Central Snark


Deep Thoughts by Snuppy
Friday, 9 November 2007, 9:30am
Filed under: funny..., Sex, Ed?

If you ever discover that what you’re seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.” ~Jack Handey

deep thoughtsYEAH YEAH — it’s Friday, and that means we’re supposed to be talking about S.E.X. Well guess what? Because someone we all love* is currently in a state of despair over the health of her mother, we can’t bring ourselves to get too terribly down and “dirty”. Instead we’d prefer to stay up (that’s what he said, after popping a little blue pill) and lofty (that’s what she said from atop her high horse, after realizing there was NO way in hell to keep up with him). Nope, we’re all about the “insightful” this week (or we are as of now), which is why we’ve decided to link you all to the One, the Only, the Official

DEEP THOUGHTS WEBSITE

NATURALLY, we realize not everyone is familiar with Jack Handey’s wonderful wordsmithery, but guess what? We don’t care. That’s right, we think his writings, while on the quirky side of “odd” — are nothing short of brilliantly hilarious, and suspect most of you will eventually come to love his stuff as much as we do. In the process we’re hoping that maybe, just maybe you’ll find yourselves a little faux inspiration to help you muddle through the upcoming weekend.

Speaking of all things up ‘n coming (down boys)… we promise to tackle something decidedly more tantalizing and/or “visceral” next week, assuming everyone’s in the mood for that sort of thing. That said, anyone desperate for a little Sex, Ed? can always click on that picture at the top of the page in order to be whisked off to the post that kicked this feature off in the first place, the one we happily referred to as: Hot Sex. Just saying, no one’s stopping you from having a “good time”. We’re just suggesting you do so without our help.

ADDENDUM: you kids might also like to visit MORGAN for other thoughts on having a good time on your own. Nothing says “excessive self-pleasuring” like a Vibrator Exchange. Oy.

~snuppy

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. Unless the crybaby’s upset because he just couldn’t grasp the “funny” on Humor-blogs.com — in which case everyone gets to laugh because, man, that guy’s pathetic.

*ON a more personal note: please keep Gina (aka “Lampsha”) and her family in your hearts, thoughts, and prayers today as they grieve for their mother, who passed away yesterday morning. Gina, please know how much we all love you, and how saddened we are to know of your loss. Your mother must have been an extrordinary woman — and I have no doubt she will be missed terribly. xox Neva (aka “snuppy”)



THE FACTS OF LIFE by Snuppy
Friday, 26 October 2007, 8:09am
Filed under: Sex, Ed?

We are all products of how we were raised and well how we were informed about life and how life comes to be formed.  Last week as my daughter was getting ready for school some “facts-of-lifey” type of statement was raised.  My husband answered, “You’ll learn that in Biology in 7th Grade.”  I scowled at him and said to Tali, “You know Daddy’s a bit old school.  He learned about the facts of life in the stone ages when it was taught like this:

CaveMan:  Ummmm pretty cave woman.  Me like.

Drag by hair.  Boom Boom.  We make baby.  Me hunt.”

The facts of life.  The End.  

I assured her that I would do my best to give her a better talk than that when she wasn’t ready to hop on the school bus.  Time passes.  Fast forward to a day later as Tali sat doing her homework.

Tali:  “What’s an X rated movie?”

Me:   “Where did you hear about an x rated movie?”

After a small amount of prodding (that included nothing sharp):  “Well, on the bus, Daniella said that when she walked in the hallway past her mother’s bedroom she was watching an x rated movie.”

Me:  “Tali, maybe it wasn’t x-rated, maybe people were kissing, blah, blah, blah…”

 So I start to explain the facts in a slightly more evolved manner than the caveman example.  “When two people love….” Tali’s eyes are bursting over trying not to laugh.  So I do the mature thing any mother would do trying to make her daughter feel comfortable about her body and sexuality and setting the tone for comfort with herself for years to come – I burst out laughing.  Then she did too. 

I asked her when she was discussing this moment with someone, say someone taking notes, in the years to come to please let her memory be kind.  Of course Mommy wasn’t laughing at her, just well maybe a little at her –  but mostly with her as she laughed at Mommy. 

