A post in which we mock ourselves mercilessly for failing to notice that TEH PENGUIN has yet to return to the “Snarky Fold”, and then rail against the “forces of evilishness” responsible for undoing our best laid plans to
get our nails done attend to a few pieces of Very Important Business… Even as we work at a feverish pace to win back our Icelandic friend and/or maintain our impressive new and improved “stats” on Humor-blogs.com.
DEAR Feather-brained Maroon…
REMEMBER when you thought it would be okay to wait until the 15th to pay the mortgage, only to discover that The Helpful Staff at your Local Lending Company cares less about postmarks and more about getting their grubby paws on your savings ASAP, chastising you with the words “what about the phrase due on the 5th don’t you get?”, and then decided to charge you an additional late fee of $317? Bad enough to know a mere $4.19 is allotted each month towards something The Bank jokingly refers to as “principal”, did you really need to give them a reason to demand additional monies you don’t have? Of course not. Well guess what, Brainiac, putting yourself in the position of having to write a post at the last freaking minute, when you have More Important Things to do with your morning (like taking down a crispy Christmas tree deemed a “hazard” by the Stamford Fire Marshal, mailing that large/heavy box to the aforementioned Penguin, and/or getting a manicure), definitely falls into that category. Only, instead of paying out insidious amounts of cold hard e-monies to person and/or persons currently sucking your account dry, now you’re charged with the task of crafting something coherent and/or amusing in just under 2 hours (assuming you plan to keep your nail appointment this morning, and we know you do).
OKAY, so maybe teh Penguin did tell you she planned to write something brilliant for today, but that’s beside the point. Teh point, which didn’t have to spend endless hours at the terminal Sunday Night in hopes of getting home in time to ring in the New Year with 300,000 close friends is this: Minka’s promise came before you deleted all her pictures — the same photos she told you she might like to share with a few of her bloggy friends, remember? If that ain’t grounds for going AWOP (Absent Without Posting) we don’t know what is. That said, won’t she be happy to know we “found” a few shots on our own camera she never saw? Why yes, we believe she will. Hopefully she won’t mind too terribly if one or two are slightly out of focus…
TEH PENGUIN’S VACATION
(in 6 pictures…)
WHAT can we say? Despite your good “luck” in locating what few pictures remain of Teh Penguin’s American Christmas Vacation — which afforded you the opportunity to blog about something today — we’re disappointed in your lack of foresight and/or inability to think beyond the price of postage to Iceland and/or what shade of polish will be Expertly Applied to your soon-to-be-buffed nails. Get it together, won’t you please? If not for us, do it for… no, wait… come to think of it, you should do it for us, because we’re nothing, if not you. D’oh!
Only a feather-brained maroon would wait ’til the last minute to read Humor-blogs.com.
OKAY so now that everyone and their Aunt Fannie knows about the way we stupidly destroyed every single one of the fabulous pictures documenting TEH PENGUIN’S Christmas Vacation in America, we think it’s safe to say we ended 2007 on a pretty stinky note. That said, far are we’re concerned, our careless act of Memory Vandalism was among the least egregious of all the things that happened because of us — and/or to us — that contributed to making 2007 the Year of Suck*. Which is why we’re so flippin’ ecstatic to finally be able to pat 2007 on the head as we kick its lame ass out the door.
NATURALLY, our ability to wave goodbye to a lousy year is beside the point. The point, which would have preferred to sleep in, is that, on a day dedicated to Rose Parades and/or bowl games, we thought it might be fun to shift the focus from Acts of Random Stupidity to Stupid Actions in Sports. Why? Because we can. Also, because we’re too tired to come up with anything else, what with all our celebratory activities last night, including, but not limited to: watching TV, eating Mexican take-out, and drinking one too many cups of tea. (oh yeah, like none of you have ever had to get up more than once during the night to pee) Besides, last time we looked, a few of you were — and are — sports fans. So shut up and enjoy the fact that we’re not “featuring” another Holiday “rerun” today (altho’, we have to say we honestly thought the FIRST POST OF LAST YEAR was pretty damn good).
SPEAKING of Die Hard Sports Fans, many thanks to BOBO (not blogging much these days, are we?), who’s own “bad year” included a piss poor showing by his beloved team, the St. Louis Rams (3-13 in regular season? wow, they were suck) for showing us the following video — which serves, we think, as an excellent reminder to one and all NOT to sweat the small stuff, because… Shit Happens.
