THANK goodness we have friends who love us so much they feel compelled to share Helpful Marriage Tips with us at the drop of a soufflé and/or the click of a high heel. After reading through the following bits o’ advice, however, we couldn’t help but wonder: how in the wide wide world of Martha Stewart did we mange to muddle our way through 23 years of marriage without knowing this
shit information? Information, we hasten to add, laid out in rich and beautiful detail — which seems as completely relevant now as it was when it first graced the gloriously domestic pages of Good Housekeeping, back in 1955. We used to wonder why our mom drank so much. Now, not only do we understand, we can’t figure out why on Earth she didn’t run away from home when she had the chance.
How To Be A “Good” Wife
1. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home (because they’ve been drinking all day) and the prospect of a good meal — especially his favorite dish (pizza? canned soup? cereal?) — is part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking (brush your teeth. pluck that chin hair). Remember, your husband has just been with a lot of work-weary people! (including Lola, his assistant, who’s measurements are 46-23-35)
3. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. (in other words, bend over and take it up the ass?)
4. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. (at the very least, make sure Ramón, the cabana boy, is no longer hiding in the closet)
5. Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables. (or take away your husband’s white gloves and/or hand him the friggin’ mop, because, damn.)
6. Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for (and/or under) him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction (especially if you’re stoned and/or basking in the glow of that sweaty romp you had earlier in the day with Ramón).
7. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. (if necessary, use drugs and/or a muzzle)
8. Be happy to see him (pretend he’s someone else, like say, Ramón)
9. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him
10. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first — remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours. (Calls from the bill collector, Junior’s broken arm and/or a pay raise for the hard working cabana boy are nothing compared to your husband’s hilarious story of how the boss called Marty in Accounting, “Sid”)
11. Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax. (Lipstick on his collar? No worries, a little Tide will take out that stain in no time. For future reference, cold water works best on blood)
12. Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. (Or, upon finding that stain on his collar and the hotel room key in his pocket, kill him. That way his “spirit” will be “free”)
13. Don’t greet him with complaints and problems (rolling pins are significantly more effective)
14. Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day (by “through” do they mean Lola?)
15. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. (or lay him out on the kitchen floor with the aforementioned rolling pin)
16. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him (laced with arsenic)
17. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes (and by “pillow” they mean “penis” and by “take off his shoes” they mean, “knock his socks off”)
18. Speak in a low, soothing, and pleasant voice (that way, the word “divorce” won’t sound so scary)
19. Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him (you do, however, have the right to 50% of his property and sole custody of the kids)
LAST, but certainly not least…
20. A “good” wife always knows her place.
*** *** *** *** ***
BELIEVE it or not… we DO have a few things to add to this “How To” List, and we plan to do just that as soon as we manage to gather up what’s left of our exploded brain (last seen scattered over the freshly mopped kitchen floor), in order to stuff it back into our fragile-yet-numb little skulls. Needless to say, that might take a while.
A good wife sets her computer’s default page on HUMOR-BLOGS.COM.
OH how we lovelovelove it when our son saves us the trouble of coming up with a topic for a post. Witness the following e-mail* sent earlier in the week regarding Unfortunate Website Names that made it onto the ‘net:
Top 10 REASONS…
to re-think that URL before committing it to the internet
1. First up, a company called ‘Who Represents‘ featuring agents who represent bona fide stars, like, say, Britney Spears and/or Paris Hilton. Their domain name… wait for it: whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at: expertsexchange.com
3. If you’re looking for a great ball point, the good folks at Pen Island can help: penisland.net
4. Best way to find someone to help sort through all those relationship issues? therapistfinder.com
5. Anyone in need of backup electricity might want to contact the Italian Power Generator company: powergenitalia.com (we checked this one out and discovered the site was “under construction”, meaning it may or may not be a real company)
6. To create the perfect backyard playground for your kids, be sure to consult with the landscape experts at Mole Station Native Nursery, (based in New South Wales): molestationnursery.com (bless their hearts, the owners apparently realized the error or their URL ways, and have since changed the name)
7. Bad joke or good computer software? You decide: ipanywhere.com
8. A little slice of heaven can be found at First Cumming Methodist Church — cummingfirst.com
9. Fast, fanciful and full of gas?: speedofart.com
10. Finally (and we think this is hilarious) an online holiday brochure for folks hoping to “get lucky” in beautiful Lake Tahoe: gotahoe.com
*truth be told, the e-mail our son sent was worded differently, but we need to give credit where credit is due — mostly because we’re not capable of making up website names like the ones you see in this post.