I wish I had had the benefit of this film to review prior to our talk.  It certainly makes it all so understandable:

So see, my kids could certainly have done a lot worse when it comes to straightforward talk about the facts of life. 

That’s it,  short and sweet.  The truth is I send my kids over to Humor-blogs.com for the facts of life. 

Posted by:  Lampsha (a/k/a G of Simply Said)



Sex Ed? by brawlingbelle
Friday, 19 October 2007, 8:23am
Filed under: funny..., Sex, Ed?

I am pretty sure I am not the right person to do this around here, partly because I might be one of the youngest contributers and I bet you anything we Europeans have a different style to begin with. So I will leave you with this rather charming truth:

female.jpg

male_brain.gif

For no other reason than pure mathematics I would like to point out that the female brain picture had 33 KB and the male brain 11.

I rest my case!

~penguin out!

No need to worry about brains over at Humor-blogs.com – I think.



It’s Business Time by Snuppy
Friday, 12 October 2007, 8:56am
Filed under: funny..., Sex, Ed?

too damn tiredPERHAPS some of you have noticed, but we haven’t been the best of bloggers lately. Not because we don’t want to be the best of bloggers, but because we couldn’t be the best of bloggers. Heck, we’ve been so out of it for the past several days, we haven’t even qualified for the mediocre-est of bloggers. You see, thanks to our son — the one who thought it would be hilarious to get into a terrible car accident last week — we haven’t had a moment to ourselves. Heck, we’re two weeks overdue for our pedicure. And don’t get us started on the groceries… let’s just say it’s not been pleasant around here, but, thanks to close-toed shoes and/or pizza delivery, we’ve managed to get by. “Get by” everything, that is, but our computer, which sits all alone in our office, collecting dust. We feel so guilty, we could cry. When this is over, we’ve a good mind to treat Mac to a soft rub down with a chamois cloth. But not until we’ve allowed Nancy, the nail girl, to massage our hands and/or rub down our stubbled legs with peppermint oil. Oh, but what were we talking about before we distracted ourselves with thoughts of weary feet soaking in a whirlpool? Probably our mood, which, needless to say, has not been the best and/or mediocre-est.

WHATEVER we were talking about, we’re pretty sure it wasn’t nearly as funny as the stuff everyone else has been sharing this week. Oh to have the energy to concoct a companion piece for yesterday’s howling good interview with KALPU’UR and GRUNDIR conducted by our NBFF, the brilliant DJ LAMPSHA, for example. Sadly, we don’t have enough energy to slip into a clean pair of underwear, let alone craft anything witty for your amusement. Thanks to the World Wide Web and/or the YouTube, we don’t need energy and/or creativity (or clean undergarments, for that matter) to provide you with appropriate entertainment, just the ability to do a bit o’ linkage — something we can do with our eyes closed.

SPEAKING of keeping our eyes closed… are we finished writing this post yet? We plan to surprise ourselves with something that’s, um, surprisingly funny, and boy, do we hope we don’t let ourselves down. You we’ll take care of next week, when we really will get down to the “business” of blogging.

UH, and speaking of “business”, guess what else we’ve been too tired to do?

WE know we’ve shared other videos by The Conchords, but guess what? We don’t care, ‘cuz we think they’re hilarious. No doubt we’ll be pissed off at ourselves for a minute or two sometime next week, but then we’ll distract ourselves with a lovely facial, and all our bloggy faux passery will be but a dim memory and/or a blur. (truth be told, we’ve already forgotten what the hell we were talking about)

~snuppy

Get down to the business of laughing on Humor-blogs.com.



Dirty? by Snuppy
Friday, 5 October 2007, 11:06am
Filed under: funny..., Sex, Ed?

SMUT, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. Or not.

THAT’S right, we don’t know what we’re saying here — still caught up in that whole “oh, our son had an accident/surgery thing, don’t mind us, we’re crazy-mad upset” thing. But, when our older son (clever and/or charming man-child) says “hey, check this out, I think it might make you laugh”, and shoves his power book under our weepy eyes/very drippy noses, we look, and after looking, by golly, we laugh.

BY the way: while we’re laughing, we feel we must mention the fact that the following video contains initially “graphic’ drawings. In other words, this isn’t one of those things “the kids” need to see.

NOT much of a Sex, Ed? post, we know, but we’re guessing you’ll cut us a little slack for our inability to share anything more than a few “dirty-yet-not” pictures on this fine and/or promising Friday. Besides, if you’re really good and/or patient, our wonderful NBFF — the delightful DJ LAMPSHA — will be here all in good time, with something sure to lift everyone’s spirits, and/or our own crappy/worried moods.

~snuppy

Picture yourselves laughing so hard you wet your pants at humor-blogs.com.



Oh Mermma… by Snuppy
Friday, 28 September 2007, 8:40am
Filed under: funny..., Sex, Ed?

HAHAHAHA. Excuse us while we take a moment to laugh at our own punniness — even as we recognize we’re laughing alone.

smart girlsTHIS post is brought to you by the letters T, V, X and Y. Why? because we’ve been waiting for the excuse to write another “informative” Sex, Ed? post, and thanks to TEH PENGUIN’S clever and entertaining “sex related” offering on Wednesday, we can. Actually, we covered the topic we’re about to discuss on another blog, via another server, in another blogosphere long long ago, following a particularly disturbing episode of HOUSE that screamed “discuss amongst your one or two readers before you scare them all away with more mentions of ticks in a vagina”. Last year’s “bizarre” mystery-related plot twist? A lovely nubile teenage supermodel passes out on the runway, in the middle of a fashion show, no less, and is rushed to the hospital where the curmudgeonly medical genius Dr. House, along with his band of jolly House-wannabes, discovers the young “lady” in question is 1) addicted to heroin, 2) sleeping with her daddy, and 3) a guy. At least, sort of.

NOW, we can’t say for sure, but we’re guessing the first few questions that came screaming to the foremost of your own fragile little brains were as follows: The super hot girl was a guy? Really? Wowzer. Do such sexually confusing things happen in real life? Are there other super models out there with a little “more” than meets the eye? Is it normal for me to keep asking myself stuff like this, or should I only get nervous if I start answering myself, too? Also, is my plant dying? ‘Cuz it looks terrible, and I thought I just watered it, yesterday.

BRACE your happy-yet-naive-selves for the answer(s), kids, because, according to the Very Competent Researchers Who Research Such Things (including, but not limited to our veryverysmart sister), they do. Well, maybe not accompanied by the whole drama featuring ailing supermodels with abusive father issues, but that gender assignment “confusion” thing? Oh yeah. In fact, it happens about 1.7 percent of the time. That’s 1.7 babies out of 100. Are you shocked? Do you, like us, wonder what .7 of a baby looks like? Also, is it possible to over water a Boston fern?

OF course, if any of you had bothered to read Skin Flutes and Velvet Gloves, a collection of facts & fancies, legends & oddities about the body’s private parts, you wouldn’t have been surprised in the least. But then, most of you did not read this book, nor did you take any of our sister’s human sexuality courses in college, back when you had the chance. (fortunately, since her classes were among the most popular courses ever, lots of folks actually did) But, back to those of you who didn’t read the book and/or learn about “the facts of life” from a beautiful college professor… what the hell is wrong with you? Don’t you want to be as smart as all the other boys, girls, and/or intersexuals on the playground?

AS most of you do and/or should know (with or without our sister’s help) stick figurea child’s gender is traditionally identified by the person handling the delivery duties at a baby’s birth. Let’s face it, “It’s a boy!” or “It’s a girl!” are the two most anticipated declarations a new parent waits to hear. But, if the baby-delivery-assisting person bothered to look (much) closer, perhaps the announcement might sound more like this:

“Hmm…this child has both testes and ovaries. It’s a herm!”

“Wow… this infant has testes, some female genitalia, but no ovaries. It’s a merm!”