(originally, we were going to show a shorter version of the clip — but elected to share this one because it includes the #1 “sports blooper” of last year, which kind of made us cringe, but mostly cracked us up)
Every day’s a good day at HUMOR-BLOGS.COM.
*2007 was BEYOND good for more reasons than we care to list here — suffice to say we smiled almost as much as we cringed and/or cried over the past 12 months. Here’s hoping ALL of you can say the same.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
and, of course…
There. Done. Bam!
Ok, this is probably going to come off just a little negative, but I can’t honestly say I’ve ever met anyone who has kept a major new year’s resolution commitment. And you wanna know why? Easy. It’s because most people pick things that are too insanely impossible in the first place.
“I currently chain-smoke 3 packs a day but I’m going to quit smoking cold turkey on Tuesday.”
“I’m going to train all winter and run my first marathon this spring!”
“I’M going to eat nothing but organic vegetables grown within 2 miles of my house!”
Shut up. Just shut up. You’ll never last a week and you’ll be more miserable for trying when you fail. So why even bother?
I say if you HAVE to make a resolution – which you don’t – then make it something you can actually follow through on.
For example – stop picking your nose in your car at intersections. Or start leaving money in the basket for the donuts you eat at church on Sunday. Or give up watching SpongeBob SquarePants for the first 4 hours of every Saturday (ok, that one’s not as easy as it sounds). Little things like that. Little things that make you feel good about yourself. Little things that make you say “Hey – I’m not a total loser!”
So that’s my advice to you as this new year rolls on in. Keep it easy, keep it light, and most of all keep it to yourself. Because I really don’t want to have to pretend I’m going to support you in your unrealistic attempt to better yourself when I know you’re not going to last past January 2nd in the first place. But that’s only because years ago I vowed to be the most open and honest person I can be at all times. See, the good resolutions DO stick!
And now on a related note, I’m going to leave you with a little pencil sketch I made when I was touring as a mere youngster on the road – just after I had returned from playing some small islands in the South Pacific with the USO. I guess I was fascinated by the concept of desert islands at the time and the thought of being stranded on one was on my mind. Of course I’ve updated the caption to reference this next year instead.
Happy New Year everyone! I hope you have a fabulous and resolution-free holiday!
The ONLY resolution you should make is to stop by Humor-blogs.com!
WISH YOU WERE HERE!!!
Family Reunion in the Bahamas: $5,000
Memorable Christmas cards featuring Reunion Photo: $100
Stamps for sending Reunion Photo Christmas Card to everyone: $82
NOT noticing sunbather over Cousin Dodie’s left shoulder:
PS: Since this is a “family(ish)” blog, we elected to spare you all the nuts and/or bolts of this charming (real) holiday greeting. That being said, we naturally wouldn’t want to deny anyone the opportunity to check out Waldo, the wanton sun-worshipper in the privacy of their own office and/or bathroom, if they so desired — which is why we included a link to the full picture, accessible by one click of the mouse (the one next to your computer and/or in your pocket, depending upon your persuasion).
Franks ‘n beans are on the menu at HUMOR-BLOGS.COM.
CALL us crazy, but we think this may be the BEST Christmas card, ever. And we’re not just saying that because A) it was sent to us via e-mail by our beloved cane-totin’ son, in lieu of giving us an Actual Card and/or Gift, B) speaking of gifts, we have many (from people who are NOT our son) we need to exchange, and are freaking out at thoughts of attempting to do so on the Busiest Freakin’ Shopping Day of the Whole Freakin’ Year, C) it’s Boxing Day in Canada, which means, uh, something, D) following 38 back-to-back viewings of our Favorite Christmas Movie, we want to shoot our eye out, and D) we ate so much Delicious Holiday Food for dinner last night we almost puked.
ALSO, we never quite got around to mailing out any of our Actual Christmas Cards to any of our Actual Friends, of which there are very few. And we’re not talking about the folks who saw fit to send US Actual Christmas Cards, like, say, our Landscape Service People, the Staff at Starbucks, and/or Lenny, the Bug Guy. These people are quite nice and certainly appreciate our business, but we know what a “friend” is, and Lenny? Just because we’ve listened to you ramble about that “girlfriend” you’ve been stalking and/or your “issues” with her need for “time off” (it’s been 2 years Lenny, let it go) don’t think for one minute we consider you a “friend”. You creep us out, Lenny, and we think you know that — or you will the moment you pull off those “if I can get her alone for a few weeks I know I can make her love me” blinders. But, as too often happens when we’re wondering how to get Lenny out of our lives and/or bending over the toilet in order to relieve ourselves of too much figgy pudding, we digress. We were telling you about the cards we didn’t mail, which are currently stacked neatly on the counter, next to all the gifts we plan to
list on ebay return, after the first of the year. Ho Ho Woe...