PS: our son chided us justthisminute for not crediting the website responsible for doing these links in the first place. Anyone interested can learn more about ’em HERE. We know nothing about this site, and, as such, are not comfortable recommending it to any of you. That said, since our son apparently does read it from time to time, we suppose it can’t be all bad…
Seymor Butz and Ollie Tabooger hang out at HUMOR-BLOGS.COM.
and realize there can be humor even at the very end. A friend send me an e-mail with tombstone pictures. Yes I know, I need new friends. But this one was….with respect to everyone dwelling in such bone-polishing places… rather funny.
“Here lies my Wife / in Earthy Mold / Who when she Died / and naught but Scold / Good Friends go softly / in your walking / Lest she should Wake / and Rise up Talking”
Ladies, let this be a warning to you. Instruct someone else, besides your hubby, to take care of your gravestone before you move on!
There are some really good epitaphs out there and here are my favorite three (that I know of):
1. Mel Blanc: “That’s all folks!”
A great voice actor, Mel Blanc’s characters included Bugs Bunny, Porky Pig, Yosemite Sam and Sylvester the Cat. He died of heart disease and emphysema in 1989 and his epitaph might be one of his best-known lines.
2. Spike Milligan: “Dúirt mé leat go raibh mé breoite.”
A Gaelic epitaph belonging to an Irish comedian. It translates as “I told you I was ill.” Milligan died of liver failure in 2002. He was famous for his sense of humor which can easily be seen in films such as Monty Python’s Life of Brian.
3. Joan Hackett: “Go away — I’m asleep.”
An actress in teh 1960s and 70s (The Twilight Zone and Bonanza), died in 1983 of ovarian cancer at age 49.
Joan Hackett’s epitaph quoted a sign
hung on her dressing room door.
and one that gave me a laughter belly ache:
John Yeast: “Here lies Johnny Yeast. Pardon me for not rising.”
I can’t find anything about him or his death, not even his profession … but how funny would it be if he would have been a baker?
Don’t forget to play with the Un-dead over at homor-blogs!
With the exception of a few minor embarrassments such as Jesse Ventura, Vikings football and the fact that we’ve become known as the gay bathroom sex capital of the world, Minnesota is a pretty nifty place.
And one reason is that Minnesota has a lot to offer, such as our beautiful 10,000 lakes, our stellar medical industry and our ginormous mall – formally known as the “Mall of Holy crap, this place is so frikken huge you’ll have to walk 8 miles just to shop at 4 different stores for a pair of gloves!” which of course didn’t fit on the sign (or denote a very positive message for that matter), so they instead claimed it as the representative mall of the entire western hemisphere and shortened it to “Mall of America” instead.
So, even though we have a lot to offer, there are many people who innocently find their way here completely unprepared for life in Minnesota. As a Scandinavian Minnesotan, I am genetically programmed to slog my way through winter and pretend it doesn’t bother me, that’s what we do here. But please don’t be naive – this place is not for everyone.
That’s why I’m here to give those of you who have yet to make the migration to our hardy state some tips that will hopefully help prepare you for the things they don’t tell you in the tourism brochures.
IF you feel you have to live here, you’re much better off embracing the things you can’t change, rather than fighting them to no avail and inevitably regretting your decision to move here in the first place.
Embrace the seasons – This is what we tell ourselves once summer has ended after only four weeks. “But the colors are SO beautiful in the fall here. THAT’S why I love Minnesota so much!” Learn to adopt that phrase.
Embrace God’s little creatures – Ok, who am I kidding, I’m talking about mosquitoes – who miraculously emerge with the spring thaw (in June) and stay with us until every living crow has been infected with West Nile Virus sometime in late August. But you’ve heard the argument… without mosquitoes, there would be no food for the birds and bats. Without birds and bats… (insert food chain here)… the world would come to an end. We certainly don’t want to be responsible for that now, do we.