“Ooh… this baby has ovaries, some male genitalia, but no testes. It’s a ferm!”

“Eww… this sprout has long green leaves and cultivars. It’s a fern!”

BOYS, merms, herms, ferms, and girls — those are the real gender distinctions. Ferns are just stupid and annoying plants that die the minute we stick them in the corner of the dining room. But that’s beside the point. The point, which will be easier to replace than than the disgustingly dried up decorative vegetation currently shedding leaves all over the carpet, is that when it comes to “gender identification”, it’s not just about the X‘s and/or the Y‘s, because there are XX boys and XY girls. Of course, in the “real” world, those differentiating details only matter in the Olympics — where a sneaky Y can make the difference between “ladies” and… “cheating sons of bitches”. That said, Dr. House’s assertion (in the aforementioned episode from Season 2) that the he/she model had long lean limbs, soft curves, and perky breasts, along with a peaches ‘n cream complexion because he/she was a he/she, was all too true.

THAT’S right, we said true. Which means, boys and/or girls, many of the supermodels you admire — and wish to emulate and/or date — are probably not unlike Dr. House’s nubile patient, in that they are of an ambiguous gender — or, if you prefer, intersexual. We know what you’re thinking (mind readers that we’ve become) was Olive Oyl intersexual? Well, gee kids, how the hell should we know? We only put that picture in ‘cuz, if you’re anything like us, your eyes started crossing after the 2nd paragraph of this post, and you’re now in need of a little comic relief. Sue us.

FOR those of you whose eyes have yet to cross, brace yourselves (again) for one or two more genital-related factoids, before we call it a day:

  1. every male has a remnant of a vagina which appears as a tiny tag of skin on the lining of the bladder. It’s called “vagina masculina” — which, we’re sure you’ll agree, makes it sound WAY less girly.
  2. out of every 4000 female babies born each year, approximately 1 is born without a vagina, masculina or otherwise.
  3. 1 in 100,000 males babies is born with a “diphallus” or double penis — which is, needless to say, not just hella masculina, but downright scary.
  4. ferns are stupid plants that shrivel up and die, even if you put them in really good light, and water them frequently.

babyWHEW. We’re tired, and we’re guessing you are, too. We’re also hoping today’s Very Important Information, presented without benefit of YouTube videos, will hold ya until we get around to lifting content out of our sister’s book elevating your understanding about men and/or women, again. When will that be? Gosh, it’s just so darn hard to say, but, thanks to a fresh new season of hot shows, we doubt it’ll be long before something strikes our collective fancy. If we’re lucky, The Office will trigger an inspiration by doing an episode that features merkins. Or Mad Men will toss around a few impressive genital-related terms like automonosexual, or pedomentia. Or, the crack law team on Boston Legal will wind up defending a woman who killed her husband, a man with an unusually small penis, so tiny, in fact, she (correctly) refers to him as “the bugfucker” — a term, by the way, we once ascribed to a certain Chicago television critic. But, as is so often the case when we get excited by thoughts of new episodes of our favorite shows and/or we rile ourselves with thoughts of someone who was sometimes unkind to people we love, we digress. Bottom line(ish) for today: parts is parts, even when they aren’t “technically” visible to the naked eye.

You can’t have a period, Stan, because you are a man… with titties.” ~ God [South Park episode in which Stan tries to “get his period” and accidentally grows breasts]

~snuppy

PS: Too much information? No worries, tomorrow you can sit back and enjoy another winning Saturday Spin, when our dear NBFF, the delightful DJ LAMPSHA, shows up to work more of her musical magic.

Mermma’s don’t let yer babies grow up to be cowbells… and/or frequent readers of Humor-blogs.com.



Howling Jungle Monkey Sex by Snuppy
Friday, 21 September 2007, 8:58am
Filed under: funny..., Sex, Ed?

