Big Guy

Big Guy by Snuppy

Friday, 15 June 2007, 10:26am
Filed under: Sex, Ed?

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. ~Red Buttons

IN light of the fact that this Sunday is Father’s Day, we thought we might chat about barbecue and/or golf today. But then we realized those things are boring. At least in our minds they are. Besides, neither of those things scream “sexy” to us — unless, of course, our husband happens to be wearing nothing but a “kiss the chef” apron, while whacking the ball with his wood somewhere out on the back 9. Sadly, he’s not doing that right now, so we’ve got to get our “sexy” kicks some other way. Remember, we’re all about the “sexy” on Fridays. Or we will be until we can come up with something better to feature at the end of the week. But that’s beside the point. The point, which was hiding under our husband’s apron only moments ago, is that we could think of no more apropos subject for this week’s sex-related post than… penises.

NOT just penises, mind you, but big penises. Why? Because, size matters. Hahaha. We’re guessing more than a couple of guys just passed out, for surely that’s not what you’ve been told over the years, Shirley. Oh come on, get over yourselves, we’re kidding. We kid. Size doesn’t matter… unless, of course, you think it does.

THOSE of you who’ve been around for more than a minute, know we have a veryverysmart sister, Dr. Terri, who wrote a veryveryfunny-yet-informative book a few years ago, about private parts. As you might imagine, one of the largest (heh) and/or most popular chapters involves the subject of “size”. Those of you who’ve been around for more than a day know we’re nothing, if not lazy, which is why we planned to take a few excerpts straight out of this book, in order to avoiding writing more sentences of our own. But then we realized it would take us a long time to copy all that information, and did we mention we’re lazy? Well, we are, more than any of you can possibly imagine. Besides, we have places to go, manicurists to see, and a Starbucks run to make. So, despite the “theme” of today’s post, we’ve decided to skip the dull “how big is big” stuff and head (heh) straight for the juicy “dear and/or departed” celebrity-related anecdotal stuff (may all these men rest with their respective pieces). Then, just for fun, we figure we’ll let you watch a particularly hilarious clip from a 1957 Sex Ed. film entitiled: As Boys Grow (heh) in order to keep this post… short.

FUN FACTS ABOUT BIG DICKS:

1. Richard Nixon didn’t have one. Not that we know of, anyway. Hahaha. Again with the kidding. In our heads, leading off with a big dick named “Dick” seemed funny. On the other hand, and speaking of dead dicks and/or presidents…

2. Lyndon Baines Johnson did have a big dick. One he used to flaunt, for intimidation purposes, during informal cabinet meetings. LBJ named his not-so-little friend Jumbo. That’s right, Jumbo. Speaking of “jumbos”…

3. Charlie Chaplain used to swing more than that jumbo-sized cane he was so famous for using in his film “The Little Tramp”. The highly prolific lover used to refer to his own 12 inch member as “the 8th Wonder of the World”. Imagine that. Speaking of well-hung funny men…

4. Groucho Marx, a man known for smoking really big cigars, apparently had something even bigger stored in his pants. Marx was certainly known as the master of sexual innuendo, and references throughout his films to his own sizable “cigar” popped up (heh) often. The “elephant in my pajamas” line, was one meant to allude to his own big trunk, we suspect. More obvious, perhaps, was something Groucho quipped in a scene of “A Night at the Opera” — when, while shredding paper to a certain size, he says “Mine’s a 12 1/2”. ba-dump-bump. Speaking of big bumps…

5. A number of famous leading ladies reported Gary Cooper was so well endowed, they could feel him swell up with, um, pride during love scenes, even through heavy skirts. Actress Clara Bow (his first lover of note) once of Coop, and we quote, “He was hung like a horse and could go all night“. Yowie. Speaking of horses…

6. Milton Berle, aka “Mr. Television”, may not have been the most attractive celebrity, but as the man dubbed “King Cock of Hollywood”, it didn’t matter. Rumor has it Berle — who was certainly not shy about his “gift” — once offered it up as a “stand in” when the lead actor in a porn flick had a “performance issue”. Berle used to gleefully tell the story of how he was once confronted by a guy in a steam bath locker room who believed his own penis was bigger, and tried to goad Uncle Miltie into a bet. After a few minutes of pestering, Berle’s friend, who was in the room, too, said “Go ahead, Milton, just take out enough to win.” Whoa.

Speaking of hilarious locker room discussions and/or info about who’s big and who’s not…

SO much to be said about that clip… so little time. Oh, and speaking of “so little time”, be sure you find enough to A) come back here tomorrow, in order to enjoy the latest and greatest musical “find” by our greatest and always timely DJ LAMPSHA, and B) remember to call your Dad on Sunday (assuming you can and/or want to) and wish him a happy happy day. That said, resist the urge to buy him a “Kiss the Chef” apron. Your mom called, and she says his other one will be good as new, as soon as she gets out a few more of those grass stains.

~snuppy

It’s a good bet you’ll laugh long and hard at Humor-blogs.com.

24 Comments

24 Comments so far
Leave a comment

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI