Fruitcake

Fruitcake by Snuppy

Thursday, 20 December 2007, 9:43am
Filed under: funny..., guest who?, holidays

WHAT’S green and red and white and green and red and white and green and red and white? A Christmas Frog in a Blender! Get it? Frog? Santa hat? Blender? Okay, so maybe we’re the only ones who think we’re funny, but guess what? We don’t care, because we’re the only ones writing this intro. But, that, of course, is beside the point. The point, which just ran off with your sense of humor, is that The Holidays bring out the best and worst in us. So forget what we just said about Christmas Frogs — in blenders or otherwise — and join us in welcoming our Very Good and Funny Friend, THE FROGSTER, who has seen fit to bless us with a Holiday Themed Post. That said, we could care less if YOU actually enjoy what he’s written, because WE did, and as you know by now, that’s all that matters. That said, trust us, The Frogster is a wonderfully clever writer — and we Strongly Urge you all to take a peek at his blog, if you’ve yet to do so. We can’t say for sure, but we’re guessing there’s a fruitcake in it for you, if you DON’T. ~snuppy

A FRUITCAKE SAVED MY CHRISTMAS TONIGHT

The Frogster here. I hope everyone is enjoying the last few weeks of 2007. Beth and I had a bit of a tiff when she discovered a piece of tinsel on my shirt and accused me of having an affair with a Christmas Fairy, but we seem to have put that behind us.

The holidays. A time for cheer and good wishes and generosity and kindness and volunteering and love and peace and singing and companionship. Fine and wonderful things. The holiday season, however, also has a horrible dark side. This dark side is the unseemly yet pervasive attitude running rampant through our culture that it is okay to take all of our holiday stress out on that most misunderstood and unappreciated of holiday confections. That’s right, I’m talking about the Manna of Midwinter, the Delicacy of December, the Wonder of the Winter Solstice. Fruit cake. Fruit cake is as vital to the survival of our holiday traditions as the blazing Christmas light show that our neighbors leave on all night with accompanying carols coming out of a speaker turned to the “Sonic Boom” volume setting.

It is my fondest hope that my neighbors’ speaker gets ice in it and explodes. It is my second fondest hope that, with a little illumination, I can help you to understand why you must stop this unjustified campaign of terror against The Almighty Fruit Cake.

Now, your might think your History of Christmas trivia is up to snuff with regard to the tradition of Kris Kringle, due to the TV special “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” (Interestingly, the first Christmas had to be cancelled due to a clerical error when Kris spent all night thinking he was supposed to come to “Twon” and couldn’t find it). The special left out a few critical details, however, due to the need to tighten it up in order to fit it into the allotted time slot, which I will now pass along to you in an effort to make the world a better place.

Way back when, during the reign of the evil Burgermeister Meisterburger, a kindly old soul named Kris Kringle wanted to spread a little cheer during the dark days of deepest winter. We all know this. One of Kris’ more popular gifts was fruit, due to the fact that the only place that grew fruit back in those dark times was Italy, and the Mafia controlled the exportation of fruit with a bronze fist (this was before the secrets of iron working were revealed by Louis Casting). So only Kris, with his supersonic sled, could sneak in and retrieve the fruit.

After the “Twon” typo was corrected, the tradition went on just fine for a couple of years until Burgermeister Meisterburger discovered Kris’ treachery and hired fruit bats to patrol the sky on Christmas Eve (all this was in the original TV special but was later cut). When Kris would get close, the bats would descend on him like, well, like fruit bats after fruit. The fruit bats would decimate Kris’ sled and the children would be unhappy for the whole year. Mrs. Kringle, the grandmother of contraband, realized that if the fruit was encased in something the bats wouldn’t be able to detect it. So she baked some cakes and stuck the fruit inside. This worked well, though Kris had to make seven or eight trips, due to the fact that he could only fit so many cakes on his sled. Then one year, Mrs. Kringle remembered too late that she had run out of yeast. She made the cakes anyway, and it was an unexpected success. Kris could fit all the unrisen cakes on his sled and deliver every last bit of the fruit in one trip.

A rather underreported fact is that since all of the fruit had to be cut up to fit it into the slimmer cakes, the children’s fathers had to stay up all night putting the little pieces of fruit back together, thus starting another holiday tradition that continues to this day.

So, without the mighty fruit cake, there would be no such thing as Christmas. I hope that, armed with this knowledge, we can stop the rampant fruit cake bashing that makes for so much mean-spirited holiday cheer at this time of year. In fact, I’d like to institute National Fruit Cake Day, celebrated on December 29th, in rememberance of a missing cake ingredient leading to the glorious triumph over The Burgermeister’s army of Grinchlike Fruit Bats.

In preparation for National Fruit Cake Day, I’d like you all to go enjoy a piece of fruit cake today. I already have. In case you do not have any samples of this most delicious of holiday confections, due to your fruitcake prejudices, be sure you have some for next year. You can buy some after the holidays in the discount section of your local Mega Mart. Don’t worry, it will keep. In the meantime, I’ll have another piece, just to make up the difference. Happy Holidays!

I like my fruit cake with a little humor-blogs.com in it.

fruit cake Burgermeister Meisterburger holiday traditions to smuggle home to your loved ones

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