Embrace the winter activities – Honestly, how could you NOT be excited about the prospect of fishing for eel pout while sitting on a pickle pail in the middle of a frozen lake in -10 degree weather?
Embrace your auto mechanic – No literally, give him a big hug. Because he will become your best friend and most important ally in the war against winter.
Embrace December 22nd – By the time December 21st (the “shortest” day of the year in terms of daylight) rolls around, some people are tired of going to and coming home from work in the dark. That’s why we celebrate December 22nd as being the “first day that the days only get longer from here on out” day. I know it’s not officially recognized on the list of holidays, but it sure as hell means more to us than, say – Arbor Day.
Embrace Lutefisk – Pfffttt, just kidding – that was a sick joke! Except for a few ancient immigrants from the old country, I’ve never met one sane Minnesotan who willingly eats this slimy crap. Recently the word got out that this stuff is actually soaked in lye before it’s cooked and well, that just kind of took that fun out of it. And the taste.
Yes, there are many more “special qualities” to Minnesota that aren’t listed here, but these should be a good start for the screening process to help you decide if you have a thick enough
head skin to live here.
But don’t get this confused with what we call the screening process… you know, the process to patch all the holes in our screens – so God’s little creatures don’t get into our houses.
You’ll laugh your ass off, not freeze it off at Humor-blogs.com!
EVERY stinking time we hear (and/or say) that line we totally crack up. Because, let’s face it, one can put a “sexual” spin on just about any phrase. Unfortunately, this post has nothing to do with spins — sexual or otherwise* — for we’re guessing NO one wants to take a ride on the Dirty Sex Express after viewing Waldo’s wrinkled wares, yesterday, but that’s beside the point. The point, which almost made us blind when we saw it dangling between Waldo’s skinny legs, is that women say
stupid shit leading things all the time. Naturally and/or (apparently) confusingly, what a woman wants and what comes out of her mouth aren’t always the same thing. (that’s what he said) At least that’s what one of our friends told us — the same friend who insists upon sending us silliness after silliness via e-mail.**. What? You didn’t think we ever bothered to read our Many and Often Annoying Electronic Messages? Well listen up — despite our reticence to answer everyone’s notes, we actually DO check our in-box from time to time, just to make sure it’s still working. (that’s what she said)
What She Says v. What She Means
(a tutorial for Men)
1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she’s getting dressed, this means a half an hour. If she’s shopping, it means 3 hours. “Five minutes” is only 5 minutes if you’ve been given time to watch the game before cleaning out the garage and/or doing the dishes.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. “Nothing” means “f*cking huge and/or horrific”. Interestingly, arguments that begin with “nothing” often end in “fine”.
4. Go ahead and/or Do it: Both are dares, NOT words of permission. Do Not, under any circumstances, “go ahead” and/or “do it”.
5. Loud sigh: Not so much a “word” as a non-verbal statement frequently misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you’re an idiot and wonders why she’s wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about “nothing”. [see #3]
6. That’s OK: This phrase is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. “That’s OK” means she wants to think long and hard (heh) before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. Because you will pay for your mistake. Oh yes, you. will. pay.
7. Whatever: This is a woman’s way of saying “fuck you”.
8. Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, which loosely translated means: “Are you deaf, dumb… and blind? Do you want me to break a nail? Mother was right, you are an idiot.” This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response, refer back to #3.
9. I’ll think about it: Not in this lifetime, asshole.
10. Does this make me look fat?: Only a complete moron with a death wish would actually answer this question. Trust us, she doesn’t want to know if “this” makes her look “fat”, she wants to know if you’re still attracted to her. And not in a way that means she’s horny, so forget taking off your pants when you tell her she looks “nice”.
NOW we know what you’re thinking (those of you currently scratching your heads and/or balls, depending upon your “equipment”): is there a reason women process information differently from men? According to the following (completely hilarious) clip, there is:
AS always, we feel obliged to mention who’s behind the material we’re sharing. (that’s what he said) In this case, the sketch is the brainchild of British comedian, HARRY ENFIELD, a man, far as we can tell, who’s utterly hilarious from top to bottom. (that’s what she said)
Yes, you idiot, the girls are funny on HUMOR-BLOGS.COM.
