Central Snark

Did Somebody Say… Sports? by Snuppy
Thursday, 6 September 2007, 8:40am
Filed under: music music, Sporting Goods

nettie honeyball*YOU crazy kids and your inexplicable-yet-uncontrollable affection for multi-player games involving, among other things, groping, hitting, bouncing balls and/or swinging bats. No, we’re not talking about sex (that’s tomorrow), we’re talking about: Sports. Mostly because today marks the “official” beginning of football season, but ALSO because a certain member of Team Snark, who recently side-lined his career in order to “build” a house and/or write/pimp promote a so-called “book” isn’t here — yet again — to talk about something hilarious and/or clever for us. Don’t think we haven’t done our best to lure him back onto the field, because we have. Sadly, despite our best efforts and/or latest bribes, DIESEL refuses to “play ball”. Being the poor sports we are on any given day, this disappoints and/or annoys us to no end. But, as so often happens when we’re feeling whiny about having to do our own dirty work, we digress.

NOW, we may not be the World’s Biggest Sports Fans — mostly because we managed to drop a few pounds over the summer, but also because we have an extremely limited ability to remain focused on something we personally find… boring. But that’s beside the point. The point, which is, come to think of it, a damn funny term to use when talking about “sports”, is that, while not always glued to the TV when some sporting event comes on, we actually do understand the passion. Oh, maybe we weren’t soccer moms, but we “get” it. We’ve seen other soccer (little league/flag football) moms and/or dads in action, and we’ve mocked ’em loudly, in the privacy of our own car, as we sped past the field on our way to get coffee.

THAT said, how some of YOU made it without the NFL and/or all those highlights through these past few months is anyone’s guess. Hopefully, the following (short) Mother of All Sports-Themed Musical Interludes** will help put die hard fans (CRUMMYJOEL?) in the right frame of “mind” for the footballistic fanfare that begins tonight (on NBC). The video was thoughtfully supplied by our son, the one who DIDN’T want to wrestle in high school — despite the fact that, while on a team when he was in the 8th grade, he pinned his first opponent in just under 19 seconds. His coach was amazed, his parents… terrified, but he (the poor/strong boy) was merely embarrassed by all the attention, and dropped off the team a few weeks later. Apparently, some 14 year old boys find the idea of developing skill, strength, and “strategy smarts” unimportant, especially when weighed against participating in a “sport” that involves grabbing another guy’s crotch, while wearing spandex.

NOW, if that wasn’t inspiring and/or Sportstacular, we don’t know what is.


The fan club for Humor-blogs.com meets on Tuesdays. Bring your own pom-poms.

*For fun, click on the picture at the top of the page, and read up on the “mother” of women’s soccer, Nettie Honeyball. Then pardon us while we lapse into fits of uncontrollable laughter. Nettie Honeyball? Come on, that’s not just funny, that’s hilarious. (maybe some of you won’t agree, but we bet TEH PENGUIN will)

**Brought to you by the creators of Tim and Eric AWESOME SHOW (good job!). If the video doesn’t play, you can watch the same clip HERE — along with a few other funny sports-related clips from shows featured on [adult swim].

Crummy Sports Teams by crummyjoel
Tuesday, 4 September 2007, 8:15am
Filed under: crummy letters, Sporting Goods

I’ll admit it. I’m a huge sports fan. I am man enough to admit that I enjoy watching other men dressed in brightly colored spandex run headlong into each other at full speed, all the while trying to maneuver a ball into some arbitrary position on the field or court. Is it a metaphor for something else, buried deep in my subconscious? Probably, but I certainly enjoy me some organized, team sports. Name any sport, and I have a favorite team!

College football, you say? Why certainly! My favorite team: The Mighty Michigan Wolverines! 9 time national champions! 18 wins in bowl games! Winningest college football program ever, by total wins or by winning percentage!

And, of course, on Saturday they became the first ranked I-A team to lose to a I-AA team. Ever. In the history of the whole frickin’ universe. Appalachian State beat the Michigan Wolverines 34-32 at Michigan’s home field. For those of you unfamiliar with college football, this would be an upset the equivalent of a foreign homeless man winning the next presidential election. Or of some backwater Middle Eastern country defeating the US in a war (OK, bad example…)

We sports fans do have our codes. There must be “just cause” to drop a team and start rooting for a new one. Does an unprecedented loss count as “just cause”? I don’t know yet, but in my research I found the following Articles and Appendices tucked away in the Sports Fan’s Guidebook Of My Imagination. Here are some of the rare occurrences when you can drop a favorite team for a different one, as well as video, audio, or photographic corroboration for each one:

  1. If your entire team backs down to one solitary opponent, you may drop your team for another (Article I, Section XXII of the “Your Team is a Pansy Garden” Sub-Section).
  1. If this guy or this guy or this guy is your team’s star player, you may drop your team for another (Addendum A, Appendix Z of the “If Your Team Employs A Complete Effing DoucheBag” Section)
  1. If your sports team ever has a guy who gets knocked out by one punch, you may switch sports teams (Article 7-A, Chapter 43 of the “Glass Jaw” Sidebar)
  1. If your team ever gives up the most runs/points against since 1896, you may switch sports teams (Section 12, Sub-Section 22, Paragraph 7 of the “Scoring On You Like A Cheap Hooker” Chapter)
  1. If your sports team dresses like this or like this, you may choose a new favorite team (Section1, Chapter 1, Paragraph 1, of the “They Paid Somebody To Come Up With That Ugly *&$%?!?!” Addendum)
  1. If this is your favorite sports team, please choose another for any reason whatsoever (Page 1, filed under “Get Off The Damn Bandwagon Already”)

So, while I haven’t found the necessary documentation for my particular case, you can see that there many instances where you can switch allegiances. Wish me luck looking for the section entitled “National Embarrassment”


PS: Humor-blogs.com says I’ll be back next week with my first attempt at poetry since I was courting my wife. Knowing how much trouble poetry got me in last time, I’m still gonna try it again. Just kidding, dear.