Filed under: crummy letters, holidays, the best in fake news reports
(This article compiled from various wire reports)
HEAVEN (AP): Jesus Christ, longtime namesake of the holiday “Christmas”, has issued a statement through heaven’s lone lawyer, asking that His Name be completely removed from the aforementioned holiday.
Said Christ, “Many of My followers get uptight when people use X-mas to remove my name from the holiday. But quite frankly, I prefer it that way. Seriously…have you even seen what happens leading up to this day?!?”
Christ, known during his time on earth as an advocate for the poor and downtrodden, continued: “Riots in shopping malls? Fistfights over video game systems? Spending exorbitant amounts of money on people who already have everything they could possibly ask for? Does that sound like something I’d like to be involved in? Pick one of those other pretend deities and name this holiday after them. I’m through with it. Besides, I was very likely born in the springtime.”
In His statement, Christ produced graphs and documentation that the Christmas holiday has suffered a sharp downward moral spiral over the past few decades. While gifts to the poor have increased over this time, they have not increased at the same rate as greed, gluttony, self-centeredness, and violent temper tantrums as a result of not getting a Wii that I asked for TWO WHOLE YEARS IN A ROW.
“Look, I’m all for the large amounts of time spent with the family during the holidays,” Christ continued. “That part I can get behind. However, I already created a time when families are supposed to get together and think about Me. It’s called ‘Sunday‘. Perhaps this X-mas time would be less stressful for everyone if you took advantage of the 52 other times during the year when you’re supposed to be together.”
Christ refused to lay all of the blame at the feet of secular commercialism: “My children are the cause of a lot of My consternation…as usual. I mean, have you seen how eager they are to nail me to a cross? These days, you can’t get through an X-mas message without hanging Me out to dry by the end of it. They’re trying to kill me quicker than Herod did when I was born for real the first time! For My sakes, can you not let the Son of Man live His 33 years before killing Him?!? Do they not realize that without those 33 perfect years, that cross didn’t mean diddly-squat?” Such strong language only emphasizes Christ’s seriousness regarding this issue.
When asked for a reaction to Christ’s statement, most of the world’s Christians had their mouths too full of mashed potatoes and/or stuffing to understand what they were saying. At the time of this printing, no other deities had offered to attach their name to the holiday in Christ’s stead.
Christ completed his statement by admitting that the entire idea of Christmas was not entirely unsalvageable. “Look, I’m a forgiving guy. It’s kinda my shtick. Can we just get back to the basics of this holiday? Let’s focus on giving, let’s focus on the most downtrodden, let’s focus on children and widows and the needy. Even crazier, let’s focus on the sinful. In short, let’s focus on the people whom I focused on while I was here on earth. Please?!?”