*Speaking of spins (which we were) DJ LAMPSHA will surely come to the rescue with another Award Winning Spin, tomorrow, Shirley.
**Once we finally DID read our e-mail, we found a note from our favorite bloggoddess, MIZ BOHEMIA, who, as it happens, has a new post up for your enjoyment and/or perusal. Ours, too. Oh, and take your time, she’s not known for brevity, but, well worth the time/effort it takes to read her many words and/or watch her in glorious action! 😉
ONE of the (many) things we love about our friends, is that they (sometimes) send us hilarious stuff via e-mail. In a sea of spam, it’s a genuine treat to find such flotsam and/or jetsam, especially when we’re at a loss for something to write. Not that that’s the case today, mind you, for we have Many Interesting Topics from which to plumb a good post. Still, we couldn’t help but chuckle when we saw the header REAL NEWSPAPER ADS, in a note we got from a lovely pal with a true passion for dogs (she has 3) as well as for silliness (something we’ve been accused of, ourselves) and we found it difficult NOT to share. Hopefully you’ll find the following listings as amusing as we did. If not, kindly keep your opinions to yourselves — we suffer under the delusion we know good humor when we see it (witness JEFF’S hilarious debut Snark post, yesterday) — no point bursting our laugh bubbles just because you wouldn’t know a good joke if it was served up on a hot plate with a side of fried potatoes, right?
REAL (really) NEWSPAPER ADS
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER:
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
Mother, AKC German Shepherd
Father, Super Dog…able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat… Been out a while.
Better be a reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
Moving along to a few other “interesting” items…
$300 hardly used, call Chubby.
California grown — 89 cents lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica
45 volumes, Excellent Condition
$1000 or best offer
No longer needed, Got Married last month
Wife knows everything.
OKAY, so maybe we’re the only ones who think these are funny. But guess what? We’re the only ones writing this post. So, you know, neener neener neener. If you don’t like it, feel free to take that damn platter of cold fries and… go sit at someone else’s blog. (sorry, we get testy when we’re hungry and/or making an effort to make you laugh)
Free to good home: Humor-blogs.com.
*Speaking of crummy ads and/or Humor-blogs.com (and we were) — be sure to check out CRUMMY(not)JOEL‘s crummy (SO not) book about Crummy Church Signs. There’s still time to pick up a copy (or 12) before the Holiday Rush depletes his supply and/or — despite the bargain price — renders he and his lovely wife so wealthy they move to Bermuda in order to live in a diamond house next door to Michael Douglas and his wife, Catherine Alpha-Beta-Zeta-Jones, Inc. Just sayin’… we got finally our own copies yesterday (yeah, he sent ours out last, and what’s up with that?), and were
shocked surprised delighted to note the book is not just “good”, it’s really really good — maybe even brillaint. (what can we say, we loveloveloved it, and are reasonably certain you kids will, too)
Also, we’re of a mind to believe he’ll return to the Snark fold once the newness of publishing a book begins to wane. Of course, that’s what we thought would happen after DIESEL published his speclaughlar book, and you see how well that’s worked out.
You have to excuse me this week, I am preparing for 5 mind-boggling finals and all I need is to laugh and forget for a second that I got a few brain cells. Nothing tickles a European as much as the
silliness quirkiness that Americans can display. Mind you, we have enough of our own, but it is way easier to point at others.
• Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.
I can understand that, why use animals, when you have enough visually equal humans to fill that role.
• Even though it is legal to hunt a bear, it is illegal to wake a bear and take a picture for photo opportunities.
That makes sense, guess they lost a lot of people that way!
• Flirtation between the members of the opposite sex on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term.
I can make my peace with that! I’d feel differently if BIG Rock was concerned.
Hollywood: It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
On account of there already being enough mewling buffoons located within the vicinity.
• Crippe Creek: It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building.
Does this include the bell boy?
• In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.
That is so boink-ist. What if it is too depressed to bounce?
In all fairness, I have not contacted the local authorities to check these bits of trivia, but I think the world is a more colorful place with them in it. If you have a few silly rules that you know off, share them with us!
The only rule at Homor-Blogs is that there are no rules (and to worship Diesel of course!)