Tarzan and Jane (not howler monkeys)OH, sure, looky there. We do a perfectly good post featuring a group of naked Japanese guys dancing like there’s no tomorrow, and you’re all like, “eww, those boys have fig leaves covering their thingies” — and then head for the hills like Bambi’s mom, pre-Unfortunate Hunting Accident. We get it. Bitch and/or complain about the freaking idiots who make every day a living hell, and you’ll come faster ‘n a cheap date after his second Colt 45. Bemoan the fact that our “studies” make our heads hurt, and you’re all scrambling like hookers on two-4-one night to see who can be first to shove an aspirin down our throats. And don’t get us started on making unfounded contentions about the “virtues” of Family Guy humor, for that one will cause us to barf up faster ‘n, um, the aforementioned 2-bit whore after an especially hot 4-bit date. But, by golly, feature a questionable rerun, and everyone’s singing “Good Night, Irene” in 4 part harmony, like a quartet of barbers puffin’ away on stogies, after participating in a daisy-chain with Sally, the one-legged whore. (ouch) What does any of this mean? Hell if we know — we’re just whining — in a bald-faced attempt to get someone’s attention (does that sound like something a horny guy left standing on the corner on “twofer” night without so much as a dime might say? yeah, we think so, too). But, as so often happens when we go off on a sexual metaphor rampage, we digress.

WHATEVER it is we meant to say, we will tell you there’ll be no “howling jungle monkey sex” today. Although, now that we think about it, that might be pretty damn funny. What happens when those things mate, anyway?

Mrs. Jungle Monkey: “Honey, omigod, what’s that noise?
Mr. Jungle Monkey: “Um, it’s just me letting you know I’m having a good time.”
Mrs. JM: “A good time? Lordamercy, usually you don’t make sounds like that unless we’re being chased by a tribe of Hotentots, you found a flea on junior, or you’ve lost another game of Pictionary to Aunt Bea.
Mr. JM: “You sayin’ you don’t like my love sounds? Fine. Next time I want sex, I’ll just stay on my side of the tree and play with my balls.
Mrs. JM: “And that would be different… how?”

(in our own heads, this is funny, mostly because we suspect jungle monkeys make a lot of weird noises when they have sex — also, they like to play with their balls)

IN all honesty, we just wondered if we could make you “look”, and, well, apparently we could. Fancy that. Now that we have your collective attention, let’s have a little fun with Sex, Ed?, shall we? Or, if you can’t “have fun”, then just “fake it” — not unlike a newlywed 20-something after discovering it was a mouse in her hubby’s pocket, after all. And a small one, at that. Did someone just say “annulment”? heh heh. (sorry, but in lieu of actual readers, we are left trying to crack ourselves up — and succeeding beyond our wildest expectations).

NOW, before we get too close to this ledge we seem to be inching towards, let’s get down to business (that’s what he said). We contemplated doing a really raunchy post for today, but since sunset marks the beginning of Yom Kippur, we figured that might not be a good idea. Not that we’re Jewish, mind you, but why take chances? Enter our passion for bizarre old movietonesque clips coupled with our continued embarrassment over recommending a stupid SciFi novel to Gruntmor the Insatiable Book Pimp, and voile-lá: The Fashions of Eve, A.D. 2000* (speaking of fig leaves), as predicted by designers back in 1930-something. Short, sweet, and to the point — just like some of you boys on “cheap date” night.

…and candy for cutie.” In no way does that sound gay and/or perverted. And just think, guys, in the future, you can all claim to be hung… up on a phone call, that is. HAHAHA. (there we go, cracking ourselves up… again)

~snuppy

Shooting milk out of your nose is considered fashionable, at Humor-blogs.com.

*We’d like to give a quick shout-out to one of our many acquaintances from our favorite Starbucks, who shocked the living hell out of us yesterday — and, in the process, inspired the last part of this post — when she asked if she could borrow a pair of shoes for a wedding she planned to attend. She went on to say she wouldn’t mind if we had a couple of dresses for her to try on, too. Maybe a cute beaded bag. Mind you, we only recognize this woman when she’s actually standing behind the counter, but apparently that, and the good tips we leave, gave her cause to believe she now had unconditional access to our closet. Yo, Marie, here’s another 2 bucks — do us a favor, “girlfriend”, go out and buy yourself a clue.