Central Snark


Promote Your Blog! by mattresspolice
Tuesday, 3 April 2007, 9:11am
Filed under: FYI (ish), Pop! goes the Diesel

DieselNow that you’ve been educated in how to write a funny blog, I thought I’d give you a few tips for promoting your newfound hilarity. Blog promotion is a subtle art, requiring special skill, a few nifty tricks and no real effort.

That’s right. With these simple hints you can have a wildly successful blog like mine without doing so much as a lick of actual work. Prior to reading this post you may not even have known that work was measured in licks, so you already owe me for that. Just think of the kind of insight I might impart in paragraph six.

Rule #1: Don’t allow comments on your blog. Real writers don’t need endless validation from their readers. If you’ve followed my advice, you already know that you’re damned funny. That should be good enough for you.

Rule #2: If you do allow comments for some reason, for the love of Moses don’t respond to them. That erodes the holy wall of separation between blogger and reader. Do you think Hemingway responded to every letter he got from some star-crazed fan? No, he shot his readers in the head and buried them at sea. Ask not who is reading your blog, and tell not anyone you appreciate it.

Rule #3: Don’t comment on other people’s blogs. Their blogs suck. Yours rocks. Do the math.

Rule #4: If you do feel some need to comment on other people’s blogs, make sure it’s only to promote your blog. Leave a comment like, “Great blog. It made me laugh/cry/think.” (Don’t actually use the slashes; pick one depending on the blogger’s avatar.) Then shift right into: “Check out my blog at OriginalName.blogspot.com!”

Rule #5: Pick a clever and original name for your blog, like OriginalName.blogspot.com. Get it? It’s ironic. A name like that will stick in your readers’ brains until they want to dig up Papa Hemingway and beg him to shoot them in the head. By the way, I don’t know anything about OriginalName.blogspot.com except for the fact that I’ve just doubled his/her typical daily traffic. (You’re welcome.)

Rule #6: Spam everyone you know. Make extra sure that you spam any influential people you’ve met. For example, let’s say you’ve gotten ahold of the email address of someone who runs a blog directory such as humor-blogs.com. Email this person EVERY SINGLE TIME you post something. Because the odds are that your site is way better than the 70 other blogs on humor-blogs.com and every other blog that this person is already trying to keep up with. You are in no way annoying the sh*t out of this person, who has already added you to his junk senders list.

To sum up, the key to being a popular blogger is to understand the appropriate relationship between genius (you) and your thousands — nay, millions — of potential adoring fans. True genius doesn’t stoop to the level of the common man. Walk with your head held high and your eyes closed. If anyone gets in your way, open your eyes for just long enough to shoot them in the head.

~Diesel

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32 Comments so far
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and… as the light slowly fades down, to strains of Walk Write Like a Man” by the Four Seasons. *sniff*

what a beautiful post, Diesel. i plan to put each and every aspect of your plan into action, today — we/i/all of us here at the Snark (including you, now that i think about it) thank you from the bottom of our collective hearts, for your enlightening/uplifting/powerful-traffic-as-opposed-to-penis-enhancing tips. you rule! if the amazing post i was writing for tomorrow was going in to some other blog besides this one, i would SO link you, in hopes you’d stop by and/or NOT leave a comment. xox

Comment by One Hot Puppy

Well, if that’s how to have a successful blog, then I’ll stick to having an unsuccessful one.

Comment by FIAR

You’re a blog rockstar, Mister.
Gold.

Meanwhile, you might want to check out my blog at
http://saintvodkaofthemartini.blogspot.com/

Comment by Jay

You forgot to mention “Sign up for MyBlogList and visit every other blog that’s signed up there, just to get your mug to appear on as many pages as possible.”

Comment by CrummyJoel

Thanks, Diesel, for the validation. I always thought I was one in a million.

Comment by Al

Commenting on other blogs is too stressful. Like ‘Making Love’, I just don’t need the pressure.

Comment by Sleestak

You had me at, “Blog promotion is a subtle art..”

Hee.

Comment by Robin

That’s funny because what you really meant was the opposite of what you said.

Comment by Glacial Spain

And you forgot “run caption contests that highlight your photoshopping skills.” There’s this one blog I read that does that. It’s not a great blog or anything, but, you know, it gives all us random readers something to do–it’s kind of a boredom alleviater. (okay, is it alleviator?)

Comment by Jocelyn

The word’s “alleviatrix,” Jocelyn.

Amelia Earhart was an alleviatrix, I think.

Comment by Al

Puppy – Let’s get one thing straight: I don’t need you, and you don’t need me. Wait, that’s two things. As Hemingway said, no man is an island, but every man wishes he had a bigger peninsula. No, that wasn’t Hemingway. Crap. I guess I’m Donne.

FIAR – That’s the attitude! Genius is never appreciated in its own lifetime. Fortunately, geniuses only live to be about 24 on average.

Jay – I prefer “Blogstar.” It’s like OnStar, but it shows up on the side of the road with Youtube clips.

CrummyJoel – Excellent suggestion! You are dismissed.

Al – You and everybody else.

Sleestak – You can always comment on your own blog. As Woody Allen said, “Don’t knock my hobbies.”
Robin – Wow, I wished I had known I could have stopped there. I’d have gotten 10 more minutes of sleep last night.

GlacialSpain – You’re lucky I’m a champion swallower, or you’d be paying for a new laptop.

Jocelyn – Does that mean I’m an alleviator operator? Do I get to wear a funny hat and say “Floor, please”?

Comment by Diesel

You ARE a Blogstar!-quirky, funny- that’s why we luv you!

Comment by Claire

FIAR – That’s the attitude! Genius is never appreciated in its own lifetime. Fortunately, geniuses only live to be about 24 on average.

Uh oh. It appears that I’m 10 years too old already.

Comment by FIAR

Great blog. It made me cry AND think. Check out my blog at http://furiousball.com/inmydiatribe

Wow, I feel my blog getting better already.

Comment by furiousball

And then there’s the real, true measure of blogstardom. Didn’t you say something about $3.14 awhile ago …?

😉

Comment by oceallaigh

There are a couple of things you’ve forgotten. Such as, never hand out boogers to fellow bloggers. That only sends people running to their blogs. Boogers, evidentally, are very popular among some folks.

Also, never hold contests for your readers. NEVER. Especially not today. That might cause a stampeded and your blog will sink from the weight. I would never hold a contest (or hand out a booger.) Except perhaps when my brain is on pause…then I would hand out a prize. But only then. And it would be held at my blog. http://carpentercreek.blogspot.com

Comment by tracey

And if the blog post might be at all scintillating, be sure to include key words such as “whores”, “shady Arab guys”, “mobsters”, “psychics” and whatnot… I have no pimps though, sorry to say!

What am I talking about? Well, you gotta go here to check it out now dontcha?

Hint… make the link BOLD and might mentioning that there is a video portraying some of the above mentioned key words help? Hmmm?

WOOH! How’s that Mistah D? Bohemian minds would like to know!

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

Ooooh, is THAT why you were spamming my blog about your caption contest
:p
Investigative research for this write up, ok.
Got it.
Well done.

Comment by logo™

FIAR – “That’s the attitude! Genius is never appreciated in its own lifetime. Fortunately, geniuses only live to be about 24 on average.”

I guess that answers why I’m a complete idiot. I didn’t even know I was a liberal progressive democrat.

Comment by Skul

THAT explains it – I’ve been doing everything wrong!

Comment by CSL

What I meant to say was: Great blog. It made me laugh. Check out my blog at csl-tangentialthinking.blogspot.com!

Comment by CSL

Diesel,
Normally I wouldn’t comment on any blog except Pessimistic Optimism, but you are the ultimate “Blogomaniac” and are definitely worth the forty-five minutes it took me to write these comments.

Did I mention my blog:Pessimistic Optimism at http://linusmann.wordpress.com/. Check it out and add me to your blogroll.

Comment by linusmann

Hey, wait a minute. I see what you people are doing. Cut it out.

Comment by Diesel

What are we doing?
http://zoningoutagain.blogspot.com

Comment by Random Ponderings

I mean really, we have no idea what it is you think we are doing!
http://zoningoutagain.blogspot.com

Comment by Random Ponderings

Thank you for your fantastic list of recommendations to promote my blog. I have printed it out. I will post it next to my computer. Then I’ll just wait for the blog popularity to hit me in the face.

Thanks Diesel. Thank you.

Comment by Dorky Dad

What a quirky/interesting/insightful post. Check out my SPAM post at SPAMMYSPAM.blogpot.spam

I made $300 million last night and you can, too.

(not that I’m saying that’s what *I* did)

Comment by Candace

🙂

I did it all wrong…bugger!

shoot me, shoot me now!

Comment by Penguin

Hey! You’re breaking your own rules by commenting on your own posts, Diesel!!

Don’t forget to visit me at http://www.CuriosityKiller.com. I’m wai~ting!

Comment by CuriosityKiller

oh you are sooo wise

Comment by anonymouse

Dahling…you don’t do what you write! But that’s alright! For this post, you deserve a good spanking! Trying to throw every one of these good decent bloggers off their game with these flawed blog tips! Thwack!

Comment by Kuanyin

Great blog, mine is too at http://pastexpiry.blogspot.com/

Comment by Johnny Ancich




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