use his wordpress link in beta.blogger comments. I told him to set up a profile then with a link to his site and he told me to fuck off shut up. (Un)fortunately he also has gmail but his gmail account isn’t set up to link to his wordpress site so it once commented as his name with a link that went nowhere. He was, how shall we say, ecstatic. I offered up another opinion and he told me to kiss his ass. Oh he so wishes. Minka our frustrated Penguin said she can’t comment on beta sites despite the fact that she’s a blogger. Yes, this is the strong arm tactics of Blogger to get you to switch only…you can’t switch without an invite. Fucking Brilliant! I’m not sure why you can’t comment on a beta.blog with your old id. I know it frustrates me when I can’t comment on on a beta.blog. I’m assuming this is some more strong arm tactics to get everyone to change over but, again, you need that damn threat invite.
There also seems to be a question of multi-blogs, ie you’re like me or our Yummy Mummy and you have more than one blog…do they all change over? Dunno. I tried to answer this question for you by switching over to beta (the sacrifices I’m willing to go for a post!).
Beta blogger buzz assures us that:
Switching with team blogs and getting out of beta
Just before the weekend we added the final piece to the transition from old Blogger to the new Blogger in beta: members of team blogs can now switch to the new Blogger. This is the last step before we take the new Blogger out of beta.Team blogs move when the blog’s original creator moves to the new Blogger. When that happens, team blog members will also have to move to the new Blogger in order to post. Team blog members don’t have to wait, though! If you move to the new Blogger, team blogs you didn’t create will still show up on your beta Dashboard. You’ll be able to post with them as before, though they won’t have the new features of the new Blogger. We wrote a help article to explain this all in a bit more depth.
At this point, the pieces are in place:
* The new Blogger is feature complete
* All new accounts are created on the new version
* Known issues on the new Blogger are few and getting fewer
* (Almost*) all users are able to move their blogs to the new BloggerThis all means that we’ll be removing the “beta” from the new Blogger very soon! At that time, we’ll begin the process of requiring that users of old Blogger move to new Blogger.
* = From time to time we may limit switching in order to keep old and new Blogger functioning smoothly. Also, users with particularly large blogs may not switch right now. This latter restriction will be gradually lifted.
— Pete [12/11/06 9:30 AM]
Fuck Damned if I know what this means. I just signed into blogger, got the invite and said “Okay. Update me bastards.” and it said “Oops, sorry, you can’t be updated because of a few blogs.” Sigh. Clearly they haven’t conquered that team blogger shit that they were spouting off or I’d be updating as I type this out. So, like I said, the big sacrifice I was making for y’all was fruitless so…until I can answer this clearly…I’m just gonna sit here, look pretty and vague and shrug.
I will suggest that you do this. Create a fictional beta.blogger ID. One you can happily forget you ever owned and is no way connected to your blog now, create a beta.blog and test it out BEFORE you switch over. Become comfortable with it before you are a beta blogger. It’s what I did so that when the switch came it was easy peasy. Also you’re less likely to fear your beta.blogger threat invite if you’ve dabbled in the beta zone. Part of the problem I think is that blogger has had so many issues with beta that it has reached Godzilla-like chaos so everyone’s afraid of it. Don’t fear the beta…just test it out first. Switching over is easy. I just wish it was easier on team/multi blogs. Sigh.
So what have we learned? No one knows what the fuck hell is going on with beta.blogger especially those at blogger. All we know is the revolution is coming and soon everything will change. Once you’re in beta.blogger it’s not scary. It’s actually…kinda cool once you get over the frustration of it all. Should we be afraid of the new revolution? Nah…it’s just a pain in the ass until they figure all their shit out. But god…the pressure to change over, to buckle to the peer pressure. Sigh.
PS: Totally unrelated to this beta.blogger crap. Queen Snuppy had mentioned how she and Empress Lampy had problems with youtubes not loading in blogger. One thing blogger will do is drop the {/embed} (exchanged brackets for this > stuff) if you switch from HTML view to Compose view. Add the code back into the HTML view (without going back to Compose to test that you have the video because…that’s what you did right? Just click on VIEW POST instead) and the video should work. Fun shit huh?
And if you read this entire post and it made sense to you…shit…I’m brilliant.
~Little Blue Pill (with Very Red Lips)
WHOOPS. Once again we managed to let the morning slip past us without getting a post up in a timely fashion, and for that, we are truly sorry. Okay, maybe sorry is too strong a word… but we DO feel bad. Especially since we didn’t have anything to write about when we finally sat down at our computer. We hate when that happens. Of course, we had no way of knowing WordPress was gonna be such a bitch about letting us do any kind of post today, but we digress…
SO you can imagine our relief and/or joy to find the following neatly typed guest post waiting for us right next to a cup of piping hot coffee and a warmed bran muffin. You see, one of our favorite Snarksters–who also happens to be a warm and witty young woman, a wonderful mother, and one of the most wholesome people we’ve ever had the pleasure to know–CJ, works part time for one of our FAVORITE coffee companies (what can we say, one of our kids works there, too), Starbucks. Hence the impetus for her post.
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I grew up in central Minnesota, the area in which Garrison Keillor speaks of that fictional town of Lake Wobegone. While the town name was fictional, the geographic and social references he makes are truths. For our very first coffee talk together I thought that I would create a Minnesota morning coffee.
I’ll start off the conversation around the table with some questions
that I get a lot, and then you have any coffee questions I’ll be happy to answer them. Do you have time for a cup of coffee? Please friends, grab your favorite coffee cup and pull up a chair. I have a pot of coffee brewing and it’ll be ready soon.
How’s Starbucks?
You know I really love my part time job. I am so glad that I took the chance to get out of the house for a few hours a week. I am amazed with all the different things I have learned about coffee and tea – and have started my journey to being a coffee master. (You get to wear a black apron with your name on it and are considered a coffee expert.)
That is a unique name, how did they get the name Starbucks?
Well, do you remember what Captain Ahab’s first mate’s name was? Me either, but at work they tell me its Starbuck and it got its name from the book Moby Dick.
Do you know how coffee was discovered?
Of course I do, that is Coffee 101 at Starbucks! One night a goat shepherd noticed his goats were pretty agitated and wouldn’t sleep at night when they ate the berries off a special bush. He decided that he’d go into business keeping other Shepherds up at night. Ok, that second part isn’t true but truly the first part is – agitated goats – I swear.
Help yourself to the sugar cookies people, don’t be shy! I hear the pot whistle, so coffee is on – What’s new with you? How are you doing?
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UH…agitated goats? Really? Who knew? Apparently, CJ. See why we love this girl?? Seriously, thank you so much, sweet CJ, for providing this blog with such percolating fodder for discussion! (in our heads, that made sense) Okay kids, the coffee shop floor’s all yours… let ‘er drip rip.
~ snuppy
Central Snark 
