Central Snark


The Good Wife by Snuppy
Friday, 25 January 2008, 10:23am
Filed under: funny..., lists, Sex, Ed?

the good wifeTHANK goodness we have friends who love us so much they feel compelled to share Helpful Marriage Tips with us at the drop of a soufflé and/or the click of a high heel. After reading through the following bits o’ advice, however, we couldn’t help but wonder: how in the wide wide world of Martha Stewart did we mange to muddle our way through 23 years of marriage without knowing this shit information? Information, we hasten to add, laid out in rich and beautiful detail — which seems as completely relevant now as it was when it first graced the gloriously domestic pages of Good Housekeeping, back in 1955. We used to wonder why our mom drank so much. Now, not only do we understand, we can’t figure out why on Earth she didn’t run away from home when she had the chance.

How To Be A “Good” Wife

mmm -- and tasty, too! 1. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home (because they’ve been drinking all day) and the prospect of a good meal — especially his favorite dish (pizza? canned soup? cereal?) — is part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking (brush your teeth. pluck that chin hair). Remember, your husband has just been with a lot of work-weary people! (including Lola, his assistant, who’s measurements are 46-23-35)

be a little gay?3. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. (in other words, bend over and take it up the ass?)

4. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. (at the very least, make sure Ramón, the cabana boy, is no longer hiding in the closet)

5. Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables. (or take away your husband’s white gloves and/or hand him the friggin’ mop, because, damn.)

6. Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for (and/or under) him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction (especially if you’re stoned and/or basking in the glow of that sweaty romp you had earlier in the day with Ramón).

the bad seed7. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. (if necessary, use drugs and/or a muzzle)

8. Be happy to see him (pretend he’s someone else, like say, Ramón)

hi honey9. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him

10. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first — remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours. (Calls from the bill collector, Junior’s broken arm and/or a pay raise for the hard working cabana boy are nothing compared to your husband’s hilarious story of how the boss called Marty in Accounting, “Sid”)

11. Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax. (Lipstick on his collar? No worries, a little Tide will take out that stain in no time. For future reference, cold water works best on blood)

order and tranquility12. Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. (Or, upon finding that stain on his collar and the hotel room key in his pocket, kill him. That way his “spirit” will be “free”)

13. Don’t greet him with complaints and problems (rolling pins are significantly more effective)

14. Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day (by “through” do they mean Lola?)

15. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. (or lay him out on the kitchen floor with the aforementioned rolling pin)

16. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him (laced with arsenic)

17. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes (and by “pillow” they mean “penis” and by “take off his shoes” they mean, “knock his socks off”)

18. Speak in a low, soothing, and pleasant voice (that way, the word “divorce” won’t sound so scary)

19. Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him (you do, however, have the right to 50% of his property and sole custody of the kids)

LAST, but certainly not least…

    a 20. A “good” wife always knows her place.

    *** *** *** *** ***

    BELIEVE it or not… we DO have a few things to add to this “How To” List, and we plan to do just that as soon as we manage to gather up what’s left of our exploded brain (last seen scattered over the freshly mopped kitchen floor), in order to stuff it back into our fragile-yet-numb little skulls. Needless to say, that might take a while.

      ~snuppy

      A good wife sets her computer’s default page on HUMOR-BLOGS.COM.

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      19 Comments so far
      Leave a comment

      naturally, the running “commentary” does NOT reflect the way i feel about my own marriage. mostly because it’s based on love, respect, GREAT sex, a housekeeper, and, of course, Mexican Take-out (among other things).

      that said, that article IS real, and did appear in the magazine in 1955. heh… and you kids wonder why women started burning their bras back in the 60’s and/or a woman has never held the office of President in the US, as yet. oy. 🙄

      PS: many many thanks to my “oldest and dearest friend” (JZ you know who you are) for sending me the original article, which, in my humble opinion, provided some darn amusing fodder for today’s Sex, Ed? post. 😉

      Comment by snuppy

      Dear Snuppy,

      Thank you for pointing out the obvious with your wise and sage advice. To revisit the Golden Age of America, when men were men and women knew their place… ahhhhh, brings tears to my eyes.