According to our Ungrateful Son, the above festive/charming e-card was found on [adult swim]— home to many fine and/or disturbing programs.
Next year, everyone’s getting a subscription to Humor-blogs.com.
Filed under: crummy letters, holidays, the best in fake news reports
(This article compiled from various wire reports)
HEAVEN (AP): Jesus Christ, longtime namesake of the holiday “Christmas”, has issued a statement through heaven’s lone lawyer, asking that His Name be completely removed from the aforementioned holiday.
Said Christ, “Many of My followers get uptight when people use X-mas to remove my name from the holiday. But quite frankly, I prefer it that way. Seriously…have you even seen what happens leading up to this day?!?”
Christ, known during his time on earth as an advocate for the poor and downtrodden, continued: “Riots in shopping malls? Fistfights over video game systems? Spending exorbitant amounts of money on people who already have everything they could possibly ask for? Does that sound like something I’d like to be involved in? Pick one of those other pretend deities and name this holiday after them. I’m through with it. Besides, I was very likely born in the springtime.”
In His statement, Christ produced graphs and documentation that the Christmas holiday has suffered a sharp downward moral spiral over the past few decades. While gifts to the poor have increased over this time, they have not increased at the same rate as greed, gluttony, self-centeredness, and violent temper tantrums as a result of not getting a Wii that I asked for TWO WHOLE YEARS IN A ROW.
“Look, I’m all for the large amounts of time spent with the family during the holidays,” Christ continued. “That part I can get behind. However, I already created a time when families are supposed to get together and think about Me. It’s called ‘Sunday‘. Perhaps this X-mas time would be less stressful for everyone if you took advantage of the 52 other times during the year when you’re supposed to be together.”
Christ refused to lay all of the blame at the feet of secular commercialism: “My children are the cause of a lot of My consternation…as usual. I mean, have you seen how eager they are to nail me to a cross? These days, you can’t get through an X-mas message without hanging Me out to dry by the end of it. They’re trying to kill me quicker than Herod did when I was born for real the first time! For My sakes, can you not let the Son of Man live His 33 years before killing Him?!? Do they not realize that without those 33 perfect years, that cross didn’t mean diddly-squat?” Such strong language only emphasizes Christ’s seriousness regarding this issue.
When asked for a reaction to Christ’s statement, most of the world’s Christians had their mouths too full of mashed potatoes and/or stuffing to understand what they were saying. At the time of this printing, no other deities had offered to attach their name to the holiday in Christ’s stead.
Christ completed his statement by admitting that the entire idea of Christmas was not entirely unsalvageable. “Look, I’m a forgiving guy. It’s kinda my shtick. Can we just get back to the basics of this holiday? Let’s focus on giving, let’s focus on the most downtrodden, let’s focus on children and widows and the needy. Even crazier, let’s focus on the sinful. In short, let’s focus on the people whom I focused on while I was here on earth. Please?!?”
Since I didn’t know who he had booked, I stayed tuned, eager to enjoy another quality musical guest. But imagine my surprise when camera panned over to the stage and instead found…
GAH!I thought these guys were long dead. I guess that explains why Dee Snider looks like he’s been exhumed.
Last year Twisted Sister celebrated their 30th anniversary as a band, and to cap it off they released this new holiday album called… you guessed it – “A Twisted Christmas“.
And so the other night I watched them play their very twisted version of O Come All Ye Faithful which (cleverly?) superimposes the words directly over the same melody as We’re Not Gonna Take It.
Hmm, he didn’t figure that out until now? I remember thinking that was a rip-off 23 years ago when that song first came out.
Anyway, the act was entertaining – in a “it’s really hard to not watch a train wreck” kind of way. The poor band looks exactly like a weather-beaten version of the original, except for the “please just shoot me now” expressions they now wear on their faces.
Here’s the video of their version of O Come All Ye Faithful.
As I’m sure you discovered right away, having actual acting skills were not as much a prerequisite for this gig as much as having large breasts and the ability to shake your hair around.
Of course I’m quite sure you weren’t surprised to find they managed to add a sexy “video chick” to a classic Christmas song such as O Come All Ye Faithful. But then again isn’t that their job?
I mean duh – this IS Twisted Sister!!!
Ye faithful always come to Humor-blogs.com for truly twisted humor!