      On second thought, maybe the tears are from that rolling pin to the gonads. 😛

      Comment by Brian

      Brian: good to know Diane is taking such good “care” of things in your household. 😉

      Comment by snuppy

      Thanks to your advice, I now feel better about getting married someday. If only that 50% of divorces had known about this.

      Comment by politicallyblonde

      How was one to accomplish numbers 1, 3-19, and number 2? Oh wait, the list is all #2.

      Comment by quilly

      What’s the problem? Sounds like a great list.

      Comment by Chris C

      I really enjoyed your commentary. That was a funny post.

      Yes, we are all equally grateful for the volunteer advisors who ewho enrich our lives with suggestions freely offered.

      Comment by Walela

      …about this Ramon

      Comment by BoBo

      “Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him.”

      Yep, that would definitely be more interesting – but only if she was a little gay.

      (Oops Snuppy, looks like BoBo is on to you.)

      Comment by Harmonica Man

      Politically Blonde: imagine the divorce rate before these guidelines were released. boggles the mind, i tell ya.

      Quilly: it’s a miracle some of us are here. i’m telling you, were such tips relevant today, i would SO not be married, let alone have kids.

      Chris: you’re not married, are you?

      Walela: thanks! sometimes i write this stuff and wonder if anyone but me will laugh. i’m rather proud of my “illustrations”, too. not sure why, but that’s beside the point. the point, which will be “freshening” up soon, in order to be at its best for BoBo, is that i’m glad you liked it. (thinking i owe you, like, SEVERAL comments for the days i haven’t been by to see YOU, my friend. d’oh!)

      BoBo: relax, last time i looked, our house is sans-a-cabana. 😉

      Harmonica Man: you’re thinking Minnesota 3-some, aren’t you? w’oh!

      Comment by snuppy

      “Be a a little more interesting for him.”

      How could anyone who spends all day cleaning, thinking about menus and obsessing about appearances NOT be interesting?

      Comment by Diesel

      Diesel: guessing that’s where the “gay” part comes in. 🙄

      Comment by snuppy

      I can’t believe my parents are presuring me to find one of those beings!

      all of a sudden, being a little more gay seems rather inviting.

      Comment by Penguin

      When I got married my conservative sister-in-law got Dr. Weirsdo and me LETTERS TO PHILIP and LETTERS TO KAREN, respectively. Karen is similarly supposed to greet her husband at the end of the day, and Philip is supposed to praise her the same way he praises the family dog.
      These books are STILL given out.

      Comment by weirsdo

      Oh this is rich, a classic Snuppy post I might add. I really laughed out loud, truly reading with Tali sitting nearby asking “what?”

      “Never mind – go to bed.”

      I like your menu faves, good staples. Yeah, Bobo’s on to you. I mean asking him to sign a check over to Ramon the poolboy seems odd considering that you don’t have a pool. Hmmm…

      Comment by LAMPSHA

      Yep, yep, the illustrations are hysterical, too. Sorry for not mentioning.

      Comment by Walela

      Does it work in reverse for the “house-husband”? I could really go for that No. 12, and/or in fact all of the above 🙂 Hilarious pictures – especialy that last unfortunate one…

      Comment by Terry

      Catching up here….that was hilarious. The running commentary is just brilliant. Thank god this stuff doesn’t apply anymore or I sure wouldn’t be married. So, if Hillary wins, will Good Housekeeping be publishing “How to be a Good Husband”? 😉

      Comment by Theresa

      While I definitely approve of the masoginist undertones and overhandedness, I find myself wondering “what would lucy do.” I think the red-headed ball of angst would put that ricky in his place on the headboard and have herself a long stiff drink.
      But alas, we all have our pipedreams eh?
      Cheers

      Comment by Thavage




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